to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

[BluebellBlues]

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

it makes no difference to me how old they are in RL

It does to me, AnyFucker, and to the police. A person under the age of consent cannot legally give consent and so is always raped, by definition. A person over the age of consent can give permission, and often they do give permission to be part of pornography or sex acts that many would find demeaning or would assume is rape (and this includes acts that they know will physically damage them).

Lucky me, as part of my job, I have watched thousands of abuse and pornography clips. Some of them have interviews with the adult performers, talking through what they plan to do or have just done. Bizarre to the average person, but to them it is a job that they have consented to. Consent is key, which is why age is also key.

It doesn't occur to most people OP. However...look a little closer and you will see that many were abused as children or as adults.

This could be his first look at this type of porn but having expressed an interest I would be worried .
This is a legal version but it can be a gateway for the illegal one.

Slippery slope for some.

it makes no difference to me how old they are in RL

In the context of how I judge his behaviour, that is. He gets off on seeing young girls abused. To some people (including OP) it is ok as long as the girls are over 18. I don't consider it so, legalities aside.

OP, you are setting yourself up so that when you confront him about this he will (legitimately) say "well you are ok with porn, you have no objections or even have thought about the ethical aspects of it and the girls are over 18 in RL, so there is no problem"

stale mate

i dont believe so AF because my issue is not with the ages or situations of the performers, or of their perceived age (that of being students/teens). my issue is with the fact that he is a father of a daughter, why on earth would he be turned on by father/daughter relations.

the issue is not with his use of porn, it doesn't bother me. my issue is with this particular genre of porn.

Bluebell Would it help to explore your thoughts a bit more, so you can be confident and clear when you talk to DH?

Both in your OP and in your subsequent posts, it's comes across that your hiding an issue with porn. You know that it's completely individual, right? You can choose. You can be okay with it and watch it together and then not be okay with it anymore. You can ask your DH not to watch it. He has an imagination, just like you. You are allowed an opinion on this, and it's not uncommon for that to change when you have a daughter.

If you are okay with the porn, why does your husband go to such lengths to hide it from you? That would bother me.

You've said that your DH is a good husband and father and treats you well, so for me, I'd be trying to reconcile his sexual personality with his normal one. If there is a huge crevice, and he's unwilling to talk about it (and explain it, to a certain extent, when it comes to incest and other not-common fantasies), that would be a big red flag. In the end, those are the relationships where the person ends up fulfilling their normal personality with one person, and their sexual personality elsewhere, because they just can't be met together. You can hide it for years and years, but as soon as you indulge it a bit, you need to indulge it a little more, and a little more. I'm not suggesting that he'll seek out an incestuous relationship, but perhaps he'll feel the need for a much younger woman, or a position of power, etc. And if that's a big need for him, and something he's indulging and encouraging, and it's something you can't give him, you need to talk about it and ensure it doesn't become a problem.

Cross posts on the first bit there!

Speak to him.
Tell him you are aware he is using porn.
Tell him you are further aware now that he is using porn with names which suggest incest.
Remind him he has a young daughter.
Ask him how he can make that fit happily in his head.

IF he looks thunderstruck / horrified then it is JUST possible he's been a total idiot and not connected it.

Anything less and I'd ask him to leave.

Men themselves confess that they being watching what could be considered mild porn, before progressing to harder porn, and finally child porn. They keep looking for a fix and once they've exhausted all the BDSM porn the next step for them is child porn. This is out of the mouths of men who watch this porn. If your husband is watching "But he's my father" I would be worried.

I think people who make and consume porn have an unspeakable contempt for women...

Sorry AnyFucker, but you're assuming that all the videos involve what appears to be abuse. In many of the videos, the performer playing the daughter/stepdaughter appears very willing to have sex with the father figure - this can be part of the attraction to the films.

Also, with the sound off and not reading the labels of the video closely (as many "one handed internet surfers" do), it would not be clear that the girl is supposedly underage, they are supposedly related, or that it is anything other than consensual sex.

OP, my perception is that if he is looking at online DVD shops, he really hasn't been concentrating on searching for this type of content as there are so many free sites available. It shows a lack of experience/persistence/interest to me.

I think people who make and consume porn have an unspeakable contempt for women...

sakura, I think we might be banging the wrong drum here

Op is fine with porn.

There is a theory that many habitual porn users seek out more taboo stuff because they simply become immune to the vanilla stuff.

I wouldn't be happy. I would think what sort of twat needs this simply to have an orgasm? But then I wouldn't be happy living with a man with a regular porn habit either.

thebackofmyhands I consider that most mainstream porn is filmed abuse

Oh my god, that's awful, 18 yeah of course they are - he better watch, this is exactly the sort of thing the Police go after if he is downloading it to his computer.

What woman would be happy with a man that does that.......the mind boggles, perhaps you need to have a problem with his porn use OP, sounds like he's crossing barriers.

thebackofmyhands you are wrong about consent. Many women over the age of 18 are coerced into pornography. They are effectively prostituted women, who are being filmed. Many have pimps. Some have "debts" to pimps or others. There is nothing consensual about pornography, beginning with the fact that women are paid less than men for the same job and therefore they earn more in porn than they could elsewhere. That's not consent. That's something else.
They are also pushed into doing harder porn and although they sign a consent form before filming they end up doing porn they had not consented to but because it's already being done to them they can't get out of it. Often the "no no" is exciting to the porn consumer and the pornographers themselves. Many are explicitly NOT consenting on film. They will face violence if they simply get up and walk off the set. There is too much money at stake for the pimps and pornographers to just let them get up and walk away.

