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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 08:47

Oh my God OP. You have a real problem here. I think you should ask for this to be moved into the Relationship section.

You don't need this here...you need real help. You need him out.

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 08:50

The more I think about it the more I think that in your position, I would pack his bags and change the locks. It's EXTREMELY worrying. He's buying films about incest! And pedophilia! Get the fucker out now.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2015 08:51

I'd be very very uncomfortable with this, you need to tell him what you've found.

Ask for this to be moved from AIBU .

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2015 08:51

I agree you have a problem. The last thing he should want to look at is that sort of thing, with having such a young child.

There's a thread on here at the moment about fetishes and there are a few MNetters who get off on calling their OH 'Daddy' - I was amazed nobody pulled them up on that.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 09/04/2015 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:52

he is not buying films about paedophilia. I made that very clear in the OP. the girls are all 18+ from what I can see.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 09/04/2015 08:52

It is very concerning. Agree with PPs.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:53

how do I move a thread?

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2015 08:54

Report button.

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 08:55

There's a report button by your original post....click that and there's a space to say something about why you need it moved. Jut put "advised to post in relationships" and they'll move it.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 09/04/2015 08:55

I'd have a chat with him rather than any knee jerk reaction. As the porn use isn't a secret I'd just raise it with him & see what his reaction is.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/04/2015 08:56

It doesn't matter that the girls on film are 18+, it's still the premis of incest.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:56

thanks, have asked for it to moved.

OP posts:

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 08:56

Bluebell those barely legal films may include women who are 18 but they sure as hell don't look it AND they're a tiny step away from the real thing.

Kampeki · 09/04/2015 08:56

I have a daughter, OP, and I would be extremely concerned about this. Could you ring the NSPCC and get some professional advice?

I agree it might be better to move this thread out of AIBU.

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/04/2015 08:58

I don't think that being turned on by incest in the abstract necessarily means that he is interested in it in reality. I have certainly fantasised about things that I would hate in real life (nothing incest/paedophilia related thank god). And for eg rape fantasies are apparently common for women - which doesn't mean that loads of women 'want to be raped'. But you need to raise this with him. And maybe insist on some joint/individual (for him) therapy sessions with a therapist so he is able to process/understand this better? My heart goes out to you.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:59

Iknow I want to approach him about this, I'm certainly not going to boot him out without seeing what he has to say.

As I'm not a porn user myself I need to know how concerned I should be about this as I realise there is a difference between 'I personally dont feel confortable' and 'that is inappropriate regardless'

OP posts:

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/04/2015 09:00

To add, I agree that this content is inappropriate and should not be indulged. I think it would be totally reasonable of you to insist he not watch/fantasise about anything incest related and unreasonable of him to refuse.

AnxiousWreck · 09/04/2015 09:01

Incestuous pornography is not common, but it not rare, either. Unfortunately, there are films aimed at fathers who "save" their daughters sexually, usually either by "helping" them through puberty or "saving" them from terrible sexual relationships, etc.

The strange here is that if your husband has this fantasy, he should have told you at some point - especially before you had children together. You deserved to be able to take that into account when you chose a father for your child.

You will now have to talk to him and find out how far this runs, and whether you need to put measures into place to keep your daughter safe as she gets older. You have a legal duty to safeguard her, as well as a moral one.

Also remember that he is doing the same as you. He is buying pornography which he knows is acted by 18-year-olds, but he is fantasizing that they are younger, and they are behaving younger. He is buying pornography where daughters have sex with their fathers, and again, if he is buying through legal channels, they will have to be unrelated and over 18. He is using his mind to reverse that.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 09:02

mellowjello - that's what I was wondering - I fantasise about other men, 'normal' ones not celebs or anything necessarily and I wondered if t kind of goes in the same vein as being 'fantasy that in no way relates to real life' - I would never cheat on my husband. I never want to go back to my ex - but I've had dreams/thoughts along those lines which turned me on.

I;m so confused.

OP posts:

viva100 · 09/04/2015 09:02

I don't think it's necessarily concerning (as in, I don't think he's a paedophile), like you said, they are clearly adult women. But the father-daughter thing is very inappropriate and very, very gross, especially as a father himself. Just sick. Not sure I could look at him the same way. I just couldn't. All respect lost. You need to have a talk with him. Just be honest with him.

Mamabear14 · 09/04/2015 09:02

My abusive EXH used to frequent barely legal sites. It wasn't until I had given birth to our son that I was informed that he was Infact on the sex offenders register and had changed his name. It's only now when I think of it that I had a very slim figure and am quite baby faced, it makes me feel a bit ill. Needless to say he has no contact with our son and hasn't from that day. I know it's only looking but it clearly tickles his fancy to look at that sort of thing, and I can't get past that. I would have a severe think about where you go from here.

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 09/04/2015 09:02

Hi everyone - we're just going to pop this one over to Relationships for the OP.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/04/2015 09:04

As the mother of a girl, I would be creeped out and determined to act if I discovered that my DH was buying porn that even suggested father/daughter relations - irrespective of the age of those involved. I wouldn't care if it was the "taboo" of it that drew him rather than an actual desire, to me, it would be too great a risk to let my DD grow up around.

The "barely legal" porn is grim and again, as the mother of a DD, it would creep me out and id be wary of her having friends around etc as a teen, or whether she herself was at any risk.

I wouldnt be happy letting my DD live in a house with a man that found these things erotic.

Original poster

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 09:04

anxiouswreck - I agree and my primary thought was 'but we have a DD!' I will never knowingly put her in danger.

I will add that now I know about it, I cant see anything in DH's behaviour towards me or the DC that indicates he is anything other than the lovely wonderful man I married.

OP posts:

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