HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

"It doesn't matter if you have depression, you don't earn any money. "...... reason for why his wife should not seek medical help.

This one had to be 'up there too' along with the 'one blow job'
comment. Dear oh dear on dear.
Neanderthal man, here we come...

Not posted today, have a severe complication re dental abscess. Been in agony two days. Got two lots of antibioticpcs today as symptoms became apparent. Ludwigs Angina.

Going to bed to rest now. Makes a change from lying on sofa

More for the twunt list:

"I might have been to bed with her but it's not technically adultery because I haven't shagged her"

"I never meant to hurt you, I didn't think you would find out"

"I'm sorry if it upset you OW waving at you, but she thought it would upset you more if she ignored you"

"I felt I could talk to OW and it made me feel good that she desired me"

"It was passionate with OW and she wanted me whereas you just did it to please me"

Oh Izzie that sounds awful, you poor thing. Hope the pain eases soon and you feel better soon. Try and have a good sleep

Hope you get some sleep Izzie. That sounds really nasty. At least you know what you're dealing with now and the antibiotics should soon start having an affect.

Hi1ali3 , you are really doing so well considering the tremendous strain you're under of keeping everything secret from your dcs. It's so difficult to try and carry on as normal and function in every day life when you have the burden of this on your shoulders as well as the hurt and pain of your husbands behaviour.

I know only too well how you are feeling, I had six months of my ex saying she was just a friend and I was paranoid and jealous. Why wasn't he allowed to have female friends? It was just cycling, what's wrong with being fit and healthy? I just went lower and lower, knowing there was much more to it, knowing I was right, but he would never admit it. It was torture when we all went out together, and they would flirt with each other, under the guise of friendship. So, I stopped going, it became too much to deal with, The rest is history.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, we are all with you, holding your hand and cheering you on as you make progress. It is horrible, this process, it eats away at you a little at a time, until you feel like you're not the same person, but you are, underneath, maybe a little different, harder around the edges. But that's no bad thing, we need to toughen up to survive, we can't let the bastards grind us down can we?
Love to everyone, xx

iwas the kittens are fabulous darling! Well jel,

Hope you are better soon Izzie my love, an abscess< shudder> how awful! Take care of yourself, get those boys waiting on you hand and foot, if not tell them an angry hobbit will be descending on them !

Sounds agony Izzie hopefully by the 'morrow the antib's will have kicked in and you'll be all chipper again. Try to sleep well. Failing that, get drunk.

ali regarding friends any who said they wished to 'remain friends with both of us' I chose to distance myself from - simply because I couldn't bear hearing about him. It was a sad, but necessary self-protection thing. However, the one thing which will happen is you will find friends in the most unexpected of places. It takes time, effort, and a bit of courage, but just say 'yes' to any and every social event and you'll meet some amazing people over time. That was hard for me (I'm not normally an out-going person but I'm learning to be).

And focusing on ANYTHING is problematic. My head went to mush for months. Couldn't remember to do anything without writing it down in words of one or two syllables! It's coming back although I think the gin did do some damage!

WhyMe so sorry you've had a really difficult few days. I hope things are a little easier with your daughter now, that must have been so hard when she said she liked OW. The quote from your ex must have been infuriating.

OldWiseOne it is scary thinking about the future, especially at our age. I try and not think too far ahead now although there are obviously are things you need to decide on. Just think about today and then deal with tomorrow. We really don't know what the future will hold, none of us expected to be in this position when it happened so our future hasn't gone the way we planned it. Whereas we might have thought we had a happy future and that has all changed so thinking that we will have a sad and lonely future doesn't mean it will happen that way. Good luck with the application for the voluntary job, I am sure something like that will help a lot with the solitude.

Rozalia I'm jealous that you have got hens. Re your comments on this thread I don't swear that much well not as much as Izzie but I probably have eaten more Easter Eggs than all of you put together! The thread has been helpful to lots of us and pleased it is helping you too.

Fuckit so sorry about your son, that must be very hard for you. Good that he's recovered okay and hopefully as he says he will learn from the scare. x

Bobs your plastic duck race comment me laugh, thank you.

