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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my mum has poisoned my son

210 replies

mumto3beautys · 23/03/2015 20:54

hi ladies I had a thread re this a long while ago but can't remember my log in so had to start again name wise

bit of background....my mum is obsessed with my son always has been and wants him to live with her I have 2 daughters too but she is not interested in them
a while back she was making false allegations about me to social services only regarding my son not my daughters..ludicrous things like I don't feed him only the girls and I emotionally abuse him ( not sure how )
we went nc with her for a few weeks and with social services advise I have gradually reintegrated her into the kids lives , she is very manipulative though and has made my son think that if an adult does something he doesnt like he can get them into trouble back by making an allegation about them...I am not the only person he has said false things about he's done it to teachers too and said they've hit him which is obviously false but his way of getting adults back now
the situation now is he went to stay at my mums sat night and she hasnt returned him, my son has a social worker now and he has been to see him in school after talking to my mum and she said hes not safe as a while back apparently I grabbed him round the throat!!! this NEVER happened but when he was asked he said yeah so she must have told him to say that :(
even after saying this happened he still said he wanted to come home tonight and I wanted him home but the social worker says due to my mums allegation ( the argument she is talking about she wasnt even present at and was verbal NOT physical ) but that he said yeah it did they dont think he should come back...yet.
I dont know what this means?? I need him home every day spent with her is obviously another day of her poisoning his mind and I thought she had stopped and learnt her lesson after I went nc
its strange how she makes out he's in so much danger with me but my girls are fine?
I don't know what to do my mum won't even let me speak to him and obviously social services are starting to believe her crap or she's managed to get my son to lie now too
pls help me Sad

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:15

also if your mum works for the police - did I get that right ? - surely she would be on first name terms with several social workers already?
What if she is calling in a favour with this one? You just never know.
My friend whose sister was an HV found herself with a self appointed SW, they were on first name terms, oddly, the sister and the SW.
Her complaint was upheld.

tribpot · 25/03/2015 14:16

Sounds like an escalation to a slightly more competent social worker would be a very good idea.

Fingeronthebutton · 25/03/2015 14:17

I don't know if it's been advised, but I would be recording every conversation with this SW. And, with 'that woman'
Easier said than done,but try and clear your head,use fire to fight fire.

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:18

has the SW given you a copy of the leaflet about how to complain about their services? Because he should have. OOh I am getting quite irate on your behalf.

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:23

I really REALLY don't understand why, after all this, you agreed to let your son go back there in the first place. Confused

I am baffled by it, quite honestly. Do you have a history of MH problems and has your mum had to come to the rescue in the past when your children might have been at risk? Otherwise I cannot imagine why anyone is taking her seriously.

I don't know much about this sort of thing but I think you need to ask for an urgent meeting with your son's social worker and tell about your concerns and ask that you are given whatever support is necessary to keep your mother away from you and your son. I don't know what kind of evidence you have to have for a restraining order but you must be close to having it!

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:24

And you should tell the school that she is not to collect him, ring them, get any information from them, or be the first point of contact in an emergency.

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:25

Can they just advise you not to collect your own child and bring him home? And if you ignore their advice what can they do? Surely nothing, at this stage?

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:26

after all, you have PR, not your mother, surely?
Also why is your SW essentially threatening to 'escalate' things if you rock the boat? HAVE you had MH issues in the past? Just asking to get a clear pic, no judgement.
If things WERE 'escalated' why do you think that you would lose out?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 25/03/2015 14:32

Sheesh !

Firstly, make arrangements for legal advice. Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to start (no cost to you and they can help work out where to go to get further specialist advice and how legal aid might be able to help)

Then write to school (email or letter) saying only you have permission to collect your son or discuss him

Then collect your son from school and bring him home. Inform SS in writing this is what you have done. Ask for a meeting or phone call with the "matey" SW's boss to discuss the changes to DS's plan.

Completely cut off contact with your Mum except through legal representatives

How are your daughters doing?

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:35

If it is 'inadvisable' for your son to come home to you, can't his father have him for a bit? I am sure as you have PR you can have a say in where he goes and does not go? They can't just walk all over you without some sort of concrete evidence and a court order, surely?

It sounds to be like they are pulling the wool over your eyes and taking advantage of the fact that you are compliant and a bit gullible about your rights.

Fingeronthebutton · 25/03/2015 14:36

I suggest you put this on Gransnet. There are a lot or working/retired SWs on there. You will get some good concrete advice.

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:38

Yes, totally agree with Closer cancel work tomorrow if you were supposed to go, take some legal and professional advice as a matter of urgency. Collect your son and bring him straight home - no-one can stop you. If your mother is there and tries to stop you call the police. Or better still, call school and tell them you are collecting him early.

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:39

"call school and tell them you are collecting him early."
do that now OP, it is the best advice.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/03/2015 14:42

Ok
Social servies currently hace a child and a grandmother who are both saying that the mother tried to strangle him. That'd a serious allegation Which the 11yo (not a little child) is corroborating. Evidence clearly shows that the child is at risk from his mother.
I appreciate that is not the case but they can only go on what they have for now and will be relying on the op to cooperate whilst they investigate.
Escalation means calling a child protection conference, not going to court to remove the children, so in your shoes I'd be taking your son home and welcoming a child protection conference. Remember that your mother cannot be included in a cp conference without your agreement.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 14:42

Just to clarify I have had no history of mental health problems depression or stress and my mum has never had to come to my rescue!
I think just the sheer volume of claims she is making means they have to investigate....The first couple of calls she made they wrote off as malicious and so nfa but the more and more she makes I guess they can't risk not investigating now....I'm not sure what they are investigating though
no I have not had a single leaflet from this guy and my mum is not in a dept in the police that would have any contact with social services
the guy Def is a social worker I've called his office ( by googling number )
first response social worker that came out a while back ( one one of the times my mum called them ) wrote a report which I have and no where does it say they think I'm a risk to him she met my mum and said she had never met anyone like her in her life she was so anti me ( her only child ) and chillingly cold and calculating
unfortunately we have now been assigned this fool who really likes her!

