HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

AwHobbit and Jess, both as lovely. I'm not surprised you're anxious my love. I'm sure it won't be half as bad as you think, you have played all worst case scenarios in your mind already. He won't be able to stand his ground on his ridiculous offer for ever. Just remember what's been said already, you take your time replying, and hold firm. If he wants to drag it out, so be it. But what you don't do is to cave in. This is not a time limited offer, or take the money open the box. Be guided by the mediator and your SHL.

I'm willing the time on for you. The waiting is awful

I could be heading that way myself now after yesterday. I'm bricking it a bit too, wondering if something will hit the in box. But knowing him, he will do it when it suits. Aargh lets not even mention angry twat.

I like the colour coordination in the photo, pink tongue, pink blanket. You don't just throw these pics together, do ya?

I've been in agony with tooth, seeing dentist tomorrow. Meantime having gone through the mountainous stockpile of ibuprofen yesterday I sent DS1 out to get co codamol. I'm told they are strong and addictive. Not taken them long ago, but maybe......bloody hope so before my stomach needs pumping. Done sod all today due to bloody pain.

Lovely girl

Some of us need a laugh today. I love this clip. I'm as bad as the host when I watch it

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HfuxgQJ8sk

Izzie try mixing 1 paracetamol and 1 ibuprofen together - really works! Just remember you can only take 6 Ibuprofen and 8 paracetamol a day. Also make sure you eat with ibuprofen - really bad for your stomach otherwise. When I had tooth problems I went to the doctor and he gave me stronger painkillers straight away - Kapek. Only took one at a time though as 2 made me really woozy

Hobbit cute pic! doesn't look so chillin' as expectant though (you bribing her with chocolate to get these pics?)

I know just how you're feeling. You say he's going to be all calm and detached which is actually a good thing as much better than ranting. Just remember - the reality will be far better than the waiting - it's the expectation/not knowing bit that's shit! The first thing we were asked was what we expected to get from the meetings, so I should have something ready - it will give you the upper hand

Thanks bobs, I started mixing adding paracetamol into it yesterday night! but I won't tell you how many! you would have a fit! The cocoa ol seems to have done the trick. Apart from touching the tooth, I now feel fine. Wow! Now I have a high pain threshold but last night and partly today I was crying with the pain.

Good advice re mediation btw. You have a very level head on you, definitely in WWK mould.

I've just had chicken soup. That takes me back to a number of months ago.

Don't forget we still need more contributions for the twunt classic comments.

Thanks all, that just put the top hat on it hearing he had gone on holiday with her for a week, not that he had told any of us, by the way, he didn't have the courtesy to do that, just like he didn't have the courtesy of telling me he had moved in with her, I just had to find out third hand.

He is such a coward!

I've got plenty of MLC twunt comments;

1. Don't worry, I wont see you in the gutter.
2. But, don't you want me to be happy?
3. I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
4. She 'lifts'me.
5. Let's make this amicable, we don't need to involve solicitors, they are just vultures.
6. I 'aspire' for ds2 to live independently and financially self supportive.

Now, although I do of course want the very best for my ds2, what mother wouldn't ? I am realistic in accepting that probably won't be the case, and I am the one least able to take the financial risk of providing for him for the forseeable future.

So you can see ladies why I am totally anxious about the outcome for us,
If it was just me, I'd be ok, but it isn't, and that's why I'm concerned.

I entirely understand your concerns Hobbit. As has been said by bobs, DS2's situation will be priority in the financial scheme. FF may choose to believe otherwise, but it's not for him to decide. Sorry I would have replied earlier but have been asleep.

I will update the twunts list later, meantime I have the equivalent of three of those on the list. I bet we all do.

Their right to privacy. Oh surely you must know that! My twunt would also bugger off and not say anything. And he also has decided that "his" spending is his business. I don't see his credit card bill but he sees mine, because I'm an authorised user on another card of his. And now I don't have a means of credit. Last time I applied in my own right, on my own salary, I got declined because I couldn't service the two mortgages we have on my salary.

