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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
lastlines · 10/04/2015 09:04

You're not being too picky at all. That's a good list. But I would be open minded not rigid about the list. This is the ideal, but if you met a man who was living with his folks due to financial pressures because he was saving for a house, or retraining for his career, you wouldn't rule him out would you?

I had a friend who was very overweight and always in debt who had a list as long as your arm (he had to be rich, slim with a great body etc) She wondered why she never met anyone, but she was not demonstrating the kind of active self discipline herself that she expected from a man. She was very open about being turned off by plump men but hurt and outraged if they felt the same about her. That's being too picky. You are looking for qualities you too aim for, and that sounds like a good move.

Notatallsleepy · 10/04/2015 09:07

It's precise, not picky. Why should you settle for anything less than what you want?

I agree with the county thing - I grew up in a small seaside town and most people I know never left. I did and many of my friends and family now think I'm too far away to visit (2 hours by car). I hate that small town mentality and the lack of adventure, willingness to travel and aspiration that it represents.

My DH, although admittedly went to Uni very close to home, does have a sense of adventure. We travel all over to visit friends etc.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/04/2015 09:08

Why does the OP need to measure up to her own list? These are things that are important to her in a man, they're not necessarily going to be the same things that are important to that same man in a woman. For example I agree about the cooking thing. My DH can cook. He couldn't give a shit whether I can cook or not as he enjoys doing it and that's not important to him as a quality in a woman. Being compatible doesn't mean having exactly the same qualities as your partner.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:09

If someone was living with their parents , finding their feet, pah no, i probably wouldnt be interested , unless it was only short term.

there are a lot of people that say that, but then it turns out they have been there 5 years, their mum does all their washing, cooking, shopping and then it puts me right off, they arent functioing as an adult.

I do not want to go out with a 40 year old who lives with his mum and my guessing would be that not many people do either.

OP posts:
lastlines · 10/04/2015 09:12

It's interesting how many people wouldn't mind if a man wasn't well-travelled. That is such a big element for me. Where's the curiosity? Where's the drive?

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:13

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share. - i have a 3 bed house.

drive - yes.

have a job - i also have always worked.

be a functioning adult - i am! and im a lone parent, and have pets. i can cope with responsibility

not spend all his time and money in the pub - no, i go to the pub a handful of times a year.

no drugs - never

be able to cook - big foodie, like to grow veg and eat out too

has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life - lived abroad and all over the uk

not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper - no soaps or reality tv, reads the guardian. hates page 3.

be kind
be funny
be interesting

  • yes to all of these, obviously :)

not to spend all his time on xbox etc- dont have one, dont see the point.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 09:14

Yep OP - if someone's older than 40 and living with his parents, it's only acceptable if his parents have moved in with him in a caring way. If he's just never left home, or has only not lived with his mum when he's lived with another woman who cooked and cleaned for him, he'll not be an equal partner. I know lots of woman don't seem to really mind that they do the bulk of the housework and laundry, friends do seem shocked that DH irons his own shirts, but I would mind being in a relationship with a man like that.

If soemone's got to 40 without having to iron his own shirts for work every day, the chances are he's not going to do it with good grace if you move in together, if you aren't prepared to take on someone who needs/wants to be "looked after" then avoiding men who aren't living independently is a good plan.

lastlines · 10/04/2015 09:15

Brenton I agree - I meant if it were short term. A forty year old mummy's boy isn't appealing at all.

Weird what the deal breakers are, isn't it? I could have no respect for a man who doesn't eat vegetables. That sounds so pointless, but men who are fussy about food make me cringe. It's mummy's boy territory again.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:16

it is the curiosity,the drive, the sense of adventure.

If it wasnt for DD and school, i would be off. And i will again, when life allows.

there is no point me being with someone who has never shown an interest in that, and never wants to. at 40, if they were going to, they would have done.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 10/04/2015 09:16

(sorry, realised first line of last post doesn't make sense, as in, if a 40+ man's parents have had to move in with him because the parents need care, that's rather different than because the man-child needs someone else to cook and clean for him - I wouldn't dismiss someone who has caring responsibilities).

Casimir · 10/04/2015 09:17

Seriously, millions of Men surpass this list. They are all taken.
What do you have to offer that a Man would want?

lastlines · 10/04/2015 09:18

Brenton - I like the sound of your man. Are you mixing in the right circles to meet him?

OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 09:18

YANBU and Grin at the idea that this is picky. I think your list is a list of 'characteristics of a basic functioning person'.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:18

it is. the last one would only eat carrots if they were cut up small. no other veg. none.

i just dont understand it. it makes me what to tell them to fucking grow up.

it comes under ' not functioning as an adult' i think.

im thirty bloody six, i want a relationship with an adult who can look after themselves not a damn child who wont eat his peas. fgs

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 10/04/2015 09:23

I totally agree about vegetables! Well, food generally, actually. I also loathe people (I won't say 'men' as I don't want to stereotype and I'm sure this is cross-gender ... I'm not that sure) who talk about 'vegetarian food' with a sneer and seem to think they'll die if they don't have meat at every meal.

