Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think this is inappropriate of DH to watch

339 replies

BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 08:44

N/C for obvious reasons.

DH and I have a good marriage, very happy, no issues to speak of really. we have 3DC under 5. Since having the DC my sex drive has dropped and never come back to what it was pre-DC - I'm just so tired all the time, find it hard to stop being 'mummy' and become 'sexy wife' as soon as the DC are asleep, plus I'm not happy with my figure since the DC - the usual reasons I guess!

I know that my DH uses/watches porn, I made my peace with that once I realised that a) I couldn't face sex as often as he would want and b) although I don't use porn imagery myself I have a couple of semi-erotic (to me rather than to the general population I guess) novels that I enjoy and my imagination fills in the rest. so I got over the fact DH uses porn and just try not to think about it. I dont think DH knows that I know, as he clears the internet search histories.

on to the issue. I have discovered this morning that he has been looking at DVDs and websites who focus on 'barely legal' looking girls and had 'checkout baskets' with DVDs called 'But he's my father'. the 'barely legal' is a bit off to me but the girls are clearly late teens/early twenties playing the part so I think I could get over that. it's the 'father/daughter' ones that have made me feel a bit ill - we have a DD who is 3.

to be clear the DVDs are very clearly adult women with older looking men, there is NOTHING in anyway that I've found that goes near any form of children/childs images. but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

basically AIBU to think this is innapropriate, especially considering we have a DD? Would you think this is an indication of a deeper issue or just another fantasy thing that doesn't relate to the real world at all and DH probably doesn't even see the connection?

I know I'm going to have to talk to DH but I dont know where to start!

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 09/04/2015 10:28

I don't think the barely legal porn would bother me that much. It's probably just fantasy.

But the other sort that you found.... Yes that would definitely be an issue for me! It's not on.

I would speak to him. Tell him that watching porn isn't the issue but it's the type of porn that is.

This would seriously make me feel uncomfortable, so you're not alone.

Original poster
BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 10:31

Jackie i can do that. he obviously cant download/search anything on his work computer or his work phone. the computer i found this on is 'my' computer. as in the one i usually use that is set up permanently in the lounge. it would be very easy to stop him using it, i just have to take the laptop to bed with me!

god i am not looking forward to this conversation.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/04/2015 10:32

All anyone can say is to speak to him op. Flowers
Explain that it's a line you don't want him to cross. It affects how you see h. Doesn't it affect how he sees himself?

Sex crimes falling off a cliff? Eh? On the radio yesterday they were saying that is the crime area rising most.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 10:38

when you get to the point of considering confiscating the laptop so he won't use the type of porn you personally have a problem with I am not sure where that leaves any trust or respect in a relationship

Jan45 · 09/04/2015 10:42

Straight porn - is there such a thing, most porn on the internet is depraved, aggressive, co-erced, abusive..........the list goes on, very rarely is it purely based on pleasure, esp for the women involved. It's all that is wrong with today's society, the availability of it and the fucked up messages it sends out to our young people.

Yeah, I'm not a porn fan, I prefer to put my energies into real life sexual relationships...........men with porn habits are a massive turn off.

CrispyFern · 09/04/2015 10:46

Personally I would never be able to enjoy sex with a man if I knew he fantasised about having sex with barely legal stepdaughters. It makes me feel sick, the idea of it.
But perhaps I am strange or too sensitive.

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 11:01

OP before you have the conversation with him why not pop the computer down to the police station and ask them to check it for you. Tell them you suspect your dh has an interest in underage sex, specifically father/daughter sex and ask them to check for illegal images.

If it comes back clean you can have that chat with him. If not you can bypass the chat and just tell him to move out.

It will put your mind at rest either way.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/04/2015 11:02

OP if you are that OK with him watching porn, why do you do so much checking up on it?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/04/2015 11:04

Good suggestipn from Fair

warysara · 09/04/2015 11:09

I don't really understand the 'get the Police involved' statements on here. A complete waste of Police time. Talk to him, tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and if it continues then you have to make a decision.

wonderingsoul · 09/04/2015 11:15

that is the most ott comment ever fair....

other then being wasting time..and its not as simple as handitmg the computer over them being oh ok and you picking it up 30 minutes later... they just won't do it with such little evidence and legal evidence to.... plus itd take weeks and weeks for it to be looked at and done...

and what happens when and I suspect hes not a abuser just hasnt really thought it through... itd spell the end of their relationship....

its just an knee jerk reaction reply and a stupid one at that imo.

dominogocatgo · 09/04/2015 11:17

Sounds like we're talking about porn made by adults pretending to be related.

Original poster
BluebellBlues · 09/04/2015 11:17

Confused you expect me to get the police involved after finding one website?? really??

I don't check up on him really Ithinkivebeenhacked as I explained upthread it pops up in the 'suggested websites' when I open a new tab. DH obviously doesn't know it does this or he would have wiped that too.

OP posts:
fedup2015 · 09/04/2015 11:26

That's repulsive. If he's turned on by things like that then you have a right to worry.

I've never understood why barely legal port and anything that imitates paedophilia is legal

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 11:28

Ew. If you're comfortable with it OP I'd just watch your boundaries in the future that's all.

PreviouslyMal · 09/04/2015 11:30

I'm firmly anti the porn industry, but, in this particular situation it seems that a young man who has a DD he probably still views as a " baby" has not made any connection between the porn he is consuming and the fact that the young women in the films are acting younger, I imagine the vast majority of people give no thought to the ethics of "legal" porn.
It would be far more worrying if he was in his forties with a teenage daughter.
I would be talking to him about your reaction to what you found and the fact that your DD will be a teenager in the not too distant future. If he's anything other than horrified when the penny drops, then is the time for action.

MrsFlannel · 09/04/2015 11:31

Mal I fail to see that really. My DH's attitude changed enormously as soon as our DDs were born.

PurpleSwift · 09/04/2015 11:34

I think its unusual for a normal man to be interested in such things. He either has a real dark side to him and you need to get rid asap or he has a real issue with porn. People with porn problems tend to seek out more and more hardcore and taboo porn as the mainstream stuff becomes less engaging for them, in which case he needs serious help.

PreviouslyMal · 09/04/2015 11:35

Perhaps he has more emotional maturity and intelligence than OP's partner?

popalot · 09/04/2015 11:40

You're upset by it for a reason: it is not right. He should not be fantasising about incest when he has a daughter (or step incest. Which is just as bad). Like backofhands I don't think it necessarily means he will go down that path, but any reasonable human being would question it and say it wasn't right. You should confront him and tell him you don't want any of that in your house. But the question is: will he listen or will he just become more secretive? How are you going to know what he is watching? The whole porn thing has got out of control and he needs to reign the whole thing in.

On porn overuse in general the only experience I've had is one bf who liked it alot, but he had been abused as a youngster and was confused sexually. He used to leave it in the dvd player and I found it offensive. The other user liked school girl stuff and he was abusive. I don't think porn is harmless. It is men acting out power fantasies about controlling younger, vulnerable women.

So, defo have the conversation about the genre of porn but ask yourself if you want any of it in the house when you have a daughter.

wonderingsoul · 09/04/2015 11:41

op ignore the comments which suggest your dh is a pedo or likes abuse.. they come from a veiw point that porn is abuse.. no matter what it is.

I agree it would not sit well for me ether but I homeslty thing the only rhing you can do for now is talk to him, and see what he says and hopefully have a open and honest talk about it. and only then you can decided what to do.

cashewnutty · 09/04/2015 11:43

I work in child protection and deal with families where someone (usually male) has been viewing illegal images of children.

My view here is that, at this moment, your DD is not at any risk of harm from your DH. My concern would be that he is escalating the types pf images he is viewing from mainstream porn to one which implies younger participants. The concern is that this might escalate further until he is viewing illegal images of children.

What is would say is that not all men who view the type of porn you DH views escalate to viewing children but he could. If this happens then i would consider him to be a risk to your DD.

You need to have a conversation with your DH now to find out why he views this type of porn and what he gets from it that he was missing from mainstream porn.

Right now the police and SW/NSPCC will not be interested. He is doing nothing illegal. What you really don't want is the police knocking at your door because they have found out he is viewing illegal images of children.

Good luck OP.

Bowlersarm · 09/04/2015 11:44

Bloody hell if my Dh 'popped' my iPad down to the police station for checking, it would be me leaving him, no questions asked. Totally over the top reaction.

mysticpizza · 09/04/2015 11:44

I'm at a loss as to what he could possibly say that would make this all right or allow me to trust him round my child ever again.

Jayne35 · 09/04/2015 11:45

I also think the contact police comment is ott. All you can do is speak to your DH and tell him you don't feel comfortable with what he is watching. Hopefully he will stop watching it.

My DH had a heavy porn use habit which nearly broke us up but he has reigned it in so imo it is possible to change. Good luck OP.