HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

I've told my solicitor he'll be setting up with someone else, which he feels is a consideration in terms of a financial settlement.

My current thoughts on why he's not moved in with her yet are that she may be close to getting her divorce finalised and they're holding off until that's done so she gets a better deal, which doesn't make me more inclined to be generous. Hopefully her dc will split the beans and mess it up for her.

I had set him moving in with her as an arbitrary time for starting divorce proceedings, but I've now decided I'll do it as soon as the financial information is in place. His papers will have to come here if he's still of no fixed abode. Hopefully I'll have my stuff together in the next month, and by then I'll have finished boxing up his stuff and I'll have the house in order. I've just done another box :)

Hello Teapot good to 'see' you! Welcome to the bar.

[Teapot has been so supportive to me and really calmed me down when I was yo-yo-ing back and forth to court]

I hope all goes well in court tomorrow. I completely agree that you should tell your solicitor anything and everything. They are very clever people with lots of very ingenious advice. I'd have been lost without mine and we always had a good laugh when she kept getting disconnected whilst 'driving through tunnels'.

Whyme He is just dreadful. A nasty piece of work. He makes every effort to cause you distress. Don't try to rationalise his behaviour. He's "just" a cunt. Please, please, please, take care of yourself and don't react to him. It's all designed to provoke you.

EFG rant away! That's what we are here for. Divorce is incredibly hard even when it's supposedly straightforward. Mine should have been a simple divorce but it totally spun out of all control. I blame no one but him for that. It was hell.

Hobbit It is completely normal to be scared, you know that. I want you to stop with the self-doubt: you've done nothing wrong, and your needs are not unreasonable. Tell yourself that it's just a palaver getting him to wake up and smell the roses. Failing that shove them up his arse. Thorns first.

Iwas it's a great song, isn't it? "Don't cry to me, you played me wrong" is my favourite line.

whyme at the prom pic comment last night! Glad you're still managing to retain a sense of humour through all his twattishness!

EFG you seem remarkably balanced and well-informed - and (up to now) you're all being reasonable - good for you

Teapot - hi - I recognise your name from other threads. He sounds utterly nasty, nasty, nasty! re his uncrystalised tax debts and (potentially) leaving you and young DC homeless - do I sense a cunning plan here a la Mrsc? It's great you have WWK helping you

Izzie and Hobbit hope your head/mouth is feeling ok today (different reasons of course)

EFG oh yes that not moving in is very significant in terms of his outgoings which would be declared. I'm pleased to say that my ex fell straight into that trap. Moved in with a financially self supporting woman. Bingo!

I would see what the solicitor advises re timing. Have you checked out whether it mentions on Form E re planning to cohabit? If I knew the answer, I would have told you, of course

The way I see it, divorce is a piece of paper. Same as a marriage certificate. But money is a lot more reliable and worth waiting for if necessary.

That was a very moving song WWK and iwas

iwas I feel devoid of all energy, starving and raring to get back to work tomorrow. Not. To the last thing

There you go Izzie - get your gnashers round that (you might have to get a DS to cut it up small first though)

Thanks for the welcome everyone. :)

WWW - loving the 'driving through tunnels'. Or should that be """driving through tunnels""" I count my blessings on a daily basis that I'm able to get legal representation to help me through this. I've self-repped for part of it but really don't know how I'd cope with the fuckwittery at this stage without a SHL/SHB. Both of whom will hopefully be coming into their own tomorrow.

bobs - what has helped me to rationalise it all is that I really do think (or rather, I know) my ex has certain mental health issues that makes this very difficult for him to deal with. Eg. he does have anxieties about past tax issues, but rather than be able to deal with this properly, he's a complete nightmare. In 2.5 years we haven't been able to have one normal conversation about the tax issue and it's got to the stage where my SHL thinks 'bring it on' - my ex has been terrorising me with the prospect of it crystallising for so long now, and his behaviour is so erratic and strange, I really can't do anything other than plough on with the court process.

I recently realised that when you're dealing with a Certain Type Of STBXH that basically, it's like negotiating with terrorists. In other words, you just can't. Which is all well and good when it comes to the finances, but horrific when it comes to contact. If I don't do what he says, he has in the past just stopped seeing the children. So I'm left with traumatised and uncomprehending children on the one hand, and me left feeling like it's all my fault. Hoping tomorrow brings a bit of clarity on that front.

