Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

Please stop letting him have contact in your home. Doorstep handovers only. And he does not need to speak to you about anything unless it relates to children. You are no longer his confidante and him telling you about his relationship with the OW - well he can quite frankly feck right off.

I wonder did his last relationship end due to an affair? Have you got a solicitor yet?

These men are so predictable.

My ex still tries to tell me about his relationship problems. Not with the OW, because he dropped her as soon as made it clear I was no longer competing with her. But with the third new woman he's had since then... I really don't care but he seems to think I should be interested in his emotional health.

Truly I read your original thread today and I just wanted to say it took serious cahoonas to come back and update. I really hoped you'd get your happy ending.

Alone soon

Great post, good for you

At the moment, I am just evaluating how best to deal with telling the children - he should do it with me - so that he can see the hurt and damage he's causing.

It is clear you want what is best for your dcs. With this in mind I have to disagree with the above statement.

Having been a child in that position, I totally disagree that doing it together is the easiest for the children. The less of an 'event' the telling them is, the less difficult it will be for them. If it comes from you in a matter of fact, relaxed, everything will be ok kind of way, wouldn't that make it an easier experience for them?

Don't use the situation to show him what damage he has done. That is not the point. The point is to let the dcs know what is happening, in the least traumatic way.

He should really feel the full force of the impact his decisions make. He should not be spending the day at your house OP. It should be standard contact, every other weekend and one evening in the week. He collects at agreed time and drops off at agreed time. Handover on the doorstep.

Between you, you and OW keep making it easy for him. He can float around backwards and forwards between you, picking and choosing what he does and when he does it. And you two just keep accommodating him. No wonder he can't choose between you, he doesn't want to get rid of either because you are both back-up should things go wrong with the other.

This isn't about love. Well, maybe it is but the only person he loves is himself and he's doing alright isn't he.

Must be very confusing for the children though. I would put their needs first, tell them you have separated and set out the access so that they know the routine.

At this point he has had his chance to be truthful to his children.
I agree with others that it is probably best for them if you tell them in a relaxed environment, then, later he can answer their questions if they have any.

Not ignoring the posts - just had a friend here for a glass of wine.

Thanks for all the advice regarding talking to the kids - they do need to be told. DD came down at bedtime and said she was really missing him - so I let her phone him. He's coming in the morning to see them before school. It's hard when all your instincts tell you to protect your children, and I know that particularly DD 9 yrs old is going to be heartbroken, regardless of how I minimise the situation to her.

Alone - thanks for really good advice there. Some of your comments I have already been realising - but good to hear it from someone else.

Sass - No offence taken - I'm not so touchy this time around - and am able to take the straight talking / no bullshit advice!

I remember your original thread too. Anyfucker was spot on with her 9 month prediction ...:(. I am sorry for what he has put you and the children through.

I think you are using the children as an excuse. This is not going to end well, and you will simply go through the same scenario....time after time after time

I remember your thread Truly. Sorry it didn't work out . You are still letting him play it his way. You are allowing him to say all this confusing talk. He is keeping you sweet. I remember telling you that YOU needed to be the one to call the shots if you were to salvage anything from your relationship. You now need to do that. He has made his choice and he should not be coming to the house at all. He should be making his own arrangements to do things with the children. Your house should be your sanctuary. You gave him so many chances and I feel that you will still let him continue to play you off against the other woman. You need to be alone and not have him coming into your life every day. You need to be alone to get over him and recover. Sorry.

Don't think its a good plan for him to pop in ad-hoc - unsettling for DD, who will already know that all isn't well.

I would not want someone back if they had an affair, particularly one described as 'passionate'. I would be disgusted.

I expect you are probably equally disgusted and rightly so. Let that drive your course of action.

I think his new relationship is not working outside of the affair bubble - they usually don't.
I think he is not done with the marriage.

I read your previous thread yesterday. I'm so sorry he is still hurting you and your family.

Please tell your DCs the truth. It's not fair on them to continue in this horrible situation, and they don't get any say in it. do it for the sake of your future relationship with them, if nothing else. This is all so damaging.

op, your dd missing h and her phone call to him etc last night is IMO the perfect way into a discussion with the dc about the fact you and their dad are no longer together.

"you know that daddy has been away during the week, and that he hasn't been staying over at weekends? Well, that's because mummy and daddy no longer want to live together. But we still both love you and are still your mummy and daddy."

I don't agree that the dc need to be told that he has left for another woman. If the ow stays in the picture and they have to meet her soon then that can be addressed. Equally telling the children is not about h seeing the full force of what he has done. They are children. They still have a right to an equal relationship with both their parents. Any suggestion of anything else because "that is what he deserves," is all about revenge and anger, and is not in the children's interests.

In terms of h seeing the children in your house, once you have told them it will be possible for you to go out, or for h to take the children out rather than having to see them at home. If he is living with the ow atm then seeing them in your house may currently be preferable to him taking them back to his where there is potential for the ow to be present. If he and the ow stay together they will obviously meet her at some point, but as it's so early into the split now is not the right time.

