to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

[BluebellBlues]

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

Ok, those things are horrible i agree. But you could be jumpting to conclusions along with many on here.

Both DP and myself used to watch porn regularly on the laptop. We don't watch it anymore for several reasons, one of those reasons was those sort of pop ups and adverts on the side. I can promise you both me and DP NEVER clicked on any of them, they are just there.

For that reason i would not jump to the conclusion that your DP has been looking at that sort of thing. Its justthat sadly, if you look at porn, that sort of thing is advertise, so are adult dating sites and even grab a granny sites. As I say, it was one of (but not all) of the reasons that DP and myself made the decisions (quite separately from each other interestingly) that internet porn is realy a crock of shit and to be avoided.

TheoriginalLEM - The OP's husband had the DVD in an unchecked out basket. That's not accidental.

some more helpful posts, thank you.

i am obviously taking in to account what i know of my DH, we have been together a long time and never even had a slight rocky patch in that time. other than this moment now, our relationship has been solid, wonderful, i couldn't fault it. so if it feels like I'm 'backpeddaling to excuse DH' its not that, its just I'm not judging him on this sole incident.

i have to say i have realised through this thread that i hadn't noticed that my feelings towards porn have changed since having the children. obviously i knew we didn't use it as a couple anymore and that sex was less frequent and less adventourous, but i think i assumed that was just a result of the effects of having DC, i hadn't realised that my perception of sex and porn had change until this thread.

following that logic i can actually see mal's point that he just hasn't made the connection as to what has changed and why he should feel differently about it. that he doesn't equate baby DD with the young woman she will become.

i think i agree that i don't want porn in the house, that things should be different now we have the DC to consider. i am hoping that when confronted with it all and when its pointed out what he is actually doing he will get a reality check and we will be able to work out a way forwards. i intend to suggest councilling to him.

But even if you do talk to him, and he says all the right things, how do you know he is telling the truth. How do you trust him again, or even bring yourself to have sex with him after this? You seem to be taking the blame yourself - he has less sex with you so does this instead, like that makes it ok and it is understandable?

He will prob continue doing it but will cover his tracks better. And you will become more and more paranoid as time passes by.

You do actually have a right OP to make it clear to him that you don't want porn in your home, esp with kids around - if he can't give it up then I think he really has a serious problem, he seems to be spending a fair bit of time on websites and buying DVDs.........

..........how do you feel about him getting aroused by women (or barely legal) on film, does it not affect your sex life at all, it would mine. If you are not feeling very sexy and not that happy with your body I'd imagine this sort of thing will bring down your self esteem further.

I didn't read that mystic, its not apparent from the OP, yes that would be quite different.

But with the benefit of the doubt, there really is some very dodgy stuff that comes up on porn websites.

Was it one of these OP? PornHub? X-hamster? I can't remember the other one but suffice to say that these websites and conversations on here have totally changed my attitudes to porn, it simply isn't very nice. Both of those sites will have pop ups for "barely legal" and other unpleasant shit.

I am not defending the OP's DH and i think that it is extremely worrying that all of this is accessible at the push of a button. I worry about young peoples perception of how sex should be? I worry that teenagers think that anal sex is actually the norm. I worry about the women in the films, have they consented, and if so, why? But that is a different thread. The question here is, has he deliberately engaged in these things. If they are in a basket with an intention to purchase then yes, i would have a massive problem with it, but if they are pop ups, then i would say there is a good chance he hasn't actually looked at them.

ok i accept that some people view all porn as wrong for a myriad of reasons. however that is not my view and therefore it doesn't help with the situation.

I think it's worth you exploring your beliefs around porn because you also seem to be under the impression that porn use is inevitable or should be tolerated when you don't want to have sex (e.g. around giving birth) or when a man wants to have an orgasm. Neither of these are true.

Stick to your guns OP & try to ignore the hysteria, you seem to have a realistic & measured approach.

Some people are only too happy to lump anyone that watches Porn into the potential abuser camp without taking into account that most people watch it without even thinking about the performers CV, life story etc.

And some people confuse "tasteless" with "illegal"....

Good Luck!

Should clarify that I meant "most people that watch porn" - not that most people watch porn...

x-post with a few.

Jayne thank you for sharing, that is encouraging that all is not lost and that if he wants to he can change this behaviour.

cherry its not so much that I'm saying i drove him to it, but i understand he must be frustrated and looking for release as our sex life is so different now and I'm 4 stone heavier than i was (a work in progress that i am slowly addressing). i guess i know I'm not the woman he married in that sense.

