HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

I posted that last bit under the rule about being honest, I suppose, and being able to admit that, shit, this is hard. I've had these setbacks before. And having read a very long thread before he left, about a group of women all in our situation, I hope this will serve as some comfort or use to others who may one day read our threads when we are posting stuff no longer connected to our current situations.

One day I will find that thread again. Thank you to all those women. I read it in the week leading up to the end of my marriage. I'm so glad I did.

You have written very articulately this evening Izzie . I think you've really confused him as he is now realising he's lost you and this is messing with his head. So while you are now showing detachment towards him, which is good, you are then coming on here to write it all down to get it into perspective.

My stbx used to try to wind me up as a form of control - knock me down, build me up etc. He hated when I detached. I think by your detaching, it shows him that you don't care as much about him as you used to do

I don't think any of us on here are bitches, despite what we post. We are all just intensely hurt by twunts who do not value us.

I desperately need to detach. Absolutely desperately. So difficult with a 4 year old. Maybe this will become easier once financial hearings are done with.

So I'm intrigued - I wanna know where iwasland is?????

If money was no object, we could just hire a limo or such-like and spend a week travelling to each other's homes, spy on each other's twunts and stay in posh hotels (and drink and eat lots) during which WWK could give us the benefit of her extensive knowledge. all form Es, As, W,X,Y & Zs completed by the time we finished the trip

Thank you so much MrsC. I know you struggle with your feelings, and as for the OW, different personalities but both just as vile and manipulative. I was thinking of the parallels in our stories as I was writing some of my stuff.

Your dignity shines through in every single post. You are an inspiration as much as WWK

I will take a gin to mean any drink except gin! I tried it once when I was underage. Got some from the drinks cabinet. Kept adding more and more and more and more......tonic water........and was gutted to find it was still bloody revolting. I soo wanted to be able to be a g&t person. Still do, really. Perhaps I will try it again sometime.

I feel gutted for you that it is so difficult to detach MrsC . You just can't switch off your feelings. It does take time - I think I did it gradually during our whole marriage so that he couldn't hurt me any more, and only stayed with him in the mistaken belief it would be better for the DDs - stupid, stupid me!

I think it will really help when all your finance shit is sorted

Izzie it was probably the tonic that you didn't like

You will detach I time, MrsC. If it's any consolation to you there is another saying to contradict "out of sight, out of mind" Which is "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

And yes, the end of the hearings will at least allow you to get him out of your head for a bit. Although I have to admit that when I'm painting, the thoughts of him etc are swirling round all the time. I commented once about what on earth did I think about before all of this!

Process, process, process......

bobs hahaha.

And thanks for your comments re my stuff tonight.

Right, ladies, I must go have a bath then get to bed. And then tomorrow I may just start the twunts gallery. I have finally found a famous person who MREXizzie vaguely resembles. All I can reveal is that ......well I can't really. Except to say that I most definitely do NOT resemble his ex partner.

I've got a big note in the kitchen saying GIN.

If anyone guesses correctly before I post, the prize is a bottle of gin

Steve Martin. I don't know why, that's just who came into my head :-)

Thanks for your kind words of advice about detachment girls. I would like to detach his dick and reattach it to the end of his nose. That might do it!

Some wit on here tonight

"people" that spring to mind...

Shrek
Giant Haystacks

Off to bed to think of more MREXIzzies x

I would like to detach his dick and reattach it to the end of his nose

Reminds me of the joke about someone going to a fancy dress party with one stuck to his nose. And when asked who he was meant to be, replied "Fuck nose..."

I'm awake from my sleep in the bath.

Giant Haystacks!! No, forget the pregnancy stomach. The clue is that he has an ex, famous for being his ex. A proof that money doesn't buy good taste in clothes.

MrsC is closest bobs on a different planet-

Off to bed now xx

Izzie Chris Tarrant? Hugh Grant? Gazza?

Green I am fascinated by this new man of yours...good luck with the treatment this week.

Hobbit Keep Calm and don't upset the dog...how long 'til mediation?

Bobs I can complete Form E with my eyes closed these days...I have seen some shockers in my time...like last week's when a STBXH declared his income as 30K per annum, but his spending needs as 130K per annum. Teeny tiny problem with his maths there...so I can give Algebra lessons too (if that's what you meant by x, y and z's too!)

MrsC I have a cunning plan...as cunning as the pineapple at the end of my nose.

I am off gallivanting this week in my shiny new car - but don't think I'm not keeping my eye on everyone!

Your situation is different to a lot of our stories on here Izzie, it's complicated and long standing, and you are bound to feel some measure of regret and sorrow at the breakdown of such a long marriage.

But you are a strong lady, and you will get through this. I wish I could be friendly with my ex, it would make things a lot easier, but there is too much hurt and betrayal involved. I certainly wouldn't hug him when he left, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire!

He is now emailing me asking me what I want re settlement, so he can 'consider' it before we go to mediation, I don't know if I should reply and tell him my plans or just wait, our appointment is on the day before my birthday next month, what do you ladies think, spill or keep schtum?

Chin up lovely Izzie , gawd your house must be immaculate,

Sorry, missed out on reading a whole page of stuff, D'oh! Posted before I saw it

I'd keep stumm for now - as first you've got some questions regarding his Form E, no? Then you'll consider what would work for you after that, I think. However, if you can negotiate without mediation, it will be cheaper. Perhaps send him a 'questionnaire' or a list of things you want further info on/his views on -e.g. caring for your son.

A short reply as am at work. But I agree I wouldn't show my hand. As for negotiating without mediation, I intend to do via email. It's impersonal and , again, you don't give away anything by them seeing your reactions. Obviously it's less immediate. But I would want time to absorb things anyway in between

Intrigued now , izziemeister , re who ex looks like?

Richard Gere? Michael Douglas? Too high end?

Paul Daniels ? Johnny Vegas ?

Ah, I know, Bill Clinton! < I did not have relations with that woman>

My ex has been likened to Nicholas Cage, without the dyed hair or dodgy wig, I HATE Nicholas Cage, so maybe that's where I went wrong!

I luffs this game,

Yeah, that's good advice WWK, thanks lovely, I will do that, just don't know if he's going to go running off to his solicitor to finagle a cunning plan, don't think so though, he's a dumb fuck for someone who's supposed to be intelligent.

Hahaha I luffs it too

Yes the Clinton deniability defo!

Johnny Vegas haha but I would take his monkey

Actually I'm thinking ken Barlow maybe. Yeah not Gary Barlow. A pillar of respectability but has has more affairs than Eccles gets walks

I also hate the fact that he will share all this with her, get her opinion on things, she is a social worker and will know quite a bit about such stuff I'm guessing. I hate her knowing my business [ angry]

Rage building again, time for a beta blocker!

Bill Roache? Wasn't he a bit dodgy? Not bad looking for an old gimmer tho' !