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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my mum has poisoned my son

210 replies

mumto3beautys · 23/03/2015 20:54

hi ladies I had a thread re this a long while ago but can't remember my log in so had to start again name wise

bit of background....my mum is obsessed with my son always has been and wants him to live with her I have 2 daughters too but she is not interested in them
a while back she was making false allegations about me to social services only regarding my son not my daughters..ludicrous things like I don't feed him only the girls and I emotionally abuse him ( not sure how )
we went nc with her for a few weeks and with social services advise I have gradually reintegrated her into the kids lives , she is very manipulative though and has made my son think that if an adult does something he doesnt like he can get them into trouble back by making an allegation about them...I am not the only person he has said false things about he's done it to teachers too and said they've hit him which is obviously false but his way of getting adults back now
the situation now is he went to stay at my mums sat night and she hasnt returned him, my son has a social worker now and he has been to see him in school after talking to my mum and she said hes not safe as a while back apparently I grabbed him round the throat!!! this NEVER happened but when he was asked he said yeah so she must have told him to say that :(
even after saying this happened he still said he wanted to come home tonight and I wanted him home but the social worker says due to my mums allegation ( the argument she is talking about she wasnt even present at and was verbal NOT physical ) but that he said yeah it did they dont think he should come back...yet.
I dont know what this means?? I need him home every day spent with her is obviously another day of her poisoning his mind and I thought she had stopped and learnt her lesson after I went nc
its strange how she makes out he's in so much danger with me but my girls are fine?
I don't know what to do my mum won't even let me speak to him and obviously social services are starting to believe her crap or she's managed to get my son to lie now too
pls help me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 18:51

his dad will not hand him over to my mum if I ask him not to her never did when we were nc with her he just said I'd told him he wasn't allowed to so she wasn't annoyed with him and that's fine by me him saying he's doing it on my instruction

OP posts:
Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 18:57

As someone who has experience of social services as a child and adult i think you have completely the wrong perspective on this.

If all is as you say, your mum is abusive and you should be encouraging ss to escalate this. If it means he stays with ss temporarily then frankly that is better than staying where he is and will result in ss getting a true reflection of what is actually happening as they will have access to him with nobody around to exert pressure or influence.
They will be more likely to get to the truth - once that happens not only will you get him back but keeping him away from her will be much easier. Its a worry but a much better one than you are already dealing with.

Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 19:02

Also the other benefit of him staying temporarily with ss is that he will learn where lying gets him. Trust me, he thinks he is in control aswell as her.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 19:03

I don't want them to escalate it I want him to stay home and the threats and accusations to be over

I know people think its weird me going to prof standards tomorrow but they may be able to help me get a non mol order against her

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 19:05

I'm aware this is partly a control thing on my son's part and playing one off against each other dependant on who's doing what he wants but by no means do I want him to 'stay with ss for a bit' to teach him a lesson! what a ludicrous thing to say! I'm sure there are far less damaging ways to teach the lesson he's not the boss of the house....

OP posts:
Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 19:07

Imo you risk revisting the same old crap time and time again until ss know the truth and your son learns that lying has consequences. Its not his fault but he has to unlearn what she has taught him.

Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 19:10

Less damaging ? Whats so damaging about staying in home where your fed have a bed and are looked after when compared to staying with a loony manipulative grandma that teaches your son how not to behave all day every day ?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 19:10

I agree....BUT spending time in the care of strangers ( as no one else to have him except me or my mum as his dad wont ) seems a very harsh way for an 11yr old to learn a lesson and tbh very cruel

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 19:14

cutleryhands....it wasnt a toss up between foster care or my mums she had him for a night and kept him!!! ( I wish people would read that )
he stays here not sent off to learn his lesson with people hes never met! dont think that would do much for mine and his relationship except make him resent me!
I hope there are other posters on here that agree that seems a bizarre and cruel way to teach a child a lesson!
I'm sorry if something similar has happened to u/someone u know in the past but id hate for that to happen to my child and do anything to prevent it

OP posts:
Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 19:17

Its not as bad as you think. Have a bit of faith in it - your call and its easier for me to say it than you to do it but i was the same age and although different circumstances i would rather have my children put in care than dealing with her.
I cant see it ending with her around and him knowing he can push the buttons whenever he likes.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 25/03/2015 19:31

I would call duty social work to let them know you're son is staying with you. Informing them will show you are taking their concerns seriously.
Explain to them that you think he is at risk of emotional harm if he is to be with your mother.
Tell them you are happy for a visit tomorrow to discuss a way forward and to work together for your son.

Wishing you luck

Spadequeen · 25/03/2015 19:32

I would cut her out of your life totally, never again would she see my son if I were you. You need to get help on working with your son and the family as a whole

ashtrayheart · 25/03/2015 19:55

I'm glad he is home. If you aren't asking ss to take him into care (why would you in these circumstances) then they would need a court order to remove him, they haven't got evidence of him being at risk of immediate harm I assume, so I would now keep him away from your mother!

ashtrayheart · 25/03/2015 19:56

Ss don't take kids into care to teach them lessons Hmm

Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 20:00

Missed the point totally.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 20:12

I think its u thats missed the point cutleryhands and ur suggestion that it may teach him a lesson is awful

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ThatIsNachoCheese · 25/03/2015 20:13

You just have to show SS that you're engaging with them. Repeat to them that you want to work with them but you can't allow your mother to have contact with your son as it is not good for him. Foster care would be a damn sight better for him than being with her, but if you can SHOW you're engaging with them then it won't come to that.
They are not waiting in the wings to snatch your son away, but they do need to ensure he isn't at risk.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 25/03/2015 20:16

He would learn from it that serious accusations mean serious consequences Op, he needs to know he isn't in control of you. And anything would be better than him staying with her surely?
The point is, you keep him with you and avoid him going back to her at all costs.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 20:20

I realise that but yet again repeat I dont think he deserves to go into care to teach him a lesson!!!
jeez the mind boggles that people would even suggest that Sad

OP posts:
ThatIsNachoCheese · 25/03/2015 20:24

Of course he doesn't. He deserves to be kept away from someone so utterly damaging.
Cutlery didn't actually say that anyway and you need to focus on your son at the moment.
YOU are his advocate and you're the one who needs to speak up for him.

Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 20:28

Thankyou nacho. The point is, who/what is more damaging, not teaching lessons.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 20:36

"the benefit of him staying with ss is he will learn where lying gets him"....

RIDICULOUS!!
thank you to the posters that are trying to help though ur advice is appreciated Smile

OP posts:
ThatIsNachoCheese · 25/03/2015 20:36

Just lost huge message! I won't go through it all again but have you called out of hours social work to let them know your son is staying with you?
I think it's really important you're open with them. It also means if she turns up you can call the police and explain to them that you have discussed with children's services.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 20:38

I have left a msg on social workers phone and sent him a text saying this
he is free to contact me in the morning to discuss further....

OP posts:
Cutleryhands · 25/03/2015 20:52

Mumto3beautys, i dont expect you to have to put him into care at all. I merely wish to point out that the bottom line has to be that as a temporary solution, that is better if they decide that they want to get a true understanding of what is happening.
Perhaps what i then added was worded insensitively but please do not take it out of context.
Good luck.