Another thing we have learned is that women in porn are only able to talk about the coercive, non-consensual nature of pornography once they have left the industry and have been given a chance to heal. When they're in it they are frightened and "owned" and do not speak out.

AnyFucker, we'll have to agree to disagree here.

I sympathise with whatever your personal situation is that constructed your views. My focus is on the legalities of online content. It is understandable that we may not agree on everything here.

Sakura
"Men themselves confess that they being watching what could be considered mild porn, before progressing to harder porn, and finally child porn. They keep looking for a fix and once they've exhausted all the BDSM porn the next step for them is child porn"

SOME men do this , in the same way SOME people move on from smoking a 'bit of puff' to full blown herion addiction.....

SOME OTHER men (and women) use 'straight' porn and stay with that

of course

The age of the women in the videos is almost irrelevant. He enjoys seeing images of 'young' girls being raped and abused. How could that ever be ok? Mind you I am very anti porn, and could never be with a man who thought any porn use was acceptable. I agree with AF - it shows complete disrespect towards all women in general.

OP it seems you have bought this up and now you are furiously backpedalling trying to find ways in which his behaviour is ok. But no matter how you dress it up, it is not ok. Even if he is not acting illegally he is acting immorally don't you think?

sorry, "of course" was to thebackofmyhands

I am happy to disagree with you. I am very, very glad that people such as yourself are looking very carefully at the legalities of porn. My objection is a moral one, which of course encompasses the legal aspects but in no way is confined by them.

i'll explain a little more anxious

i have never been into porn, in any way. I'm not the most sexual person in the world. i dont masterbate, not because i object to the idea but i just never feel the need or the want to.

When DH and i were young and pre-dc our sex life was obviously much more regular than it is now. i have no idea if he used porn individually at this point, never thought about it. we did watch a couple of porn dvds together and had a sex orientated board game that we played occasionally but i did have to really be in the right mood for it.

i discovered a stash of images on the computer when i was pregnant with DC1. i hit the roof, was really upset etc etc. we talked about it, DH said it was something he did when he was younger and slipped back into it as we were not having sex due to me being very sick while PG.

after i got shot of the pregnancy hormones i realised i was being irrational about it as we had watched it together before etc. i also realised that if i enjoy my own private fantasies about other men, either through books or via my imagination (I'm a writer, its not hard for me to make this stuff up myself) then i cant complain about DH using a more visual aid (imagination is not his thing!). so while we never spoke of it again, i got over it and let it go. I've known for a while that he had a few mags etc and feel happier in a 'i know he does it but I'd rather not know the specifics' kind of thing.

so basically i would rather he didn't but i dont want sex as often as he does and i enjoy my own fantasies so I've learnt to let it go.

i think you are right that my feelings have changed since having the DC, especially since DD. I'd never had to think about it before being confronted with this.

i think where I'm at is that i dont mind him using porn as i know i dont and cant have sex as often as he would like. but the looking underage and the incest type ones are a complete no go for me.

ihavetogetoutofhere i like that idea of laying it out like that. now I've got over the initial shock i expect that he just hasn't made the connection of what he's looking at and what it actually relates to in RL. it's an interesting point about whether its a way to watch a man his age with a younger girl rather than the specific father/daughter thing.

i lurk on relationships quite a bit and think i will go for the usual advice on here for confronting partners of offering a statement and seeing what they volunteer further rather than laying out all of what i know and allowing him the option to potentially not tell me things he thinks i may not know about.

feel a bit sick though.

sakura, "There is nothing consensual about pornography". Wow. Sweeping statement there, that is also untrue. It is also untrue that women get paid less - they get paid considerably more.

Please feel free to message me with details of interviews and studies to support your claims, as the research department of my workplace would be delighted to have this information.

Im with backofmyhands.

He's watching legal stuff. It might not be your cup of tea but thats your choice. Getting the police, NSPCC involved is nuts.

The idea that legal porn is a gateway to illegal and deviant behaiviour is nuts. Page 3 is a gateway activity to rape FFS!

Look, if porn encouraged rape + sexual abuse then, with the internet, there would be packs of sex crazed men patrolling the streets. There is not. Sex crime, along with other crime, has fallen off a cliff in the last 10 - 20 years.

ok i accept that some people view all porn as wrong for a myriad of reasons. however that is not my view and therefore it doesn't help with the situation.

and saying that my DH enjoys watching girls being raped and abused. that is factually incorrect. these are all dvds/images in which the female is quite happy and willing. just because you deem in wrong and label it all as 'rape' it is not fair or true to extent that to say my DH enjoys watching abuse and rape.

I'm not trying to 'backpedal' at all, more trying to work it out as it seems so out of character for my DH, it just doesn't seem right that he would do this. and it seems a bit jump - its always been 'normal' porn and then straight to this?

I've been on professional training run by people who work with men who've been convicted of downloading child porn.

They told us that virtually no one starts off searching for this stuff. Their porn use starts with very mainstream material then gradually progresses to more and more explicit content. It's like all other addictions- they need more and more of a 'hit'. Eventually child porn becomes on the horizon.

Your dh is on this slope. He is close to crossing that line. Once he does he is likely to be caught. He will then be a registered sex offender (will this affect the type of job he has?) and you will have social work involvement to assess whether he will be allowed contact with your DCs. You may be told he is not allowed to see them unsupervised and that he is not allowed to live with them. If you then break this your DCs can be removed from you and placed in foster care.

So you have to take urgent action on this before it goes any further.

Trusting him not to use porn anymore may not be enough. You may have to insist on removing all devices (smartphone/iPad/laptops/pcs) from the home.

I hope this all works out for you & your DCs.