HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

well the big fat pile of shit has moved his van on drive where he doesnt live but i do with ds so no one can open garage door to get through house or clean car and cut grass etc, text to move it and apparently I'm a drug fuelled drunken mess thats why he left ... aw how sweet I hate him right now ,, sorry rant over.. just wanted a peaceful friday night after a shit days work.. how fucking deluded are they.. sorry for swearing too,, controlling shit u r

Been a bit better today, thank you for all your support.

1ali no they weren't flying and they didn't even get delayed unfortunately because I checked.

WWK thank you, yes it was a tough day but thankfully today has been easier. I hope they have a shit time too!

WhyMe he's taking his car, but maybe he'll get a puncture instead! Yes she has had her claws into him for a long time unfortunately.

Izzie so pleased that you are feeling better and that you are now minus the troublesome tooth. He misses you? Did you reply? Nutty Nora not that great after all.

WWK love the adaption of the poem, very good. More than happy for you to start the new thread, you're a very good mother with many words of wisdom.

Green it's so lovely to read your positive posts. As you say you were really struggling earlier and had so much to contend with. You have been a great support to everyone on here too and am so happy that you feel in a better place with some nice things now happening to you.

Hobbit you are right none of us have done anything to deserve this and they are definitely all no 6!

My ex-DH wanted to be friends too, but he'd rather be a spiteful shit at the moment though.

Hi iwas no I didn't. I've posted on your thread

Hello Izzie good for you. I've just read your post, thanks. Putting on a show maybe? How are you feeling? x

Hi everyone. Just wanted to say that I am finding this thread helpful. I finally made the decision to leave a difficult marriage last summer. The thing that finally made me leave was my H (can't put DH) getting really annoyed with me (full blown bellowing annoyed) about something very trivial. This came at the end of a weekend away when I had put myself out a lot to be considerate and sensitive to his needs and I realised that it was always going to be like that if I stayed. The children are grown up and there is no mortgage on the house but I have so far done nothing towards sorting out divorce/finances re solicitors. After a few weeks I found a small flat to rent and am still living there now. The marriage lasted nearly 30 years and it is only now that I am starting to feel ready to move forward. I am lucky that I have a good (but stressful) job and it is lovely to be able to go home in the evening and not get a barrage of criticism and negativity as soon as I walk through the door. I do miss H sometimes and often feel very lonely, especially when I see couples out holding hands, but the nice bits in my marriage had so many not nice bits between them that it just wasn't worth it. My H thinks I am ill/overworking and have made a massive mistake and should go back because I am being selfish. The longer I live on my own, the less I can imagine going back.

Long term, I would love to meet someone special to share the rest of my life with. Mid term I am just starting to investigate the possibility of buying somewhere small and getting a cat! I wanted to put that last bit because that way I am more likely to actually see it through .

Anyone else walked out a v long term relationship? I would be interested to know how long it can take to feel settled again.

A lot better than I was thanks but still having a lot of trouble eating. Can't open mouth wide enough. Makes a change haha. Although it's still uncomfortable. Is getting more so now, possibly because it's night. Is that an old wives tale about pain getting worse at night? But all the same, a damn sight better than I was. Do you know, I had to do an email today, and the autocorrect typed Sid for something. I can't think why. Oh I shouldn't laugh, it hurts

Absolutely putting on a show. Public image and all that. But the real him has been rather snappy at work. I did laugh at how infuriated he was about not being invited for family meal. What did he expect?

Hi Jani and glad you are finding the thread useful. There are definitely a few on here who made the decision to leave long marriages, as opposed to being left. The ones that immediately spring to mind are Tabby, Rozalia and bobs. They post regularly, so I'm sure they will be able to give you their perspective. Oh, and if you are thinking about getting a cat, ask "iwas"

In reverse order, because I'm still in a contrary mood!

Iwas glad you're feeling a bit better. How are the kittens?

Living Don't apologise for swearing - it's all part of the territory! I wonder if you can send a strong email that unless he moves van to a place of your choosing, then you'll have no option but to have it removed, and you will send him the bill. Give him a deadline. He'll be horribly abusive back, but do your best to ignore that. He's an utter shit.

Fuckit you're not pulling anyone down. This is how it is, we all hit moments of total despair and collapse, and that's why we come here to say THIS SHIT IS HARD. You've done the right thing. It's perfectly understandable given what's gone on. You're under tremendous stress dealing with all this. You do come back up, but for now, just take things real slow, be kind to yourself and try to focus on getting through the now. The future will work itself out when you get there - but for now, stick with now. He can say 'you failed as a parent' but you didn't shove that cocaine up your son's nose. And had you known, you would have stopped it. If he hadn't left, could he have stopped it? No.

ali there's nothing wrong with any of us, what's wrong is what's happened to us. I really must find out how wrote that pearl of wisdom because it's the most true thing I have ever read. I swear by it.

Izzie hope you're starting to feel better. What an odd text to receive.