I carry this quote around with me, written on a postcard and in my head:

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer" - Camus

That is a fantastic quote Rozalia. Stealing immediately

Yes Teapot I can relate to someone who won't negotiate. I walked out at our 3rd mediation session after a totally wasted 11/2 hrs of hime saying "poor me" and said that if he doesn't come up with some sort of proposal before the next meeting there won't be one (ie we go to court) Now we'll see what he really really wants . Re the DC, mine luckily are old enough to choose their own path where he is concerned. I really feel for you with young DC who are being pushed and pulled, fed false info and are being let down. I think that is one of the reasons I left it as long as I did as I knew this would happen.

Great quote Roz I did Camus for A Level - La Peste - not pleasant!

For any lurkers who are newly separated, there is a valuable lesson to be learned from my recent dental problems. For some 5.5 months I have almost constantly been on the go. It was my way of dealing with the situation. And in fairness, I'm not someone who relaxes easily. Mentally, my actions have been the right thing for me. But physically, I'm now paying the price. Since he left I have had various weeks off, holiday, and have I rested during them? Not at all. I have pushed myself beyond exhaustion sometimes. I have gone back to work for a rest, as the cliche goes. I don't look after myself physically, but that has never been a problem in the past. I rarely get colds etc, I'm just incredibly lucky. However, when I think back to the sheer physical punishment I've put my body through over the months since he left, I'm amazed I didn't crash well before now. As it is, what should have been a simple infection has turned into a major issue, because I have no reserves to fight it. My dentist had commented previously that I tend to get the odd infection but then just fight it off myself. Which is true. This, though, has just rampaged. And now, having eaten little since Monday night, I am totally devoid of energy and feeling shit.

So please, take some time to look after the body. I can't emphasise enough how kamikaze an approach I take to my health. So when I say look after your body, you know why.

PS I am very frustrated at not having the energy to do anything. I can't settle.

bobs in my dreams I have eaten that meal countless times. Thank you!

I'm struggling today. My H left me 7 months ago. I have finally given up trying to get him back or hoping he will change his mind, but I'm now just so so sad. He's out with our DCs today in the sunshine at a theme park and I'm home alone. I would love to be there and have it like it was.

And he didn't cheat, isn't being a bastard, hasn't turned on me. Of course he's got his own view of how our marriage deteriorated which isn't always fair, he of course tried and then gave up (I didn't see this coming). But I can't even hate him.

I'm trying to throw myself into projects etc. which sort of helps, but not in the dark hours. And I get the DCs back tonight to fight them into bed and sort them out while he has the fun.

Every day is a struggle and the pain and sadness isn't going away.

Oh Cassa your post set me off. I think the letting go allows you to start grieving. And it's right that you allow this to happen. Don't fight the tears when you feel you need to cry. Let it out. It's a bereavement. I think it must be so much harder when you can't have any anger either. That keeps a lot of us going. It certainly did me for a while. But I still mourn the man I loved and married, although not the one he became. I find that crying releases the pressure, and I feel better afterwards. You're doing right by finding positives in your life, giving yourself some direction. But you still need to grieve. It really will pass eventually. Anyone who has ever lost anyone close to them will tell you that you will heal, reach some conclusions and move on emotionally. Of course once in a while, maybe when least expected, something will trigger it again, maybe a song on the radio. But that's life. But you won't be forever feeling like this. That oft used phrase time is a healer, it's so true. Music is a huge trigger of memories for me. Sometimes I've deliberately put on certain songs, just to let out all my emotions.

I'm a pretty grounded person, work through my own issues etc. I let my feelings out. Contrast that with the ex. His mum died two years ago, and he still hasn't cried for her. It's because he is unable to deal with emotional stuff that our marriage failed. I will heal. He will still be left with his issues, and the longer they are left, the more screwed up he will become. So Cassa, let yourself mourn. It won't last forever,and it's healthy and necessary for your emotional recovery.

Sorry this post rambles on. Hope you can get some sense of it

He's just been to pick up dd for the evening, and I didn't cry in front of him, which is good, I could feel it coming on I think mainly because she was looking at me to see if I was OK. Had a little sniffle after they'd gone but now I'm OK.

It is getting a bit easier, I hardly cried yesterday or the day before so my eyes are less sore and puffy which is good because I'm back at work tomorrow. I tried not to make eye contact with him which probably helped.

Off for a soak in the bath.

