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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:
Eekaman · 13/04/2015 01:08

Bluebell,

I'm delighted to hear you've had a meaningful conversation with your OP and have made plans to move on. Good on you both and lots of best wishes xxx

But it's times like this I utterly despair at MN. From taking an activity that was quite innocent and legal, (although some might find distasteful) it only took a very short while to find so many posters linking these online DVD browsing activities to watching op's hubby peado porn, to shrill 'call the police / change the locks / contact the Nspcc about the child...

I'm constantly amazed at this place. It can offer wonderful support and advice on so many occasions, and it can get it completely wrong on others.

AuntieDee · 13/04/2015 07:29

Since when is incest legal?

dominogocatgo · 13/04/2015 07:33

It is legal between adults is it not ?

AuntieDee · 13/04/2015 07:44

'MToday 07:33 dominogocatgo

It is legal between adults is it not ?''

No

HeyDuggee · 13/04/2015 08:11

What?! You didn't leave the bastard and follow the sage advice so many strangers demanded you do? How very dare you.

Good luck op and ignore the predictable "I call bullshit" responses.

AuntieDee · 13/04/2015 11:25

HeyD - until you have lived with the fallout of incest, it's very easy to be flippant about it...

Jan45 · 13/04/2015 11:30

I am perplexed that some folk have to post how crap we all are at giving advice, why bother posting on a thread then?

it's naff all to do with MN, it's to do with a huge variety of people posting their opinions on a subject - we really don't know each other and are not in cahoots to drum out the same response, that's what is glorious about an online help forum, it's not biased at all, it's an open forum.

I just find these posts that go along the lines of......oh surprise, surprise the MN brigade are out in force, or I can't expect a reasonable debate on MN - why the fuck post in the first place then and your assumptions are all wrong, it's not a group mentality in it together, it's us as individuals giving our opinions, to a stranger, you can't get more diplomatic than that.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 11:34

Some posters seem able only able to add a comment slagging off other posters, with no actual attempt to suggest something constructive for the op

it's a strange phenomenon for sure

HeyDuggee · 13/04/2015 14:26

AuntieDee, it's very easy to be flippant when someone isn't listening to the OP and instead keeps pushing her agenda on her.

I'm very sorry what you went through. That said, your opinion appears to be that OP's husband will be doing the same. I strongly disagree. As so others. I will not be bullied or guilted into silence and will call you out on your projections.

HeyDuggee · 13/04/2015 14:29

I know what you mean AnyFucker. Like when the OP comes to a resolution and posters continue to have digs at her suggesting she's falling for her DH's lies. Isn't it ludicrous that a bunch of strangers can't accept the OP might know her DH better than they?

Jan45 · 13/04/2015 14:45

No, it's not having digs, it's expressing we don't believe he had DVDs in his basket cos he likes looking at the front of them without intending to buy, sorry but that's just not believable to most of us, if the OP chooses to believe him then that's her call.

HeyDuggee · 13/04/2015 15:28

Jan45, so you're the type of person who in RL would say to your friend (who confided in you what the OP said) after she's reached a decision... Bullshit! Your DH is lying!!

I don't believe you.

And I don't believe it's "expressing your opinion" to tell someone you don't know that you know her husband is lying even though she thinks he's not. That is the time to keep your opinions to yourself and should the OP return, support her then.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 16:42

HD, if I was in that situation and recounted OP's H's explanation of his behaviour to one of my friends I would actually expect them to say "does that seem plausible to you ?" (the more tactful ones) or "and you believed that bullshit?" from the more forthright ones that know me best

I wouldn't want the sort of friends that gave me a patronising pat on the head and a "there, there, you know him best, hun"

Fairenuff · 13/04/2015 17:12

how very convenient that every DVD cover has this type of image that suited him (and he hadn't read the words so had NO IDEA about the incest).

It does seem highly unlikely that he randomly selected pictures he liked out of the millions available and they were all about incest. So unlikely that it seems obvious to me that he is lying about this part.

I would want to know why he was lying. What is he trying to hide?

FeijoaSundae · 13/04/2015 19:49

And I don't believe it's "expressing your opinion" to tell someone you don't know that you know her husband is lying even though she thinks he's not. That is the time to keep your opinions to yourself and should the OP return, support her then.

It doesn't work like that, and you're naive if you think it does.

Yes, it would be nice if people could choose to be tactful in their delivery, but this is a worldwide, open forum with hundreds of thousands of members. When somebody posts about a relationship issue such as this, they're going to get responses. And people simply will not 'not post' when they see a blatant line of BS spun.

Calling an OP's partner on his or her blatant BS is actually far more helpful in the long run, than patting her soothingly on the head. It is always entirely up to the OP as to whether they heed it or not.

UnsolvedMystery · 13/04/2015 20:18

It does seem highly unlikely that he randomly selected pictures he liked out of the millions available and they were all about incest. So unlikely that it seems obvious to me that he is lying about this part.

No, he was scrolling through pictures and he picked out a few that he liked the look of. The title is completely irrelevant to the point of barely even noticing it.
I could easily scroll through a load of images and choose ones I found appealing without noticing any writing.

I suspect that the people calling bullshit have no experience of searching through erotic images for ones they like. It seems implausible because they can't relate to it.

Botanicbaby · 13/04/2015 23:00

Similarly those not calling BS seem to be projecting their own experiences of searching for erotic images. Which must take forever if they aren't using a specific theme/genre to find them.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that he is not just looking for older man/younger woman images. It's very telling that despite him not noticing the writing (yeah right) that 'incest' themes continually pop up & are bookmarked by him.

Agree with fairienuff, more to it. Then there's his blaming the OP for his behaviour Hmm

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 23:58

My sticking point on this one is the man saying, and the OP accepting, that he uses porn because she is not as available for sex as he thinks she should be. Unacceptable under any circumstances. Doubly so when she has 3 children under 5!

Jan45 · 14/04/2015 10:33

It seems implausible because common sense reigns.

Yes Hey, I do tell my pals my opinion but only if they ask for it, I don't tell them what they would like to hear, I tell them my honest take on the situation, that's what friends do.

UnsolvedMystery · 14/04/2015 15:20

Similarly those not calling BS seem to be projecting their own experiences of searching for erotic images. Which must take forever if they aren't using a specific theme/genre to find them.
Not projecting, using the experience of having done what he has done and knowing that what you call bullshit or implausible - is perfectly plausible and probably quite common.
You don't need to filter by genre, you can look through the latest additions or most popular or highest selling or a brand that has a layout that you like. Or you can just browse like you would on any website. You don't have to look through everything, you just start looking and click on things you like the look of.

he uses porn because she is not as available for sex as he thinks she should be
That's not what he said. He said that she was not as available for sex and he would like. He is allowed to want more sex than he is getting. He wasn't hassling her, he was sorting himself out.

Mummybabyboo · 14/04/2015 15:27

Before you kick him out make sure you have a lot of proof and evidence. He will go for court ordered contact and get it if you don't have absolute proof. Then you will be sending your kids to be alone with a man who has fantasies about children and incest!!

UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 15:30

Have I missed something here? Where did she say she was going to kick him out?

nauticant · 14/04/2015 15:52

To be honest not much of the thread was about what the OP said.

Mummybabyboo · 14/04/2015 16:00

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Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 16:08

Who knew there was a DVD equivalent of 'didn't inhale'?

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