HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Also since I'm in a bah humbug kind of mood - this lovely weather just makes me feel worse. I hate it. A year ago, I loved it - I still have my diary from then and I was just so in my element.

On the plus, I've just got home and finally got both my cars fixed - the garage people were lovely, having been badly let down by my 'local' one, and badly ripped off by another local one, I decided to venture further afield (because that's a sensible thing to do when both your cars are on their last legs...not!).

Anyway, got the first one fixed really quickly, so came all the way home again...and took the DeathTrap Mobile all the way out again. They made me a lovely cup of tea, and I sat out in the sun and read some mags. Once I'd done that then it was just me and my empty thoughts - which is never a good thing. Usually I would take my phone out with me because you know if the car broke down or something...

...but I forgot it.

However, neither car was terminally broken so that's good news - I can now sell the old one. Best bit was I must really look fed up because both car repairs came to a grand total of £63 quid.

My jaw hit the floor.

No doubt they realise I'm probably going to be a weekly customer!

So then I went and got some grub in me (I saw myself in the mirror today, and realised just how thin I am now) and then I cried all the way home - to find I've got an interview - in two weeks time, and one next week. Progress. Just hope I get one of them.

They reckon luck comes in threes don't they?

So I've bought some lottery tickets.

Tomorrow I'm going to do lots of ebaying work and get one car and other stuff flogged.

Frizzy DO NOT feel bad about asking for help and support here - it's freely given. As I've said before, this journey is horrendous. Over time you adjust to the shock and despair of it all - but it is without doubt not to be underestimated how utterly dreadful it is. Just focus on getting through each part of the day, and eat/sleep if you can. It is the one time in your life when you are entirely justified in being self-centred and self-absorbed, because you really need to look after yourself in the first few months.

All I've just been reading about SARAH curves (never heard of them before) for a completely unrelated to divorce issue. It struck me that it's so much more appropriate in divorce than the grief cycle and it really acutely, dramatically, drops quite sometime after the shock (in one depiction of it) - which is what so many of us experience(d) where we thought we were coping better, only to suddenly be overcome seemingly when people started to expect us to be "getting over it".

Well, aren't we all glad we are normal at the very least!

'Cept Hobbit cos she's bonkers. Lovely but bonkers.

63 quid??????? bloody hell!!!!!!! that's normally just the VAT amount if you so much as look at a garage! Hope the lottery tickets are equally lucky!

Well done on getting the interviews

So today was hard, not sure why we go up and down. I had to txt him last night to ask if he was paying electricity bill due... No reply so looks like that's mine, along with school fees of £177 and he never paid DS his allowance of £80 to help him pay for stuff at uni ( he doesn't get full grant/loan ). I'm on benefits yet I send my DS £50 most weeks for food, he gets an extra £40 each month from me. Yet Dhead was the the big man taking kids, his Mum and Dad ( who he doesn't get on with ) and my step daughter (24) and her boyfriend out to lunch a couple of times over Easter. He's demanding that the car he left me be sold ( for him to get the money) and he's trying to sell new car that I paid £7000 into ! He is still trying even harder to keep DD on side by keeping her horse on ( I paid for, and livery until January ) ... Excuse me but am I being out of order in thinking he's a massive fuckwit ? So took DD for her first eye brow wax... Did I get any thanks... No, just more seething looks that translate as 'my Dad says he's got nowhere to live because you won't move out '
Really sorry I'm in such a shit mood but doesn't help that my neighbours are clearly busting a gut to find out what the hell is going on at my house... Fecking nosey bastards

Agree with bobs...£63! bloody hellfire! and congratulations, remember when that winning ticket rolls in I am your best mate and all that ;) (jk)

I was just so relieved my car passed its MOT recently with a couple of advisories which I obviously felt obliged to get fixed with same garage at a cost of £130 but hey ho

I need help, he is seriously piling on the hoovering right now. Why the hell did I engage with this? So far have fended off counselling and meeting up for drinks. I am pretty sure I have already dealt with this before but some time has passed since my last definitive "NO" to both so I guess he is trying his luck. Apparently he is signed off work for three weeks for depression, is going away this weekend I haven't asked where and is going to see someone for sex therapy.

frizzy you poor thing, can you at least try and do something special for yourself, however small?

