Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

So he gets to come over to your refuge, your private space and play the dotting daddy - you are making it far to easy for him - how do you know he has treated the OW badly, you really don't know what they are like when together.

And still you cover for him, not telling the children because he says so, it's all about him, aaaargh, OP, please put yourself first for a change, take a leaf out his book.

he's trying to inveigle his way back in.

you're doing so well. congrats.

you do not need him.
don't let him back.
besides how could anyone trust a man who has done this twice?

has arisen from stressful job, young children, hitting 50 this year, dissatisfaction with life.

So just life then, what we all have to go through - the fact he is keeping you dangling is just plain cruel OP.

sorry op he is still having his cake and eating it. He gets to stay with OW Monday to Friday and then come at the weekends for the kids.

I read your last thread but didn't post, as you were getting plenty of good advice (even if understandably it wasn't what you wanted to hear at the time!) and I had nothing to add.

Please, please don't be taken in by him again. He is incredibly cruel and manipulative - surely you see this now? You are going to have to harden your heart to him, difficult as it may be.

You have no idea how he treats her or what he tells her - didn't take him long to decide 'vanilla sex' was good enough after all, did it? You simply cannot believe a word he says, so you need to stop doing so.

Don't be like my friends mum.
6 years she put up with her husband going back and forth between her and the ow.

I don't know your story from before but sorry to hear about this - your one consolation may be that you may feel not as devastated this time as you have already been through the mill. They can just grind us down and suck all the life and love out of a saint !

So sorry Truly

xxxx

He's not staying here at weekends - he comes in the morning, spends time, does activities with the children and then leaves once the younger ones are asleep.

That's for their benefit, not his.

2 of the children are mine from previous marriage - so go with their father on a Saturday. I'm not just going to throw them into a revolving door of out with Dad 1 on Saturday, out with Dad 2 on Sunday. And I don't want 3 yr old being shuttled off for the day, and being taken to a pokey semi-furnished flat - I would rather give them as much stability and security as possible and see him in the family home at the moment.

I have already told him when things settle down, I'll go off for the day on my own adventures, and he can always babysit when I start going out on dates.

No it's more for his benefit OP, why can't he take them to where he stays or out for the day, he wouldn't be getting a foot in my private space, do you go and sit round with him and his OW, no, so why does he get all the priviliges when he broke everything apart. It's HIS problem regarding seeing HIS children, kids adapt and are resourceful, they will be happy no matter, as long as they see him, it doesn't have to be in their home.

Sorry OP, your post reeks of a desperate woman, not one that has been treated unbelievably badly and is standing up for herself, sorry, just being honest, that's probably why he keeps dangling that carrot in front of you, cos he knows he has you in the palm of his hands, so sad.

Get out dating now and get him watching his OWN kids.

Everything you say I believe you mean it but fundamentally you are making it have your cake day, every day for him.

Again, he's a cruel bastard who knows exactly what he is doing.

And I doubt the kids will look around and think oh what a pokey semi furnished flat, they just wont.

I'm with Jan45 - he's being unbelievably cruel and selfish and I fear OP you have a lot of hurt to come your way before you get real about this prick of a man.

You are needing to put some boundaries in, he is calling the shots

He decided to leave you and the children to be with someone else, so be it, but you will decide what happens now. Him playing happy families when it suits is only confusing the issue

I can understand the reasoning but really it is never a good idea to lie to children, they don't need to know the details but they do need to know that you and daddy have split...children need to be able to trust

I have to say I think that this situation must be very confusing for all of your DC. The sooner they hear what is going to change, the sooner they'll adapt. They will have to get used to him living elsewhere, so again the sooner the better. You have to get used to your home being just for you and the DC. Like ripping a plaster off, better done quickly.

