HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Thank you Hobbit. I did have an izzietini the other day, minus the wine, but in a wine glass. Sort of gave the illusion of a kosher drink.....

As you can tell, I'm busy recuperating today. So, I've had my crystal ball out as per Font, and have found a lovely scene involving Sid and the future ........

PS whenever I hear the word "lovely" emphasised I always think of that Newport Vid

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R5oI3RGunk

Prynhawn da pawb :-) Never heard the Newport 'song' before.

Everyone seems in good spirits! Izzie, hope your mouth doesn't get 'bad' again as we say in these parts.

Glad WWK that no arrest has been made as yet. Never been in a prison but we'd probably all have to visit you there as there's probably not regular internet access allowed for inmates?? Not sure how we'd cope without 'mother'.

Hobbit love the piccie of Jess being on guard.

Well, HRT has turned up again like a bad penny. Was beginning to wonder whether he was still in the land of the living but yes, gone to mow now to get away from me no doubt.

Well, all I can say is that I hope the OW - either existing or future- knows where her marigolds are - rubber variety not flowers!! HRT first of all thought my lack of communication was sadness and upset and said that we could carry on this situation a little longer if it would help......I laughed.

He then realised that house wasn't particularly clean - little point in hols with dog/kids/their friends in and out continually anyway - and had the bloody cheek to ask what I'd been doing for the past few days because it obviously wasn't housework!!!!! You couldn't make it up. What a twunt.

In the cold light of day, I know I'm going to better off without him.

In the cold light of day, I know I'm going to better off without him

Thanks Izzie. Can't in fact remember when he last did anything nice for me and I still do his bloody washing so that the DC don't realise that there's something wrong because their father's shirts are spilling out of the laundry basket all over the floor. I tell a lie, he did cook a dinner last week but since when was cooking dinner solely my responsibility anyway?? Hold the front pages, father cooks dinner.....

1 you know why, 'tis because you are biologically programmed to do so. Clearly your role as far as he is concerned is the 1950s housewife. If you also decide to hold down a full time job as a teacher to stop you getting bored during the day, and to earn a little pin money, well, it's nice that you have the choice. Because that poor little soldier has to GO TO WORK!

1 it must be very stressful though, for the miserable git to have to smile and be charming

Hello duck, sounds like you went through something similar to me. The cheating, wanting to give it a go, cheating again. Good for you for walking out.

I don't know how he could watch his wife get thinner and more and more stressed because he was acting like a cunt. If you were here I'd feed you up with porridge . Sounds like a threat - depending on your views on porridge of course.

Cat sounds a great idea. We need pictures when she arrives. My dog is my life saver. He accompanies me on long forest walks and watches over me while I garden. Shame he can't make coffee or bake but he does his best within his doggie sphere.

You do have a life to lead, young 'un. I decided today that, to the best I can, I'm going to create a great life with all the things I love in it. No more pandering to a fuckwit. This is the last quarter of my life and it will benefit from the hard earned lessons I've had along the way. So whether that's 6 minutes or 6 years or 30 ( let's be real), I'm in charge of my life.

Not expecting it to be easy or without challenges but I've learnt resilience.

Paddling oh my love, I never knew just how bad it was for you. And for anyone having to go through this with young children, well I take my hat off to you. I know only too well the effect that a cheating partner has on us, and how difficult it is to finally decide enough is enough. And let's face it, I didn't decide to leave, he did. You may not feel it, but you are still very young, certainly compared to a lot of us here, and you have a lot of living ahead of you, even though it just feels like survival now. I think most of us on here would say that we wouldn't have been able to cope with and get through all of this awful stuff. But we do. And we will be the better and happier for it in time. Meantime, one step at a time.

And as for the weight loss....try Minadex. It's a tonic that increases appetite. I used it occasionally when I was a lot younger and I had trouble keeping weight on.

Aw more cats. A very positive step. I think it's really important to have some positive focus on something, whatever that may be.

And so pleased that the thread has helped you

We will all get there.

Xx

Paddling when I lost weight this time round, I was really unhappy about how I looked, and it made me feel worse. So I took a short cut and just reversed all the things I had been doing to contain my middle aged spread, eg drank non diet coke, ate lots of cake etc. OK it's not exactly the healthy option, but I put my mental wellbeing above all else. Anyway, it worked pretty quickly for me.

On the subject of food, I've been a desperate woman today. I just want to eat something more than soup or yoghurt. So, I've just cooked and eaten half a pack of sage and onion stuffing. I couldn't be bothered to dish it up, so I just left it in the oven dish, and ate it like that, using oven gloves to hold the bowl. Best thing I've eaten for days!

Izzie brilliant quote re the control shit

Paddling didn't realise it was so bad Hopefully you have managed to break the control he has over how you feel and are moving on without him.

When we had been married just over a year and DD1 was 2 months old we went to my parents for Christmas. I remember spending part of it in tears hiding on the laundry room floor. Stbx didn't want to be there and made his feelings known (only to me). Shortly after that I started getting headaches. The doctor diagnosed stress and gave me meds. It was worse just before Christmas (we stopped going to my parents) and the headaches magically disappeared on Boxing Day.

