my mum has poisoned my son

[mumto3beautys]

hi ladies I had a thread re this a long while ago but can't remember my log in so had to start again name wise

bit of background....my mum is obsessed with my son always has been and wants him to live with her I have 2 daughters too but she is not interested in them
a while back she was making false allegations about me to social services only regarding my son not my daughters..ludicrous things like I don't feed him only the girls and I emotionally abuse him ( not sure how )
we went nc with her for a few weeks and with social services advise I have gradually reintegrated her into the kids lives , she is very manipulative though and has made my son think that if an adult does something he doesnt like he can get them into trouble back by making an allegation about them...I am not the only person he has said false things about he's done it to teachers too and said they've hit him which is obviously false but his way of getting adults back now
the situation now is he went to stay at my mums sat night and she hasnt returned him, my son has a social worker now and he has been to see him in school after talking to my mum and she said hes not safe as a while back apparently I grabbed him round the throat!!! this NEVER happened but when he was asked he said yeah so she must have told him to say that :(
even after saying this happened he still said he wanted to come home tonight and I wanted him home but the social worker says due to my mums allegation ( the argument she is talking about she wasnt even present at and was verbal NOT physical ) but that he said yeah it did they dont think he should come back...yet.
I dont know what this means?? I need him home every day spent with her is obviously another day of her poisoning his mind and I thought she had stopped and learnt her lesson after I went nc
its strange how she makes out he's in so much danger with me but my girls are fine?
I don't know what to do my mum won't even let me speak to him and obviously social services are starting to believe her crap or she's managed to get my son to lie now too
pls help me

Glad your getting legal advice - you should also take this before you go around recording conversations, as some pp have suggested, as it's not that simple or legally permitted

I understand you want to see someone take your concerns about your mum seriously but right now your son has to be your focus. Log all the incidents and evidence somewhere, but don't waste your energy right now on pursuing a professional complaint. You can turn to that in due course, but at the moment it's a distraction from getting the help you and your son need.

How are your daughters doing? Who's looking out for them?

its illegal to record a conversation without telling the person 1st you are recording them ( hence why when u phone gas/electric etc it says the call is being recorded for legal purposes ) if I did record her which believe me I would love to do it would not be able to be used as evidence
I'm writing a timeline as we speak but dont feel like we should have to up and move due to her craziness!
I am hoping I can get some kind of non mol/ restraining order against her ( thats why I'm escalating at work as I work for the police ) its not a distraction it may be the only way I'm taken seriously
my daughters are ok and doing well and pleased to see thier brother

Apparently, you fear your mom less than SS . So is the real issue is his behavior? Is that why you did not minded him staying with your mom? Because what she/he said, there some truth to it?

Is that's the case, then counseling for both of you.

right.....where did I say I fear my mum less than ss???? I said I didnt want him to go into foster care to teach him a lesson! my son isnt with my mum hes here!!!
plus there is NO truth to what he/she is saying....You clearly havent read the thread have you?

and AGAIN he only stayed one night with my mum as part of this reintegration into his life ( as he would like to see her ) I'm not sure how many times ive said that in this thread but its LOTS!

yeah I will do that re her calls or just ignore them and she will have to text....
I will not uproot my whole family take them out of school away from thier friends and thier dad just coz she goes nuts when she doesnt get her own way
I will enquire at work tomorrow re the non mol order and then obv if she breaks that there will be legal consequences for her

It's not illegal to record a conversation with your own child. Simply have a chat with him, don't put words into his mouth but get it as evidence thar you haven't harmed him and maybe quiz him as to what his grandma does and says about it all. Show it to SS and demand they take you seriously. Ask for counselling for your son and support in an order to protect your son as she is manipulating him and ruining his life. She sounds very strange, it's like she's been a bunny boiler over a child.. very concerning.

Honestly if you sit back and hope this gets better it won't, I know of a child who started off like this and now ever time he can't have his own way he tells the school his mum has harmed him. SS are involved and she can't even have a relationship as the child lies that the new partner has hurt him too!

Have you heard from your mother tonight op?
Do you have plans as to how you will deal with the situation should she turn up?