He appears to be turning you into the OW to some extent (albeit without the sex). She gets the boring day to day, back from work him. You get him at the weekends, able to spend time with DC, and you there to listen to him agonise endlessly about his favourite subject, himself. I hope you're not providing him with meals too

Congratulations for taking off the blinkers, but there is still more work to be done to protect yourself (& your children).

Please utilise this time when he is feeling guilty (or at least saying he is) to consult a solicitor, get a proposal of the asset split and childcare arrangements (weighted in your favour as much as it legally can be) and get him to agree it in writing asap.

6 months down the line he won't be feeling as guilty, he'll be looking to the future, wanting to buy a new house with the OW and wanting to sell your house from under you and drain all the equity.

Get the financials sorted now, the sooner the better.

I just need some time to straighten myself out / maybe we could work things out / I walked out in panic / can we not put on an united front for now

This is all about him and what he wants.

He wants time with the OW and to keep you on side he says 'maybe we can work it out'
He wants it to be normal with the children as he's been disconnected from them and fears that without your support he will lose his relationship so to keep you on side he says "I walked out in panic'. He is highly manipulative.

Please start the financial settlement and you may have to use his tactics, keep him on side until you secure your future.

Whilst the children are young it's actually easier to tell to them.I know it's painful and you want to avoid hurting them but once the news is delivered you can start their healing process. You are limbo, not really living your life and so are they.

It's about time you set some new boundaries and he faced some consequences. Divorce and settling finances. Telling the DC asap that he has left to be with another woman. Proper arrangements for their time with him, not him playing happy families in the family home and you having to hide your pain and listen to his self-absorbed bollocks.

HE is the one who has been and continues to hurt them. And it isn't best for them to continue to be lied to, by both of you.

I remember you original thread too. I agreed with AF at the time but totally understand why you tried again.

Please don't let him worm his way back. It won't end well - been there, done that myself. These men are so predictable it is laughable.

I wish I had mumsnet at the time of my hell. I wish I could have had an AF kick up the arse, it would have saved a lot of pain, time and money!

Good luck OP and to a brilliant future.

Truly
I understand that you allow him to spend some of the week-ends with the kids in your home- for their benefits. I do perfectly understand that and I respect you and admire you for doing it. However does that mean that you have to 'act' as if nothing happened and to listen to his complaints? I believe that, as the ladies said above, you need to put firm boundaries. You must tell him that he is welcome as a DAD ONLY in YOUR home, and that you are not willing to listen to his emotional problems. You should clearly tell him that your conversations must revolve around the kids ONLY. (How they do at school- with their friends - what they need- what they like to do etc) You should NOT allow him to TALK about HIMSELF and his problems. How he treats the OW is his problem. How he views himself far away from the kids is HIS PROBLEM alone. You: your problems are YOURSELF and your kids. (Have you arranged the financial aspects of your separation yet?) Again: tell the kids as soon as you can that you are separated- whether he agrees or not. Do it next school holidays. He chose when to walk away. You choose when it is best to tell it to the kids.
He must understand that he is not welcome as a P in your home- even not yet as a friend. He hurts you too much. He must be grateful to you for allowing him to be a loveable dad to his kids (you do this for the kids but he enjoys it and he must start learning to be grateful to you even if you will never rekindle your relationship). I am glad that the broad family from all sides support you. Good Luck!

I remember your past threads! we were all telling you constantly that the way he was behaving was not normal for a man who really wanted to work on his marriage. I am not surprised at all he has gone back to the ow.

I would never allow my ex to come and spend all day in my house with the children. He gave up that right when he left, he should be taking them outside of the house and having them overnight once he is sorted in accommodation. Stop making everything so easy for him...but knowing what you were like in the last threads, most likely everyone going be knocking their head against a brick wall.

" He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour."

Of course he is! This is his modus operandi.

He doesn't like to close a door, does he?

He's obviously kept ow just sweet enough, in case he changes his mind, and now yours and her roles have shifted, he is going to use the same tactics with you.

One of you really needs to cut those puppet strings.