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:45

as I understand it OP, that original report will still be valid, inc the comments about your mother from the original SW.
Poss they would calll a 'Child in Need' conference before it being a CP conference. Tell them to bring it on!

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:51

If the school are aware that your son has made false allegations against teachers then surely they will be supportive of you about any allegations you also say are false. Can you speak to the school and ask them to speak to the social workers? Everyone needs to pull together on this so that the social workers can see where your son might be being manipulated by his GM. If their contact thus far is just her, and you, it's always going to he her word against yours. Also what about your DDs? If there have been no issues/allegations with them than that's another thing in your favour.

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/03/2015 14:54

oh the school will be involved all right if there is a conference. I wonder why the SW doesnt want that?

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 14:55

What is her thing with your son, but not your DDs? Has be had a history of behavioural or emotional problems and she disagrees with the way you handle them? Did you have him very young and does she see herself as a surrogate mother to him? Do your DDs have a different dad and has he said at any point to his GM that he feels pushed out? I'm trying to understand her MO in all this.

wannaBe · 25/03/2015 15:10

This doesn't add up.

So the op has three children, and the op's mum has made an allegation that the op tried to strangle one of them. The op has a volatile relationship with the son by her own admission... although says there was no violence.

Social services have become involved and have presumably spoken to the child who has corroborated the grandmother's allegation... and now social services have advised the op that the child shouldn't be staying with her for the time being. They are however prepared to let the child come to her house, unsupervised, for tea....? Confused

And meanwhile the op has two other children who are not even on social services' radar, Confused why not? If SS were investigating a serious allegation in a family where there were children present they wouldn't just focus on one child and leave the rest to get on with it.

And the op's response to this has been to allow the child to go back to the person who has made the allegation against her - why?

I'm sorry but I don't believe that we are being given the whole story here.

If the mum has made an allegation that is one thing, but the child has backed up what she has said, and he will have been interviewed independently of the mother and still he has backed up the allegation...

At best this is clearly a very disturbed child - one who is prepared to make allegations against his own mother, so there is clearly something not right within this family setup... he at the very least needs some psychological help, and it is unlikely that your mother's attitude is entirely responsible for that.

I understand why you wouldn't want to give all details here possibly for fear of being judged, but tbh it would be better for you to get legal advice.

I also think it is dangerous for people here to be giving the advice to call school/collect the child etc when for all we know the child may well be at risk.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 15:21

she has always been obsessed with my son since he was born trying to take over and far too overbearing with him
children have same dad but she has no interest in my daughters at all never has done
my dad says she wants my son living with her and will literally stop at nothing to make that happen....If he was taken off me for example his dad wouldn't have him so she would be default next in line
she has never raised with social services any concern over my care of the girls which seems strange If I'm this total psycho she makes me out to be infact 1st social worker ( who wrote report ) said before she met me she assumed I only had 1 child as the girls were never mentioned once even in passing conversation about family life

OP posts:
Lucy61 · 25/03/2015 15:24

Yup- something doesn't add up in op's account.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 15:34

@ wannabe....my son isnt and never has been at risk from me he spends alot more time with my mother than the girls and has been conditoned to think that if an adult tries to discipline him there are ways to get that adult into trouble back...
hence making false allegations that teachers and staff at the school have hurt him too which are obviously false but all fuelled by them enforcing some kind of punishment on him
my daughters aren't on thier radar no I've asked why and was told that ALL allegations have only been involving my son...Some are so ludicrous she makes herself look stupid ie I only feed the girls but not my son which is clearly false as they all eat together
they have spoken to school re my older daughter ( age 8 ) and school have confirmed there are and never have been any behaviour issues with her and no concern although she has mentioned it upsets her when her brother shouts at mummy as she doesn't like seeing me upset
social services have spoken to her and she confirmed the only person she doesn't feel scared/threatened by me at all ive never hit or been physical with her and if she is naughty/rude my punishment would be she wasn't allowed to play out
obviously no one has spoken to my 2yr old but nursery would confirm they have no issues as would hv
so no girls not on radar at all and NOT because I'm only giving half the story
mainly because my mum only wants son and he's the only one she has conditioned....

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 15:38

Thank you to all the posters on here offering helpful advice rather than she must be lying...
its a very difficult situation and helps to be able to talk about it
I have made a list of all the incidents to take to prof standards in the morning and hope something can be done about her from a legal stance as ss atm seem to be buying her crap

OP posts:
houseofnerds · 25/03/2015 15:50

Have you spoken to the school? I would be asking for them to be involved. If they have dealt appropriately with malicious complaints from your son, this would be a relevant addition to the investigation.

You also need to get your son a referral to camhs. Like, yesterday. Call your gp now and get it done. I'm not sure what makes an 11yo make up lies, but that and the kicking you make me think he needs some professional help. (And I don't blame those behaviours on your mother). If the violence is not dealt with now, he will continue to believe that tryin to beat the shit out of women is ok, and you don't want that on your conscience.