Personally I wouldn't suggest you record anyone. It doesn't sit right with me and I can imagine if you try to play a recording of your son to ss that they will be slightly concerned about how that conversation came about.
Your son is a child and should be kept protected from it all as far as possible. I would encourage him to talk to his social worker. If you have real concerns about his social worker then contact the manager to request a new one, but they don't have to do that just to warn you.

she did turn up and knocked on the door...I had already sent a text saying he would be staying here and I would inform ss of this....
anyway she didnt make as much fuss as I thought obviously we didnt answer the door and ive had a few missed calls but no msgs....yet

If you've got to this point with her, and it's only months since your last major hassle with her, it seems like it's at the point where to stay is going to cause a whole lot more damage than uprooting the children from friends and moving. Preferably a very long way off, and starting again where 'd'm is going to struggle to find you or manage her harassment.

Excellent news. Well done for taking control of the situation!
Now tomorrow is the time to contact ss and explain why you've done it. I would encourage you to keep the conversation centered on your son and his needs and not your mother and what she's done. Hope you had a good evening with your son, bet he is glad to be home!

I havent had an order to keep her away from us before....

he is glad to be home yes thank you and we are very glad to have him back I just worry what crap this will cause with ss in the morning as I went against their advice....

You were protecting your son though. You're focused on working with them for him but feel that he shouldn't be staying with her.
They will listen and work with you, as long as they can see that you're engaging with them.
Try not to panic about it tonight.
I would call the school in the morning and make it very clear that your mother is not allowed to collect him from school. The only person with PR here is you (and possibly his Dad)

I know what ur saying....its still worrying though we have had a really bad experience in our family with ss before and I have no trust in them
before anyone jumps to any conclusions no we did NOT do anything wrong.....it was an awful situation that ended up with an apology from ss that meant nothing after the hell we went through

I completely understand, even without that previous experience it's still incredibly worrying for you.
The only way through all of this is to work with them for your son. And if you're not happy then question it.
Is your son on a CP plan?

Hi mumto3. I've had experience of social work in the past, and just about wrecked myself trying to follow the advice they gave me, the advice CAMHS were giving me, the advice the hospital consultant was giving me etc etc.

I raised an official complaint eventually after they almost destroyed my family (not hyperbole or exaggeration) and the wonderful comment I got back was 'it was only advice - you are the parent and have to decide which advice to follow and which to ignore'. You are in this situation regarding your mother. They are advising them to let your son see her and have a relationship with her, but as a parent, you get to decide if that advice is worth heeding or not.

I know you don't want to hear it, but could you just look at the steps involved in moving away? You don't have to do it all right away, but how about even thinking about somewhere you've always fancied going but never thought possible? Theoretically how long would it take to pack your home? Theoretically how hard/easy is it to get a decent school place in the area you've thought of? Just looking at things doesn't mean it's happening, but it could make you feel a little less daunted by the idea.

I really hope you get somewhere with your meeting tomorrow, but please don't rely on it alone to sort your mother out. It won't. Nothing will ever sort your mother out apart from you making yourself and your boy totally unavailable for bullying and abuse.

What have social services said about your son's violence against you?

What is their plan for dealing with that?

How long is the wait for CAMHS in your area?

When did you get the referral in?

What is your plan for dealing with a violent 11yo?

I get the mum stuff, yeah, yeah, keep going with all that. But you seem to be using it to minimise your parenting issues, and his violence and behaviour. In fact, you don't seem to be asking for ANY help with the primary issue - the relationship between you andyour son.

Those issues aren't going to disappear because you are nc with your mum.

They are the issues you need to be getting advice with.

@docmcstuffins ... thank you :) and ur username really made me smile btw as doc mcstuffins is all my 2 yr old goes on about lol...
if I did move it would be back home to my dads ( but not actually in with him ) but again v.daunting idea and one I cant seem to face atm with everything else going on
my friend said tonight if this was your husband we were talking about it would be classed as domestic abuse and you would legally have grounds for police to get invoved on this basis its a shame there is no domestic abuse as such charge for toxic mothers....I dont think anyway...I will enquire at work lol
my manager thinks I may be able to get some kind of harrasment charge/order against her though so for now that is the best I can hope for to keep her away from me and the children.....

right....my son has been told by social services that his violence to me is not acceptable and at 11 he could be legally held accountable if he injures me
the school nurse has made the referral to cahms last week she said he should be able to get an appt soon whatever that means I will check
ss have said they will do some intensive work with him about when no means no and how to deal with his frustration/anger/disappointment if things dont go his way or he feels hard done by when told off
as for parenting goes I am doing the best I can in a very difficult situation ( without the mum thing ) and just trying to keep things from flaring up and protect my daughters from seeing his kick offs as much as possible

Sounds great. Hard to know if you don't say - I know not the point of thread, but all contributing to the scenario.

Good luck tomorrow x

thank you