HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Hello everyone. Have had a lot of support from the lovely ladies on this thread. I'm not a reliable local but I pop in as and when I can and if I'm desperate!

I asked my STBXH to leave a year ago after discovering his affair. I had absolutely no idea what had been going on - he told me he was mentally ill and needed space from the family. I supported him as a loving wife, holding on to the fact that he swore on our children's lives and would be returning home to us as soon as he was able. It started when I had just given birth to our second child.

Since daring to end our marriage, I have been treated appallingly. Horrible emails, refusing to talk to me, irrational behaviour, court action the list goes on. OW is pregnant and due any day.

I still have bad days but they are getting less frequent. I am actually, overall, so much happier than I ever was when we were together. He really was a manipulative, selfish and lazy arse. The relationship I have with my children is amazing and I wouldn't change it.

My aims are to get divorced (difficult when you're dealing with a crazy person) and to try and learn to forgive. Not for him but for me.

KOKO xx

And hello from me. I'm a regular, and this thread has been my lifesaver. I have been married nearly 30 years and have two sons aged 19 and 22 living with me. My story is long and complicated but the end result is I was left 5.5 months ago and he moved in with the woman he wasn't having an affair with! No comment. I'm aged 54. There has been no divorce petition and no negotiations re a financial settlement. Emotionally I have come a long way, and apart from the odd occasion, I seem to have landed in the mecca of meh. Long may it continue. I am a long way from sorting out the rest of my life, but I have plans for the best and worst case scenarios financially. Just need to be a big brave person to carry those plans through. On here I rant, I have a laugh, I do what I want. This thread is testament to my journey towards a better life.

Best advice to newcomers. Read all the threads in this series. There is so much good advice, so many different posters, so many parallels. Treat it as a self help book.

Hello, my name is Hobbit and I am the owner of the bar.
My husband of 28 years left me in October of last year for a woman I considered to be a friend. He has since moved in with her just around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons living with me, aged 23 and 19, the youngest of whom has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am currently starting mediation, nisi having been read a few months ago, to try and get a better outcome for myself and my son. It's not been an easy road, and in the last six months I have had panic attacks and had counselling, and due to the anxiety I am now on beta blockers.

My dog Jess, is the mascot of the bar. I am a bit bonkers.

Hi, I'm Rozalia. My Twunt moved out for good 8 weeks ago tomorrow. He ended our 18 year marriage with a text message. Cowardly bastard.

He had been abusive all through the marriage, but I hadn't recognised it until recently. Thought it was me making him do it. Or his abusive upbringing making him do it. Or it was reasonable for him to act that way. Usual excuses these bastards come up with.

He was physically ( not for 6 years, think he realised I'd go to the police, eventually), verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. Very controlling and I have been walking on eggshells for 18 years.
He was very dependent on me, emotionally and gets in touch regularly.

He never let me work, so in my mid-fifties I am starting again. I have just got a part time job doing something I love, so far so good. We are a long way from a divorce settlement but I think I'll be ok. Got a SHL who stands no nonsense and understands the dynamics of an abusive marriage.

I'm getting on my feet, forcing myself to. I am not going to let him destroy me or ruin the rest of my life. Getting over the damage done to me by years of abuse will probably be my greatest challenge, long term.

We had no children together, but I have children from my first marriage (also abusive, but in a very different way. Thought I'd found Prince Charming with this one). He has varying degrees of relationships with the children.

My father died a week after twunt left. That is very hard. I was close to my dad.

These threads are a real help, other women on the same journey. I am starting to read the old threads beginning to end.

This shit is hard but we will get through it all. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stranger, I am becoming very strange indeed I think.

Hi everyone, I'm still pretty new to the thread and only just started down the bumpy road to separation and divorce. I am not exaggerating to say I think the thread, or rather the ladies propping up this bar, have already made the difference between a breakdown and being able to keep going, with varying degrees of positivity.

My husband of 22 years announced at Christmas of this year that he was no longer in love with me etc etc and was leaving me and our 3 children. I suspect OW. He is away 'on business' a lot. Two of our DC are at university and one currently immersed -or not! - in GCSE revision. My husband has basically been reading me the MLC script since his announcement. I begged and pretty much humiliated myself until he agreed to stay until the end of June. Very few people know my situation,and impending status as a single lady, as I'm trying hard to keep the news from our youngest child until GCSEs are over. I'm dreading telling our children and have been able to write this post thus far without crying but have now started. The sudden tears are now a part of daily life.

Living what is effectively a double life is not advisable and extremely stressful. I wish now that I had insisted he packed his bags and left back in December. As to who is leaving the family home, this has not yet finally be decided. I have a solicitor and am currently waiting for some suggestions as to a separation agreement before the final decision is made. Our family home has so many memories, as does everyone's I know, that I am tempted to move myself and start afresh. We shall see.

