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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:45

Lived, they seem fair enough to me, and would probably come under one of my headers too. ' functioning as an adult'

i dont get it, i see friends husbands who are fine and are all of these things, probably more, but people seem to think i should go out with someone who lives with his mum and will only eat frozen meat pies then go play xbox.

fuck that.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:46

so here.... i dont think i sound anything like your sister, do i?

OP posts:
RudyMentary · 10/04/2015 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 09:48

Fine on the 'can't 3 mile travel' You do no need a list for that, just commonsense.

If your town is anything like my town, the line 'Im dumping them' would have me worried. The smaller the town, the more selective you have to be about dates i.e. not work your way through all the local single (and not single, in some cases) men.

SleeplessinUlanBator · 10/04/2015 09:51

Nothing wrong with having a list of core attributes that you find desirable in a date, but I think it also depends how your list presented, be it online or in person, if you are not careful there is the danger that you might come across as being a bit up your own arse to put it bluntly, nobody likes to be measured against a tick list even when they do meet all the requirements on said list.

I remember during my dating days being asked several times if I had my own place, car and on a few occasions what my actual salary was, I usually answered that I did have my own place, and a car but held back on what car I drove and what I earned. I had no idea what salary would have gained me 'a pass' in the eyes of these women but it irritated me greatly that I could see them mentally going through their lists of 'must haves' in such a blunt fashion.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:54

Im dumping ' them' because i have dumped more than one.
and thank you , but im not working my way through the whole town.

and yes, you do need the 3 mile travel thing as a rule, its a personality thing, that is covered on the list. If you havent done much dating you will have no idea how many crap people are out there.

do you mean to be so rude?
and are you going to say sorry for comparing me to your sister who sounds the total opposite of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:56

I wouldnt put my ' list' on any dating profile, im not that crass. Nor am i crass enought to outright ask questions about cars and living arrangements, id steer the conversation that way so it came out naturally. I also dont really give a shit on what they earn, so long as they have a job.

OP posts:
hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 09:56

How did you manage to won your own (that's own, not mortgaged) home, live abroad for 5 years, have a hot career, then 3 kids? Genuine question.

And why did you move back to a small town?

I tend to think a career is something you do for your entire working life not something you stop doing.

My sister did live abroad. She just never worked abroad. He stay was for ~5 5years was nothing more than holiday.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 09:58

I'm not being rude. I'm being direct.

You asked a question, I'm shaking out info.
There's no point asking a question and expecting everyone to just agree with you and never get an answer or any progress.

championnibbler · 10/04/2015 09:59

Next time your 'friend' tells you you're too picky, tell her she clearly never has been.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:03

I havent got 3 kids? where did i say i have 3 kids?

I rent. i didnt say i owned and i dont care if anyone rents. just that they dont houseshare or live at home

I had a career, i had my career until my child was born at 27. I worked from 18 till then, so 10 years of solid working and career building. , my abusive ( thats domestice abuse) ex husband walked out one me when DD was born. I became homeless as the house was tied to his job. I was living abroad at the time, i knew none in the UK and ended up where i am now as a family member was there.

i could not hold down my career and be a decent parent on my own, its too pressured for me to cope with, so ive taken several jumps down the ladder and do something that fits in around my child. She is more important right now. When she is older and i can dedicate myself to work again, i will do so.

i think you are being very very rude and making massive assumptions which are just not correct or based on anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:03

tons of typos in that, typing in anger at your rudeness.

direct,no, rude

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 10:05

i dont get it, i see friends husbands who are fine and are all of these things, probably more, but people seem to think i should go out with someone who lives with his mum and will only eat frozen meat pies then go play xbox

Some women on here have very low expectations.

Your list is of basic non-negotiables.

Don't be put off.

VirginiaTonic · 10/04/2015 10:06

Yes, you need to be picky! However, there are bigger things to be picky about. You might pass your ideal partner over, just because he shares a house (right now) with a friend? That would be a shame. Some of your list is just transient stuff.

LividofLondinium · 10/04/2015 10:06

Great link ohhhhpieceofcandy Grin

MerryMarigold · 10/04/2015 10:10

^has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper^

I think the travel bit is a nice addition, but not essential. Unless you are planning/ hoping on moving abroad and worried how he'd cope. As long as he's up for travelling on holidays in the future, I don't think it matters if he hasn't already, for whatever reasons. Maybe he wasn't around people who inspired him to. Or maybe he is from another culture, but lived in this country all his life and not left.

Fan of reality TV. Well my dh is a bit. I hate it! I don't know why. He has a great job and would tick all the rest of your boxes, it's just a wind down thing for him.

The rest of them are fine, especially the Sun newspaper!

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:11

the link it great and actually it really validates what im thinking. Ive probably not been picky enough, which is why i have been on so many dates and given so many chances when i knew from the start it wasnt right.

if someone just happened to live in a houseshare right now but was great in all the other areas course i would meet him and then go from there. its not a ' he has to tick all the boxes' but its a guide and is kind of what im looking for.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:14

the houseshare thing again, is more of a guide of being at the same life stage as me.

ive got a house, i have to do housework, food shopping do the garden, etc etc.
Ive tried dating younger men, and they can be fun, but then unless they are at the same life stage it just doesnt work. I am not compatiable with someone who never cleans his bathroom ( i dated one of these) has tons of mates back from the pub all the time ( ive dated one of these) and basically lives like a student ( also dated one of these)

For things to work longer term, we need to be at the same ish point in our lives. so, its just matcging that up really.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 10:17

Actually, the houseshare thing is one thing on your list I may take slight exception to.

I know plenty of people who live in shared households (and I have a lodger myself) and they're not man-children or woman-children. They're responsible, well-adjusted, and generally very socially adept and consider strong friendships very important. Which is attractive, in my book.

BUT if what you mean is more like a bunch of lads still living the 'bachelor pad' lifestyle in squalor and piles of pizza boxes, when in their 30s and 40s, then I don't disagree!

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:17

again, the reality tv thing, bit tongue in cheek, but bit of truth to it. The last guy declared me a weirdo as i was watching a bit of louis theroux. I will pick a documentary over x factor. He asked why i wasnt ' a normal woman and liked soaps'
i just dont. he liked x factor and reading the sun, for the boobs and the football. I was an avid supporter of the no more page 3 thing.

its just miles apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:19

only - its the latter that i mean.

and there are bloody tons of them.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 10:20

Yes, I agree, there are. I try to avoid them but do know some DP's best friend

DP and I watch reality telly together but only Strictly and the Bake Off/Sewing Bee. Someone who told me I was weird for watching a documentary would get very short shrift.

CtrlAltDelicious · 10/04/2015 10:22

I like your list. I would also add "not stingy." I don't mean he has to be rolling in money but it would be awful to be with someone who was forever "ooh don't forget you owe me £11 from the cinema the other day.."

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 10:22

I think you're right OP that you need to be more picky rather than less.

I wouldn't bother even showing up for someone who read the Sun tbh.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 10/04/2015 10:22

I don't think that's over picky at all. And if you are doing OLD I don't see why you shouldn't mention these things (though maybe in not such a direct manner). There are plenty of men out there who are into food, like travelling a bit, not be into crap TV etc, and will find you more attractive as a result.

I know people who are too picky and it's not so much that they have a set of requirements, but that they assume there will be The One, and when the bolt of lightning doesn't happen will think that there isn't a chance for a relationship. I blame romcoms.

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