Is this ' too picky'

[brentonstripeandredlipstick]

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

I strongly suspect that many of the people saying "ooo you shouldn't judge people on such shallow criteria - I mean my DP is lovely and he doesn't drive" or whatever. have never done online dating where you are forced to sort the wheat from the chaff on the information you are given which is very very black and white.

OLD is a numbers game...sounds callous but when you are out there, you quickly realise that it's a bit of a cattle market and you have to make decisions based on all sorts of criteria that one wouldn't normally use in real life

True dat chandler.

What's frightening is how many women try and shame other women into settling for someone she isn't attracted to.

Op, I would add two essentials to your list:

Be able to live within his means (no matter what his income is)
Be respectful

I think you need to be careful with the idea of someone being 'interesting' and well travelled. Some very intelligent people have never had the chance to live outside the area where they grew up but will still be open minded to new experiences.

My advice is to keep an positive outlook rather than have a tick list. It's far more important that the person you date is kind and considerate rather than whether he reads the 'right' newspaper!

Good luck with your search.

Magners - lots of woman have bought into the idea that being in a relationship is a good thing in itself, not in a relationship with a certain person who suits you. I hear it over and over, being in a relationsihp is preferable to being alone. There was a thread a while ago when someone was talking about her teenage DD being "proud" to have a boyfriend - not this particular boy, it was considered to be higher status to have anyone than be alone. No one pulled her up on that (the main issue being that the DSD of the OP had "stolen" the boyfriend then dumped him as she didn't want him anyway).

Woman who've bought this idea, that they need to have a man, do tend to be the most resistant to the idea that other woman would prefer to be single than be with someone that's not going to improve their life.

my DH was 34... and I did not change him - he changed... I did not require him to do so. I'm sure I changed too.

Is where you live pretty small and rural then? Have the men with the gumption in the age range you'd consider moved away or already in relationships?!

I know a few v nice men in houseshares, eg after relationships have ended or due to high housing costs. I know lots who can't cook but wouldn't expect to be cooked for. Ditto driving.

So true Magners. It's like the OP shouldn't get ideas above her station and should just be glad any man would want to be in a relationship with her

It's far more important that the person you date is kind and considerate rather than whether he reads the 'right' newspaper!

No. It's far more important to know what matters to you and what doesn't.

I wouldn't choose to spend time with anyone who isn't kind, considerate, and can at least understand my politics. I sure as hell wouldn't choose to live with them.

DinosaursRoar Woman who've bought this idea, that they need to have a man, do tend to be the most resistant to the idea that other woman would prefer to be single than be with someone that's not going to improve their life.

True. But we don't really live in a world like that any more (if we ever did), its incredibly old fashioned. I do sometimes find myself looking at some friends' partners and just knowing they've settled, and thinking I couldn't bear to be with someone with such a pronounced overbite, or bad acne, or covered in tattoos, or peripatetically employed and living off me. etc..W

It's far more important that the person you date is kind and considerate rather than whether he reads the 'right' newspaper!

No, really its not. Women shouldn't have to be feel grateful for a man being kind to them. The old man up the road in his sixties, who has never married, is probably quite kind, but that doesn't put him on most women's lists!

Bitoutofpractice I don't think its an online dating thing necessarily. When I was single, I had a whole list of things I would never look at in a man, and I never did online dating. There were just men out there who never in a million years would be your type.

I do think though that there are so many awful men on online dating that you wouldn't normally come into contact with, that it can shock women into making lists like these. Because its only common sense to rule out about 95% of them.

Have to say l married someone who ticked all your boxes but that doesn't mean we have lived happily ever after as life experiences have ravaged us on the way. We have survived but what lm trying to say is we didn't go unscathed. Have friends and sisters who married guys who lived with mothers until marriage.. Never read a paper yet not to talk of a book...love sport on TV yet are very happy and contented. I wouldn't have considered any of those guys for one moment. Hard to predict what will make you happy as l think as you get older you need different things. But it's good not to be just drifting aimlessly into relationships

'Of the few male gamers that are also hard working and high achieving in the few hours they have left between work and gaming, let me make it clear that I would not want one in my life'

And that's fine. As I've said several times, everyone has different preferences and you should date someone who meets yours. What is not right is judging someone as lazy because how they spend their time doesn't match how you spend your time. It's different, but it's equal.

That has been my point throughout and will continue to be. I don't whether you can't understand or don't want to, but the point remains the same.

''Again, just common sense if you want a hard working person like yourself, they won't have much time for that''

Judgemental. Inaccurate. Nothing to do with personal preference.

