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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

283 replies

Truly40 · 15/04/2015 13:19

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Truly40 · 16/04/2015 14:20

Jan - woah there!
I found out a year ago that they were having an affair, he ended it, we stayed together - no one knew, not children, family, only 2 RL friends and on MN.

It re-started a few months ago, and he walked out 5 weeks ago.

I arranged the counselling for myself, and he's said he would be willing to come. I have no idea what he would be seeking to get out of it - maybe some enlightenment as to how he fucked up to such a great magnitude. But I'm well aware there is no considering reconciliation whilst he's living with OW, and whilst he's a total mess.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 16/04/2015 14:20

You are his puppet. Nothing has changed from day one. You are still desperate for him to come home. He still holds all. The. Cards.

The children are your only ace.

If they did not exist he would not be back.

Quitelikely · 16/04/2015 14:22

If be very surprised if your 15 year old son is oblivious to all of this.

Lweji · 16/04/2015 14:23

But I'm well aware there is no considering reconciliation whilst he's living with OW, and whilst he's a total mess.

Sigh.

You are considering reconciliation? And what is reconciliation? He walked out. It was not a fight. He moved out to be with someone else.
Get some self respect, Truly.

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 14:32

Truly it is most likely that he has been having a complete affair with her the whole time he has been with you. Stop believing what he says.

sassandfaff · 16/04/2015 14:32

I think the problem here is, you are doing everything in your power to hang on to him, except you are in fact pushing him away.

It's counterintuitive, to let him walk all over, call the shots, keep you dangling and feed you bullshit and watch you swallow it whole. (Sorry)

It was your problem on your last thread and it will be your undoing on this one.

Think about it, what's more attractive, an independent kick ass woman, who can manage just fine without you, or a push over who is happyish to be kept dangling/waiting until you make your mind up? Do you think he respects you?

If you truly want him to pick you, you need to act like you couldn't care less and you've washed your hands of him. What have you to lose? He is already with the ow. He will not choose you, if you do not.

Do you see this? What are you afraid of? Genuine questions. Not snarky or impatiently asked- just enquiringly.

Original poster

Truly40 · 16/04/2015 14:32

15 year old is not oblivious. I have talked to him. I have told him that DH does not know what he wants in life, and has 'issues' to deal with and that we may not stay together.
He has said ' if he wants to go, just let him go'

The kids have a very good relationship with DH, as I do with his adult sons (one who is at Uni, will continue to live with me).

DS1 and DD were 10 and 4 when EX-H and i separated. It was not pleasant, as we had to share the marital home until it was sold, and he refused to move out. He is improving in contact with the kids, but only recently - sees them 1 day a week - so they do see DH as the main father figure.

Quite - I am not desperate for him to come home. He is living with someone else. I have told him a number of times, he does not get to come home even if he has changed his mind. He has to go through this shitstorm he has created. Even if I wanted to reconcile (and I'm not sure even if the hoops were multiple and on fire) - there are so many stages that he needs to go through on his own - that it will take months and months. And I don't believe he's got the guts, or the willpower or the desire.

OP posts:

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 14:34

Telling him you are starting divorce proceedings is the one thing that will show him you mean business and bring him into reality. You ate saying the same things and behaving in the same way you were a year ago when his affair started.

sassandfaff · 16/04/2015 14:40

Just seen your update.

You are sometimes saying conflicting things, which confused me. Glad you have told him you don't want him back.

Now, what do you need?

I would be like, new hair, new wardrobe, out with friends, enrol on a course. Etc.

The possibilities are endless.

Got something you always wanted to do?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 16/04/2015 14:42

If someone walked out on me to be with ow, that he had previously been with, then yes I would have started divorce proceedings by now....really where is there left to go?

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 14:48

I found out a year ago that they were having an affair, he ended it, we stayed together

He didn't end it though did he. He was texting her every morning and every evening and seeing her every day at work.

You gave him an ultimatum - tell her it's over or leave. He didn't tell her it was over and you didn't tell him to leave.

He can do whatever he likes with you OP. He always has. You let him make all your decisions. Once you take control you will be happier.

Counselling? Why the hell would you want him there. Your life is nothing to do with him now. Contact re children. That's it.

How he feels about it, what he thinks, what he says, is all completely irrelevant to you.

Yes, 5 weeks is long enough to start divorce proceedings. Why wouldn't you want to get started on formalising the separation? There is only one answer to that - you want him back.

Original poster

Truly40 · 16/04/2015 14:57

Sass - have PMed you.

I'm quite happy with my hair, my clothes, myself - there is nothing I need to change about myself.

I'm making my new house a lovely home for me and the kids.
I did get new bedding and decorated my bedroom the week he walked out.

OP posts:

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 15:00

But you did all this a year ago. If you want to shock him, tell him you are seeing a Solicitor.

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 15:02

Truly do you really believe he has not been with her the whole year?

sassandfaff · 16/04/2015 15:06

Not ignoring. School run now. Will message back in a bit.

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 15:10

Did you get a job like you were going to?

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 15:13

Truly you are not believing what is being advised. You are still in the same position you were a year ago. Only thing that has changed is time. I believe you want him back and are waiting it out. You used to post exactly the same things you are saying now, a year ago. Posters were right in their advise then yet you are again not listening.

BendyStraw · 16/04/2015 15:25

Have read both threads all the way through.

Materially, I can't see that anything's changed from a year ago except that he's now living with her instead of you.

That's it. That's the only tangible difference.

Jan45 · 16/04/2015 15:32

Instead of getting yourself under a hairdryer get yourself under a new man, next time he comes knocking to see the kids, let your new fella answer the door to him, what's good for the goose.........if nothing else it will put both on an equal footing. Get out there, get him watching the kids whilst you go and have fun, esp after what he has put you through.

There is nothing more unattractive for either sex than a person who appears available 247......

Yeah he is going through a shitstorm but is making damn sure you continue to go through it too, saying that, a person only treats us like shit for as long as we allow it.

LaiLoo · 16/04/2015 15:35

Yep, if he sees you have moved on and may possibly be having sex with another man, he will so lose the plot. Nothing brings them to their senses more.

BendyStraw · 16/04/2015 15:37

This all reads like you're still in a relationship with him but he lives with someone else.

You're in danger of becoming the new OW.

FantasticButtocks · 16/04/2015 15:39

arranged the counselling for myself, and he's said he would be willing

It's great you feel empowered! You could increase that feeling I think, by saying 'no thanks, I'm doing this for myself. If you want to arrange your own, go ahead.' He would not be doing you any favours by joining you for your counselling. It would be an invasion.

loveareadingthanks · 16/04/2015 15:42

Do NOT allow him to come to your counselling.

It's for you. It has to be confidential. You don't need anyone else earwigging or putting their oar in. It's not how counselling works. If you wouldn't take your next door neighbour to listen in on your sessions, don't take him. It'll completely screw up the whole process.

Slipshodsibyl · 16/04/2015 16:04

He needs his own individual counselling. If you decide to do joint counselling he needs to have no contact with OW or younger wasting time and money.
Don't let anyone tell you what to do with your own marriage if reconciliation is something you might consider down the road. Horrible as he has been, people go through dark times. It doesn't have to define him for ever. You know him and we don't.

SanityClause · 16/04/2015 16:58

Do NOT allow him to come to your counselling.

It's for you. It has to be confidential.

A decent counsellor wouldn't let this happen, anyway. Things you have said to them in confidence should not be shared with another interested party.

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