Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

He just sat with his head in his hands having a pity party for himself. Completely pathetic, and feeling sorry for himself. Me, me, me....

How do you know how he was sat? Surely he sent a text to say he was running late and wasn't going to make it, or you sent a text saying you're too late, you've missed her?

That's it. No further discussion needed. Don't open the door to him. You don't need to see him at all except when you hand over the children and even then they are old enough to give you a quick hug goodbye and walk out of the door themselves.

The more you drag this out by getting involved with his dramas, the harder it will be on you and the children. And I'm sorry OP but you are wrong. The children absolutely know that all is not well. They will be so confused because all their senses are telling them one thing and your words are telling them another.

Just be honest with them now. Don't give him the added drama of a big 'sit down together and tell the children' just tell them yourself that you have both decided not to live together any more but you still both love them.

It will be a huge relief for them.

Next time he's late just don't invite him in!

You need to stop engaging with him and his pity party. His sadness and head in the hand times are of no interest or concern. Let him take his bleating elsewhere and stop being his confidante.

Your home is meant to be your sanctuary - every time he sets foot over that threshold he is ruining that. Why do you think him coming and going like his is better for the children? It is your denial this is feeding and nothing else. Don't dress up your own hopes and fears and pretend this is in the best interest of the DC because you aren't fooling anyone but yourself.

I wonder if you don't want to tell the children because you hope he will return. I think you controlling his contact with them in this way is very telling. You are going to have to let him take them elsewhere for contact, and the likelihood is the OW may meet them. Sadly there is nothing you can do about that. But him coming into your home for contact for the next x amount of years is ridiculous and unsustainable - and it will not help you or the children to move on.

The key word here is detach - and you are not doing that at all. You need to listen to the advice here. I agree with Quitelikely et al.

Well done on feeling empowered. It's a great feeling. You are in charge. You can completely control how you want to deal with it.

If it were me, I would start with holding my hand up every time he started to speak about his shit emotions/feelings/views on anything.

I would say, - why are you telling me this? This is no longer a concern of mine. You left, please confide in the ow, you are her business now. We only need to discuss dc's from now on.

Every time.

You are better than him.

You deserve better than him.

Repeat after me.

Truly I remember telling you that to speed up this process you needed to throw him out. Your worst fear was that he would go to the OW and that was why you said you wouldn't do it. Well, it happened. Now watch this page. He will see her for who she is now. Will get bored of her. She wi become clingy and he will want to return to you and what you had together.

I think that's what OP is hoping for LaiLoo

He was too late to see DD, but took youngest DS to pre-school too. He sat with his head in his hands when I told him he had let DD down and didn't even call her to explain why.

Cherry - what is it I'm supposed to be in denial about?

I don't fear being on my own with the kids, I've already found being on my own in the evenings rather relaxing and enjoyable. And I'm not hoping for anything other than getting myself a nice, happy life.

Obviously in the first few weeks I didn't want to tell the children, as I couldn't deal with my own hurt, let alone manage theirs.

Misguided or not, at the moment, I do not want older DS, and DD going with their dad on one day, and then step-dad on another day. Until I decide how arrangements can work best for all the DCs, this is a temporary measure. It's most definitely not for next x amount of years!!

I think watching your DH with their head in their hands, crying and being pitiful without feeling any sympathy and thinking that it's exactly what they deserve, is well on the way to detachment.

I think it does show very good detachment truly

That laugh and an eye roll next time, I perhaps a complete look of boredom might stop him from pity partying any more.

What's your plan? What do you want to happen? If you dont mind me asking?

I do not want older DS, and DD going with their dad on one day, and then step-dad on another day

Why not suggest that, rather than a weekend day, he take them out for dinner on a week night. They can all have a catch up and keep in touch without him having to be in your house.

Sass - Yes, I will repeat!

I did think this morning it's his turn to go through some hard shit.

Lailoo - I think it's more likely that she'll get fed up of him missing the kids, running around seeing them all (he has 3 grown up sons too and a grandchild due in a few weeks), being all morose, and having no money. She's moved from her own house 20 mins from their workplace to the skanky flat almost 2 hours away, and in a bit of a craphole town, where they only know each other.

Sounds like you are starting to detach from him, OP. It must be a hard process.

I must advise telling the children asap though. I never forgave my parents for not telling me when I was 6. Children are perceptive and able to figure things out and IMO if you are more upfront with them acknowledging it makes it less scary for them.

Please stop engaging with him, the more you post the even more pathetic he is sounding, he goes from her bed to your house on the pretext he is desperate to see his kids but can't actually be bothered to turn up. His pouring out of self pity to you is actually nauseating, I cannot believe you are even listening to it.

I also think you are using the kids as an excuse because you actually still want to see him, he is feeding you any line he fancies as he knows you believe whatever he says.

Please, put yourself first and your kids and do things properly, if you don't, and you do get back with him, I guarantee you that you will be in the same position in the future, you are basically telling him he can treat you like shit and have affairs when the whim takes him.

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly, please move on from him and stop showing him you are a mug who will be there with the door open. He is actually using you even still, as a sounding board for his terrible life with his OW, that he no doubt shags every night and tells her how wonderful she is.

What do you want to happen Truly? Have you or he started divorce proceedings yet?

I think it's more likely that she'll get fed up of him missing the kids, running around seeing them all (he has 3 grown up sons too and a grandchild due in a few weeks), being all morose, and having no money. She's moved from her own house 20 mins from their workplace to the skanky flat almost 2 hours away, and in a bit of a craphole town, where they only know each other.

Have you been to this flat, I assume not so again it's what he is telling you - you sound incredibly bitter about this OW and quite rightly so, if only you could muster up that bitterness and anger towards your OH, it's him who has shat on you from a high height, she could be anyone.

I think the flat is one that Truly and her husband already own.

Fair - DS1 is 15, DD is 9 and our shared DS is 3 - he did take the older 2 for dinner one evening last week.

I wonder whether alternate weekends might be the solution, but not sure that either dad would want that. More likely in the long run is that he has DS2 on Saturday overnight and then he can collect DS1 and DD on a Sunday to have a day out. Once they become aware of OW, they may not want as much contact anyway...

Suggestions welcome.

Sass - I don't know what my plan is other than picking myself up and getting on with life, and spending time with my children. We only moved house 2 weeks before he left (hence ultimatum from OW - she wasn't having him settling into new house) - so I do have a lovely house to make into a family home, and I have lots of plans for it.

It's only in the last week that I've decided I'm not just waiting in limbo, and that I feel strong enough to start making my own rational, considered decisions.

I have been pushing to tell the children for weeks, but he's saying he loves me, he walked out in a panic under pressure from OW and with stress of moving house, he wonders whether we could work things out, he wants to come to counselling.

But i just realised on the weekend, that he's just buying for time - unsure as to whether he's made the right decision or not, so he wants to keep both options open and eat cake for as long as possible.

And that he is a total fuck-up at the moment. And I don't need a fuck-up in my life.

He has some difficult issues from his past that I know he has never dealt with - that have undoubtedly contributed to what a mess he's become. But that's his problem too.

At the moment, he's a completely different person to the man I fell in love with. And it's either going to take him a long time to sort himself out, or he just won't sort himself out, and will take his issues and guilt into the relationship with OW.

And I can't wait around hoping or wondering if he's going to get his shit sorted.

Great, you are starting to sound more rational in your last post - why do you even want him after what he has put you and your children through - give it time, you will start to see him for what he is as the months go by and realise you can do a whole lot better.

Good luck, you don't need a person like that in your life.

The nerve of him is actually astounding, he's basically asking you to wait in case it all goes tits up for him, again, it's him, him, him.

So you havnt been to see A Solicitor yet? I would. It's been over a year and he is still saying the same thing he was a year ago and to be honest, you are in the same position you were a year ago too. Tell him you ate seeking counsel with a view to starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultery. See what he does then.

I have never seen your threads before op but wanted to wish you the very best. You sound strong and you deserve happiness. I hope that your DC are okay as can be when you do tell them.

It sounds like you have a lot of lovely plans, good for you. I hope that you enjoy putting them into action.

Yes, we own the flat so I do know what it looks like, and it's 2 room, one window flat.

And I do know OW. I met my DH at the company where he still works, and she was in a very junior position in another office at the time. I also met up with her last year when I was fighting for my marriage.

No I haven't started divorce proceedings yet - we are discussing financial arrangements for the time being. He only walked out 5 weeks ago. Do people seriously issue divorce proceedings within weeks?!

DS1 is 15, DD is 9 and our shared DS is 3 - he did take the older 2 for dinner one evening last week.

Yes I know. I think he could see ds1 and dd for one evening every week and see ds every other weekend plus one evening a week, probably just for an hour or so whilst he is young.

He collects at agreed time and drops off at agreed time. As you say, the older children might not always want to stick to this arrangement and it can be discussed if/when the time comes.

I have been pushing to tell the children for weeks, but he's saying he loves me, he walked out in a panic under pressure from OW and with stress of moving house, he wonders whether we could work things out, he wants to come to counselling.

Firstly, you do not need his permission to tell them. Just tell them. Today, if there no particular reason why you should not. They will be glad to know what is going on instead of being left in the dark.

Secondly, whether or not you eventually get back together has nothing to do with telling the children that you are currently separated. If, in the weeks and months to come you change your mind, you can tell the children that he is moving back in, or whatever.

But that would be a terrible decision imo and not one to be rushed. You need at least 6 months, preferably a year, living completely separately to see how you really feel about it.

Btw under no circumstances should you have counselling with him. Go on your own and he can arrange his own counselling if he wants. This is just another carrot he is dangling in front of you.

A year! Seriously, that is just crazy that you are still hanging on for him. The flat could be a flea pit, he still preferred it to his home, wife and children, she must be something special for him to do that.

Guaranteed the two oldest children will know perfectly well what has been going on, it's a year!

counselling, whilst he is living and sleeping with another woman - again, crazy.

Is there anything he has suggested that you've actually said no to?

I think it might be in your best interest to tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not want him back. That he has burnt his bridges this time and even if he splits from ow, he is not welcome. (Even if this is not true)

He is currently keeping all his plates spinning. Push some over. Be empowered to let him know it is no longer his decision.

I think you will feel stronger for it, and from other people's experience, it will probably make him regret losing you. Then, if you really do want him back, you are in a much stronger position to make some demands.

I would make sure the hoops he would have to jump through, were on fire though.

Chances are, you won't want him back though. hopefully

op how old were your older two dc when you split from their dad? And was your split from him particularly acrimonious hence why you are being so careful about how to tell them this time around?

Tbh, given the older two are not his children he has no say in how/when/where/what you tell them, and there is a chance they may not wish to pursue a relationship with him anyway given he is not their biological dad and they have a relationship with their dad....

I agree with fair that even if you do get back together in the future that doesn't mean that the children don't need to know you have separated now. And if the older two have been through it before with you and their dad then tbh you are naive to think that they don't have any inkling that something is going on.

He only walked out 5 weeks ago. Do people seriously issue divorce proceedings within weeks?!

I think five weeks is a good time by which to start divorce proceedings and particularly to have told the children.

You have not told them for over a month that he is gone? They know and won't thank you for covering it up.