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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:
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30
greenberet · 10/04/2015 04:46

Just lost a really long post

Wanted to say without you lovely ladies I would never have got to wher I am now wellhobbittizzieiwas familywhypaddling you have been my life savers. I cam on here when I was really struggling RL support has been great but you lot get it how it is no questions asked. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason but when you are in the middle of deep shit it is hard to work this out. But keep going ladies one step at a time do whatever you have to do to get through ball your eyes out scream & shout just go with the emotions - With izzie on this just get them out! Take this as a learning curve about yourself and about relationships you are in no way responsible for what has happened but you can grow from this. The twunts will play nasty - more than you would ever believe but this is a reflection of their own weakness. - keep strong ladies stick to your principles and gut reactions and know that one day all will come good even if this is a tiny tiny thought deep inside - keep that hope!
Some very strange stuff has been happening to me whether this is karma or something bigger than us outthere I am still undecided- I amthe resident pscychological spiritual nutter on here ??
font I used Twitter as a motivational record posted daily simple pleasures and various quotes describing my mood it helped
iwas I know exactly where you are at - hurts like hell- but does also help the detachment.
I wanted to say for the newbies I never wanted any of this I would have done anything I could to try & make things work for the sake of my kids even throughout the divorce process this has been my focus -my kids and trying to inflict the least harm to them. I was given no choice I am still being given very little choice I have no idea which direction my path is going but I have to accept what is happening I can't change that but I do have control over my own thoughts. I know that I will come out of this a better person and my kids will too and my aim for us all to be happy - this too is a step at a time!

Keep going ladies keep strong kokoxx

Donki · 10/04/2015 07:24

Thank you for taking the time to reply, ladies. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to return.

STBXH texted me yesterday morning to say

"Good morning. What a lovely day. I hope you both enjoy it while I'm stuck inside at work :-)"

He can't see why we can't just be friends.

i wasn'twasn't sure whether to ignore it or tell him to piss off. In the end I sent this:

"It's odd that.

I am suffering from depression triggered by betrayal and abandonment by my much loved husband.

Now I have lost my job, mostly due to depression.

For some reason I'm not enjoying life much."

I wish I could just block him - but it is how we communicate re; the YD

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 07:33

Morning all

I've been up early, and sleep disturbed because of the timing of antibiotics. One at 3.15am and one at 5.30, so been up since 5.30. I tend to get up early, and like to be ready and dressed quickly, but not today, I'm going easy on myself.

I'm not surprised that the infection took such a hold, as WWK said, I've been pushing myself physically for quite a while now. Was particularly busy last week doing more decorating, and totally exhausted myself, so had no energy to fight an infection.

I have had periods over the last 5.5 months where I have done nothing once I got home from work. I listened to my body. I do tend to push myself though.

So ladies, there comes a time when you really do need to slow down, let everything go, and indulge yourself.

And a tip that has nothing to do with all this divorce shit. If you need to have a tooth extracted, try to have it done in hospital rather than at the dentist. Ive previously had a tooth extracted at the dentist, and it was a long drawn out affair. But yesterday, at the hospital, the doctor I originally saw fast tracked me through the system so I could see the max fac surgeon. He actually persuaded him to stay beyond his leaving time so he could deal with me. Well, this surgeon had no bedside manner whatsoever, but he certainly knew how to pull a tooth quickly. As the nurse said, he does so many of them, it's easy for him. Plus of course, there is no charge!

I did feel quite alone at the hospital. A friend dropped me off, I told her to go home, but DS2 was with me. And who forgot that he doesn't do medical stuff. He passed out in the hospital! So I had to get DS1 to leave work and take him home. But the staff were very kind. The original doctor I saw even saw me outside at the end and apologised for rushing me through things to get me to see the surgeon, bless him.

I've always had the ex with me for most things, and venturing out and dealing with allsorts by myself has been quite daunting. But I have to say that whatever I've done, people have been very kind. I'm polite, friendly, down to earth and have a sense of humour, so staff react well to me. I don't worry about getting confused at the self scans, for example, and just joke to the staff, and they are always happy to help. I have a very different approach to the ex, and I can see over many years that I get the better reaction by far from staff. Because I'm a warm person.

Well, that's my stuff and what I think I've learned from the last few days. I did intend posting about others, but I've got sidetracked. So I'm going to do my make up, get dressed, then post re the rest of you. It's 7.30 and I'm still in my dressing gown! Far too late for me!

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 07:35

He can't see why we can't just be friends

They don't get it, do they? They tear your life into little pieces..........

Mine too

Rozalia · 10/04/2015 08:30

He can't see why we can't just be friends - mine too! I was going to post about this today. Apparently Twunt is surprised that I'm still angry. After 7 whole weeks. What is my problem? He's beginning to wonder if it is realistic to expect us to be friends.
I've never said I want to remain friends. I just want a decent settlement and no more Fuckwittery in my life.