Then I had x-rays done at the dentist who told me i had blocked sinuses, so I had to get prescription meds for that. I've seen consultants over the years, had scans done etc. 15 yrs or so later I don't have headaches any more (unless alcohol induced) and only suffer vertigo every so often.

Now for most of this time I didn't realise the cause of my symptoms. PA & EA weren't expression much used then. I have had a multitude more stress symptoms in the past year (thought it was peri-menopause as I'm on the upper age limit for that, but think I still have that delight to come!). However I recognise them for what they are and have resisted getting Ads from the Doctor - he has enough with the DC on them. I have decided it's my body and I have control over it and understand why it's happening (thanks to this thread). That's not to say I wouldn't consider them if we ended up in court - we'll see then!

Izzie I knew someone who lost loads of weight going through divorce. As she was coming out the other side, she couldn't stop eating red meat - tons of it Listen to your body - it's telling you to eat stuffing!!!

bobs they do say that if we listened to our bodies, we would eat more healthily. I remember seeing something about that, but all a bit vague now......

Today it was governed by what I could shove through a very small opening. It's been like spoon feeding a baby who won't open his/ her mouth.

You have put it very clearly about how your marriage impacted on your health. Very illuminating.

I know that I'm a much calmer person when I'm away from the ex, and also that he brought out the worst in me. I'm much more laid back now. And I have to say that the only time I have lost it since his leaving has been when it's been related to him, eg struggling to do things that he should have had the decency to help me with.

My default mode nowadays tends to be calm and contented. I try to encourage myself to slow down too. Not very successfully, but that's a gene pool thing! But calm. Absolutely.

I no longer wake up and consider suicide. How to do it, be successful, make it look like an accident. For years I was seriously depressed and often thought of suicide. I just couldn't do it to my children. I felt like I'd be saying " Here, I can't deal with this pain, you have it". No judging of anyone who has chosen that path, by the way, none at all.

Since twunt moved out, the first time late last year, suicidal thoughts vanished. When he came back, after 3 or 4 weeks they started creeping back. No clearer message than this guy is seriously bad news for me.

To remind myself of this - I've had a change of identity!

Haha well done Roz. One thing - how do you want that shortening...we already have a 1 on here!!!

bobs 1 fine. Not Roz...

I'm bloody starving

I'm one of these people who will easily skip eating to get things done. Really not motivated by food at all. But today, I'm obsessing over it......

I got a dog when STBXH left for another woman. He was most put out!

I love the piccies of Jess. :-)

Aw so cute! I would have swapped H for that too!

Back later, ipad nearly flat so watching BGT. Usually I avoid but it's actually rather good. Or am I just sad.....

Yey 1...3 That is so inspiring to read! It is such a big decision but a good one. What you have now is an existence - not a life so much. But you've just promised yourself one. Thrilled for you.

Roz That is liberating. It really is just noticing the small changes to remind yourself that you're making huge progress, even if you feel there's a long way to go. That's how I feel anyway. Each day as it comes.

Bobs you can be the thread dietitian! I'm listening to my body...it's saying wine.

You know both my mother and ex-Husband have real issues around food in that my mother talks about it constantly (drives me mad) and if I ever said I was hungry, MrSW would tell me I was turning into my mother. I used to beg to eat an evening meal (daft, but true). I've always been a once a day eater since I can remember so when I got hungry, I was starving! I've been making a concerted effort to eat twice a day since the divorce ended even though the appetite is still AWOL. Funnily enough when I was at MrsC's it came back with a vengeance - I practically ate her out of the home! So it all else fails, I shall move in to her's!

Izzie I regularly eat out of the oven dish! I'm glad it's not just me. Besides, I'm adjusting to my frugal life and it saves on washing up. That Newport vid is fab - I love parodies of anything, but that is up there with the best!

Paddling a cat will change your life. What an excellent decision. They have a permanently upturned mouth so they always look like they are smiling. If it weren't for my two, I don't know how I would still be here. One of them has even become a lap cat since he left and is currently rolled up on my legs, purring away. One day I'll get my dog and that will be my present for surviving a shit marriage. This shit might be hard, but having pets makes things more bearable. KOKO.

Hobbit loving the piccies of Jess although I know she hates me! You should take her to mediation. Tell FF 'give me what you want or Jess eats your balls!'.

She's a stunning looking dog though, isn't she? I love the one on the last thread where she was conked out on the bed - she almost looks like a puppy. Reminds me of when I slept with her...

Just rejoining the new thread.... 23yr EA marriage ended in November. I moved out. I've mostly been ok and ex has been relatively quiet & well behaved (so far). This week however I have been struggling with my anger at how I was treated so am going for counselling as I don't want my future disposition and reaction to various situation be influenced by him or what he put me thru!!

Donki that is one gorgeous dog. I could never get one like that though...everyone would say 'oh look, twins'.