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Original poster

Is this ' too picky'

420 replies

brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 07:15

My friend has told me I'm too picky. I've been single for a very long time and she blames me, too picky apparently.

I have also dated a lot, when I started dating I didn't really have a list of things I'd like or that are important but it's grown over time.

so, he needs to : not live with his parents or in a house share.
drive
have a job
be a functioning adult
not spend all his time and money in the pub
no drugs
be able to cook
has lived a life, ie not just stayed in his own county all his life
not be a fan of reality TV crsp or the sun newspaper
be kind
be funny
be interesting
not to spend all his time on xbox etc

that's basically it. Obviously there are things like not being a criminal and spending time / providing for his children if he has any etc...

I don't think it's a long or stupid list but my friend seems to think I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:22

i liked bake off and sewing bee. i think the new bear grilys thing looks good too.

like i said, its a guide, not a ' he must tick all of these things'
and basically its a personality thing, i just want someone who is like me, who i get on with. i dont see why that is picky.

OP posts:
5hell · 10/04/2015 10:23

nothing worng with having a wish list and yours doesn't seem too OTT, but when you meet the 'one' you'll know and probably (hopefully) let a couple slide. If you had a great time with someone and a good feeling about them, I assume you wouldn't dump him just because he didn't tick every single box...none of us are perfect :)

good luck, hope you find your lobster soon ;)

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:27

what would you let slide off that list though?

working?
no drugs?

to me its the bare essentials.
we are talking for a maybe 35 to 42 year old man here.

OP posts:
Justyouwaitandsee · 10/04/2015 10:28

I've skipped to the end so might have missed some bits. Just to say that i met my DH online. My search criteria was that they should not be living at home and no children. He found me and was living at home (after previous relationship broke down) and had a daughter. Within 4 months the housing situation didn't matter as we were both ready to move (I was in an unhappy houseshare, again after a relationship breakdown) and so we moved in together. Five years on, we couldn't be happier and are expecting our first child together. So it can pay off to keep an open mind!

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 10/04/2015 10:29

If an adult male in his 30s has never thought to give travelling or cooking "a go" until a woman comes along then that says a bit about him IMO....

Having said that, I am a single parent too, and in the last few years my life has revolved around work and her, not leaving much time for hobbies and travel or even much good cooking tbh, and that might be a deal breaker for some men... So I might not be that attractive a prospect nowadays!

Jackiebrambles · 10/04/2015 10:36

It sounds like you've actually met/dated people who you probably shouldn't have even bothered with. I'm not surprised that you are a bit tired of it.

When I did OLD I had a rule that I didn't want the emailing to go on too long, because then you build up someone in your mind and end up disappointed when you actually meet them (ie no chemistry/don't fancy them) but there's a balance to be struck between that and also weeding out the Sun-reading gamers who live with their mums before wasting your time meeting them!

In your area are there a lot of men on the dating sites? Are you on a few different sites?

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:39

yeah, about 10 days is a good time to be chatting for, usually weeds them out.
I might have fallen foul of the ' keep an open mind, meet different people and meet quickly' advice.

I go on far less dates now as i am more picky, the dates i go on usually turn into the start of a relationship, and then i dump them a few months down the line as i realise we are very different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:44

Basically the first few years i did the ' meet all different types, you never know, keep an open mind' thing.

that was fun for a while, but then you realise there are some types you are never going to like, and what do you like.

so, i got more picky and dated them, and for the last few years ive been in the stage where from the dates i have, 90% of them turn into a 2 to 3 month relationship, but then there are niggles and it turns out, once you have got over the excitement of the first few weeks, that you are different people and its not going to work long term, so i just end it.

im kind of sick of that now too and would like to find someone who i do like, as a person and well as fancy.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 10/04/2015 10:47

Actually 2-3 month relationships are quite long really! When I was OLD if it was a non-starter I wouldn't make it past a 2nd date!

What are the niggles that generally put you off after 2-3 months? Is there a pattern?

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:52

the niggles are things that are covered by the list :)

usually lifestyle mis matching, so drinking , drugs, batchlor pad type things living with parents, living like a student.

things that dont seem important to start with but are: like driving ( when im the one that has to do all the running, they dont pay for petrol, we cant go places unless i drive, everything having to be at their house all the time) the food thing, just annoys the shit out of me frankly.

being a sexist, thick wanker - the boobs and the sun and liking shite tv while having a go at me because i want to go to something cultural or reading the actual news.

men with social problems, with anxiety, who just feel safe playing online games for 16 hours a day and who wont even go to the cinema as its too stressful.

those are the things that niggle.
or more than niggle, they are total dealbreakers

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 10:54

the pattern is, that i overlook the things that i know are important to me, because i think they dont matter, and by 2 / 3 months of finding out about someone, it becomes apparent they really do matter and they arent someone i even like.

this is why i now have a list, though ive been told by 50% of posters that its too picky.

thing is, not being picky is kind of how i ended up with the list

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 10/04/2015 11:08

How did you even get as far as watching Louis Theroux with someone who reads the Sun?

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 11:10

I wouldnt put my ' list' on any dating profile, im not that crass

I assume that was meant for me OP, seeing as I said I put it on mine. Funny though that what you consider crass, allowed me to meet my OH without dating lots and lots of guys first. I see it as being upfront and not wasting peoples' time. Why bother 'dating' someone at all if you know from the start that it wouldn't work?

I may be crass, but that crassness honesty means I am now living with my fiance and planning on starting a family

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 11:10

i didnt.
:)
i was doing it in my house while he was at his mums, eating his friday fish pie.
He asked what i was watching, i told him, he didnt know what it was ( how!!) so googled, then called me weird.

i bloody love louis theroux.
have done for years and years.

OP posts:
Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 11:13

no it was aimed at the guy who was having abit of a pop about women having lists on dating profiles. if you have ever read some they are a bit like
' dont contact me if you dont have a house and new car and earn x amount'

i would never put something like that on a profile and its not important, never on here have a said a man has to own his own home, i just said i didnt want someone who house shared or lived at home.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 10/04/2015 11:13

It's a normal pattern when OLD. I also started with giving them the benefit of the doubt, thinking I'm too picky and unreasonable when I don't go out again with someone just because of this or that..

It's not the case though, as you have also seen. If he drinks like a fish then he drinks like a fish and there are plenty of men who don't. So no point imagining that this won't matter, if you know it does.

Original poster
brentonstripeandredlipstick · 10/04/2015 11:16

Hazle yeah. you are right. but then why do so many people declare that being too picky, or say that the love of a good woman will change them? i dont want to fix someones problems or to end up with someone who wants to spend all their time in the pub. That is not me, so why would i chose that? surely they would be better suited to someone else who also wants to be in the pub all the time?
i dont know why that suddenly makes me a bad person?

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 11:26

Brenton - that's exactly it. Women think they can 'fix' men - I find this awful. They meet someone and 'fall in love' and then spend their life trying to change their annoying faults. Making them into someone who they didn't fall in love with... Why would anyone want to change someone - it's rude. It's saying that the person isn't good enough, when in fact they probably are - just for someone else who will value them for things they have in common.

You are not in any way too fussy - you will meet someone who is your equal and you will have a relationship that lasts. I've been in a relationship where the guy lived with his parents still, never travelled outside his home town etc and it made the relationship really awkward as he just couldn't put the 'effort' in - he was used to an easy life. He didn't travel much so if I wanted to see him I had to drive 12 miles to his parents' house - it was just well, awkward. I've also been in a relationship where the guy wasn't my intellectual equal. He couldn't handle that I earned more, had a wider general knowledge etc and would spend his time trying to drag me down to make himself feel better. I lived a life where I felt I had to justify every action.

