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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2015 08:35

My list when I was single was:

Be solvent
Make me laugh
Have something to say for yourself
Don't be a minger

Now that's a shorter list than yours but boils down to the same stuff as yours. In fact mine is pickier as you don't mention looks!

You're not being too picky. At all. All of these things are a bare minimum I'd say

MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 08:36

I would say your list is a reasonable one - although I'd knock off "never left the county" if they live in a large city - say someone grew up in Greater London, and still lives there, that would seem ok to me - or grew up in the suburbs of a city they now live in the centre of, or if the county in quesiton was one like "Yorkshire" and they grew up in one part then lived in another one etc... But I completely agree with the difference in mentality of people who've lived in the same small area for their whole life.

I also think your list is really appropriate for finding a decent person in their mid-to-late 30s. It's kind of understandable that a 22 year old would be in a flat share or moved back in with their parents after uni, or that a 22 year old who'd only just taken over cooking for themselves/only just been able to afford decent quality ingredients/to go to restaurants might not be a good cook yet, by 36, if you were going to care about cooking and food, you would have learned by now.

Jackiebrambles · 10/04/2015 08:36

I so agree with gaming/x box too. I can't get to grips with men who do that. But then its just a hobby like anything else and lots of women enjoy it too. My DH likes football and golf!

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:36

i dont live anywhere near london, so its not something i need to even consider.

and if they had never left london then i wouldnt be meeting them as they had never left their county :)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2015 08:36

It's fine to be picky if you don't mind the possibility of never meeting anyone who matches up to your list of requirements!

I also had a tick box things, as a Christian I wanted a Christian husband and he had to want kids and I had to find him attractive, etc etc. But I think that was about it. Obviously he had to not be in prison or living aboad or the other end of the country etc, e.g. accessible! BUT had I met someone the other end of the country, who I fell madly in love with, I think that rule would have gone by the by! I think you too will find one or other unimportant rule will go by the wayside if you meet someone you really connect with.

For me connection does not necessarily happen instantly, it took me about three months to fall in love with my dh and that was a while ago. We have been married almost 14 years and I can genuinely say I love him more now than when we married and I continue to be surprised by how great he his! But at some point I had to move away from the tick boxes and relate to hm as a man.

I also think where you are looking is essential. If you are looking in pubs and bars, night clubs etc you are probably more likely to meet someone who likes a drink and you need to think about where you are meeting people.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:39

Im not meeting people in pubs and clubs. i dont really go to those things, because im 36. not 22

i cant meet someone at the other end of the country. Im a lone parent, i have limited free time, i cant be travelling for hours, i just dont have the time.

OP posts:
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 10/04/2015 08:40

On my list would be:
Must like a variety of vegetables - not just peas and carrots
Must order at least a slightly varied selection of we go to a takeaway - not just chicken tikka masala from the Indian and sweet and sour chicken from the Chinese EVERY BLOODY TIME!

(Can you tell these are things that have bugged me in the past?!)

OP your list is about right - I would stick to it if I were you.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 10/04/2015 08:41

I will NOT be telling my DH about that guy who works part time so he can do his gaming! Grin

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2015 08:43

To look at your rules I think they all sound reasonable, although I am not sure what crsp means in ...

not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper

I just think are you giving them time for you to see their fun side and the good things about them?

Can I ask how old are you?

I met my hubby at 33 and it was much harder to find someone the older I got. I have known a lot of older women looking for love later in life and they have found it is hard locating the eligible men. So if you have had a lot of dates that is good. I joined a dating agency and met a lot of guys, which was helpful, because I was not meeting anyone single my age (as a Christian) without help!

Please do tell us when you meet Mr Right.

Hope it goes well.

Good luck. Thanks

HazleNutt · 10/04/2015 08:44

I would exchange can cook with is interested in food and willing to learn - DH could do basic stuff when we met, so was functioning, (and he was 30), but after some encouragement and Jamie Oliver books, he now cooks more than me.

I do agree though that there must be some interest. I once tried to go out with a guy who genuinely didn't care about food and was happy to eat pot noodles every day. There was no point in cooking for him and he saw eating out as a total waste of money. Didn't last long.

otherwise I don't see anything too picky on your list, quite basic requirements. So which ones does your friend disagree with?

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:46

crsp means crap - its a typo.

and im 36, 37 this year.

im dating these guys for 2- 3 months, so plenty of time, and time for the things ive overlooked to become problems. and then i have to dump them.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 08:47

Also don't think the comparassion to the "dream house" list is a valid one. Firstly, because you need to live somewhere, so if you cna't find your dream house, you have to settle for one that's almost meet all the criteria, but you don't need to have a relationship if the one on offer isn't right for you - with a house, being in one that's almost perfect is usually better than being homeless, but rarely is being in a crap relationship better than being single. (whatever romcoms tell us)

Also, taking the house buying comparassion further, if you find a house that's almost perfect - say, 3 beds not 4, you could compromise thinking in 5 years time you can afford to convert the loft/build over the garage, or move on to something that is perfect once you've got a bit more saved/more equity.

When it comes to applying that mentality to dating, at 22, yes, you can think you might be either able to 'change' your "not quite perfect" partner (if it's not fundimental things, you could encourage them to move away with you, or learn to cook, or expect them to grow up and stop taking drugs etc) and also at 22 you have time to say "this is just fun for 4-5 years then I'll met the right person if they don't change". At 36, you haven't got 5 years to waste, and quite frankly, if they were going to grow up, they'd have done it a long time before.