I could not bear to be manipulated, walked over and played for a fool like this. He is making my blood boil.

Please for the love of god, find some fucking rage.

How dare he. Who the fuck does he think he is? How can he treat you Sooooo despicable, and yet you still sound like you would have him back.

I'm not normally so forthright, but your last thread wound me right up. He is a massive dick. Find some self worth from somewhere and knock him off his shiny throne.

because I know my post is harsh.

My rage is for him, not you.

I'm just incredulous with the way he is treating you.

I'm guessing your youngest is 3 now. The same age as my dd. I'm pretty sure at the age they would love to be taken out to soft play, farms, beach, cinema etc.

Are you sure you are not keeping him at home for you? To keep him close, or to stop ow from spending time with your DC?

I've been on this board a long time, and the advice and tactics that the majority advocate are tried and tested, proven and logically. You ignored them on your last thread, because you wasn't ready to hear them. Are you ready now?

Genuine question.

Pee - I did actually think of recording one of his conversations. But I know every skeleton in his cupboard so I could wipe him out totally with the OW, and with his job if I wanted to. But I don't intend to go down that path - just that knowledge is sufficient that it has already been agreed that he'll be signing the family home over to me, and we are currently negotiating maintenance costs.

I'm hurt and shocked, but I'm not stupid.

At the moment, I am just evaluating how best to deal with telling the children - he should do it with me - so that he can see the hurt and damage he's causing. And what would work best for them on weekends.

I know it's easier for him to see them in the family home - but my priority is what is least disruptive for them until they know what's happening.

I hope you (and Feline if she is here) don't mind me quoting from this very early post on your last thread. The bit I've made bold was almost psychic:

felinesad Sun 13-Apr-14 05:19:52

However as someone else said you seem to be letting him make all the decisions and it it isyou who needs to take control of the situation. If you don't you will be still be in the same position 12 months down the line with him shuttling between the two of you. If he doesn't have to 'choose' between the two of you why would he?

Please, really read that and then read the rest of the excellent advice you got. This man is fundamentally selfish. You obviously love him deeply and yes, life with small children is not a bed of roses, but my god has he betrayed you!

X-posted. Yes, you need to get your financial security sorted but you also need to protect yourself emotionally. He is deeply selfish and manipulative.

Truly - I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I went through very similar - found out about my exH's affair, gave him a chance and he picked up again with the OW. I made him leave and this is when he came out with everything your H is saying to you - that he didn't realise how connected he was to the children, how it finally made him realise what he'd lost, etc.

The thing is - he could have realised all that when I first found out about the affair. I spent so much emotional energy on trying to make us work. When he did leave, I felt so much peace and able to concentrate on me and on being a good mum. I know I can hold my head high and say to my children (when they are much older and start asking questions) that I gave their dad and our relationship the best shot I could.

My ex moved to a poky flat and he visited the children at my home at first. I needed that because it made me feel better, knowing that the children were in their own environment while they got used to mummy and daddy not being 'together'. We did tell them though - I think you should take this step too.

And you know what - six months on - the children went and stayed with their dad three days a week and we have made sharing care work for them (and us).

The things that made me accept that it was over and harden my heart to his pleas to try again were:

Why waste the emotional energy making it work when I could be at peace?

Why model a bad relationship to the children when I could model a good co-parenting model instead?

Realising I didn't want to wake up in 10 years time, children as teenagers doing their own thing, and realise I'd lived my life for them and was stuck with a lying cheating bastard (because that is what he is).

Going out and sleeping with someone else. Boy, did that break the hold. And funnily enough, my ex was jealous and went to pieces when he worked out I'd moved on. I didn't care, he'd lost me.

I know this is a long post... but I'm concerned your posts look as if you might give him another chance. Please don't. Don't let your children live in a household where the adults are mistrustful of each other. You absolutely will be, always wondering at the back of your mind if he's back in contact with her or starting an affair with someone new.