Fairenuff - dead right. Why the hell would he 'choose' between you and OW, when you are both working so hard to make his life nice and easy?

I also don't agree with 'telling the dc together so he can see the damage' - you shouldn't be thinking of punishing him, but minimising the effects on the dc.

Punish him in other ways - no more being so agreeable, so amenable, so manipulated.

Op

You aren't protecting your children. And your ex is certainly not.

The only person you are all thinking of is yourselves.

You all need to grow up.

Quite frankly I do not feel you are any further forward than you were when you first posted.

Are you attracted to this mans money because I'm struggling to see what is so amazing about him!

He is doing this because he can and he can because you are letting him.

You have never forced his hand because you won't show him what a separation from you looks like.

A separation looks like this:

Get all of your belongings, do not contact me, pick the children up on xxxx. Arrange financial support.

That's it. You will not do it though. And until you do you will not make him realise the reality of the situation because you can't bear to face it yourself.

And your dc from a previous marriage. What is the prospect of your dh being involved in their lives for the next ten years? Is he interested in them? He's hardly showing much consideration is he?

You need to think about focusing them on their relationship with their own father because your current dp is no role model.

Focus on maintaining contact with his actual child, outside the home.

That's the way it needs to be but I guess you do not want the OW involved with your child?

This is all such a mess. You do have the power to change it.

I think that a bit of 'tough love' at this stage, since you are feeling stronger will be good for all of you. You are now in the place that those posters who suggested you ask him to leave at the beginning, were thinking of. It really is decision time for him and he needs to see what he is losing very clearly and that you will not facilitate his life choices for him.

I also wonder whether he's telling you the OW only understands his commitment to the children 'to a certain extent' (I mean WTF) is a way of manipulating you into letting access to them continue at your house. I can't see any sensible reason why he would tell you such a thing. He is deliberately involving the children in this sordid situation, using them to manipulate you. That is awful.

Sorry Truly. I don't remember your previous thread, but you say your dd is 9 years old. Is this your stbx's dc or your dc from previous relationship? I ask because at 9 years old the realize more than we think they do. Surely she must be questioning why her dad leaves each night at the weekend, when you have told her he is working away.

I think you need to tell the dc straight away, it is not only you that has to deal with change, once they know then they can start dealing with it too. Telling them a story is not helping in the long run.

My parents separated when I was a child. I will never forget sitting on the chair with them both sitting nervously opposite me and then telling me they were divorcing. I didn't know which one of them to go to, do I go to hug Mum, but then what about Dad, if I go to Dad, what about Mum??.. I ran to my room and stayed there and sobbed. But I new that they were going to separate as my Dad had been living out the house prior to the news. It was better once we knew and he officially moved out, as there was a lot of pretending when my father was in the house, and my mother was always on edge and snapping at us.

Don't let him play you again OP. Keep strong.

Men like him really do have it all wrapped up.

Pop in to see his kids when he feels like it? Moan on about how he "needs time to sort himself out"?

Blimey, who is this guy?

He made his choice. Clearly.

So I agree with Quitelikely.

Get all of your belongings, do not contact me, pick the children up on xxxx. Arrange financial support.

That's it.

And I will add. I did make the HUGE error of telling my dc's that "daddy was working away" for a few months. My youngest was 5 at the time and is actually cross with me/us that we didn't tell him the truth 5 years later. It is the only thing he says that was bad about the split. They know. The phrase - the truth will set you free is so apt.

Your dd saying she misses him will be immediately thwarted with "you are seeing daddy on Saturday at x time". It's much easier for them than the ad hoc uncertainty and the instinct they already have around there being something going on.

I'm feeling really strong and empowered.

Quite Likely - with all due respect to your opinions - sod off telling me what I am or am not doing. When he walked out, I had his belongings packed ready for him to collect the next day - and I keep reminding him he's not moving back in just because he thinks he's made a mistake.

I am putting my kids first, they are happy, confident, wonderful little people - and they're not aware of the situation, other than he is not here a great deal at the moment, because I make sure that they're getting love and attention, and that they see me being normal mum. In the first few weeks, there's no way I could have told them, without falling apart myself. They need me to be positive, and totally able to support and reassure them when I tell them.

He didn't get here in time to see DD before school - traffic excuse - so I've told him he's letting them down already, he's losing my respect and he's losing everything he wanted.

He just sat with his head in his hands having a pity party for himself. Completely pathetic, and feeling sorry for himself. Me, me, me....

He actually said it's so much easier for me, being in a nice house with the children, and family supporting me whilst everyone hates him, he can't bear the pressure, stress and guilt of the situation (that he's brought on himself!), and that he's in a crappy flat, missing the children, with a 2 hour commute to work (no mention of amazing OW who must be making it all worthwhile for him or perhaps is realising what a midlife mess she's with).

And I didn't feel sorry for him one bit, I actually wanted to laugh.

I just thought 'you reap what you sow'.

I am taking on board the suggestions on how / what to tell the children and whether there's an appropriate time this weekend (I have family staying - so he won't want to be in the family home anyway!). I've said he can spend time with them on Sunday as I'm going out for the day.

I think laughing at him would have been appropriate