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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my mum has poisoned my son

210 replies

mumto3beautys · 23/03/2015 20:54

hi ladies I had a thread re this a long while ago but can't remember my log in so had to start again name wise

bit of background....my mum is obsessed with my son always has been and wants him to live with her I have 2 daughters too but she is not interested in them
a while back she was making false allegations about me to social services only regarding my son not my daughters..ludicrous things like I don't feed him only the girls and I emotionally abuse him ( not sure how )
we went nc with her for a few weeks and with social services advise I have gradually reintegrated her into the kids lives , she is very manipulative though and has made my son think that if an adult does something he doesnt like he can get them into trouble back by making an allegation about them...I am not the only person he has said false things about he's done it to teachers too and said they've hit him which is obviously false but his way of getting adults back now
the situation now is he went to stay at my mums sat night and she hasnt returned him, my son has a social worker now and he has been to see him in school after talking to my mum and she said hes not safe as a while back apparently I grabbed him round the throat!!! this NEVER happened but when he was asked he said yeah so she must have told him to say that :(
even after saying this happened he still said he wanted to come home tonight and I wanted him home but the social worker says due to my mums allegation ( the argument she is talking about she wasnt even present at and was verbal NOT physical ) but that he said yeah it did they dont think he should come back...yet.
I dont know what this means?? I need him home every day spent with her is obviously another day of her poisoning his mind and I thought she had stopped and learnt her lesson after I went nc
its strange how she makes out he's in so much danger with me but my girls are fine?
I don't know what to do my mum won't even let me speak to him and obviously social services are starting to believe her crap or she's managed to get my son to lie now too
pls help me Sad

OP posts:
wannaBe · 25/03/2015 15:59

but op, a child of eleven making false allegations against people because they dare to punish him is not normal. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Someone can't just plant that idea into his hed, he clearly has some very serious issues to think that this is the way we deal with people...

And if your mum has always been this poisonous then by sending him there you are complicit in any damage that has been caused to him emotionally. You are not without fault here op, you knowingly allow your child to spend time alone with an abuser, that makes you as bad as the abuser.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 16:00

Just for clarification....The "incident" my mum is referring to was an argument 2 weeks ago when I confiscated something off my son for rudeness refusing to do as he was asked etc....he actually attacked me kicking me etc and I held him by his chest/stomach at arms length with one hand to stop him kicking me
1st social worker said I was allowed to do this if he got angry at me for enforcing rules ( my mum has made him think he doesn't have to stick to any )
during him kicking off my mum arrived at front door and after a bit of her knocking and me dodging my son kicking out I answered it ( not knowing it was her ) I said that he had been kicking me etc my shins were all battered and I had had to hold him away from me
she immediately said she had seen me with my handa round his throat!! ( bearing in mind she was outside front door, door is frosted glass and angle wise even if it wasn't she couldn't see where we were standing from outside
my son so angry at me at the time and with his backup of my mum jumped on this bandwagon and said yeah u were .... That's where all this has come from
my son has lied about stupid ( normal kid stuff ) before but NEVER admits he's lied he just gets embarrased and doesn't want to talk about it I think when asked at school the day after incident he lied as didn't want to loose face/was still angry at me/didn't want to be seen as a liar or get into further trouble as 1st ss lady told him if he was ever agressive he could be legally accountable for his actions age 11
I don't think he thought it would go this far and is now regretting it hence why is happy to come home for tea obviously not scared of me but is still not going to say outright my nan actually said my mum strangled me and I went along with it as I was angry with her

OP posts:
MmeMorrible · 25/03/2015 16:01

I don't understand why you are planning to raise this at work with professional standards? How will this help other than add to all the drama?

You need to focus on getting legal advice and sorting out the issues with social services. Why would you not see that as the priority?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 16:08

He does have anger issues yes based on the way he feels his dad has no interest in him ( long standing problem ) and I have asked for a referral to cahms yes
the ONLY reasons he still sees my mum is 1 he wants to and I don't want to upset him more by stopping that
and 2 I have had many a conversation with ss about her esp when I went nc and it was advised at the time that not to make it permenant as they do have a close relationship and with his dad not caring etc it didnt seem fair so to reintegrate her back into his life and monitor the situation as obviously I have no proof that anything she says to him makes him act the way he does....for now....

OP posts:
wannaBe · 25/03/2015 16:11

so your eleven year old is violent and you are struggling to parent him.

You were having a physical altercation with your eleven year old when your mother came to the door and witnessed this fact.

I suspect that ss are advising your ds not be here for a while has less too do with any "malicious" allegation and more to do with the fact that you are clearly struggling to parent a violent and clearly disturbed child.

It seems obvious that you need some help here, and perhaps your dm recognises this too.

But if someone posted on here that they had been round to the house of a friend and witnessed through the door that the mother was physically restraining their eleven year old and it looked as if they could have been strangling him, the opinion would have been to call ss.

I suggest you call ss and discuss your very real issues with them, and try to come to some agreement as to how they can help you deal with your ds.

SS are not the enemy here. Trust me they don't want to be placing an eleven year old into care. But you need help, and you now have the opportunity to get that help.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 16:12

I am seeking legal advice as we speak!!!
I am going to prof standards to see if anything can be done legally about her behaviour as I have evidence here of it and ss don't seem to believe me but they might

OP posts:
CoffeeBeanie · 25/03/2015 16:16

If I remember you correctly from previous posts, your mum is indeed batshit crazy and you should have gone nc long ago.

I'd raise hell at SS and make sure your son is returned to you. Every day this is allowed to go on is weakening your position.

Wake up, woman! She finally got what she wanted and is in the process of seriously damaging your son with all the lies she made him confirm.

Get a solicitor asap and stop this madness.

fourteen · 25/03/2015 16:23

I cannot fathom why you would have let this woman back into your life, and allowed your son to stay overnight.

Foolish at best.

Agree with WannaBe, something doesn't add up.

ptumbi · 25/03/2015 16:55

If your ds loves his GM and wants to have a relationship with her - shouldn't you be facilitating that through a contact centre rather than at her home? Supervised contact would seem to be in the best interests ofthe child...

I remember your last posts, and you are in a desperate situation - I'd be tempted to sell up and move; go into hiding. It doesn't sound like ds' father would care, and grandparents actually have no rights of access to a grandchild.

Can you get anger management counselling for ds?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 17:03

All I did was do what social services advised me to do re letting her see him I even checked the overnight visit as this hasn't happened for about a year but they were both wanting it
I didn't want to go against ss advice back then and it has obviously backfired

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 17:06

hi ptumbi yes I have asked for a referral to cahms
just as an update ( my son is meant to be coming home at 6 for tea )
ive just recieved a call from my mum whos in car with him saying I'm sorry but he doesnt want to come
my son started shouting in the background thats lies mum shes told me to say that! I do want to come
I have told her to bring him back at 6 regardless....I have not told her I am informing ss of what I just heard for fear she will not bring him back at all

OP posts:
ptumbi · 25/03/2015 17:10

What happens if she doesn't bring him at 6? Can you get the police or ss onto it?

Worried for you Sad

fourteen · 25/03/2015 17:16

If he's not back at 6 I'd call the police

DontdrinkandFacebook · 25/03/2015 17:21

Yes, call the police. Especially given that your son is clearly being held against his will now. Call her back and tell her that if he is not on your doorstep at 6 sharp you will be calling the police. And keep him home permanently, not just for tea. Then tomorrow you need to get an emergency meeting set up. This is ridiculous.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 17:30

as far as I know she is still bringing him back at 6 I've just spoken to her but didn't make any threats... I need to not tip her off until he's back

OP posts:
fourteen · 25/03/2015 17:54

Make sure you let school know tomorrow that she isn't to pick him up under any circumstances.

kojackscat · 25/03/2015 18:10

I really hope he is back with you now.

Missqwerty · 25/03/2015 18:24

Get your son back then go no communication. Get legal advice in place and her prosecuted for lying and endangering your families emotional well being.

You never have to let her have access just because social services suggest it, let it goto court if need be. Start recording conversations with your son where he admits it wasn't true and and any evidence about your mother.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 18:33

he is here he says he was undecided and my mum told him not to come then but he missed us and wanted to see us

OP posts:
fourteen · 25/03/2015 18:35

So presumably now you're going to cut contact with your mum?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 18:37

yes exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 18:39

I hope ss don't take further action in the morning due to me not complying with "the plan"

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/03/2015 18:42

What action can they take regarding non-compliance? It isn't a care plan or a court order, merely a suggestion (from someone who clearly lacks experience).

I would be tempted to advise the police of the situation in case your mum tries to call them later when you fail to return him, making out that there is a court order in her favour or similar.

Please think carefully about whether he should go to his dad's this weekend.

Momagain1 · 25/03/2015 18:45

Given the existing situation, why on earth was he staying with her? Hiw dies she get your boyfriend's numbers in order to text them?

Does anyone think Womans Aid can help? Her mum is ruining her life with this, is it emotional abuse? Is there anything like a non-mol order or something she could attempt to get, which shut down future investigations before they start?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 25/03/2015 18:48

He was staying with her after for one night after a long process of reintegrating her into his life....All done on ss advice as I have said previously
my mum had boyf number from one time I phoned off his phone when I had no signal and she stored it
yes youre right she is hellbent on ruining my life

OP posts:
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