HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

bobs123...it appears that he has chucked all his old clothes away and bought new expensive stuff...now that was a waste of my black sacks.
As for loose stitching...I think that is her underwear department.

Geographical tongue...that sounds horrible. The body is a strange thing. (well his was anyway!) Apologies couldn't resist that one.

Night night Izze. xx

Hey bobs...how did you get my prom photo?

I'm by the sea too. I live in a breathtakingly beautiful place.

Heartbreak country.

But, he tried to ruin me. I'm still here. Standing. Just about.

When things get hard, I allow myself to hear:

KOKO.

Ah WWK that's my song too. Heard it in a shop a few months ago and it made me cry, it was the lyrics about him playing me that got to me.

KOKO indeed x

Paddling sweetheart that was so sad reading the extent of what you went through, especially with your weight.

Brilliant news that you are getting a cat too, haven't had our two a week yet and already feel that we'd be lost without them. They really are a huge distraction and they make me smile and laugh. I hope your cat gives you as much happiness as ours are doing.

KOKO sweetheart, you are doing so well.

Morning all

For Hobbit. Thinking of you especially, my lovely

Thankfully our financial situation is fairly straightforward, it's just house equity and pensions to sort out really and one joint asset of high value to sell which he has currently. Not that reaching an agreement will be easy though. The difficulty at the moment is getting him to get the cetv of his pension without filling in the forms for him, which I'd usually do, but I've said I won't do anything about buying him out of the house unless it's part of divorce proceedings, for which I need the cetv so my solicitor can advise me. He claims he thought we could do it without a solicitor, in other words without me being properly advised.

He wants me to buy him out of the house (which i will do) but doesn't understand (apparently) why we need to talk about pensions. He has a figure in mind for the equity which is higher than I want to pay out and doesn't offset any pension difference, it's all a load of rubbish as "she" is already much further ahead with her divorce and I'm sure is trying to extract every penny she can out of her ex, who I know is being difficult, and who wouldn't in his situation, we're both facing giving them money to set up house together, thankfully for me with his dc not mine. I'm sure she's advising him.

Part of me thinks just do what he wants and keep things nice, but I can't I need to do the best for me and my daughter and why the hell should she and her dc benefit.

Whenever money comes up he gets wound up, probably because he's realised the financial implication of his new life with someone else's dc to house and support and with a much lower earner, with higher expectations of lifestyle. He rants about it getting messy and he'll insist on 50/50 which is nonsense. He'll do far worse out of this if he drags me through the courts and he'll run up a big legal bill. At least I know he's going to live to regret this, the initial excitement is probably already wearing off, reality hit him hard, now they have two divorces and two ex's to deal with, and both of them in temporary accommodation. He's in for a major change in financial circumstances and lifestyle.

Sorry for the long rant, it's therapeutic to write this down and difficult to say to anyone in rl.

Sorry got to rant....the fucking bastard.....

He's picked the children up and I didn't get into an argument with him. I just handed them over and drove off. Then when I got home the bastard sends me a text..."Hi...going back to . May be meeting with later. I thought you should know. See you at 7."

He moved out of his house yesterday and I have no address for him now. Plus his solicitors letters said that his mums address is now for all contact. He's switched his mobile off now as well. So I don't know where my children are. What a nasty evil man.

My little one cried going this morning and didn't want to go. It was so hard to hand them over.

After the effect that bitch had on my children last week he's making them see her again so soon. What is fucking wrong with him.

God I hate him at this precise moment. He is a twisted self important fucking c u next Tuesday.

I've just got another text from him saying the girls and fine and happy and for me to stop calling. WTF!

Morning ladies :)

I've been wanting to post on this thread for a while but haven't been sure whether it's been the right thing to do - partly because I'm already a way down the line and partly because my STBXH has form for tracking me down on MN and using the information against me... - sound familiar?

WWW knows me, in fact she was my McKenzie Friend a few weeks back for one of my many court hearings :) and has been a great support over the past few months.

A brief introduction - separated in Jan 2013 after 4 yrs marriage but 10 yrs cohabitation; two young DC. STBX is a very very difficult man, our marriage was very hard work, he was never happy, he had an affair and is with that person now - although being clever enough not to live together before the divorce finalises. I was so unhappy during our marriage that when he announced to me (also via text message, such a modern man! ) that it was over, the penny dropped for me and I felt an almost immediate relief. I've spent 10 years trying my hardest to have a good relationship with someone who felt impossible to please, and life feels immeasurably better without walking on eggshells around him.

