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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsFunnier · 10/04/2015 07:18

I had a very similar list and have been with dh for eight wonderful years now.

There is NOTHING wrong with being 'picky', and the things on your list are a bare minimum standard imo anyway.

Unescorted · 10/04/2015 07:19

Seems a sensible list to me, although I would add own teeth. Grin

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/04/2015 07:20

Sounds reasonable to me.

Let's be honest, it's not your friend that is dating, it's you and it's up to you what you are looking for - why compromise?

Whocansay · 10/04/2015 07:20

I don't think your friend can be very happy. She's clearly prepared to put up with stuff that's not acceptable to you. Her choice. I share your 'high' expectations!

Incidentally. do you know what she thinks is OK on that list?

mommyof23kids · 10/04/2015 07:24

My dh can't cook and hasn't been out of the country. He's an amazing husband so i think some of your list is too picky.

My list was, honorable, kind, smart, i find him funny and must be attracted to him. The rest is negotiable.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:29

The cooking thing is important to me. I'm a big foodie, the whole family is. I've tried going out with men who make spaghetti bolognaise by microwaving mince with a jar of donmio. and it just pisses me off. Then they end up wanting me to cook all the time.

The leaving the county thing is important to me also. I've travelled and lived abroad. its the sense of adventure and culture. again, I've tried men that haven't and it doesn't work.

teeth. yes teeth should be on there too.

OP posts:
ratsintheattic · 10/04/2015 07:29

The only one I don't agree with is that he must have moved around. Probably because I married someone who hasn't! I have moved around a lot and lived in various countries. When I met DH one of the things that impressed me about him was how content he was/is. I now have a more settled life than I ever believed I would have but much better to me than moving house/job/country every two years as I did before I met him.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:32

Doesn't have to have moved around . just left the county..uni counts.

uni in the same town so they didn't have to leave their mum and their mates they have had since they were 3, doesn't count

OP posts:
MrsFring · 10/04/2015 07:40

Totally sensible list OP. How about politics? Similar views on that would be very important to me.

NerdyBird · 10/04/2015 07:41

This type of comment really bugs me. If anyone ever said that to me I would call them on it and ask if they thought I should just date any old bloke that turned up. I also used to ask if they stopped being picky or lowered their standards when they chose their partner and if they said no ask why they thought I didn't deserve to do the same as they did.

Most people have no idea what they're implying when they make these comments and usually if you start to pick it apart they stop.
Your list seems totally reasonable to me, I hope you meet someone who has all the things you're looking for.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:46

politics is probably on there a bit.

There are other things I'd like but that isn't a deal breaker.

I don't know why my friend thinks I'm too picky. probably because I've been on my own for so long and always end up dumping them.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 10/04/2015 07:48

whats with the teeth though... naybe they have a good reason for dentures etc

ClinkLady · 10/04/2015 07:50

sounds reasonable and would over lap partly with my own list.

I have tried relaxing my pickiness, going out with a man anyway for a while.........and the very thing I feel I'm "overlooking" to begin with always ends up being the problem.

I went out with a guy who was a mature student, he'd given up his job and he was in a house share, no car... I was crazy about him to begin with, and overlooked this issue. Sure enough, roll on a few months and he started to both resent the stability I'd built up for myself, hint about moving in (no way), and he had become an expense to me. NOt a huge one, but an expense definitely. I subbed him in various little ways that he was blind to (apparently). I'm glad I ended it even though it was a massive shock to him.

I also dated a man who I felt was too old for me. Ten years older. I gave that a few months and again, had to end it because the issue I'd decided to overlook WAS an issue for me.

So liisten to your own heart and not to your friends.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:55

I'm exactly the same, I've dated lots of people and will over look issues but then those things become the issues.

The not driving one is so hard. But then they end up being driven around by me, never offering petrol money. taking up my time. I'm always the driver so they can drink, all the effort is mine.we cant go to places unless o drive.and I start to resent it.

The not cooking one, I dated someone who couldn't cook, so despite having a house and being able to drive, at the age of 36 he used to go home to his mum's for dinner every night. That falls under not cooking and not functioning as an adult. its ridiculous.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/04/2015 07:55

Sounds totally unreasonable, it is very important to 'date' someone you are totally compatible with - and who has equally 'high' expectations. Grin.

So many people seem to settle for losers unsuitable partners and then complain when they are stuck with a man child. Hmm.

Mclary · 10/04/2015 07:57

How old are you?
Lots of men can learn how to cook.
And there could be lots of reasons why someone stays in their hometown to go to Uni.

Most people start off sharing houses, or other reasons later in life.

I think you are being blinkered and judgmental.

Ragwort · 10/04/2015 07:58

Actually, look at the list and decide if YOU fit into it - I think I do although it depends how you describe 'funny'. Grin.

mrsdavidbowie · 10/04/2015 07:59

Yes they look basic requirements.
I would add familiarity with an iron and no erectile dysfunction.

Ragwort · 10/04/2015 08:02

Another point - I would find it hard to be friends (not even dating) with people who didn't fit into that list - I would expect my women friends to have the same 'qualities'. Being able to drive may be a moot point but often people who don't drive expect lifts everywhere, don't offer to share the petrol etc (not always I know).

Lots of men can learn how to cook - yes, true - but the Op is a self confessed 'foodie' - she likes her food and would probably want to spend her time with someone who also enjoyed their food, went to the same sort of restaurants etc and just had an 'interest' in food - rather than having to 'learn to cook' as an adult.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:02

I'm 36.

If I was 22 some of them wouldn't be on there as they wouldn't matter at that stage of life.

The uni thing, that was just an example of them having left the county. I don't care for what reason, just that they have. It's not the thing in its self but what it represents.

I'm a bit of a free spirit, I like adventure. I've had adventure. someone who hasn't even left their home county hasn't really and isn't likely to understand me and I'm not going to understand them.

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 08:02

How old are you?

tribpot · 10/04/2015 08:04

I would be willing to negotiate on a couple of items on your list, e.g. cooking and house share, but I'm not a foodie so cooking isn't important to me either. I might offer a waiver on the living outside own county thing but only for the right person.

Ultimately there are always compromises to be made based on who's better at a certain thing or who enjoys doing a certain thing more, every task can't be split precisely 50:50 unless you enjoy life with a stopwatch and a clipboard of course :)

However, you are offering all of these characteristics yourself, so not unreasonable to expect others to come up to the mark. Will it take you longer to find a partner if you have standards? Yes. If you're happy with the approach, what the hell does it matter to your friend?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/04/2015 08:07

She's 36. :)

I don't think it's an unreasonable list.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 10/04/2015 08:07

Mostly not too picky. I would probably add not obsessed with football or golf to the list, but would also consider the circumstances over living arrangements.

Eg my brother is a 30 something single man who has his own small flat but spends quite a lot of time with our parents because our dad is disabled and he helps care for him and take him out etc. Sometimes he will stay there for several days at a time.

I would also question your 'has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life', surely that would depend on the circumstances too?

I live in the largest and best county in England and it is incredibly diverse in terms of people, landscapes and cultures and it is perfectly possible to 'live a life' without leaving the county. Surely a willingness to travel and share new experiences would be enough?

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 08:08

Ones pretty big ask: ' not lived in the same country all the time'

Its pretty rare to find someone who has live - live, not holidayed, in a different country.

Would you meet all your own criteria?

What if Mr Perfect has his own set of criteria?
Most not have loads of debt + store cards is one I've heard a lot.

There's one criteria you'll struggle with that I know most men looking to get hitched + settle down + have kids - must be under 35.

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