to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

[BluebellBlues]

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

thanks for the posts - i have to say i am filtering out any that mention police or SS or that my DH likes watching rape as OTT but there are some very helpful replies amongst them.

oxford my other two are boys yes, one older, one younger than DD. Why?

i am tempted to ask him what he would think if i told him i had been watching mother/son porn.

I don't think he has ever made any connection between the porn he's watched and his role as a father to a young girl, because he doesn't see his daughter as remotely sexual. He would probably be horrified by the connection. i really hope this is the case!

I think its really sad as well as incredibly naive to judge people on their private sexual thoughts. Ones that are very very common, amongst both men and women. Perfectly normal, every day, men and women have all kinds of sexual thoughts and fantasies and it has nothing at all to do with our actions in real life.
A lot of people explore taboo ideas in their sexual thoughts. There is nothing weird about it, a huge numbre of people do it, and it does not in anyway make them perverts or weirdos, or a danger to their children.

I can't believe so many people think so little of their partners, the other parent of their children, to think that watching the odd porno with adult actors roleplaying common fantasies makes them a danger to their children.
This shows a total lack of understanding of human sexuality as well as a rather twisted view of their own personal relationships.

Yes SS and Police is just ridiculous.

You say you have accepted his porn use due to you not being in the mood so much and you try not to think about it, it still makes you feel uncomfortable and this new revelation is making you feel even more uncomfortable - and quite rightly too.

Perhaps you do need to keep an eye on what he is watching rather than just pretending you don't know about it.........it all sounds a wee bit sad OP, I don't like the sound of anything that is kept hidden from a partner.

Perhaps he doesn't see a connection with his own relationship with his daughters, but you do and it wouldn't sit well with a lot of women.

Also, do you not think this habit is eroding the sex life he should actually be investing in with you?

madreloco, I wish I could have articulated it as well as you. Threads like like tend to really polarise opinion, people sometimes have a visceral reaction to porn.

This shows a total lack of understanding of human sexuality as well as a rather twisted view of their own personal relationships.

This statement alone just shows your post has FA credibility, what a stupid thing to say.

Please explain why it is a "stupid thing to say". Rather pointless as a rebuttal without further information.

Because I am one of those people who actually has sex with another human being, not a computer screen, that makes me twisted and lacking in understanding of human sexuality - aye, ok then.

Madreloco has a point. Has anyone read the books by Nancy Friday? They were all varied. From the very ordinary to the very extreme. I too have had fantasies which I would not want to do in real life, ever! I'm sure that doesn't make me a perverted freak who is a danger to my children.

Ok uncertain so not a 'consensus' but a good majority probably and the OP herself has said she is uncomfortable so maybe that's the point?

He may well not have made the connection, between the inappropriateness of being a family man and watching porn that distorts healthy family relationships - but he needs to.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Good luck with speaking to him.x

Fantasies, your own imagination are great, we're not really disputing that here.

I don't see the point in just talking to him, it will achieve nothing. He will just say it's a innocent fantasy, he would never act on it, the thought horrifies him, etc.

What do you expect him to say, yeah I like the idea of men shagging children, particularly their own, it turns me on. He isn't going to say that is he.

think that watching the odd porno with adult actors roleplaying common fantasies makes them a danger to their children

there is no way of validating that the actors are adult nor that they are role playing in every case. So the above statement is making a simplistic assumption which sanitises an industry that I can't imagine anyone wanting their DCs to be involved in, nor to experience second hand in their home. What if bluebells DC were to come across his "stash". He seems a heavy user to me.

That is the dilemma for you bluebell, having to reconcile your DHs dark side with his role as a father.

You are doing the right thing by escalating this with your DH. Hopefully he will respond in a way that shows his priority is towards you and your DC. Currently he seems to have forgotten everything other than himself.

fairenuff no, but i have known him a long time, his reaction will tell me what i want to know, he is an awful liar when asked outright about things, if he tries to pretend to me, i will know. I'm not stupid.

daisy i don't know what constitutes a heavy user but i would guess he is using online about 2-3 a month? he has some mags (6 of them) which obviously i cant know how often he uses.

think that watching the odd porno with adult actors roleplaying common fantasies makes them a danger to their children

You don't know they are adults or even consensual, the industry is rife with abuse simple as that, people who try to justify it as a legit and okay thing to indulge in are just perpetuating the bloody use of it.

It's like folk who drink a lot of alcohol and think it's okay for people to have drink habits, they only think that cos they are indulging themselves, doesn't make drink or indeed porn any less harmful by saying it's legal and the best one: all men do it - no they bloody do not, esp under age and incest type porn in a house full of small kids.