I'm an enthusiastic meat-eater myself, but I hate this macho 'I'm a MAN! I EAT MEAT!' mentality.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:23

casimir - they are all taken, i think thats why people view me as being picky because this is picky for whats left!
what do i have to offer? Im pretty awesome to be honest.

Im a lone parent in a small town. my social circles are tiny. so probably not, online dating should bridge the gap but thats full of xbox playing drunks most of the time, who live with their parents.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 10/04/2015 09:28

Seems quite a reasonable list to me - it's all relating to personality and lifestyle, which is how we should pick our partners. Picky is stuff like must be over 6' tall, which has no bearing at all on how a relationship goes.

It's not the same as my list, but we are all different.

I think people are having an issue with the county thing, and the houseshare thing, as sometimes these can be due to circumstances and not really personality.

I've only lived within about 20 miles of where I was born, although I have crossed a county line in the process, and I have a very different life now to when I was younger. I haven't seen anyone from school since I left, for example. I do have a bad case of wanderlust though, and I'll get my travelling in when my circumstances change, as they will. Overall I think I'm more adventurous and open to new things than the average person, and what I've done in my life shows that. A geographical limit is quite a restricted way of judging someone's level of confidence/openness/experiences/adventurousness/risk-taking.

Likewise, the houseshare thing is a bit of a back door way of stating a minimum income, which might be seen as a bit shallow by some.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 09:29

My (badly) made point is maybe the men you are meeting also have a list and you are failing. Works both ways.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 09:29

You are totally not being unreasonable - I listed all of those and more on a dating website. I seriously limited myself as I didn't want to get involved with anyone who already has children.

All of my expectations have been met by my fiance though :)

whitecandles · 10/04/2015 09:33

I think way too picky.

My list is literally

  • is kind
  • listens
  • is enthusiastic about life

Couldn't give a stuff about his politics or anything else. I have dated several guys who were similar to me in outlook and interests and it never worked. Now with a guy who has none of my interests, but who is always there for me, is up for anything, both of us willing to learn about the others interests.

Far happier with him than anyone else I've been with.

Twinklestein · 10/04/2015 09:36

OP your list is not picky in the slightest it's just basic requirements.

My list was genuinely picky and I've been married for over 15 years.

hereandtherex · 10/04/2015 09:38

Misread 'county' for 'country'. I think the better wording wuld have been: must not have lived their whole life in the same, small place. I can understand that esp. as I come from a small village where even the nearest big (relative) towns tend to produce more than their fair share of inbred, over-mothered cretins.

OP- have YOU left the county? You are setting bar which you may not have managed to jump yourself.

You sound a bit like my sister. Same age, one less kid. She has a similar set of requirements. She is also unlikely to meet them, mainly because she's never met any of them herself - stayed at home managed about ~2 years full-time in the last 20 years - and that was just doing unskilled cafe work, got knocked up.

Basically, she does not want a man who is like her, which I think is nuts and she's on a hiding to nowhere.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:39

here - cheers for that, but since im the one dumping them, id assure you are in correct.

If there were circumstances, yeah sure i could budge if i really liked them but over all, from a lot of dating, i have found that usually there are not circumstances and it is indicative of personality stuff, and then we end up with a problem.

I think its less of a rule and more of a guide.

For example i was going to go on a date with a man, he houseshares and doesnt drive, i overlooked it as he seemed funny, but then he started fussing over how he was going to get to our meeting place which was only maybe 3 miles from his house and how much of an effort it was, and then im turned off and dont want to meet him. it just showed his personality and we wouldnt get on. I dont see the point of having a boyfriend who i dont get on with?

OP posts:
LividofLondinium · 10/04/2015 09:41

Brenton, your list sounds fine to me and matches my criteria. I'm older than you (mid 40s) and I'd also add...
I want someone I find physically attractive. If I like their company but don't want to rip their kit off they go in "friends" category.

Must be good in bed. No selfish lovers. Erectile dysfunction or any sort of sexual issue is a no no. I've had my fair share thanks very much.

Must be capable of analytical thought, not just believe everything they read or hear in the media.

Must be emotionally intelligent. I want someone who knows what they want and can articulate it. Bad communicators are a right royal PITA.

Totally agree with how unattractive men are if they still live at home except in a carer capacity (or if they go home to mummy every day for a meal and clean clothes). Can't stand fussy eaters, or men who play video games. It feels so juvenile to me.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 09:42

here - if you read further up, you will see i have met all those things. Ive lived abroad in two countries. Once for 4 yeas and once in another country for one year.
Ive lived in various counties in the uk.

Ive always worked, in good jobs. I had a pretty shit hot career when i was younger its not so fab now as ive compromised as DD is more important, but i will pick it up again when shes older.

Ive lived in my own house, never smaller than a 3 bed since i was 22.

So i am only expecting the same of someone else, as what i have done myself. And i dont think thats too much to ask

OP posts: