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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

283 replies

Truly40 · 15/04/2015 13:19

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

OP posts:
BettyNettle · 20/04/2015 21:25

De lurking because I am Shock

Truly, take a look at the consensus of almost every poster saying the same thing - a million times - across your threads.

I think on your last thread there was one poster supporting you in leaving a door open.

I think most of us are rather shocked about your stubbornness to hold onto the relationship.

... Not for the foreseeable future... Why do you keep the door open and imply this to him?

Why do you say that he needs to babysit "when you go on dates"? You are hoping to make him jealous, don't you? You are still playing to win this...

I don't see any hope for you to have a good or even normal relationship with this man judging from your threads.

I wish you good luck on your life path.

Rebecca2014 · 20/04/2015 22:01

You are not ready to date, you just want to date to make your ex jealous and to make him see that you could find a new man so please pick me again! Please don't emotionally play with another man just to make this idiot jealous.

Truly I thought you had found your anger and really was not going let him back in again. Why are you even bothering to talk to him? what is the point? Will the moment he gets the ow pregnant be your breaking point? or will you still be playing the, pick me please! card.

I have a feeling this is going run and run...he will start a third family with the ow. She is a lot younger than him and if he wants keep hold of her, he have no choice. Think about it, the third family he jumped too because he cannot keep his interest in one woman for long enough. Your self esteem must be so low for even now still considering taking him back.

Quitelikely · 20/04/2015 22:08

I think what he really wants is for Truly to allow him to have a mistress......

Daisychain5 · 20/04/2015 22:43

I don't think Truly ever answered the question about when/how she met this twat. I suspect that you may have been the mistress at one point Truly? Correct me if I'm wrong.....

Milllli · 21/04/2015 00:37

O that's a very interesting question Daisy.

ptumbi · 21/04/2015 09:24

Why is it relevant, Daisy?

Original poster
Truly40 · 21/04/2015 10:25

I have family staying so unable to log on much.
I'm not 'holding on' - he's living with someone else, I am 'moving on'. It may not be exactly how everyone says I should do it, but I'm doing it in a way that is okay for me.
I get up, I get on with it, I can hold my head high and know that I'm a damn fine person.
I'm going for a casual coffee 'date' this week, I have no intention of DH knowing. This is about ME, for ME.
And no I wasn't a bloody mistress - DH and I had been friends / colleagues for years. When I left my previous marriage, he pursued me for months before I would even consider him.

OP posts:
Daisychain5 · 21/04/2015 10:50

I think it's a very relevant question....had Truly been his mistress previously, she would know his modus operandi....and how likely he was to be telling her one thing and the wife another....also would help focus her mind on how likely he would be to take up with the mistress again, if they get back together.

AuntieDee · 21/04/2015 11:42

Please please please don't start dating until you are over all this - it could be a complete head fuck :(

Jan45 · 21/04/2015 12:08

I doubt a casual coffee is going to do that, plus Truly deserves some ME time.

Daisychain5 · 21/04/2015 12:09

I agree AuntieDee....why anyone would want to start dating in this situation is totally beyond me! Concentrate on the children who must be royally screwed up, wondering what the hell is going on.

Milllli · 21/04/2015 12:50

Why not follow the good advice that you have been actively seeking on this thread.
Tell the children. Takes five minutes and then time after to help them with questions.

Seek counsel with regard to starting divorce proceedings. That is closing the door and moving on.

tefloncoated · 21/04/2015 13:03

Blimey - people are bossy on these threads!

No, Truely hasn't followed all the advice and it has come back to bite her & may continue to do so. But people don't always behave rationally when in the middle of a crisis when emotions are raw. It is also a cruel to blame her for the effect on the DC's when the situation was not of her making, but the Ex's.

If she wants to have a coffee with a man, this is not the worst thing she can do. It's coffee - he isn't going to think he's in a committed relationship & be heartbroken if it doesn't work out! And a little bit of interest from another man might lift her self esteem.

I think people may be more inclined to take advice if it wasn't framed so aggressively, especially when they are already feeling vulnerable.

MaMaof04 · 21/04/2015 13:04

It is OK I think to go on a casual date: Truly said it is just for Her; nothing to do with proving him anything. So it is fine. As long as the decisions are npt based on him it is fine, I think. Not that I want to dictate you what to do Truly. Truly if flirting a bit, talking to another man over a cup of coffee/tea or over a glass of wine makes you feel good then go for it. However IMO it must be just casual with no more than sitting-talking in a public place. You got kids and yourself to focus on now.
TELL the kids about your separation ASAP (please for their sake)- break with him and take time to know yourself/rediscover yourself before going on a 'serious' date. Good Luck!

Milllli · 21/04/2015 14:40

Teflon maybe it's because people on this thread were also on Truly last thread and its all exactly the same. Same thing, one year later. If she had used some of the advice given by many then, she wouldn't have had to go through this horrendous ordeal now.

Milllli · 21/04/2015 14:46

And isn't that why people post their problems on a open forum. To get advice when they can't think straight?

Milllli · 21/04/2015 14:54

I think going for a coffee date sounds fun and just the boost your self esteem needs.

Milllli · 21/04/2015 14:58

AnonyMuse you are Trulys friend in real life so what advice do you give her, out of interest?

Jan45 · 21/04/2015 15:00

It's hardly dating, it's a cup of coffee, and the OP has had a year of this so it's nothing new, surely better than sitting at home with the kids wondering what asshole is up to.

Even though we have children, we all need a break to be just ourselves, not just mums.

BloodontheTracks · 21/04/2015 15:01

This is getting bullying and nosy. mistress indeed, we're supposed to be being supportive not a sneery bunch of poirots. Hope you're feeling better today, Truly.

Milllli · 21/04/2015 15:19

I'm sorry if that's how I came accross, just feel sorry for Truly and so want her to make this man have the tables completely turned on him. He is in the middle of his mid life crises and is stuck. He needs a kick up the arse.

tefloncoated · 21/04/2015 15:27

I know she had this situation last year Millli - I read it. Yes people post for advice, but also just to vent - for a listening ear. After reading Truly's threads and other similar ones over the past year or so, I would never post on Mumsnet with a relationship problem due to the fear of too much hectoring type advice. Others reading will feel the same & a possible source of support will be closed off to them.

tefloncoated · 21/04/2015 15:31

I am not targeting you specifically Millli, but we have to remember that words on a screen are received differently from face-to-face and multiple posters getting more and more impatient with a vulnerable poster could feel bullying to that poster.

Duckdeamon · 21/04/2015 15:34

Any kind of dating is a bad plan before the DC have been told: what if it got back to 15yo DS for example?

Jan45 · 21/04/2015 15:37

It's a cup of coffee and why would it get back to her son?

They have already been told that mum and dad are currently living apart, they can see that he's not living there!

As for the bullying, I can see how that could be perceived but don't for a second think anyone is trying to do that, they are feeling frustrated by the same situation as a year ago.

Also, it's an internet forum, if you are prepared to lay your life open online then I'm afraid you are going to get replies you might not actually want to read.