Is this ' too picky'

[brentonstripeandredlipstick]

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

brentonstripeandredlipstick I would love to send you a personal message but it says your facility isn't available is there any way you could change that at all?

Although I have travelled about a bit & moved home quite a bit I have stayed living in the same county all my life - I don't think it's that unusual.

The county I live in is a tourist destination & one of the most beautiful counties in the country; with the seaside which I love and also nice towns & pretty countryside - it's got everything.

So I can understand people who stay in the same county.

MadeMan you sound like just my kind of guy. The only trouble is we would have trouble deciding who stops playing long enough to make the sandwiches.

OP I think you sound ace. My list would be a similar length to yours. And I love Louis Theroux too

Never settle. It will only lead to misery in the long run.

"The only trouble is we would have trouble deciding who stops playing long enough to make the sandwiches."

Best of three winner at Tekken (or similar competitive versus game) makes the sandwiches and puts kettle on.

What, EVERY night? :(

That's a good point.

I don't think OP's list is particularly picky but I suspect her list of wants/needs probably increases as the relationship goes on. To be honest OP you sound a little like somebody who has a tendency to pick faults in the other person and the use that to justify dumping them?

Some of the other comments on this thread are depressing in that they stereotype so much based on often outdated perceptions and narrow views.

I don't like tattoos, but if you find the 'right' guy and then get into the bedroom to discover he has a tattoo do you dump him?

Comments about no animals/cars/'nudity' in profiles pictures. So you are discounting a guy because he has a pet (caring and responsible?), has an interest in nice cars (can afford to run one) or has posted a holiday picture on the beach.... really?

TheChandler
"Re the reality tv and computer games thing as well. Again, just common sense if you want a hard working person like yourself, they won't have much time for that."

Again, seems like a very narrow stereotype. Anybody that enjoys TV / computer activities can't be hard working? Many software engineers/IT guys would probably play some computer games but also work hard and earn good money. All these guys who enjoy foreign travel... where do they find time to work hard....?

And I can't help but feel "financially solvent" or "has own home" roughly translates into "wealthy enough to make me a lady of leisure".

'All these guys who enjoy foreign travel... where do they find time to work hard....?'

That's a great point.

OutragedFromLeeds
Absolutely. It is the judgemental nature of many of these posts that is off putting. Different preferences are normal but to imply somebody is inferior socially/intellectually/etc, just because they have different interests is wrong.

Yet many state they wouldn't want a partner with a close mind or judgemental - practice what you preach surely?

Same paradox seems to apply with 'baggage' and previous relationship 'red flags'. Nobody seems to want to date somebody with 'baggage' but at the same time everybody views those with no history of LTR as having a massive red flag. How does that work out?

I don't think your list is unreasonable, but some things can change. My DH passed his test but hated driving. When I was pregnant, I told him he had to get back to driving again, and he now does it all the time. He also wasn't really a traveller, but that was because when he was a child, he moved around a lot. What's to say that you can't broaden his horizons? Everything else is a personality trait, so more difficult to change, so I'd stick to those! (I would say the not driving with my DH was a symptom of a general tendency to 'glass half empty' syndrome though, as he had one accident and stopped driving because he wasn't so good at it. Its a trait our son has inherited, so on the other hand...)

To be honest OP you sound a little like somebody who has a tendency to pick faults in the other person and the use that to justify dumping them

Eh? Are you reading the same thread?

I think you're reading in your own issues tbh.

And you can both work hard and travel, no?

foreverdepressed TheChandler "Re the reality tv and computer games thing as well. Again, just common sense if you want a hard working person like yourself, they won't have much time for that."

Again, seems like a very narrow stereotype. Anybody that enjoys TV / computer activities can't be hard working? Many software engineers/IT guys would probably play some computer games but also work hard and earn good money. All these guys who enjoy foreign travel... where do they find time to work hard....?

Many software engineers etc don't play computer games in their spare time. But they're hardly a universal dream lover for every woman...the image of the nerd spending free time playing computer games is hardly appealing, so yes, it is a big turn off. And good money in comparision to what? Do many women fall at the feet of engineers on 50-60k pa?

Personally, I like spending my free time doing fun things, often outdoors if the weather is good, or DIY, or whatever, and if you have a partner stuck on a computer, they're hardly much company. You would be better off alone, as you would probably end up spending much of your free time without them.

Having a job is hardly incompatible with foreign travel! Most people get about 6 weeks holiday...

And I can't help but feel "financially solvent" or "has own home" roughly translates into "wealthy enough to make me a lady of leisure"

I think it depends on who is making that statement. If it is a woman who has a reasonably well paid professional job, its totally unrealistic to think she will have anything in common with an unemployed man who spends his time playing computer games and watching reality tv, and who flat shares or who has never moved out of his parents' home.

I think the OP is absolutely right...if they have traits which are obviously going to be a barrier to anything long term, theres no point in wasting time on them in the first place.

Chandler I think you miss my point which is playing computer games, having a pet, being interested in sport, etc, is not incompatible with being an interesting person that also enjoys outdoor activities, travel, culture, etc.

A lot of people in this thread seem to place people in one category or another.

I think the judgy pants tone is wrong, not the actual preference for having a partner with certain similar interests. Outdoor activities, DIY, travel, etc are not necessarily better (as some have implied) hobbies than being a car enthusiast or a gym fanatic or animal lover.