Frizzy don't feel obliged to post individual replies! just use the thread to suit you. We all know what it's like in the early days, and we don't expect anything. Eventually, when you feel better, as you will, you will just naturally feel that you have something to say bout what someone has posted. This is one of the reasons why Hobbit decided not to head up the thread for a while! because she felt obliged to help everyone! but felt she wasn't in a good place to do so. And despite us saying there were no expectations, she still decided to step aside. So, just vent, post and take what advice Nd support you can get.

Your last post today, I know, you do everything for them, you think it would count for something, but they bugger off when it suits them, no thoughts or obligations. And I do understand your mixed feelings about your eldest son meeting up with him. You want them to have a relationship with their father, but at the same time it feels like they are consorting with the enemy. I still have mixed feelings on that score myself nearly 6 months on.

Your anger will come and you will hate him. And eventually you will emotionally detach. And it's when you emotionally detach that you know you are in a much better place emotionally. Give it time, you have a lot of emotions to work through. And it doesn't happen in a straight line either, you can swing from one to the other. Just go with it, all of the emotions need to be expressed for you to finally heal. And you will do.

Hobbit the ipad was on a go slow so I haven't yet been able to zoom in on Jess partaking of her favourite tipple. But my guess was that it was bacon flavoured. But a sausage is very classy for us darn Sarf

Oh I'm so relieved, the builder came round to look at the water blockage. Did a few things and said would have to come back tomorrow. But blimey, when he left and I put the taps on again, it was full flow. He must have just cleared the final blockage in the bath mixer, which I couldn't get a seal on to do. Bloody relieved. I felt like crying when he thought he would have to come back and investigate. But yes he confirmed I was doing all the right things yesterday. So another one under the belt for me. I can't quite mange the Dave Strut yet because I'm a bit emotionally wrung out after all the stress it caused. He's coming back to fit a new something in the tank. He said the twunt could do it although didn't use the word twunt of course and I told him he bloody well wouldn't.

Well ladies, we will still have the Dave Strut. And until I feel EPIC, I will imagine walking those heels all over the twunt's face

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ643U7ccpM

Actually I feel a bit EPIC after watching that

Izmeister is coming back.

Go me!!!!

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck I've posted a very excited reply to Frizzy. Sorry, the ipad has had another outbreak of exclamationitis. Fucking thing

Excellent news WWK.

And as for the lottery win, I remember you saying that I was the most loveable loon. Just saying .

Mwah!

Ali - he's starting then...with the decrees. They get really tiresome, and what I learnt is that...they can't!

They've no single right to dictate a damned thing. As for the bills, if he's refusing to pay them, and you're on legal aid, speak to your solicitor about interim periodical payments. Long shot, but you never know.

No to selling ANYTHING in divorce (over £500) without co-permission and the money has to go to your solicitor's account if you can't agree, or split if you can. MrSW got into quite a bit of bother for doing this and it was all added back into the pot, whereas shiny halo me gave anything over £500 pounds to my solicitor. Some things may have sold for 499.99 but I don't control market rates 'cos that's just economics innit! And I was able to prove that my SM claim was not sufficient after he'd started generating bills in my name, and dumping other bills in my name that he'd previously agreed to pay, it was easy to show why there was a shortfall between what I should have given to my solicitor and what I actually had. And the difference was not added back.

It just made him look like a cunt in court.

Which, funnily enough, is what he is.

Obviously, I don't know your neighbours, I found one of the best things to do was tell them. People took me out, invited me over, brought baskets of vegetables - all sorts including solving minor (and sometimes bigger) problems. Amazing really. Restored my faith in humanity in a way. Now if I have a problem, I can just ask for help (I'm really bad at that to be honest). I expected to be the talk of the village (was before!) but what I didn't expect was how much support I got from them.

Just got an email from the National Trust, he's used our family membership, presumably to take her and her offspring out, bastard. So he's checked them in as thought they're me and my daughter.

I've forwarded the visitor survey email to him with a note to say I've cancelled the membership and he'll have to get his own once it expires. Hope it rained.

I'm not expecting a response, but he might think before he uses it again.

Shows she has no morals whatever.

Braving scummy cheapskates.

I'll phone them tomorrow and see if I can opt out of the emails, I don't want to know where he's going and when.

This thread is so useful. I didn't know about the £500 rule and I strongly suspect Ali's STBXH didn't either. But now Ali does .
My Twunt has been pressuring me to sign something and is astonished that I'm refusing to. He's been so used to getting his own way, by bullying usually. He's also expressed more astonishment that I don't trust him.....