Izzie I have a similar attitude to yours and people usually respond in an equally friendly way. Twunt doesn't know how to be with people and it can feel very awkward. He can do seductive, patronising, false jollity or stiff formality. So naturally that was something to pick on me about or try to mimic. Dashed difficult. I feel so much more relaxed now.
Poor DS2. But at least he was there.

I've also had periods of doing nothing. This shit being so hard, it really drains you of energy. Listen to your body, if it wants to rest let it, if you can.

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 09:06

He can't see why we can't just be friends

Not only that, it would be UNFAIR on all of us..........his words.

What he wants is the illusion of a good relationship with all of us.hes getting impatient with DS2 in that respect. If DS2 was just civil to him, he wouldn't bother looking any deeper. It's all about appearance.

I've never said I want to remain friends
But if you suggest otherwise, then you're bitter, spiteful etc. quite why we would want to be friends with someone who has done more damage to us than anyone else......

patronising, false jollity or stiff formality
Seductive? Well, it's definitely not the same man.....

Hobbitwife001 · 10/04/2015 09:21

Loved the poem, WWK , aren't you a clever cat? Proud of you lady, based around Kiplings ' If ' yeah? But from our point of view, Smile

Green , lovely to hear youre doing so well, very encouraging for us not doing so well at the moment, KOKO x

Hi Donki, Roz, and Izzie , yep I get the why can't we just be friends malarkey as well, why would I want to be friends with a deceitful , unfaithful, emotionally bereft twunt? They are deluded aren't they?

Am I the only lazy cow on this thread? Seems so, tee HEE, nah, WWK is as well, kindred lazy cow sisters there, Wink

Housework schmousework, i say, I just have a big blitz once a week, go through the house like a hobbit hurricane, a small tsunami, a tiny tornado!
Otherwise, I'm in bed with the iPad, or watching Netflix.

Glad the painful problem has been extracted from your life Izzmeister just need the other one gone now eh? Chill for a while now, honey, no more over doing things. X

Hobbitwife001 · 10/04/2015 09:29

Actually, in my defence m'lud, I have painted my bedroom, duck egg blue and pale grey, vair posh and feminine, new bedding etc, to get rid of any remnants of FF, but I haven't painted the whole house like Izzie seems to have done, maybe I'll crack on with that when I'm a bit more certain of the situation.

Rozalia · 10/04/2015 09:37

I was accused of being bitter, yesterday. Thought about refuting it, then thought " Meh. Can't be bothered".

Progress.

Your bedroom sounds proper sophisticated Hobbit.

I don't know about painting the whole house, if I manage to vacuum it I'll be pleased.

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 09:38

Hobbit always good to hear from you. My ambition is to have an evening in bed with the ipad. And yes duck egg, love it, I'm into grey and blue too

And you have a very important job to do as official photographer and sausage provider for our mascot. So as long as you shift your arse for a picture each day, you've done your job. I loved the picture yesterday. Today, I think the picture should be dedicated to DS2. I show him the photos, he loves them. I think he would be happy with anything. But maybe if Jess were to pose with something something medical, it might help DS2 to conquer his fears. Smile

yougotafriend · 10/04/2015 09:46

My ex is decorating the house since I left..... It pisses me off cos (a) he was happy for it to stay scruffy for years & (b) where the f*ck is the money coming from? We were skint while I was there and I earn a pretty decent wage!! I never did have full disclosure regarding his wages so clearly he was giving me money each week but earning much more I never knew about.

As he paid me..... I was expected to find the money for everything holidays, kids bdays, Christmas, replacing appliances etc.... What a bloody mug I was!!

Now I'm considering a 2nd job an he's buying new furniture and carpets!!

On a realistic front, at least he's protecting my investment ready for when it's sold!!

Hobbitwife001 · 10/04/2015 10:11

It's a shame I don't match up to it Roz my love! Just for your ds2 Izzie,

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4
HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4
Hobbitwife001 · 10/04/2015 10:13

She is trying to eat the stethoscope there Izzie, I hope your doctor had better manners!

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 11:06

DS2 is still conscious.......aww he loved the picture. Me too. Thank youFlowers

I'm amazed that you found those props so easily, very impressed.

DS2 has passed out at a talk about sexual diseases, a dissection of a liver in biology. Apparently he felt woozy just sitting in the waiting area, but what finished him off was watching my blood pressure being taken. We walked back to the waiting area and bang, he just went. However, he sat fine through a talk about testicular cancer strangely enough! As you can gather, we are not from a line of eminent surgeons.....

greenberet · 10/04/2015 11:19

izzie I was the same when had to attend BC appointments on my own actually cried when they said I needed to be accompanied by an adult as previously would have been STBxh Also having to carry out a preg test before commencement of radiotherapy. But I have found if you are open with people they respond in the same way and have been really touched by some people I have come into contact with. Treat people as you would like to be treated is a good principle. I haven't embarked on any major changes either waiting for outcome before I invest any of myself into house. Hope everyone has a good dayxx

yougotafriend · 10/04/2015 12:38

I've referred myself to a women's aid service, you have to be a client before being able to access the Freedom Programme, the next programme is fully booked, an the one after that won't start to September Sad

It's all a process though an I've taken the first step!!

