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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Mclary · 10/04/2015 08:10

Ok
I thought you were maybe early 20's.
But I still think you are being a bit blinkered.
Where's the fun? Relax.
You could meet the love of your life and cross him off because he can't cook.
The first meal my dh cooked me was so bland, and he shared a flat, at 38.
In the next ten years we travelled all over the world and ate at fantastic restaurants. And he cooked, he loved it.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 10/04/2015 08:11

How long does he need to have left the county for? Just once, at least one holiday, a permanent residence outside his own county now, several backpacking expeditions around Thailand?

Ragwort · 10/04/2015 08:13

The Op says 'not lived in the same county' - not country.

I now live in a small town and am amazed by the number of people who don't move away from their home town - even if they come back at some point.

Equally many people seem amazed that I have moved around the country and lived abroad. Grin.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:13

The food thing, the last guy i dated, the one who went home to his mums every night for dinner and mircowaved the mince.. He thought frankies and bennys was a really nice meal out. Now there is nothing wrong with that, i like that too sometimes, but he wouldnt go to nicer places unless they served well done steak and chips. he wouldnt eat any sauce or even any veg or even coleslaw. It meant that i couldnt go to any nice places, more so, he wasnt interested in some of the things i was, so i had to not just compromise, but give up a lot of who i am as a person.

something like someone caring for someone is a totally different matter, and would be considered,

not having an ED and no social anxiety should be on there also.

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 10/04/2015 08:16

I agree, although when I met my DH he was a mature student ( having left other careers) so didn't have a job. He is now a doctor and a brilliant husband and daddy so sometimes if you meet the right one there can be compromise. When I met him he was also very skint (being a student) but now he has a job he is so generous both with time and money so he was definitely with the wait!

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:19

here - who says im looking to get hitched?
im not. and i dont want more children either, thank you very much :)

and i said county, not country. a package holiday to ibiza with the lads doesnt count. If he had done some travelling, yeah, that woud be fine. again, its not the fact of it as such, but what it signifies about their personality, if i ignore these things it ends up not working because we are fundamentally very different people.

the fun? ive had lots of fun, thats how ive ended up with that list, because ive had fun and learnt what im looking for and need for something to work longer than 2 months its because for me, these things have become issues.
and i would dearly love to date someone for longer than 2 months, its getting tiresome.

OP posts:
YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/04/2015 08:19

Gosh well I didn't have a list and my DH manages to fit all your criteria (although would love an x box i suspect!) so I don't think it's picky at all.
And even if it is, so what? Why settle for someone you're not going to be happy with?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/04/2015 08:20

He's also lived in 3 different countries!

ratsintheattic · 10/04/2015 08:21

Well my DH didn't even go to universityShock. Another point on which we're incompatible I expect. I'm not a fan of lists but do think you have every right to decide who is compatible with you. Lists of qualities make people less open to possibility, IMO.

Thistledew · 10/04/2015 08:22

If that is genuinely all on your list of requirements then I don't think you are being too picky, but a friend of mine would say that she has a similar list, whereas in fact her criteria for selecting a potential date extends far beyond such a list.

An honest list from her would in fact read something like this:

Has to be educated and intelligent, but can't stand that "public school Rah attitude" (her words).
Must have a good job, ideally professional, but also be a bit 'rough around the edges'.
Must be gregarious and have a large circle of friends, but must also want to spend lots of time taking her out on dates.
Must not be clingy, but must also spoil her and bring her flowers etc.
Must love being outdoors and outdoor activities, but must also live in roughly the same area of London as she does.

She wonders why she is still single I'm her 40s. Confused

karatekimmi · 10/04/2015 08:22

I thinks it's like buying a house, write your list, but don't discount on one or two missing "features". You might be surprised who you end up with!!

How would you feel if you were rejected out of hand for having a passport? I can see the sentiment about it, but it is quite judgemental to say someone who hasn't left the country hasn't lived a life!!

Orangeisthenewbanana · 10/04/2015 08:22

I agree with some previous posters that a couple of things on your list are maybe a bit picky. If the chap was willing to learn to improve their cooking or willing to give travelling a go, they could both be nice ways to share your strong interests and develop as a couple? So I think to discount people just on those factors is a bit harsh. If they're not interested in doing either however, then I can understand your reluctance. Driving also wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

All the rest of your points are more than reasonable though, and definitely on my list (though it seems I may have compromised a bit on the XBox thing! Confused)

colafrosties · 10/04/2015 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:25

I didnt go to uni :)

having been to uni isnt on the list.

The last guy had a degree he apologised to me several times as he said he didnt feel as educated as me. He wasnt. A degree isnt a measure of intelligence.

I dont mind an x box or whatever, i do mind if its the only thing they do and are interested in, ie a boyfriend in the last year only worked part time to facilliate his game playing, he wouldnt leave the house for days, just playing. He was 37. That is not something i want and i cant see how many people would.

i didnt have a list, the list has just grown from so much ' having fun' and ive learnt what is and isnt important to me.

OP posts:
tilbatilba · 10/04/2015 08:26

Im with you - though teeth non negotiable.

BeaufortBelle · 10/04/2015 08:29

My DH can't drive or cook and isn't particularly funny. Good job the other stuff was pretty OK because it was love at first sight and I'd have sworn that was nonsense until it happened. After 25 years it's all been OK.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:29

COUNTY NOT COUNTRY

its just because i a worlds apart from someone who hasnt ever left their home town, is still mates with their friends from playschool and has just moved round the corner from their parents and works 10 mins from home.

Im not that person, i never have been. I dont understand them and they dont understand me and then it all goes wrong.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 10/04/2015 08:30

A bit picky, yes. Well you did ask.

If someone had lived in London all their life would you feel the same?

Jackiebrambles · 10/04/2015 08:31

At your stage of life I don't think this is too picky at all.

I didn't have a formal 'list' as such, but certainly shared views with you and my DH (who I met online at 34) fulfils all the criteria. And he isn't unusual at all. But then I live in London so there is more people and its more of a melting pot.

IrenetheQuaint · 10/04/2015 08:32

Your list sounds enormously sensible and reasonable to me! Nothing wrong with being picky - and actually your list doesn't demonstrate pickiness, that would be more like 'must be a successful professional who likes indie music and has an expensive car'.

ohhhhpieceofcandy · 10/04/2015 08:32

Watch this OP. You might not be picky enough! Smile

www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?language=en

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 08:32

ive dated tons of guys missing bits on this list, tons. far too many, im bloody sick of it.

its because of them that the list has come about.3 years ago there was no list. Things get added to it because i keep dating and keep finding more things that become problems.

not driving and not cooking might be fine in someone in their 20's but to me, its just not for someone in their mid to late 30's. thats nearly 40 fgs.

OP posts:
OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 10/04/2015 08:33

If they lived in London, they are quite likely to not drive, or maybe drive but not own a car, I'm not sure what the OPs exact criteria are but that would be two reasons to strike him off the list.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/04/2015 08:33

The driving and cooking things would be on my list too OP.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/04/2015 08:35

Primal I actually think people who have lived in London all their life are actually worse, as all the lifelong Londoners I have met have no concept that anywhere else exists/is worthy of mentioning which drives me insane!