Frizzy I feel the same regards Twunt spending time with the children. Mine are adults too and most weekends he spends sometime with some of them. I'm conflicted because I recognise it's good for them to have a good relationship with him. And they're adults who can make their own choices. But a part of me feels "How can you spend time with the bastard when you know how he's treated me?".

How ever they don't know everything he's done and he is afraid I'll tell them. He texted me a week or so ago begging me not to tell them. Must play on his conscience as I've never breathed a word about doing so.

Some things may have sold for 499.99 but I don't control market rates 'cos that's just economics innit!

That's what happens when you pay for the wife to get a business degree

I was having a good day, planning a night out tomorrow and now I feel shit again, I've been trying not to think about what he's doing and then it landed in my inbox.

Evening all! Had a quick scan through comments. Will be back later. A wonderful Jess piccie Tosser home. He's sensed my disappointment and gone to mow! Progress!

Braving I know the feeling. I'm out tomorrow. And due to my late nights, I look like I've been dug up! And whereas I've been all woohoo, this is alright, I'm now a bit floppy.

1. Haha that post of your made me . His tail firmly between his legs.

Drinks are on iwas tonight. May even squeeze some pork scratchings out of her. Doubles all round, ladies. Sausages are optional.

I'm off to have a bath now I have both hot and cold running water before I start smelling like Jess

Well of course I took the bait... Well and truly fucked now... Had a massive row ( have tried keeping it all in ) but she asked me to get hay for her horse ( despite telling him hundreds of times I'm not paying any more ) so she lost the rag with me and I told her off and that I was sick of her unfair attitude. I played right into the fuckers hands... So off she went 'please take me away from horrible Mum '. So she's away with her homework to where he's staying and don't know when she'll be back. There's only so much abuse I can take from him and then him using her to get what he wants ... Into the house to avoid paying child maintenance.
Thanks everyone and wellwhoknew I was trying to avoid selling her horse as I knew this was his leverage over her but I'm screwed now anyway. ... Going to go boil my head now

JESS is just the best ! ( and I am a cat person) - LOVE seeing these photos!

Ali3333 sorry that seems flippant after your post - was reading through the previous page. I'm another who can't manage these wonderful composed replies!

Ali try not to panic. She is playing one off against the other to get the hay. She will come to her senses. And as has been said before, he may tell you what is going to happen, but actually, unless you just sign, it won't be his choice. He's just another entitled twat who thinks that somehow he will get exactly what he wants. Because he thinks he's worth it. And as we have seen on this and other threads, the mighty Entitled Twats get their just desserts. Which is a totally different scenario.

Fairy, you don't ask to come in this bar, you just arrive and say 'woo-hoo' and we all nod, smile and welcome you with open arms.

Especially if you come with wine.

If that solution works for you, then let it work for you. I know for many of us (but by no means all) the less we see 'them', the better our mental health is. But with some there's no option, with others, like you say, it keeps them responsible...it's all the circumstance of the case, innit! There's no hard and fast rules...but when you check in here, you will always be asked 'but how are YOU about that?' Because in this bar, only you matter.

In my (very) humble opinion, it's not that he can't bear you - he just can't bear himself. He seeks escape from it, but he deems it 'alright for you'. Honestly, I despair with the double standards myself, because that's what they are. Have you given some thought about how you'd like to indulge yourself in the coming weeks?

fairy couldn't you just wring his neck? I could. It's like they revert back to some teenage phase fed from the teen magazines. My guy and me, we've known each other five minutes and now we are getting married. I feel your rage, believe me. And yes, the irony that makes it even worse is that it's done at a point when things should be improving financially. And of course your role is to play the doting mother while he lives out his pathetic fantasies. Oh yes, my ex thinks I'm obliged to stay in "our" house because that's where he wants his sons to be. His attitude when I said I was going to move admittedly in a flippant text was that I seemed to have no right to make a unilateral decision. And yes, my reply was how ironic is that, cocklodger.

It's not about his feelings for you, about him leaving you really. Its all about him. What he wants. What he thinks he is entitled to. You are collateral damage, if that's the right phrase. So, what I'm saying is, don't feel rejected. He's a fuckwit having a crisis, and he's incapable of rational thought. Clearly. Otherwise none of this would be happening. Remember, he is now a fucking idiot. A fucking idiot. A fucking idiot.

The more I read about these men, the more irate I get.