LEM no, these are European sites, he has clearly searched for these genres not happened across them.

jan you're right, it doesn't help my self esteem at all!

cashew thank you for your post, its helpful to hear from people who deal with these sorts of topic for work.

this happened with with a family's ex husband, but he was caught by an undercover cop pretending to be underage online. he asked her to meet her.

the mom says "but he was talking to an older woman!! (which is true) maybe he knew she was older by their conversation"

He was arrested anyway even though he never acted on underage in his life that anyone is aware of.

Men themselves confess that they being watching what could be considered mild porn, before progressing to harder porn, and finally child porn. They keep looking for a fix and once they've exhausted all the BDSM porn the next step for them is child porn.
That's just nonsense. There are some men, who already have an unhealthy interest in children, who might go down this route, but this is NOT what happens to most men & women when they have an interest in porn. The notion that the next step on from BDSM is child abuse is completely absurd.

He enjoys seeing images of 'young' girls being raped and abused.
No he doesn't. He is not watching a portrayal of young girls being raped and abused. He is watching a portrayal of women role playing consensual sex with men role playing the part of their step father. You can argue that the women are coerced in reality, but that is not what is turning him on.
What turns him on is completely legal unrelated adults having consensual sex.
That would not worry me in the slightest, but I would talk to him about it. I think it will probably put your mind at rest.

I don't think he has ever made any connection between the porn he's watched and his role as a father to a young girl, because he doesn't see his daughter as remotely sexual. He would probably be horrified by the connection.

Unsolved you don't know the man. You can't assume that at all.

I also take issue with the BDSM/child porn comparison. I used to watch BDSM porn, in fact it was the only porn i did watch. To suggest that it was one step away from child porn is beyond disgusting.

As i said, i no longer watch any sort of porn, principally because i can't be sure of consent or coersion. I have to say that no-where on any of the bdsm sites i have looked at has there been links to "barely legal" stuff, they tend to pop up on the general sites.

OP, I have a straightforward question - are your older DC boys?

I agree unsolved. OP talk to him. I'm sure unsolveds last sentence is exactly right. He hasn't watched child images; he's watched consenting adults.

wow - lots of reasoned discussion here - NOT. ignore the hysteria and the knee jerk reactions OP. you will never get a reasonable response about porn on MN.

from what you have written you seem to have a good open relationship with your DH and you are able to speak about most things. given you have had a good search of the house and the computer you have found he has done nothing illegal so that's all good.

he might have put these things in a basket but he hasn't bought them, he hasn't followed through which suggests he doesn't want to watch them - if he was going to watch them though why not just watch them online - buying stuff like that makes no sense nowadays because its so easy to get it online if that's what you want.

as for watching porn - its not illegal - lots of people with kids watch it, lots of people make their own - most kids aren't in danger from what their parents do in their own privacy. if your OK with your DH using it that's all that matters - not the opinions of strangers on the net.

"He is watching a portrayal of women role playing consensual sex with men role playing the part of their step father"

And that doesn't turn him off? If a 20-something years old woman decided to pretend she is 14 in role playing, I would question him seriously on why it doesn't bother him.

MrsFlannel, you are right, none of us know the OP or her DH.

The consensus is that the viewing is totally inappropriate and a full and frank conversation is needed.

Yes peggy MN is the last place I'd ask for advice about porn issues. Hysteria at its best.

Good luck sorting through the rational posts OP.

Unsolved, I think I tend to agree with you here. Talk to him, OP.

And good point, Bowlersarm

Should clarify that I meant "most people that watch porn" - not that most people watch porn...

Good, we don't all feel the need to watch porn regularly, if at all, esp when having sex with a partner.

OP, you should tell him that it makes you feel unloved, and un-attractive, it would for me for sure - sounds like you have a good relationship so your feelings are more important than some bloody dirty DVD surely. I get he needs to get his rocks off but he's going a bit over the line here.

Imagine if women were sitting pleasuring themselves in front of the computer in the evening, I bet the men would sit up and notice - sorry but I just can't help but feel a guy who is watching porn regularly to the extent of purchasing DVDs is really just being a bit selfish and totally inconsiderate of their partner, if it's a thing a couple do together, I think that is far more healthier, and fair.

OP, you have a consensus that it is NOT good...

There is divided opinion about how to proceed.

Could you put the computer in a 'safe place', then ask your H as I suggested above

(ie how does he compute the type of porn he is now looking at with being a father to a young dd)

and watch his reaction VERY VERY carefully...

Shock / upset / not thinking is one thing, denial / defensive / angry is another.

If you get the 2nd reaction and feel you need to take it further, you have the pc (and it's search history) in your possession should you feel you need it.

OP, you have a consensus that it is NOT good.

No she doesn't. As with the vast majority of threads, there are different opinions.