OP - keep on with how you are doing. You will find someone when you least expect it and it will be someone who you won't have to compromise for. You will be equals and it will be wonderful :)

HazleNutt · 10/04/2015 11:26

those people are deluded. Yes, sure you can influence someone a little, introduce them to new hobbies and whatnot, but that's pretty much as far as it ever goes, when we're talking about 30-40 year olds.

temporarilyjerry · 10/04/2015 11:32

OP, you know YANBU. There is no reason to compromise just because you are not 22 anymore.

Greta28 · 10/04/2015 11:33

This has really made me smile.

When I met my then bf 5 years ago, he lived with his mum, drove her beat up car, never been anywhere, and was on 17k.

But I loved being with him and fancied him. I knew people at work were making snide remarks how I am oh so "not picky".

Fast forward 5 years, my now husband has moved us both to Australia where we live by the beach, has progressed immensely in his job and is now a successful manager. Has just recently bought me a new convertible.

He always worships and remembers how when he had nothing, I loved him just for what he is. Last night I came home from work to a glass of wine, freshly made dinner, and a hot bath ready for me. I get flowers weekly, and regular surprise weekends away.

And as I do my weekend sunrise swim in the beautiful ocean, I smile to myself at how wonderful our life is, and thank myself that I went with my heart and didn't go for the man that 'ticked everything'. I had no ticks, I just chose someone that made my heart skip Smile

Greta28 · 10/04/2015 11:36

Oh and he couldn't boil an egg. Now he makes me curries and roast dinners

Anniegetyourgun · 10/04/2015 11:37

I can't see that you've been too picky up till now. From observation and experience you've identified certain attributes the presence or absence of which are unlikely to float your boat, so why waste time with guys who it's pretty clear from the off are not going to be your kind of people? As it is, to quote the classics, "guidelines rather than actual rules", you are flexible enough to ignore an item if someone sounds otherwise very nice; but so far every time you've done that it hasn't really worked out.

If you did stick rigidly to the list, the worst that might happen is that you fail to date someone who you might in fact have been compatible with. On the other hand, if you are busy giving a no-hoper the benefit of the doubt, only to decide after a couple of months that the list was right all along, you might be missing out on someone else who would have been brilliant. Having an idea of your deal breakers in advance saves you, and for that matter the men you date, a wasted couple of months dancing round each other, trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole against the odds. Let them free to find a soap-loving Sun reader whose biggest ambition in life is to send her man to work in a freshly ironed shirt! (You can tell this wouldn't be me either.)

As MaryWestmacott said upthread, the end result of being "too picky" may be that you don't have a partner, which is hardly the worst thing in the world. I think that's unlikely though.

loveareadingthanks · 10/04/2015 11:39

I think you list makes an awful lot of sense now - you've been wasting time with people who really aren't going to be right for you, and if this helps narrow it down much earlier on, it's a good idea. You really aren't being all that picky, you just want a functional adult male who is a nice and interesting person, with similar interests and lifestyle to you, who can be in an adult relationship. I think that's what all of us want, to be honest. Those are pretty basic demands.

Being a bit open minded and not rigid in exactly what you want is good, as people can surprise you, but I think that relates more to the less obvious people who still meet your main requirements.

There are lovely, functional men out there, promise. I think you need to raise your standards a bit, not lower them, and your list is a good way to go about that.

By the way I did the opposites attract thing and spent 2 -3 happy 'honeymoon period' years where we convinced ourselves the differences didn't matter, and then wasted nearly 10 unhappy years trying to make it work. This time round I was very clear that I wanted a male version of me, found it, and we are very happy and it's all so easy compared to my other relationships.

matroyshka · 10/04/2015 11:41

Brenton - I don't think you're being too picky or unreasonable or anything, if those things are important to you, then you shouldn't compromise (not that it seems like you would, you seem to know your own mind!). As other posters have said, a man in his 30s or 40s isn't likely to have a fundamental change of personality - if he's not interested in what goes on in the world and just wants to play computer games in a darkened room, that is unlikely to ever change!

I think there is value in giving someone a chance, but if you know you couldn't be compatible because of fundamental values/interests etc, why waste time!