He's been an absolute nightmare since separation - for the first few months while under the same roof accusing me of abuse, calling the police, desperately trying to get me arrested by making false accusations. Eventually I got a non-mol although agreed to joint undertakings because I just wanted him to leave me alone. He moved out in May 2013 (and to near where OW lives). He has paid CM only sporadically, and gone from being a high-earner to barely working.

We've been through the court process re. contact because he was being so controlling around it - claiming he wanted 50:50 (despite never having shown much interest prior to separation) but has had long periods of not seeing the children. We now have a court order which he almost never adheres to because he doesn't agree with the terms. He's now applied for a variation on it and we're back in court tomorrow to deal with that amongst other things. He triggered SS involvement by making up further false allegations regarding my mental health, all of which have thankfully been seen to be what they are - ie. malicious and unfounded.

Re. the finances, my ex is still pretty much refusing to disclose properly and it's been a complete nightmare. He also claims he has an uncrystallised tax debt of between £250k and £1m which if true would leave us all penniless and homeless. He's refused to disclose any evidence of this so far but said in our last hearing that if we go to FH he will crystallise the debt. He is bonkers enough to do this.

We're back in court tomorrow for a Pre Trial Review prior to our final hearing in June. I'm about 50k in debt for legal fees all of which will have to come out of the housing pot. My SHL says he's the worst he's ever dealt with in his career. His lawyer is at his wits end but totally incapable of controlling him, and we're now making a claim for costs against the solicitor as well as against my ex. Who knows how we'll get on with that however....

Christ that was meant to be a brief introduction - ah well that's what you get when you're 2.5 years down the line and divorcing a complete mentalist!!

Ooh just wanted to add re. submitting documents to the court that strictly aren't yours... I would say do check if it's possible because it's not totally black and white even following the case WWW refers to. We have submitted a copy of something that I opened inadvertently which turned out to be a pension policy doc for a new pension that my ex had started just prior to separation, and whilst paying us £5 a week in maintenance, which showed him planning to pay £3,000 a month into said pension.

This document is proving very useful because STBXH now claims that he is but a poor person with meagre means and expectations, who never thought he'd amount to much blah blah blah. Although when I told my solicitor about it he told me to give it straight to him and that he would need to return it to my ex via his solicitor, we have also used it as evidence and it's been completely acceptable to do so.

Why this is a repeat of before, isn't it? Later on he will claim that youngest DD is upset because of your harassment. . It's bloody sick and another one for the unreasonable behaviour file. I assume you are documenting how the girls are. I assume you will speak to your solicitor again re contact arrangements. Meanwhile, it's so easy for me to say this, but for the time being, today, can you get a supportive friend or relative to be with you?

He is absolutely vile, and I hope that all of these actions will backfire on him.

Thinking of you xx

Sorry x-posted whyMe - you poor love, I've been there and it's utterly shit.

I second that advice re. getting some support from a friend today if you can. He knows what he's doing and he knows this will get to you. And then when you react they use your reaction against you to try to twist YOU round to being the problem. Try if you can to channel your reaction away from him today because he will only use it against you - he's given you that heads up by telling you that they're fine, so anything you say or do now he will say is the behaviour of someone unhinged. Write it all down. Big hug to you, I really do know how this feels, it gets at the very core of your being when its your kids involved.

Hello everyone, Hobbit is back in the building,
Firstly, here's our mascot today, looking ship shape and bristol fashion, for your ds2 Izzie.
Have been out gallivanting for my birthday, hence why I was AWOL for most of yesterday, have caught up with everyone now, welcome Teapot that's a bit of a Herculean task you've had to deal with isn't it?

Thanks Izzie and Teapot. Once again you're here for me. Really appreciate it.

I've got a friend coming down soon so I'll be back on here later to update you.

Teapot...welcome to our bar.

xx

Still bricking it regarding mediation, but thanks to everyone for helping me to strap on my steel balls, and offering advice and support.

I will take you all in there with me, < really wish I could> in spirit.
Apparently FF and BF have been posting pictures of their holiday on Faceballs and twatter, you know I don't do Internet stalkery, but the friends I was with last night do, and told me he's put some really ugly photos up, twat!

WhyMe sorry you're really not getting any respite from his shit are you. The "I thought you should know" text is exactly the same sort of irritating comment I would get from Sid, deliberately said to wind you up.

It is hard not to react and especially so when your children are involved but just try to ignore him and keep yourself busy whether that be with friends or do something nice for yourself. The more you realise and accept that there is a lot wrong with him the more it will help you to detach.

KOKO

Part of me thinks just do what he wants and keep things nice, but I can't I need to do the best for me and my daughter

Too right. It would be so easy just to get it all over and done with, but you would bitterly regret it further down the line. You should negotiate and fight for what you are entitled to. This is your financial future. If anyone were to consider being generous, it would more likely be the "guilty party". Precisely because they felt guilty for their actions

I think eventually reality kicks in with them and as you say, the financial implications become apparent. I'm sure that's why my ex hasn't done anything to move towards a financial settlement.

Pensions, have you checked out this as a starting point?
www.pensionsadvisoryservice.org.uk/about-pensions/when-things-change/when-relationships-end

Also this one, explaining how we may need to take a larger percentage to achieve the same payment as them
www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/10229495/Top-five-financial-mistakes-women-make-in-divorce.html

One thing I keep reading about pensions is that it does seem to be a specialist field. Therefore I would certainly recommend reading far and wide on the subject. Apologies if you already have.

As for him, reality kicking in. My heart bleeds for him. Not

Can the man sink any lower Why my love, he's already lower than a snakes belly! Try to look after yourself today, pamper yourself doing things just for you, have lunch out, try and relax a bit, easier said than done I know, but take care of yourself, x

Thanks Hobbit. Yes, Herculean is a good word to describe it. As a friend of mine describes it, his behaviour has been "extremely hostile" since separation. Not that you'd think it by the way he treats me sometimes when he's not in angry mode, cheerful as you like and offering to do things like come and mow the lawn or kill a big spider...

I don't know your story well Hobbit - is tomorrow the first session of mediation? My advice would be to go in with low expectations in terms of your OH's cooperation, and then you won't be disappointed We tried it and it was a complete waste of time because my ex saw it for what it was - ultimately the only weight/gravitas it has is that it is accorded by the two of you... in other words, it only takes one person to play hard ball and you get nowhere. I wish you strength (and a really good mediator) for tomorrow. :)

Hi Hobbit, lovely to hear from you. What day is your birthday? Is it 15th? Great to see you out gallivanting.

DS2 will love the pic when he gets home thank you

Izzie Thanks for the links.

He was initially inclined to be very generous, but later realised he couldn't afford to be, I wonder who enlightened him :)

Hello Teapot and welcome, sounds like you've been having an horrific time. Great that you have WWK on your side, she's a very wise and lovely lady. Hope court goes well for you tomorrow. x

Morning Hobbit hope you enjoyed your Birthday gallivanting yesterday. Hopefully the mediation won't be as bad as you think and you can relax a bit more on your actual Birthday. We all be with you (and your steel balls) in spirit on Tuesday. I know how much you are dreading it and how hard it will be to see him after all of this time but you are a very strong lady and you can and will get through it and hopefully the fear of it won't be as bad as the reality.

If they're putting photos up of their holiday they could only be ugly ones. Just think your house is now a lyrca free zone. xx

How are you feeling today Izzie?

Hobbit best advice I can give for mediation. Write down what you want to raise. In detail. Take it in with you. Use and read it out if necessary.

So many of us will be with you in spirit. I'm bricking it for you. I really don't think you have anything to worry about as regards the eventual settlement, but common sense deserts us all sometimes. And that's the only reason I'm bricking it.

Write down all those things WWK told you to say, too. Read that before you head in.

It will be like an exam. The bit before is a lot worse than the actual event. Once it's started there's a brief panic, and then the brain kicks in.

As for those photos, well they are two ugly people on the inside. I also find it pathetic that any middle aged person in their situation would be deluded and pathetic enough to post that sort of stuff. And I find it utterly incredulous that people like them feel they deserve a holiday! Oh, and karma will hit her big time. I bet so many of her acquaintances are disgusted by her actions after what happened to her marriage. She may not be much of a presence on here, but she ranks it down there with some of the worst OW.

EFG exactly as I was advised. Get in quick before someone starts stirring it. Erm, no I didn't. But in my case I'm happy with that decision

Teapot welcome, and time is no barrier to the bar. I don't know how many times it must have been said on these threads "you couldn't make it up". I'm speechless, though, yet again. Good luck for tomorrow, and let us know how you get on with --the fuckwittery- the hearing. And thanks for the tip re stray pieces of paper.