TheOldWiseOne · 10/04/2015 13:01

I am still in my dressing gown today- where has the hottest day of the year gone to?? Thinking about having a bacon sandwich. Called an elderly relative today that I hadn't been in touch with ( and usually am) to let her know that my husband had ran off - she was so upset. I am going to see her next week. I have had a barrage of e mails this morning with various financial bits and bobs from the runaway. We are at the beginning of all of this but it all seems so daunting! Don't actually feel like doing anything today now. Netflix is a lifesaver at times, isn't it?

TheOldWiseOne · 10/04/2015 13:08

By the way I started to read this thread from the beginning ( didn't get all the way through as yet) - it takes a long time but heartened in a way to read about things that I have been thinking - like looking at people to see if they have a wedding ring on ( not men and not in that way ) but just in comparison. I end up thinking " why am I in this situation? I am not a bad person..I look good for my age. I am a kind person etc etc" All very sorry for myself but it just happens.... You can also start questioning yourself about what kind of wife you have been and that is a bad road. You start listening to their "unhappiness" and the fact that I didn't "praise him enough"...I know I have been a good wife ( I have never lied and I have never cheated) and I have been respectful and decent.

Izzie595 · 10/04/2015 13:15

Got a text from the ex asking how I was this morning. Replied saying how I was. He replied "miss you" WTF.

familyofthree2014 · 10/04/2015 13:29

Izzie Have you replied?? How odd.

Hobbitwife001 · 10/04/2015 13:33

Now, let's get one thing straight here ladies;
We have done nothing to deserve this, so no blaming or fat shaming or heart searching, no 'what if's' or buts, no listening to their whining and complaining, yes, relationships sometimes do run their course, no one is forced to stay with their partner, but, and it's a fucking big BUT, there is a way to do it with regard for the other persons feelings and with some form of empathy and concern.

That is not the way these men have behaved, not in any way, shape or form, so stand firm in the face of their verbal diarrhoea, ignore and disregard their comments, they think they can still dictate what they 'want' and 'need' , they are deluded and entitled. And complete cunts!

1ali3 · 10/04/2015 13:34

Morning all, love the poem. Always been one of my favourites but your version gratefully received as a morale boost WWK - well done :-)

It has struck me reading through everyone's threads that you are witty, compassionate, creative, nurturing, caring, trusting, loyal and supportive ladies with a fair bit of spirit thrown in. What were the twunts thinking of?? Unless they have literally found a non-selfish sex goddess, who looks like Kate Middleton or similar, with the culinary skills of Mary Berry and the compassion of Mother Theresa plus who doesn't mind another family in the back ground about whom he will eventually start to feel guilty (but regardless of the guilt thing will have to pay for anyway) what the hell are they doing??? I know, let's not waste energy trying to fathom the unfathomable. MLC man and all that but even so.......

Had a tricky start to day with some texts that upset me. Not his intention to, but of course MLC man doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own. Silly me.

Feeling better now. The word 'better' being relative however.

KOKO all xx

FuckitAndStartAgain · 10/04/2015 13:35

I wish none of us had to live through this. I am desparatly trying to believe life will get better but an running out of Umph.

Mediation is very scary but has to be top of my list for next week. The baby will be arriving soon and that will I am sure slow everything down. They are so happy, I really don't understand how people can be happy having trodden on others to get there.

Should I try and play the middle lad, although adult, needs support and care? I do t know. I think he will say I failed to keep him out of danger. Is true but he had somewhere safe to come home to. Listened to an old woman's hour podcast about how women should not live off their ex husbands. These seems to support that. But how? How can I pay the bills? I don't earn enough and that income is threatened by my failures.

I really really do not know what to ask for and do. There is not enough money for us all now there is another dependent adult and child. I do not we how it can work.

Bigger, been trying not to post as pulling you all down. Just wanted to say hi and how.

1ali3 · 10/04/2015 13:38

Just seen your post Izzie - maybe he's found OW wasn't in fact "a sex goddess etc etc......" Stand firm. Listen to Hobbit xx

1ali3 · 10/04/2015 13:45

fuckit you certainly don't pull me down and I'm sure others agree. Don't ever think that. I have to go out now but I'm sure some support will be along soon. You are having a really tough time with an extremely difficult set of circumstances. I'm in awe of how some of you ladies cope with your situations Flowers