Hello Chandler. What I meant was that when you are OLD you liteerally get a written list of people's "qualities" - in a way that you don't if you meet them in a pub, or even through friends. So you are in a better position to pick and choose at a much earlier stage than you would normally ie never even have a drink with them

But you are right - you have to learn how to filter out the shit quickly, one way or another, whether that's online or "in RL"

'It's staggering how many posters are reading Brenton's list as some kind of judgement on all of mankind! It's her attempt at summarising the deal-breakers for her, personally.'

I was totally in agreement with that, until the OP said 'it basically boils down to looking for an actual grown up man'. That's not about her preferences is it? It's a negative judgement on all men that don't fit her criteria. I think that's probably why other posters are feeling defensive because they don't want their lovely, mature DH who doesn't drive being judged as not 'an actual grown up man'. There are all different types of grown up. You can be grown up and not the OP's type.

The OP should absolutely go for what she wants. I'm not an advocate of settling. She should do so without casting negative judgement on everyone who doesn't share her hobbies though.

I guess how picky you should be depends in general terms what you bring to the table. Should you be insisting anything you can't broadly offer yourself? Probably not. That's generally speaking, not directly vis a vis the OP.

If you don't really have many interests, it's a little odd to be specifically seeking a partner who lives a very busy, action packed life.

If you own your own home, you may well want to meet someone who does too.

If you earn a higher tax bracket income, you may prefer someone whose earnings are at a similar level.

But if your living situation is less favourable, your earnings lower than that you've decided you want from a man, that feels rather inequitable and materialistic.

I own my own home and find that unless a man also owns his own home he tends to feel inadequate against my set up. The ones who rent are also in my experience the types who wish to ride free off my accommodation package and benefit from the lifestyle.

Two previous live in partners were like this before I had my ds. I have been raising ds for 10 years without a proper relationship as half of me was put off and was also not ready and the other half of me found that the single men out there had support needs too high for me. I have been largely working on having men as friends (platonic) as that is what has been suggested we should do by other single women. I have two men friends one is a platonic neighbour and friend and the other is a gay man at the Buddhist meetings.

I have been seeing a friend recently to date and he has been quite communicative but his habit is to avoid contact after the third date. He just does a vanishing act and won't get back to you by mobile. This happened 4 years ago when we had two phases of going out. This has happened again this year and I won't be trying to go out with him again in future as he does not keep you in the loop he just disappears inside his own head. He does not break even on his earnings as he is on such a pittance and he is renting a room in a house and he is aged 61. Somebody like him really needs someone who is also in a jam with their life so they can mutually advance together.

I can break even on my earnings although I am not rich I can get by. I still go without foreign holidays but I have a few female friends I keep in touch with (single parents) and enjoy Buddhist chanting, meetings, doing yoga every morning before breakfast and playing piano at home 4 times a week. So my life isn't totally abysmal as I get some quality of life. It could be way better but like I say I can manage it.

There are other aspects to life beyond achieving a boyfriend and I just concentrate on those as they are much simpler to cope with at this stage in my life. Most established men are spoken for and I don't sleep around with other women's partners and husbands that isn't the done thing.

Apologies for such a long message!

Good for you! Why should you be with someone who is not going to enrich your life? Especially as you have a child to care for.

It always makes me laugh when people say 'she wouldn't be with him if he worked in McDonalds ' about a woman (often wealthy actresses or models with not attractive but equally wealthy partners). Why should a woman have to be someone's meal ticket if they have a job and their own place and are self supporting?

but you don't know in advance who will enrich your life - thankfully.

DH lived with his mum, was a real geek who played computer games, did not own a house etc, but was waiting for the right person for him - ME obviously with savings in the bank

I owned a house, but did not even think about that when we got together after a chance meeting.

I also owned a house when I met my DH and he was renting. He moved into my house, but always paid his way and refused to let me pay more than half the bills etc even though I earned more, and it was my house. You can tell if someone is going to be a drain on your life and patience fairly early on. Love doesn't always find a way, and we have to teach our children that the romantic dream is not enough. You need not to be taken advantage of or taken for granted.

My friend whom I met through Buddhist meetings and was recently dating also said once he gets his inheritance (which will be within a year and c £200k) he will continue renting as he likes his freedom. This is just ridiculous as he should be buying a properly so he has something to leave his children.

He is very poor in effort and communication alongside this and on a number of occasions I have felt he is very much on the scrounge. We have properly slept together only twice in all the 5 years I have known him and I can honestly say it was the worst sex that I have ever had. It felt like self-service sex, jump on and jump off, he did not wish to please me in bed or learn what I liked. Nobody else would do it that way! Hope this isn't too graphic for you all ....

You'll have to go a lot further to be too graphic for Mumsnet