The detachment advice I have been given here has been extremely successful and helped my well being. It certainly seems to have unsettled HRT (husband) and he has said some things that make me think he's not so sure after all about his new life plans to 'go it alone'. I, however am and there will be no going back for me. I still love my husband, but not the person he is now. My mum likened it to a bereavement and she is right.

I'd like to thank the ladies on this thread -with a special mention for WWK - from the bottom of my heart as we all KOKO xx

And ladies, as sponsor of Jess but sadly not her owner I shall introduce her, as Hobbit must be too busy rummaging around for props for today's picture.

So here is the lady herself. Small but with attitude. Sounds familiar. Her theme tune:
substitute respect for sausages

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0

Just made myself a bowl of porridge for breakfast. I don't particularly like porridge but I have a big box of oats left from twunt's breakfasts so I decided to eat porridge til it was gone then never eat porridge again

It was surprisingly ok, with cinnamon and a handful of frozen raspberries. But I just caught myself thinking "yay, I made porridge, I've achieved something". Good grief, I must be struggling if porridge making is An Achievement.

I must be struggling if porridge making is An Achievement

Actually eating the stuff is disgusting an Achievement!

Seriously, though, you have come an incredibly long way in such a short space of time. You have achieved loads.

One of the first things that seems to go at the beginning is the ability to eat. And cook. In my case, I hadn't cooked for years. So now I've taken down my sign that says "I only have a kitchen because it came with the house". And yes, I'm getting the hang of it again. Case of needs must when kids not available and appetite. Meanwhile there are plenty of cold foods that I realise can make a meal without cooking, eg pre cooked chicken, coleslaw etc.

Porridge can only be eaten if partially disguised with fruit and cinnamon.
I manage to eat better now. For some weeks it was toast or cornflakes or I'd forget to eat at all, then inhale chocolate.
I'm cooking the simplest of meals but my diet is healthier at the moment. I had cooked for years, everything from scratch, but it's hard to find the motivation when it's just me.
Every achievement counts. Showering, eating, sleeping, breathing in and out all day.
This shit is hard.

Hello, my name is bobs, 55, married 21+ years (can someone tell me - do you count from date of marriage to date of absolute???) Nisi granted a year ago on basis of 2 yrs separation. We did a year of solicitors and have just done 3rd mediation session which started last November.

We sold our house over a year ago, he had the proceeds (which would have funded 2 properties) tied up and we both moved into rental. As I have little income it has been a struggle since but we have adapted. He is doing what he does best and procrastinating to the hilt.

DD1 21 is in last year of uni, DD2 almost 18 is doing A Levels and has accepted unconditional uni offer so pressure's off a bit. Due to stbx's behaviour over the years both are on ADs and have had various problems.

I liken my marriage to a slow divorce. It's been going to happen for years - and he knew it. He has never understood what he has done wrong (EA, PA etc). He has had no contact, other than to do with divorce, with either myself or the DDs - probably a good thing as he can't mess with their minds any more, but sad all the same

I am a frequent visitor to Hobbit's Bar and the landlady, regulars and not so regulars are lovely, supportive and helpful to us all in understanding that shit this is hard.

My background - I was happily married for 25 years to a man I considered lovely, kind and decent. We are in our late fifties with a DS 22 and DD 16. I suspected last August that my husband was having an affair with a much younger woman who lives very close by and who I knew and was friendly with. It turned out that he had been seeing her for nearly a year and it also came to light that his first marriage had ended because he had also cheated on his first wife. That was the first I knew of it, he had lied to me about that too.

I ended our marriage at that point as he had lied to me throughout our marriage and I no longer believed that cheating was out of character for him. Since then I have found out that he had cheated on me throughout our marriage with a string of women.

He resumed seeing the OW the very day I ended our marriage and is effectively living with her next door. We also run a business together which is located in the grounds of our house.

I ended our marriage at the beginning of December and we are in the process of getting divorced.

One of the rules of the thread which I enjoy is to take the mick out of my ex-DH known on here as Sid.

Roz I like porridge for supper with raisins and loads of golden syrup. A better use for it is flapjacks.

As for the achievement thing, i relate to that! I used to breathe a sigh of relief every day when i managed to get DD2 to school and get back home safely

WWK if you get arrested and taken away can we all come live in your wine cellar? - sounds nice in there

Hi Jani Well done you - must be difficult to leave after such a long marriage. My plan was always to wait until the DD were at least at uni, but got pre-empted by the DDs themselves. You sound well grounded and at least seem financially secure and independent

Izzie hope your mouth is better this morning. I remember having my wisdom teeth out and finding it hysterical I couldn't ope my mouth wide enough to get a broad bean in

Hi to everyone else. Finding it difficult to keep track as I tend to read a lot of the posts before bed on my phone which is difficult to type on. then in the morning everything's moved on....

Thank you for the new thread WWK.

As has been said if we're being silly and talking about nonsense on here and you're feeling dreadful please interrupt and say shit this is hard. Don't worry about bringing the mood down because we all understand how it feels and we want to help if we can. We all still have bad days and better days. So you're feeling shit come on here for support and if something good has happened tell us too because it gives us hope that nice things will still happen in our lives.

If we're being all doom and gloom come and lighten the mood because as WWK says we like giggles too.

WWK is our Mother, very wise with lots and lots of good advice.
Hobbit is mad, kind and has a lovely dog.
Izzie is also mad, ranty and swears a lot and we take the mick out of her a lot
Green is a lovely lady who is giving us a bit of hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

KOKO.

I have a bit of good news...DD2 went to the doctor for more ADs and has requested to reduce them down. So from Monday (the day her mocks start!!!) she is going to ? dose and then after 2 weeks to ? dose. She still has 3 more CAMHS sessions and is finding them useful

Rozalia porridge is okay with fruit but frozen raspberries! I bought some years ago and they were disgusting! There are lots of changes nowadays that I complain about but one of the best things is that you can have fresh raspberries all year round as I love them.

I did roast pork for Sunday dinner a while ago, normally cook it lunchtime and then eat it in the evening. But, when it came to doing the rest of the dinner I just couldn't be bothered to do the roast potatoes etc so DD and I ended up with a roast dinner that was actually pork sandwiches.

Bobs that is good news about your DD. It's always a worry how the children will be affected by all this so to know she's making some progress must be a relief. x

.......taking my name in vain, are you, iwas?? Charmed I'm sure.

Actually I:

1. Had the idea of naming the original thread "Hobbit's Bar"
2. Came up with the infamous nickname of "Sid" for you know who.
3. Saw the potential in Jess to make her a mascot.
4. Have a drink named after me

AND, I'm a lovely lady really......

I'm still looking like a hamster. Which made me think of this song. So many posters on here being from Wales as well.

I'm wondering what's going on with this infection, it's hurting again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eijc2tGe-zM

Roz Do not underestimate the power of porridge. Honestly, I cook once a day now, something quick and simple - but months ago, I used to cook and then put it in the bin if I cooked at all!

It's not because I'm a terrible cook, but because nothing would stay down. When the fucker left, he also took my appetite.

I've lost over three stone with the divorce diet. I'm looking forward to putting it all back on as well! Eating is still a problem some days but not others. It's progress.

Bobs I have a wine cellar in every town in the UK. I affectionately call it Tesco's. I'm amazed they keep issuing profit warnings with my patronage . I think you count all the years until absolute. I'm not sure though. Great news about your daughter. Let's hope that signals the turning of a corner for her too.

Still no sign of the police...and no abusive emails either. I expect I'll be getting a letter on Friday then.

Yes Izzie you are lovely too and you live in a mansion...

Sorry the infection is still causing problems and that you look like a hamster shall we chip in and buy you a wheel sounds like you've got a bad one there. Have you still got antibiotics to take? x

WWK I'm hoping to lose a stone or two now that the Easter Eggs are over with! I lost about a stone last year but then went into comfort eating mode and put it all back on and more.

Hopefully nothing will be said and not your fault anyway.

Iwas it's ALL my fault - everything. I promise you, I was there in the court when he swore this to God. He says so it must be true .

For you Izzie. Man is optional extra.

Iwas frozen raspberries were bought for smoothies. They're fine in porridge, just stir them in and they melt and give a raspberry ripple affect. Yum!

Don't make me laugh, it hurts

Actually I think I've just outed myself as a perv as per Hobbitre the nude decorator in caravan pic. Yes, I've zoomed in and he's not wearing any strides......or maybe I need to go to Specsavers......

Either way, strides, no strides, not interested.

Yes have antibiotics, amoxiycillin and metronidazole. I have a follow up at the hospital on Monday, so will talk to dentist then.

I've just taken co codamol. Seems to be working. Need a break from it for a while.

iwas here is some dietary advice for you

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcKzcganDwk

Hi everyone, porridge schmorridge, I say, what's wrong with a bacon butty!
Here's our mascot today, keeping guard in case any one has the bare faced cheek to actually walk past the house!

Aww, DS2 just had his daily dose of Jess pic.

Bacon rolls! Oh yes, that's more like it. On the day we get the supermarket delivery, with crusty rolls, it's bacon rolls for dinner. Now that's what I call a decent meal!

Hobbit another request for our mascot. Could she wear something red one day, please? For DS2. As his favourite football team wears red. Sausages are in the post.......

Ha ha, DJ Izzmeister in the house! Newport! Newport ! pmsl .
Have an Izzietini on me, oh better not if you're on anti-biopics, might send you a bit doolally, but how would we tell!
Shouldn't mock the afflicted I know, hope you are better soon lovely girl, x