Semtex welcome and sorry about your situation. I find it very sad as well that these men can be so cruel to the woman that they were supposed to love and the mother of their children in a lot of cases especially when it has been them who have been in the wrong.

Once I am so sorry about your daughter, that must have been heartbreaking for you.

Izzie pleased the kitchen is done.

Hi Donki...your journey to here sounds awful too. We don't judge so feel free to scream and shout with us.

Izzie...big hugs...hope you manage to get some sleep and feel better in the morning.

Your diary list is so sad.

Love the kittens Iwas. Absolutely gorgeous.

As for stupid/classic things they say...

1. There is no other woman. I swear.
2. I've left, we've separated, I've fallen for someone else. It's as simple as that.
3. If you use a solicitor you'll lose the house. This is not a threat.
4. This is another example of your controlling behaviour... (a classic response to almost every email).
5. This is not harassment... (footnote to majority of texts)
6. Before you reply to this email this is not a threat.
7. I may have exaggerated on the court papers.

Reasons for leaving...him to me.....

1. You watched corrie on sky plus and didn't meet me at the door when I got in from work. (WTF! am I a bloody border collie)
2. My rest days should be rest days not doing things round the house (!)
3. We're not moving on. (well he bloody did...all the way to the OW)
4. I need romantic love.
5. You never made the first move.
6. I deserve more.
7. The children will be happier.
8. My job was responsible for the break up.
9. It not because of your illness.

There are probably lots more stored in my head.

He's also surpassed himself again this week. Got another stack of letters today from my solicitor.

The weasel wants to change the majority of the court order including the next court date. He's contacted the court and said that I'm being unreasonable WTF!

He really does think the world revolves around him.

I feel like screaming at him...YOU'VE GOT THE FUCKING COURT ORDER - NOW STICK TO IT!...apologies just had to do that.

WhyMe sorry sweetheart, rant away. He certainly deserves it. Hope you're getting good advice from your Solicitor. x

Hobbit it is so hard when they go on holiday. As you say it highlights the differences in your lives too, he's swanning off and you're left dealing with all the shit and stress.

1 it must be so difficult still living with him like you are. I did it for a short while and it was very stressful living with the tension and upsetting. When I asked him to move out I felt relief as well as upset Your husband sounds a bit like my ex-DH with his thinking that you still want him. I've had "you do care" thrown at me and he makes a point of telling me that he knows it will upset me if he tells me something about him and OW.

Good that you are getting great support from your parents and you are right, you can do this and hopefully at some point in the future you will look back and feel a lot happier than you are living with him at the moment. Yes it is very exhausting and draining. I had all sorts of physical aches and pains which weren't age related and felt mentally drained. I do still feel mentally drained just not so much as I did. The lack of sleep doesn't help with the exhaustion and that the mind never switches off. Constantly thinking about everything all the bloody time is very draining.

Rozalia "the affair was something for me!!!" I think twunt is being polite.

WWK I'm not surprised that MrSW thought you were unreasonable. It was perfectly acceptable for you to live in a caravan with him monitoring your spending! Maybe when he is declared bankrupt you could buy him a toy caravan and send it to him!

Tabby well done, you should be proud of what you did. They really do have a sense of entitlement don't they! Sid thought he would be able to talk me round when I found out about his affair too, but I didn't want to be married to a cheat and a liar. My kittens are a very good distraction.

Welcome Donki, am so sorry, you have had a really rough time. I can't really advise on moving on as haven't managed it myself but it seems to be a question of time however frustrating that is. With regards to hearing and seeing your STBXH as others have suggested try and have a set time when they have say night on Skype and try and be in a different room at that point.

With regards to collection and drop off. When he is outside could he give one ring on the phone so that your DS knows he is outside and he could meet him at the door without you needing to be there for the actual handover and something similar for drop off. One ring for he's outside, then you could leave the door open for your STBXH to take him to the door while you are not at the actual door. At least that way you won't have to actually speak to him.

OldWiseOne keeping busy is good, hope you enjoyed your Zumba class.

Family hope you are doing okay.

WWK the kittens haven't actually used the scratching bit of the scratching post yet although they like the ball on it!

Hobbit yes "moving on" is a lot harder when it is you that is doing it! Very complex, lots of contradictory feelings and it takes far too bloody long! Even if you know he's a cheating, lying, nasty, spiteful twunt there's still feelings involved and detaching and stopping caring is really difficult. I wouldn't have Sid back for all the money in the world but I still love him although I wish I didn't.

WWK the only right way to deal with our situations is the way that we chose to deal with it. How we approach it is right for us and that will vary considerably for each of us.

1 I understand totally how much help the thread can be, good it's helping you too. It is difficult with friends. We didn't really go out that much in recent years, just occasionally so haven't really been out with any couples that we used to see since I split up with my ex-DH in December. Have had a few meals where I have just been out with the wife and not seen the husband. My sister's husband is close to my ex-DH and they still see each other and I see quite a bit of BIL so it's a bit awkward but BIL has been good. One of my closest friends was sadly widowed a few years back so there hasn't been an issue there.

The reality of divorce is maybe dawning on your husband. Work is hard for me as I work with my ex-DH. I am sure when you are back at work the children will keep you occupied and you will be okay.

Hobbit it's horrid when you suspect but you're not certain enough isn't it. When the OW is a friend too it's an extra kick in the teeth. They're probably boring themselves silly talking about cycling and lycra. x

Arrggghhhh....the insomnia has returned with a vengeance, even with the beta blockers my head won't switch off. All these different scenarios whirling around my brain, what will i say, what will he counter with? Just stupid

Fuck, fuckity fuck! I'm so sick of this now, I just want to get it over with, and the thought of ff and bf in Cyprus for a week is pissing me off as well. I'm gonna make sure I get a holiday in as well, I need one!

Whyme the man is infuriating. Next he'll be saying that the judge 'misunderstood' what he meant and the court order was wrong...but it's all horribly stressful for you. Hold onto the thought that last time you left court relieved, and he left pissed off. You're not being unreasonable, and try as much as you can, to not let his viciousness get to you. You're still susceptible to "he says" phenomena, which is perfectly understandable, and it IS really hard to change our mindset to "I say, I know" but I hope it's coming for you. I know this is hard but KOKO - it will get easier. One day at a time.

Hobbit time goes horribly slowly when you're into the count down to an event, it is no wonder insomnia is taking over. The scenario-ing is perfectly natural. Almost no conversation ever goes to plan so don't think about counters so much, think about the points you want hammering home. What "he says" is of lesser importance to you, than what you say. I hope you have a pen and paper with you at all times to jot down thoughts, notes, ideas of things to remember to ask him/mediator or things you want to make clear, especially Bobs suggesting that make sure you can answer the question "What are you expecting from this meeting?". Off the top of my head I'd want to say:

• to be listened to and to have my concerns heard and discussed in a fair way. To not be interrupted.
• to not be told by FF what my views, thoughts and feelings are, but to be allowed to express what they actually are with regard to the future and separating the assets.
• specifically to discuss our son's Asperger's, and how that affects his going needs. He may well be an adult in terms of age, but his special needs cannot be wished away. FF's attitude to our son's needs, first and foremost, is what is causing me the most distress.
• for FF to accept both our needs, and that of our youngest must be paramount in our minds when we discuss any division of the assets, and future financial needs, then and only then can wishes be considered. At the moment, I am having to counter FF's needs and wants lists, which I am repeatedly told is 'fair'. This feels unbalanced to me and specifically why I have requested mediation as a first step.
• some conclusion of our next steps should mediation prove unsuccessful.

Another morning dawns and surprise surprise the last few months really have happened and I'm not in fact dreaming that my marriage is down the toilet - it really is.

Reading this thread has yet again be helpful - thank you.

Izzie - sounds truly horrendous. Look after yourself.

Hobbit your experience with OW is truly shocking. No woman should do that to another woman, let alone your ex betraying you like that. They deserve each other. The Lycra panted packs of cyclists are literally everywhere in our roads and lanes at the moment. If I see yours, I'll do you a favour ....... I wonder how people who know their partner is a liar and a cheat can relax with each other? If they can leave a long marriage - which normally means there were at least some positives within the union and children - surely these OW know that leaving them would be a doddle by comparison?? You're right though - can't let the buggers grind us down - certainly not any more. Obviously don't want to say too much about location on this thread but I'm the western side of Severn Bridge too. Bore da!!

Wwk thanks for the reassurance about head going to mush. It's been worrying me. Friends thing interesting too. Obviously no one knows atm on the local friends front but I'm not sure how many I could bear to socialise with after it becomes common knowledge. I also want DCs not to have to endure gossip and our social circle mostly have kids who know ours. I hope that I'll be able to meet some new people - despite rural location.

iwas I guess the truth is I do love him and he knows it. My parents have been rock solid in their support. My mum says I need perhaps to accept that I love him but treat it as a bereavement. The person I love doesn't exist any more. Any sign of 'the old' HRT is tricky but the 'new one' I can and will live without. Glad exhaustion normal too and it's not just me. I've always slept well but he's taken that as well for the time being. He meanwhile has no such problem.... Yes, I think work will help - if I actually get my brain together for long enough to plan something to teach.

Talking of which it's 10.30 aagh.

Hope everyone is able to koko today xx

Trying to koko, 1ali3. Woke up the same as you, it's not all a nightmare then? Incredulous at myself for staying in an abusive marriage for so long. What's the matter with me? I'm planning to resume Freedom Programme next week.

Your Mum sounds smart. I am mourning a man who didn't actually exist. So that's my dad and husband gone in the same week. My sister has reminded me of some horrors from our childhood which I had not thought about for years. My dad had a temper, shall we say. My mother was downright sadistic. Well, I guess I've just answered my own question about what's wrong with me.
This shit is hard. I wonder what it would be like to have someone strong and supportive, always there for you? I'm always the "strong" one, strong spouse, sibling, child. Looking after everyone else. I doubt I would recognise somebody nurturing me, it would seem strange.

I've kept up with the exercise, crawling through probate ( my sister's not really in a position to do any of it), house doesn't look too dilapidated, making myself eat healthily. From the outside I look quite together. In my head I'm saying What???? How??? What next??? Aaaaarrrgggghhhh!!! Not in a happy way. I wonder when I will feel relaxed and happy again?

Twunt keeps texting this morning, sorry I'm angry, wants us to be friends. I'm sure he does, I've propped him up emotionally for 18 years and he doesn't function too well without that. I'm ignoring phone now and getting on with stuff.

The shit is so hard

1 You've bit the nail on the head. The man you married no longer exists. Mourn his passing, and be glad to be shot of the imposter in his body

Hobbit mediation, is it 14th? Thinking of you. Listen to what WWK says, and remember......you have all the time in the world to negotiate a fair settlement. Don't be rushed, bulldozed by him. The end result will be worth the interim. No, you shouldn't have to go through the interim, of course

I loved the daily mascot picture yesterday, absolutely beautiful. Even though I was feeling totally awful yesterday, it warmed my heart

My infection seems to be proving very resistant to antibiotics, but at least the constant pain has gone. I'm supposed to be at the dentist again tomorrow, I've decided against root filling and going for extraction. Not sure if I will be in a fit state for extraction, though, I find it very difficult swallowing and almost impossible to swallow and breathe on my back. Happy days! And of course I look like a hamster with a double chin. If I was a hamster, I would have put myself to sleep the last two days

There is a lot more I was going to reply to in the last few days. Will work through it later.

Roz yes it is so hard. I'm blessed to have my parents still. I know that several of the lovely ladies on this thread sadly don't and some that do would probably be better off without them - you included by the sounds of it.

My HRT is busy rewriting history. The Eagles song 'you see it your way and I see it mine' seems to epitomise our conversations at the moment.

I'm cautious about doing what he is doing and rewriting the script of our marriage so that it suits me, but there is little doubt in my mind that he will struggle to be alone. He has several personality traits that a reasonable person might struggle with overtime and I can't see him changing in his 50s but who knows.......that would be quite flipping annoying if he miraculously turned into perfect husband material. Hey ho. What can be done except for ignoring unreasonable and upsetting behaviours and to KOKO?? Xx you are right though - this is so so hard

Twunt used to call every morning about 7, but I stopped him doing that. Apparently he misses me most in the morning. Probably because I used to iron his shirt, make him porridge sprinkled with cinnamon and apple slices, then make his lunch. Either a salad, freshly picked from the garden or soup made from vegetables I had grown myself.

I expect he does miss some kind of 50s idyll. I don't. And I will nurture myself by making soups and salads for me. No more endless toast and cornflakes. Not doing any ironing for me though, unless absolutely necessary.

Good morning everyone.

On the sleep front, I didn't want to mention the sleepless nights in the run-up to a meeting Hobbit but you've obviously found that out for yourself! Yes it normally starts about a week before each meeting. From experience, doing exercise can help tire you out, or seeing friends in the evening can help take your mind off things. Alcohol only ensures that first couple of hours sleep. I have actually found that after 3 meetings my thoughts are not now all-encompassingly about divorce and fuckwittery. For me it's also about how much control I have over the situation - ergo after the last meeting I told him how it would be, and I feel all the better for it.

As I said, at the first meeting I don't think much is expected re proposals. It's more to learn what your rights are and what should be taken into account. If one of you has a proposal to put forward, so much the better (I did at the end of the meeting). If he tries to put one forward straight away, I would just put it down without looking at it/ask for it at the end of the meeting. Say you want to hear from the mediator first about anything that should be taken into account re negotiations.

Izzie abcesses are nasty things

ali I live in the middle of nowhere (not even a corner shop!) and have made friends locally and all over the country. It IS not so easy, but not so difficult. You've also got older children so you don't need to be at home all evening. The biggest plus, in my opinion, is he is around the home right now...so I'd start thinking about one or two evening activities (night school, weekend outings via meet up?). I know you'll be thinking 'but I've got no motivation, willpower, nothing interests me, etc' but doing this now is vital. It is the forcing yourself out the home that is hard, not being out of it, in my experience. AND - the problems he faces now he's decided to venture out on his own (maybe!) are his, and his alone. You've got your own demanding set of problems to deal with - let's not spread yourself too thin in the early days: you're going to need every ounce of stamina to get through this and thrive again. It's a marathon, not a sprint, so no extra burdens, eh?

Roz nothing requires ironing. He's gone. Pack up the iron and ironing board along with his stuff for him to collect. And well done for starting FP - it will help. KOKO.

Izzie hopefully tomorrow the mouth pain will be gone. Lots and lots of us get very frequent episodes of ill health during divorce, it's the stress of it, so it's no wonder you're taking a physical battering right now. Lots of lying down and self-indulgence is your motto to get through the day.

Everyone Also, we should get ahead of the game this time - who would like to run the bar going forward? I think it's still a very popular drinking hole...and the great thing about this bar is there's no clearing up to be done at the end of the night!

De-lurking to say that you are all amazing. Years ago I was seeing a great bloke and we split up when I found out that he had been seeing another woman behind my back and she was pregnant and already had a young child with him. After a couple of years we got back together, he'd split up with OW when we broke up. Guess what, he went off with someone else again! He ended up cheating on her too and the one after (you get the picture).

He totally broke my heart at the time and it took me a long time (years) to get over him which is probably why I went back to him. We didn't live together or have DC and I know how hard it was so I think you are all doing absolutely incredible.

I'm long since over him now and have a good life. No DP but I'm happy and pleased I'm not my ex's cheated on and oblivious wife because these men really don't change.

Love the animal pictures, and Roz I've ironed once in about 15 years!!

KOKO x

Going forward I vote for Mother to continue (aka WWK ). She's done a good job managing the bar and keeping us all in line (so far!), plus we have a few new regulars now.

The other great thing about this bar is there is no throwing out time