I barely cry at all - don't know if it is just that I have had enough of putting him first for the past 4 years or what and just trying so darn hard all the time walking on eggshells.... I feel that all my emotion has been SUCKED OUT OF ME - literally! I cried at Supervet with the dog last week but other than that - not much.. I went out for a walk today on a River Trail and although I was on my own I actually enjoyed myself. The weather was sunny. Ordinary everyday things or encounters seem to take on more meaning now ( because I am lonely?) and I realise that perhaps I was carrying in my head so much all the time about HIM and HIS needs that I was missing/ignoring the rest of the world going by.This is difficult to explain and it is now the time when I am in the house on my own again but some of the people that I encounter on a day to day basis e.g. just people in shops are nicer to me in the way they speak than he has been in a long time. ( I know that it is " shop talk" etc ) That probably sounds a bit pathetic but he hasn't been caring towards me in a long, long time as so wrapped up in himself. ( My situation is of course that I only know a couple of people here so live currently quite a solitary life)

and to all the out there who are having a shit or a good day x

Huh! It's been sunny where you lot are today? It's been blowing a hooly and peeing down here in the arse end of nowhere, it's a good job I've been in work! Sunny schmunny, I say.

Hello lovely ladies, hi cassa and EFG, I can see some of us are ok and some of us are not today, that's only natural, this shit is so hard to deal with.

Here's another pic of Jess to lighten the load a little, she's still waiting for the postman to bring those sausages, Izzie

It's been really windy here, and now I need to walk the dog it's raining.

At one of my lowest points, as the latest nightmare was unfolding, we were staying at a B & B in the Lake District. Twunt had withheld affection, stopped communicating and was generally being cruel. This had been going on for months. Turns out OW was on the scene, but I was just beginning to suspect this.
Anyway, B & B had a little dog which really liked me and was very affectionate with me. Owners were surprised as he didn't normally like anyone, including them!
I was so desperate to get twunt's love again I actually spent time telling him that dog loved me so that showed I was a loveable person. Not in so many words of course.

I vividly remember my desperation, fear and bafflement about what was going on. I tried talking to twunt but I got stonewalled.

This morning he texted me to say how unhappy he is and full of regret for how he's treated me. Can't sleep, needs ADs. That karma' said real bitch, isn't she?

Hi everyone, glad you like the username WWK. I'm hoping it will act as a reminder to me. The piccies of our mascot do lighten the load hobbit and I agree, some very mixed emotions out there today. Welcome EFG and teapot - you've come to the right place . I'm with izzie, I feel better after I've cried. Can be anything small - often music that sets me off. My DD told me I was the glue that held our family together today. The word 'family' set me off. The only thing I would say is that now I recover more quickly.

wiseone what you've just posted is very moving and I think my OH would have acted like yours in a few more years if we'd stayed together. Before his announcement I can remember saying to him a few times that complete strangers spoke to he more politely than he did. Quite telling. It really sounds as if yr ex has sapped you of all emotion and energy. I'm sure in the long run you will be way better off- as will we all. Which reminds me, I heard a song on the radio that I hadn't heard for ages by Gabrielle - I will try to find it and post.

The last song posted was beautiful - if sad. We've all 'been played' to a greater or lesser extent me thinks.

I really feel for you ladies with young DC. An added strain that's for certain. Mine will decide how much and when they see their father and that's a relief.

Roz well done for not ringing yesterday - progress

Not had a great day - been tired - long night talking through things and getting no where really. You can't reason with the unreasonable. I must stop trying.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. xx

Can I ask how you feel about that, Roz my love? Does it make any difference to your emotional well being? Do you feel vindicated or just sad?

I'm curious because i do want that from my stbxh, I want an apology and I want to know he does feel remorse for hurting me when I did nothing to deserve it. But I don't know if I will ever get that from him.

Does it make any sense to you at all? Am I just being foolish in wanting him to come crawling , maybe it's just my issues with rejection coming to the fore, I want him to feel the same pain I felt.

And kick him to the kerb......

Gabrielle - Rise With Lyrics - YouTube
Video for gabrielle rise again youtube? 3:31
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JiBTrK2WPI

Mine has cried and shown remorse and he's too ashamed to face his family. It does help a little bit, I couldn't have been as reasonable as I've been if he'd just cleared off without looking back or if he'd been smug. I'm confident he'll live to regret his actions whether he ever admits it we'll have to wait and see.

It still smarts though that he's been able to hide away while doing his crying and thinking, while me, the innocent party, has had to face everyone and maintain normal life for dd. Not that I would have left her, but you know what i mean.

Ps Izzie - How's your mouth tonight?

Living well is the best revenge (George Herbert)

My new motto.