As I said, I don't think the OP's list is necessarily unreasonable, but I do think the attitude by OP and other posters towards those that don't fully meet their 'list' is condescending and wrong...... a very unattractive quality in either sex.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable whatsoever. There are a lot of man children about. I know this for a fact having been single for 10 years. Single men are invariably 'single for a reason' as the saying goes which I have heard said by many intelligent and capable females many times.

I do not wish to slander the world of men nor do I wish to judge others harshly - the fact is as single parent women most of us have had to grow up pretty sharply and face all manner of issues and pressures. Like the op I too have also only dated the men for a couple of months before unfortunately deciding to finish it. There did not seem to much mileage in these situations.

To be honest I think it is a good option to get to know them as friends first before you go out with them as that way you know where they are coming from and it is less of a shock later when you are faced with any issues etc.

'I know this for a fact having been single for 10 years. Single men are invariably 'single for a reason''

Hello, Kettle? It's the pot, you're black.

Chandler you've missed the point.

You said; 'Again, just common sense if you want a hard working person like yourself, they won't have much time for that'

A hard working person won't have time to watch TV or play computer games i.e. they won't have time to relax or pursue a hobby.

But that's just not true, because as you also say 'Most people get about 6 weeks holiday...'.

So you can both work hard AND play computer games or watch TV. In the same way that you can both work hard AND spend your free time 'doing fun things, often outdoors if the weather is good, or DIY, or whatever'.

It's fine to not want to date someone who plays computer games.

It's unkind, unfair and inaccurate to claim that anyone who plays computer games is not ALSO hardworking.

I think you are too picky.

My DH was living with his mum (and had saved £60k in his bank account by doing so - 30 years ago)
spent loads of time on computer games - he was a tech head living at home with his mum in a village - what else would he do.
did not travel,
did not cook.

All of which have changed since I met him. Good job I took a chance.

I know a software engineer but he is older and video games did not really exist in his generation. But he spent a lot of his time on computer. And he did have a passion for music and did a lot of tech works on involving music. Because of this, he was always away and never invited his wife to anything. But a lot of younger software engineers I know do play computer games on their spare time. I, myself, never meet on who love spending all their time outdoors. They do go outdoors though but it is usually not their thing.

It's staggering how many posters are reading Brenton's list as some kind of judgement on all of mankind! It's her attempt at summarising the deal-breakers for her, personally.

I can't stand outdoor, country type activities. You could all tell me the many desirable qualities of outdoorsy men, but it'd be a waste of time for me to go out with one (and him with me) as I'd be off to the pub on my own with a newspaper!

OutragedFromLeeds Chandler you've missed the point.

The clarion call of the person who disagrees with you.

Oh, if only those damned single women could just drop their standards, and get together with that nice unemployed man that lives with my friend's mother. Then she could ferry him about helpfully between his five-a-side football and buy him computer games for Christmas. And she wouldn't be on the shelf any more.

It's unkind, unfair and inaccurate to claim that anyone who plays computer games is not ALSO hardworking.

Of the few male gamers that are also hard working and high achieving in the few hours they have left between work and gaming, let me make it clear that I would not want one in my life. Its something I would avoid like a bargepole. Since I'm not single, its academic, but when I was, I had no problems in meeting employed, independent men with a sense of adventure who could also drive and who didn't have tattoos or play computer games. I'm sure there are a few women out there (possibly keen gamers themselves) who would, but it seems to be a limited trait in men that is desirable.

hear hear chandler

Women are allowed to say "I find X quality unattractive" too.

There's something a bit weird about those who try to convince women to be "kinder" in their choice of mate. I am kind to lots of people, I don't want them sharing my bed

Magners it basically boils down to criticising women for refusing to date men they don't fancy. ie who they are not attracted to. There can be a whole host of things, traits if you like, that put someone off fancying someone. Forcing yourself to fancy someone to avoid being single is an awful concept.

But some people seem to live in the dark ages, when a woman being "left on the shelf" was considered worse than having to spend your life with someone whose appearance and habits, at best, irritate you.

Isn't it staggering how many people can't read county and assume country instead?

SomewhereIbelong - was your DH in his 40s when you 'changed him'? The OP is 36, she said she was looking at men in their early 40s, by early 40s having not lived independently, travelled, learned to cook, taken up hobbies etc, the chances are, he's not going to.... As I said earlier, a 20-something might be worth taking a punt on as he might change, a 40-something is who he is.

I also really resent the idea that a woman should take a man and improve him. If there are traits you don't like in someone, then rather than delibrately starting a relationship with someone with those traits with the plan to change them, it is better to just date someone who does't have those traits and leave the other man to someone who would be able to love him as he is without needing to change him into someone "better".

TheChandler - you are right, it's based round the assumption that a woman really really needs to be in a relationship, it's worth compromising to be with someone who isn't right for you as that's far better than being alone! Really, saying "I don't find X attractive, so I won't date someone who is /does X" just makes sense. Too many people on here are being all offended because they do like or don't mind men who do/are things on OP's list, it doesn't mean you are wrong to like them, different people have different things that matter to them. The OP hasn't mentioned looks or politics or religious views at all - things like that can be 'deal breakers' for others. Different people have different things that bother them and many people won't admit so freely that they will let a lot of personality issues slide for the right looking person