Hobbit Relax as much as you can this weekend. The first countdown is the hardest.

WiseOwl You're in this situation because he chose it for you, and because he's a cunt, to quote Hobbit. The worst thing you can do is turn on yourself and start looking for reasons why he left and blaming yourself - it will give you depression. Please be kind to yourself all the time, as frequently as you can. You will never ever understand 'why' but it's part of the process of trying to make sense of the nonsense so it's perfectly normal to do it, but please remind yourself it was all him. Also, don't do anything on his schedule. Only when you feel like it.

Yougot good decision. I did FP online and glad I did. Good luck with it - its tough to do, but it does help you get some self-esteem back.

Green you're so different. I'm so thrilled for you. Take care.

Roz that's the attitude! Who gives a fig about their opinion, they left. The can take their opinions with them. Good riddance.

Donki he's tactless prat. My advice will always be, unless the emails relate specifically to contact arrangements, then file them in a FYI folder (Fuck You Idiot folder). Not worth reading them.

Anyway, something rather amusing happened. MrSW (or maybe me) has some kind of direct debit set up on my paypal, which I have removed my card details from but left his there. And today, Paypal went to make an automatic payment...and took it from his credit card! I think I'll be arrested for theft over the weekend ! So if I don't post for a while...don't worry I know a good solicitor!

That's good Izzie, it will take a few days for your mouth to get back to normal and I am sure your sons will be glad of a bit of peace!! I think pain does get worse at night sometimes. Damn autocorrect!

If he was happy I don't see why he would be snappy at work would he. I asked our employee out of curiosity really if he seemed happy and I didn't care as much as I thought I would about the actual answer so maybe making a bit of progress. The meal thing was strange, it seems he really thought it was off that he wasn't invited! As you say what the hell did he expect!?

Exactly iwas, he's becoming very transparent now

It was heartbreaking today. DS2 offered me a chocolate eclair and I struggled to eat a tiny bit of it......As it was, I said to him he should just cut me a little bit, as that was all I could manage. I bet when I'm better he doesn't offer me one again!

Sorry but I'm going to go to bed now. Totally exhausted. Catch up with other posts tomorrow xx

Izzie, he left, not me. I wish I had the self esteem to have left many years ago, but I just knew that if I tried hard enough we'd be happy. After all, it was my fault we weren't.

I also get "miss you" texts, regularly. "How are you doing?" texts as well.

I got a " Miss you, how are you doing?" phone call tonight. I was in the middle of cleaning out the hen house, so was none too communicative. I always pull him up on his shit though, if he tries his "I tried to make the marriage work" lament, for example, I'll ask him how he thought shagging another woman would make our marriage work. I don't get sarcastic or angry, just straightforward. It's shit though and I engage less and less.

Oh for meh. 100% meh. Still, I get little glimpses of meh now. At one time I didn't think meh would ever be possible.

Also, don't do anything on his schedule. Only when you feel like it
Great advice. Twunt was pressing me about getting some things done that suited him. I hated it, I felt under enough pressure anyway and I always ended up crying, while he was "reasonably" telling me to cancel this or alter that. I've done everything on his schedule for 18 years. So for the last couple of weeks I do things as and when I can cope. I'm dealing with a divorce, sorting out my dad's affairs, starting paid employment and coping with being dumped by an arsehole. *I'll do what I can, when I can. Not jumping through twunt's hoops.

• this should make me happier than it actually does, although I've had the odd moment of euphoria.

jani I left a long marriage although I take the view he had already left me by having an affair even though he was still living at home. I would say it takes a couple of years to feel settled but there are no rules, things can happen that set you back a bit, its more a case of feeling a tiny bit better one step at a time then when you look back you realise how far you've come.

Izzie what an odd message, I guess all is not rosy with OW. I suppose its inevitable that they will realise they miss us at some point having swapped us for selfish amoral bitches.

Iwas probably best not to ask those sort of questions and believe me I do know what it's like for a good few months after discovering an affair when we seem to have this desire to hurt ourselves by wanting all the horrible details and asking questions when we know the answers will hurt us. All your colleagues had to go on was appearances and of course the were going to put on a show of being a happy couple. Swapping his wife for a selfish amoral bitch will not make him happy. It pisses me off that he thinks its ok to parade OW around like its a normal wholesome relationship and everyone goes along with it to be polite. I've experienced work colleagues having an affair and everyone had utter disdain for them, obviously not to their faces because everyone felt too awkward to mention it.

Welcome Jani to our thread. I was married to a 'shouter' as well - it's exhausting to live with. He was also 'Melodramatic Man' so there was plenty for him to get enraged about. Any excuse, really. I love not being shouted at any more. But yes, the loneliness can be deafening too. It will take time. Get a cat - I have a shouty one and an even shoutier one. When they go to the cattery, my house is so quiet. I hate it.

I think settled comes once it's all done and dusted, there's no 'hangover' from married life on a day-to-day basis. I think in the first years post-divorce there's still a lot of adjusting to do (and buying/selling stuff). Eventually, like childhood, it all becomes a distant memory, and life becomes all about the present and you become hopeful again for the future. That for me was 'normality' that I used to have. Good luck with it all.

Hey Paddling welcome back. You're probably right about him deducting it from the final settlement...he paid the last lump late...and there's no news on the third lump, so that's late too! Meh. Just an arse til the end. No longer my arse.

I'm so glad to read you've started turning a corner. It truly is baby steps to get through each day, but just once in a while, you run, you sing, you breathe. Then you collapse in a heap because, fuck me, we ain't spring chickens anymore!

And that reminds you, it ain't over. It's just a bloody long marathon. But the more you deal with things, the more you start to gain self-confidence. I agree that you don't do anything until you're ready to unless it's to avoid pissing off a judge!

Sleep well Izzie.

Right - I'll get a new thread up and running tonight so we're ready to go no matter what.

Thaks wwk having a melt down he called me a drug fuelled mess thats why he left x not done drugs myself needs to look closer to home, and yes will look into it absolute shit. fat at that lol ,,,..... this shit is hard

Hi Jani, well done on having the strength to leave your marriage. It is never an easy decision even if you know it is the right one. I am sure it is lovely to be able to go home in the evening and not get criticised. Good that you are starting to feel happier living on your own.

We got kittens this week and they are absolutely gorgeous so I would definitely recommend getting a cat. They are a bloody good distraction and I smile and laugh a lot when I am with them.

I ended my marriage in December after 25 years after discovering my husband's affair and finding out that he had cheated before. I don't feel settled yet but in the main I have got used to him not living at home now. It is still very hard but I think if you know you have made the right decision it does make it a little easier. You will get lots of support on here x

WWK thank you. The kittens are fine and think they are going to be causing havoc before too long! They are so lovely though and am so pleased we got them.

Surprised MrSW's card didn't get rejected! Can you start the new thread before you get arrested please! I'm not surprised you have fallen off the wagon a little with everything that you have been through. I hope your car is fixed soon. Hopefully you can get settled soon and feel more positive about your future but anyone with your talent, intelligence and compassion will have a great future however that pans out.

Paddling thank you. Pleased you are coping with everything okay now. Thinking about what my life would have been like if I had stayed married to him is really good advice. I know that even when it's shit it would still have been better than trying to work through all that happened because I wouldn't ever have trusted him and I couldn't have lived like that. I think his first wife probably didn't recover knowing what I know now and hardly surprising really. So pleased that you are feeling positive and able to deal with it. x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5

Here we are folks.

Will catch up in a mo. Wine cellar beckoning!

Living a huge part of coming to terms with the ending of your marriage is knowing that what 'he says' is a pile of shite. And treating it with the contempt it deserves. Drugs are evil - there's no two ways about that.

If I knew you in real life, I'd NOT be giving you shit for what's happened, but offering my support and sympathy. Because you know, that's what decent people do. You're married to an indecent person. Today, please tell yourself that he offers no help. He's useless then. And ignore him.

Learning what real help is, is a help. He's no help. Just an arse.

Iwas I haven't done any internet stalkery (because I'm a stubborn bitch) but lets assume he was lying on the witness stand, it won't break the bank. If he wasn't lying on the witness stand, he'll be most upset. Meh. Glad you're doing okay.

Right night owls, come along and introduce yourself on the new thread. I don't like being friendless on a Friday night!

The next part of this thread is to be found by clicking the link below

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5

jani I walked out after 23 yrs. No one else involved on either side.

The fact that I left because (a) he wouldn't and (b) he'd been an emotionally abuse twat for most of our relationship, seems to be forgotten. He is now the poor vulnerable man whose wife left him... It makes me want to scream cry and vomit all at the same time.

Anyway I left in November and after the initial "what can I do to make it right" messages and telling everyone we were on a trial seperation, it's all gone very quiet for the last couple of months.... Literally no contact whatsoever..... Even after I sent a bday card that's just bad manners

We haven't started divorce proceedings yet and he still lives in what was the family home with our 2 teenage DSs, so none of the financial fuckwittery that others have experienced has started yet. We have said the house will be sold in September 2016 when my youngest goes to uni, but of course he could meet someone before then in which case my efforts to be reasonable will come to an abrupt halt....

A great big whopping Thank You to WWK for agreeing to head up this thread and carry on the next one.

Her advice and common sense are invaluable to posters here, both old and new, whether offering a shoulder to cry on, legal gubbins, or just giving us a good, hard, kick up the arse, and telling us it's ok to feel as we do because this shit is hard, isn't it?

Sharing our personal experiences goes some way to getting through this awful process, whether it is through our own choice or if it was forced upon us, because no one really understands what it is like until you have lived it.

Hey, I just thought ladies, I'll have to have a name change soon won't i ?
Don't want to be hobbitexwife, that give negative connotations, so maybe I'll just be hobbit, plain and simple eh? One last pic of Jess on this thread.
KOKO all, xx