Coward. Oh yes, like the way mine ignored DS2 for three weeks because DS2 didn't buy his excuse for. Not helping here. Plenty of other examples, he can't face anything. He still stonewalls, just ignores texts. I sent for example a very relevant one about her planting evidence on a phone a number of years ago. The text though I sent recently. Totally ignored. Doesn't suit him to answer it. Because he can't deny the truth. I got yesterday something about how he knows things I don't. Something all mysterious but basically bullshit. Oh I can't think about him, I want to smack him. He has turned I to the most despicable opinionated piece of shit. Nothing like the man I married. Well she's welcome to him. If she's that desperate she will settle for someone who is aggressive, opinionated and bitter, that saves me the bother.

MLC twunt comment

If you divorce me I'll make sure everything we own goes to the lawyers rather than see you get a penny.
She's my soulmate.
It's not about you it's about me and OW.
She's giving me all the emotional support that you should have given me.
She only gave me one blowjob.

And another one that's so so funny but I really can't put it as I'm sure it's quite unique to my particular twunt.

Twunt quote: the affair was something for me as I spend all my time doing things for everyone else.

That would be going to work, taking ill son to hospital, spending time on home and garden then, you know, the things grown ups do.
Obviously your brand new car, brand new fitness equipment and 3 holidays going exactly where you wanted and doing exactly what you wanted, weren't actually for you.

What you were entitled to, you poor suffering man, was to have an affair with another man's wife, breaking up 2 families in the process. It's the least the world owed you.

I kept a bit of a diary over recent years. This is part of a list I did, Feb 2014,

Reasons to Leave

My destiny and happiness will be under my control instead of someone who cannot provide answers or happiness

It is my only realistic chance of having a happy romantic relationship

I have been unhappy for too many years, and my happiness has come from within myself, not from my marriage

He is unwilling and unable to take things forward and to change himself or things for the better

He is like his father

I have spent so much time and effort on baring my soul, trying to guide him through things, and he barely gives it a glance

He flattens my enthusiasm. Many things have been abandoned because of it

I have been by myself for many years already. This is just the next logical step

I will get the benefits of being single instead of none of the pleasures of marriage

He is an emotional retard

I can't face life with him when my children have flown the nest

I am getting more and more damaged and screwed up as time progresses

He has lost me many friends

I am neither a proper married woman nor a proper single woman. I want to be one or the other

I know more happy single people than happy married people and have more in common with them

He will repeat his patterns of adultery, and become more brazen and disrespectful. As already seen

The marriage broke down through failings on his part, and he won't ever change

His priorities are anything except relationship based

I have a good few years ahead with my kids. I want to enjoy them

My kids will leave home prematurely because of the marriage. I lose even more

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiTCRvYMQus

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdBoUlBo_6k

Another diary entry:

Sun 19 Oct 2014
Me doing kitchen, him working. Argument me and DS2 n front of him, sort out your marriage. He said nothing as usual, went upstairs, came down, went on phone, possibly shut screen when I was looking, went out. I eventually drove to hers and around. No sign of car. It's probably got beyond whether someone is or isn't on the scene, because either way it's intolerable. The storming off is another extreme of stonewalling. Fuck knows what's in his head, but this is a toxic existence for me and the kids. Sensibly I should do nothing, say nothing, financially that is the sensible option. And as for him talking, it won't happen if I ask in any shape or form. So best that I just ignore. I need to pick myself up and just get on with things as per [a particular friend of mine] If it's like this at christmas, I will tell my family. He will not be involved in any gatherings with them. DO NOT give him the chance to stonewall you again!!!!,!

The following Sunday he stormed out after an argument. He had left me. I was told when I contacted him the following Friday.

The end of a nightmare, the start of a better life.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4BgyHWCVg8

www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6j4TGqVl5g

Twunt quotes from MrSW (early days) from him to me:

It's all my fault and I'm sorry...Yeah, that story fucking changed come the final hearing to "It's all her fault and I hate the bitch".

I am not having an affair so you can't divorce me for adultery. We will both declare we have been separated for two years. Erm, okay? Two days in actuality, but you don't want to "lie" about having an affair?

Your client has changed the passwords to her bank account...I cannot monitor her spending, she must send me copies of her accounts to immediately And no, he got them several months later...

Your client does not need to spend money on insurances, maintenance costs or other costs relating to marital property as I will cover these... (and stupidly I believed him so took them out of my SM claim!!).

It is not necessary for me to disclose, your client has not contributed to this marriage, and therefore, my offer is most generous. This is my final offer and will be withdrawn if you continue to take this unnecessary court action against me. The petitioner will receive 90% of X, Y and Z and, 100% of A, B, and C. All other assets remain my property.

And you lot feel hard done with with 50%!...and he was the fucking petitioner! Even you invert it that was a long way short of what I actually got.

And the legendary:

Your client can live on less than £1,000 per month if she lives in a caravan...If she's sensible with money, she could manage on £500 pounds per month. I will pay her £1,000 per month for four months providing she sends me a copy of her monthly statements so I can monitor her spending. If she is sensible, I will pay her for a fifth month. Yep - I got "Performance Related Pay" for successfully living in a caravan as an incentive...I took him to court for spousal instead...

He never did buy me that caravan. Lying bastard.

Narrow escape WWK you could have got that caravan with the painter chap already installed

Hobbit 6. I 'aspire' for ds2 to live independently and financially self supportive.

So perhaps he could pay support for him until such time as that happens? And if he really wants DS2 to live independently, perhaps he might offer to pay support directly to him until he is earning enough to be able to support himself. Just a suggestion to mull over!

bobs

WWK unbelievable!

I like this:

Twunt quote... We're just friends, but I'm sure she'd love to have an affair with me.. yeah right.. you fat lump of shit ..did make me laugh at the time as he obviously hasnt got a mirror bedroom nowadays

I've had a totally shit day, unable to do anything because of the tooth, and very badly timed after yesterday's exchange with the twunt. It's a totally different world when I have nothing to do with him, no contact, and he's not in my head.

I'm wondering if he really will move on starting re financial settlement. I have mixed feeling about it all. What I most definitely won't relish is the pompous emails that will be coming my way. I will have to steel myself for this and refuse to be bogged down in getting involved with any pettiness on his part, which is time consuming and draining. I will have to ignore answering any pointless questions. And if the tone is far too much, I will have to decide what to do from there, depending on how much longer I would have to endure it. The negotiations are one thing,the tone is going to be the issue for me.

living modest, isn't he? As well as deluded

He's not deluded he is master of the universe dont ya know lol

Oh and I must be a lesbian (his words) funny as I always remember that French and Saunders sketch with them dressed up as fat ugly twats trying to pull the young girls in their office and obviously if the girls werent interested they 'Must be Lesbians'

Master of the Universe, oh I think he must do a job share with Mr SW. Mine is Keeper of the Purse. Obviously he doesn't like to keep too much in it,me acing spent a fortune on his new car. But then he's worth double what I am, right??

Lesbian. If I didn't work with a particular lesbian who would do my head in more than any man on earth, I would consider it.

sad thing is that my DD is actually a real life one.. sad bastard and yes mine was keeper of the purse and actually bought and owns everything in the whole wide world, he is at present making a list of things and will let me have the rest ah bless, thank you mr stbxh's sol for informing me I might get a few screws and washers

Evening ladies. Been having a catch up. Really???? Those are real comments?????? I'm totally stunned. I've already heard a few before, courtesy of HRT, but am still speechless. I guess forewarned is forearmed however but they really are a bunch if twunts - you all have to be a lot better off without them, despite the all too real pain in the meantime.

I've had some respite today from fuckwittery with my dear parents. Talked some options few. Feel that I can do this. Bless them.

HRT is seeing solicitor tomorrow -although just said that he doesn't really want to???? He accuses me of mind games?? He cooked a lovely dinner - ready and waiting when I got home. DCs joked about whether he was ill? Went down well - not. Funny that I've only just started to notice that he only really finds his own jokes funny.

Does anyone else find all this exhausting? I feel continually drained. My dad thinks we should just sell the house to release some cash and go from there. Broached this with HRT and he doesn't want to as that would 'signal the end'. Deal lord, does he think that everything he's said since his announcement hasn't already done that??

I'm wondering whether OW has kicked him into touch or perhaps getting impatient with him for delaying his departure. God knows. He still flatly denies her existence so it's hard to theorise.

I can never and will never forgive him for the last few months. So I guess it's a case of KOKO....

Izzie, a special thank you for you keeping me going this morning. So sorry your tooth is still playing up. Tooth ache is rubbish and debilitating. Here's hoping tomorrow brings an improvement x