There is so much overreaction here. What he's watching is legal, and a fairly common fetish (the 'hot girl in school uniform' kink is hardly new or shocking). The stepdaughter one is a bit more sinister, I'll grant you that.

Is there another common denominator here? Maybe he's just searched the films of his favourite pornstar, and the themes aren't as important to him? Does he have a favourite style (ie POV) and he's picked the DVDs because of that maybe?

For what it's worth, I have no problem with my OH using porn, but would have to have a conversation with him if I found daddy daughter stuff.

Jan45, you're using your own view of porn to beat the OPs husband with. How is that helpful?

I am not going to pretend that I think it's okay because I find the porn industry abhorrent, of course that is going to cloud my view of his habit.

The OP has already said she doesn't know how often for sure he is using porn cos they don't discuss it, she's only just found out about the content of his latest buy and feels uncomfortable about it, just like she has said she actually feels uncomfortable about him using porn per se.

Do you seriously think a person who doesn't indulge in porn and esp that type of porn is going to be comfortable knowing DVDs are in the home and within reach of their four children, really?

I was ten when I found my dad's porn stash and he had incest porn. Hopefully your DH will stop before that point

"In many of the videos, the performer playing the daughter/stepdaughter appears very willing to have sex with the father figure - this can be part of the attraction to the film"

Of course they do- they wouldn't have got the job otherwise!

There is nothing at all wrong with OP telling her husband she has a problem with the porn, that it makes her uncomfortable or whatever her feelings are on the matter. Talking about it properly and trying to resolve it to both parties satisfaction is the healthy thing to do.
Thats what I would do, I wouldn't want it in my house at all (don't mistake understanding porn use for condoning it).
However that is a very very long way from the extreme over-reactions evidenced on this thread which range from the unfair to the bizarre.

Sorry, after learning about child molestions from my extended family, and some from my friends, I do think this is crossing the line.

I think these types of films are commonly viewed by quite a lot of men, judging by the tearful phonecalls I've had over the years from my friends who have discovered their boyfriend or partner's porn stash (or online habits). About half my friends have found stuff like this and been upset, so it's an extremely common scenario.

When I say 'stuff like this', I have been quite surprised over the years as well by the type of stuff selected, as many times it has included barely legal stuff, also bestiality, all kinds of things.

Some men may be deliberately searching for exactly what they know they like (and I agree that if they were into children, they would be searching for children, everyone knows barely legal aren't children but attractive 18 year olds). Others seem to have more of a scattergun approach- perhaps he thought those DVDs would be interesting (in a taboo, attracted to the forbidden kind of a way) but if he'd actually got them, wouldn't have been his thing at all.

In other words, I think it's different to find a stash of very similar, categorised things that suggests a very particular fetish or abusive nature, than find interest in the odd taboo video which may or may not be part of a wider issue.

I would be looking to see what he had to say for himself, I would be saying a lot myself and then I would be looking to his behaviour for any 'doubts' in the future.

I wouldn't be going to the police, absolutely not a police matter, or indeed a matter for any other agencies (as things stand), but I would be disturbed.

It is possible for things to be thrilling and sexually exciting, without ever remotely connecting that with your own life or own actions, though.

OP, I asked if your eldest two are boys because as soon as I read what you'd written, I just knew they would be. Do you not anything sinister in him starting to get into incest porn once he's had a daughter?! He has sons - no incest porn. Has a daughter - seeks out incest porn where daughters want to fuck their (step) fathers! How can that not utterly terrify you?!

Forget all the smoke and mirrors about the actresses being over 18, that stuff is produced for paedophiles to get their kicks whilst not technically breaking any laws. The stepfather aspect makes it no less dodgy either.

Regardless of your children, this is a man who seeks out sexual satisfaction from the concept of, and the simulation of incest. That the (step) daughter characters are doing it consensually is as creepy as if they weren't - paedophiles convince themselves that children 'want' it too.

Fantasies are completely different from this, it is disingenous and stupid to suggest so. This man is aroused by the thought of men having sex with their (step) daughters. That is repulsive and scary, and, I'll tell you, OP, if you were someone I knew in RL and you told me this, I'd ring Social Services.

I would be very concerned by him looking for father - daughter 'relations'
I don't think it would matter to me if you thought your DD was in danger from him, any decent parent would find the very thought of such relations abhorrent and certainly not looking at porn on that subject.

I'm sorry you are in this position and hope your DH has a genuine reason, not an excuse, for why he was looking at it. Mention a mate of his who has a young DD and ask what he would think of his mate if he found he was looking at incest porn and then ask him how he thinks you felt when you discovered it.

OxfordBags, that's a ridiculous extrapolation, and a good example why it's impossible to have a reasoned discussion about porn on MN.