BrianButterfield · 10/04/2015 08:48

Why are people getting annoyed that their DH's don't meet the criteria? OP isn't going to date them anyway! I think it sounds sensible and it seems like OP is intelligent enough to realise that some of them could be waived given certain circumstances, so everyone finding reasons why it's not a good list is being picky for the sake of it.

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2015 08:50

Ah OP cross-posted and see your age.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe the thing with the food is people can change! My dh was a very boring eater when he met me, I introduced him to Thai food! Now he loves it. I helped to open his eyes to new foods. And I am that boring person who always had Chicken Korma at the Indian and Duck Red Thai Curry at the Thai place, it doesn't make you a bad person! I'd love to eat Lao sticky rice with mint and herbs and spicy papaya salad but they don't sell it here!

Sickoffrozen · 10/04/2015 08:53

I would add good in bed to the list!

Other than that it's fine.

frozenegg · 10/04/2015 08:56

I think it's good to be picky. I didn't have a list as such when I was dating, but I tried and tested plenty of candidates and although I met some perfectly decent men, I never took it much further as it never felt quite right. It meant that I didn't settle down as quickly as my peers, and some friends were baffled at why I broke up with some of the nicer guys. But I did eventually find my current DH, who ticked all the boxes for me (although he doesn't actually tick all the OP's boxes). But he met all the criteria that was important to me, and that's what matters.

One reason I was happy to move on and keep looking was because I've never felt defined by a relationship and I would have been just as happy to stay single if the right guy didn't appear. A lot of women settle because they can't tolerate being on their own or are so desperate to have children, and I see many of them unhappy because they compromised just a bit too much in their quest for a man - I'm really glad I didn't do that.

FlabbyMummy · 10/04/2015 08:58

Depending where you live I think the house share one might be a tad harsh. In london for example I would be fine with that. Other than that your list is fine.

How do you measure up to your own list?

MisguidedAngel · 10/04/2015 08:58

Not at all picky. I was married for 27 years, single for a year, very exciting relationship with a younger man for five years. When that broke up, I was picky too, until a so-called friend said "Can you afford to be so fussy?" (I was nearly 50). That comment led me to have a few dates with someone who'd been chasing me - disaster, and the worst sex I've ever had. And in retrospect I think he was probably married. Yes, I could afford to be so fussy, and so can you.

pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 08:58

I don't think your list is that picky. It's not like you're saying "Must earn over 50k/year" or "has to have a car that's less than 3 years old". You obviously know what you want, so go for it.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:59

marywest- yep, i think you have got it, when you are 22 these things dont really matter so much, you have time and you are both young and finding out who you are as a person, skip forward 15 years and people are quite set in their ways.

Im not dissing anyone who doesnt meet things on the list, but the list is right for me. That video clip that was posted i just watched it, and its about being more picky, its about finding the right person for me, so the things that matter to me are important.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 08:59

And I totally understand the cooking thing. I find one of the best things about dating people from different cultures/countries is getting to know different cooking styles and dishes.

MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 08:59

I remember a thread a year or so ago when someone was told she was very shallow because she's cancelled a date with a man who didn't know where Berlin was. (As in, he didn't know it was in Germany, not that he couldn't exactly pin point it on a blank map of Europe.) Lots of people told her she was being too picky, got really offended that someone wouldn't date because of that.

I mentioned it to DH whos first reaction was "but how would I watch Only Connect with someone like that? I could see how you could over look that for a one night stand, but I couldn't live with someone like that, it'd be rubbish."

The fact is, by the time you are in your mid-to-late 30s, you know what you want from a relationship, and someone who you can share your life with easily is important, someone who is completely different from you wouldn't work, and you don't have as much time to 'waste' on relationships you realise from day one probably won't work.

googoodolly · 10/04/2015 09:01

My DP fits all those categories except for the driving one, and when we met he was living in a flatshare because all his earnings went to his DC. House rents are extortionate around here unless you get a council property. He still can't drive due to medical reasons but we now live in that flat on our own as a couple.

What if they live in a flatshare because all their money goes to their children or to help look after disabled parents or something? Is that really a reason not to be with someone?

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2015 09:02

BrianButterfield you said Why are people getting annoyed that their DH's don't meet the criteria? OP isn't going to date them anyway!

Didn't see that comment, do people feel put out their dh doesn't match up? I am guessing that wasn't important to them so them somehow feel resentful it is important to the OP, Which is utterly silly of them!

But people do feel challenged by our own choices because it 'reflects' on their choices, IMHO. For example my dd has special educational needs so we are not necessarily going to send her to the local school as we are not sure it is the best place for her. When I chatted to my friend, whose oldest went through the school and whose second child at that school she was big sort of challenged by my thoughts for my dd, and I felt it was because she felt it reflected on her choices for her kids. But her kids don't have the same needs as mine! So with the OP she is looking for a partner in her 30s and as lots of people have observed your thoughts are different in your 30s to your 20s.

I'd also say I was very keen to have kids and so if the OP is already a mum that may mean a) the decision is more impact as it will impact on another person/other people and b) possibly the desire to have a family/add to the family is not such a major factor.

Correct me if wrong brentonstripeandredlipstick!

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:02

How do i measure up to my own list?

eh?

its not a list of random shit pulled out of the air for no reason other than i think thats what i think i want.

its a list because i offer those things and ive tried dating lots of different people, but fundamentally, it wont work because we are different people.

Ive lived abroad and in different counties, and this is why people that have barely left the street where they grew up, bug me. We are different sorts of people, we dont get on.

OP posts: