Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

Yes you are correct and although in my head my tone in not meant to be bullying or aggressive, I can see that it could come accross that way .

I'm not suggesting people are intending to bully - just that is the way it may come across.

This is not AIBU people are in vulnerable situations - just because you want to talk about a difficult situation doesn't mean you should be faced open frustration from others when you don't follow their instructions.

I do see that Teflon but the intention behind the replies I think is from a desire to advise.

That's what I like about MN, it's raw and honest.

I'm reading and absorbing every comment on the thread.
And of course I knew exactly what to expect from MNers from last year.

Last year I posted in a world of pain and confusion, and was not ready to hear some of the advice and the brutally honest opinions.

But I wouldn't have come back on if I didn't look back and think that so many of those views and advice posted had validity - and I wouldn't have come back on if I couldn't handle it.

I have spoken to DS on his own - I haven't told him the reasons DH has left yet, but he is incredibly mature, and says he doesn't care if DH has left, he just cares about whether I'm okay with it.

DD is the only one who I need to handle carefully - and she would have been told last weekend but for being ill. I know my daughter best, and I know when it will be the right time to talk to her.

I am a good mum, and I can provide a great life for my children, I've done it before on my own, and I'll do it again.

I am doing absolutely fine - each week, each day, I'm finding the person I used to be - happy, confident, positive. Of course I'll have down days - but I have no regrets, I stuck with my marriage, I didn't bail out, and I did my utmost to keep my marriage together so my children would have a secure, happy family life.

But that hasn't changed - we'll be our own little happy family, the kids and I, I'll make damn sure of it.

I have no wish to have a relationship, or get emotionally involved with anyone for a long time - and they certainly won't get to meet my children. And it's not about casual sex either.
I have good girlfriends that I chat to, have a glass of wine with - and if I want to get a bit of a life for myself, go out for a drink / coffee with someone who's clear that I'm not looking for anything more than friendship and good company, then I'm going to. I bloody deserve to have something for myself.

Amazing! You are great! You certainly deserve to have something for yourself- you are a wonderful mum and woman! I am smiling- really and I am so happy for you! Good Night love!

Glad that you are doing ok Truly and that the advice is helping you even if it may come across as aggressive sometimes. I think people just want you to come out of this horrible experience and be happy again. He sounds like he has not come out of his mid life crisis yet and is utterly confused and doesn't know which way to turn. Your last post is lovely to read and Im glad that you are getting stronger, little by little.

Great to hear you much more positive, Your DS sounds really kind and intelligent btw you must be proud of your kids!

Brilliant post Truly!