to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

[BluebellBlues]

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

As a father, he is your daughter's model for what it means to be a man.

I'm sorry OP but I would be throwing him out.

The thing is, OP, that a lot of porn users do find odd things a turn on. But this is incredibly close to home. And as incest and paedophillia are illegal, it passes from taboo/fetish into breaking the law and possibly putting your dd at risk.

This isnt "my dh watches he/she porn", "my dh watched giant overweight women sit on men" - odd, but essentially harmless (in as harmless a way as porn can be, I know, harmless is the wrong word).

There are some very wise posters in relationships OP. Listen to them.

It all depends on the relationship you have with your husband and whether he is open and willing to move his fantasies onto a more appropriate area.

The facts are that porn blurs the boundaries between right and wrong and lowers inhibitions - study after study shows this. The point of barely legal porn is to be convincing and this does lead to men being inappropriate with younger women.

If I came on here and said my DH was wanking to barely legal pornography peoe would be very concerned as we're foster carers to teenage girls. It is not an appropriate thing to purchase or masturbate over.

If he's open to the idea then he should divert his attentions to more appropriate pornography, not ones that encourage him to blur the boundaries between legal and illegal.

I'm anti-porn and don't think there's such a thing as appropriate potnography but it's clear from your OP that you're ok with it, so I encourage you to get him to reflect on what might be more appropriate.

I'm surprised that anyone still buys DVDs in this day and age, when everything is freely available over the Internet. Does this possibly mean he has a stash hidden away somewhere? Any idea where? Might this reveal more of his 'tastes'?

I'm sure the responses to this thread are a little alarming for you to read, but this really does have potentially far-reaching ramifications.

You must talk to him soon.

Good post Laurie

There's a site for 'porn literature' - Literotica. There's a whole section on Incest/Taboo with a tagline of 'keep it in the family' I have two daughters and just the thought of even reading stories about the subject makes my skin crawl. Would never dream of opening that section, ugh.
OP, I think you really need to talk to your OH very soon and make it clear what your views are on the type of porn he's watching or buying.
Are they even legal?

I dont think 'throw him out' is helpful. knee jerk reactions are rarely the best ones I find.

laurie that's a useful post, thank you.

for a bit of backstory, DH is only 29, we've been together since we were 18 and 20 and we did do the whole dressing up school girl thing when were younger, neither of us found that weird but i was still a school girl at that point! all that side of things went by the wayside when we were expecting DC1!!

more i think about it, its the incest one that bothers me, not so much the 'barely legal' thing.

As a survivor of incest, this would be a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not generally anti-porn, and I do accept that people have fantasies that they would never carry out (or even find arousing outside of a very narrow window) but I would not be able to stomach this.

they are DVDs from a European site, not UK based - not sure if the rules are different. i dont know if he's actually bought them as the shopping cart wasn't checked out, maybe he was just browsing for images?

the way I've found out about it is when you open a new tab on the laptop it suggests sites that you use often and they've popped up on there - it only suggests the actual website, not the page you were on last time you visited and the sites do stock other more 'normal' porn too. its just that he had saved 4 DVDs (2 incest, 2 teens) into a shopping basket on one of the sites.

I don't think that being turned on by incest in the abstract necessarily means that he is interested in it in reality. I have certainly fantasised about things that I would hate in real life (nothing incest/paedophilia related thank god). And for eg rape fantasies are apparently common for women - which doesn't mean that loads of women 'want to be raped'.

I disagree that rape fantasies and incest porn are similar. There is a huge taboo in our society about sex with relatives and it's there for a very good reason. The responses on a recent thread about cousins marrying each other illustrates this perfectly. To seek out incest porn (is that even the right name for it?) means he has charged right through that barrier and I would be worried too.

Your op made me feel ill but that's because my father began abusing me and my sister from when we were about 11, he had an overly close relationship with us prior to that (she is much older than me and he repeated the same pattern). It coincided with onset of puberty.
If I was you I'd take my kids and run but that may be because of my past. I would be repulsed by him and never be able to trust him.

have just looked at the actual DVDs - they are stepdaughters and stepfathers not actual biologically related fathers and daughters.

I probably ought to add that I'm not saying rape porn is in any way acceptable, at least not to me. I'm just saying that incest has the added issue of being taboo as well, which makes it even more problematic to most of us. Literally too close to home.

have just looked at the actual DVDs - they are stepdaughters and stepfathers not actual biologically related fathers and daughters.

Well that's all right then.

It's not you know, as I'm sure the victims of step parents would happily tell you.

OP, I don't consider it your job to "guide" him into using more "appropriate" pornography

This is the man you married. He gets off on watching girls who look very young (it makes no difference to me how old they are in RL) get abused and raped on camera for his pleasure. I consider it to be rape because I don't accept the premise of consent freely given in this context.

I don't actually think for one minute your dd is in direct danger of being interfered with by him unless you have more worrying evidence of his behaviour you haven't documented here.

My main concern is how he views women generally and the entitlement he feels to overlook what kind of life situations bring an 18yo to the point that getting all of her orifices penetrated, damaged, risking STI's and future fertility for the benefit of his orgasm is seen as a valid "choice"

I have N/C too, as it is part of my job requirements that I protect my identity.

I work in child protection. Part of my job is assessing the ages of people in porn films to ascertain whether they are children or not. The types of film you mention are typically blatant adult, just like you assess then to be.

As for the psychological aspect of the father/daughter porn films - slightly trickier. Technically, in many countries, an adult relationship between an adult and their father is not illegal, particularly if it does not produce children. As they are developed adults, it is not pedophilic/hebopholic.

Whether his interest is in seeing a man of his age with a female of society's "ideal" figure (typically 18-25 of age, like you've observed) or he has a genuine interest in female children sexually, I can't assure you 100%. From my work experiences, I know that if someone wanted to find genuine child sexual abuse films ("child porn"/"kiddie porn" are incorrect terms fyi as they always feature abuse), they are disappointingly easy to find. It is best to focus that the key word in "barely legal" is legal. "Proper" porn sites have to ensure all performers are aged 18+, nowhere near your daughter's age.

I would recommend you do have that chat with him. He is going to feel very awkward, and that may make him evasive, but it is important you have a truthful conversation. My gut feeling is he is not an abuser.

In the event that he does have a sexual attraction to children, there is a charity that can support you, your family or him. They are called the Lucy Faithfull foundation. Their main aim is to prevent sexual harm to children, and to help people with sexual preferences for children to not act on them.
lucyfaithfull.org/

Good luck.

i didn't say it was alright, I'm just adding information as i find it.

have just gone rummaging and found his stash of magazines - ordered from abroad too but all 'mainstream' porn for want of a better word. nothing even remotely like this stuff. there isn't anywhere else he could hide stuff in our house, I've checked everywhere.

i will be talking to him tonight. just got to hold myself together until the DC are in bed.

Is he actually buying and watching or was he just browsing a site?

You're probably going to have to talk to him or it'll chew you up from the inside.

Forgot to say that contacting NSPCC too is a good shout.

And most importantly, if you have any doubts whatsoever about the safety of your child, protect her. It is better to be wrong than to allow abuse to happen.

thank you thebackofmyhands that is a really helpful post.

having looked more closely at the DVDs he has selected - they are clearly early twenties acting a part, they dont even look that close to 18 to be honest.

there is absolutely nothing i can find in the house or on the computer that indicates any interest in children. and in all the time i have been quietly monitoring what he looks at (via the 'most used websites' screen) this is the first time i have ever found anything other than regular run of the mill porn images.

there is absolutely no indications in his behaviour towards me or DD that he is anything other than a good guy.

AF i dont really think he would think about it that way - its just images to get off on, i dont think he thinks about why an 18 yr old would be making porn to be honest.

i was thinking of just saying 'it appears you haven't been a thorough as usual with the internet history. anything you want to say?' and see what he does.

gamer - we have a couple of porn dvds somewhere from our younger days. as far as i can see he hasn't bought any of these, and i haven't found any DVDs in the house. hiding places are limited!!

if he "doesn't think about it" does he deserve to be the father of a daughter ?

ignorance is a poor defence

especially when choosing to remain ignorant means both you and your wife get to excuse your questionable behaviour

well we watched some porn together in the past and I never spent any time thinking about what lead any of the 'performers' to their line of work. never occurred to me to think about it tbh.