HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Hello all, sorry I haven't commentated on posts recently, hope to catch up a bit later. Thought you might like some positive news so here are the new additions to our family and much prettier than Sid!

1all it's sounding more and more like he said his big announcement to keep you in line and to keep you begging and doing the pick me dance. Now you've stopped doing that he's all at sea poor diddums. It makes me wonder if he ever had any intention of leaving at all what with putting it off for months and his shock that you seem to have accepted it. When you look back you will be proud of the moment you took back some control. They expect us to be doormats, mine did, he nearly collapsed from shock when I refused to give my blessing to his affair and said I was going to divorce him, looking back now that is one of my proudest moments.

Oh Iwas they are gorgeous.

Hi all, I luffs that card Izzie, if only I could :(
Been quizzing tonight, came second.... Out of two teams.. Ha ha
Must of lost a few brain cells along with the twunt!

Twunt quote: I need some 'me' time, I'm tired of being unnapreciated in this house.
WTAF? Did he want us all to bow down and kiss his feet when he came in

Hello Ladies
I have ventured in here looking for help.

How do you move on?

STBXH started an affair with a much younger junior colleague at work in Feb 2014 and was quickly discovered because he is crap at lying. He decided to leave for her, saying he 'still cared' for me but wwasn't 'in love' with me any more. He moved out in mid May last year.
His treachery and betrayal triggered serious depression in me which led to 4 months off work. I was then diagnosed with breast cancer and was off work until Jan this year. The Young Donki is 12 and has AS. He has had to cope with transition to secondary school on top of everything else, and his behaviour can be.... challenging. Oh, and I have just lost my job.

The problem is that every time I see or hear STBXH it brings everything back and I get angry and depressed again.

I need a clean break - but the YD needs to see his Dad. So I hear STBXH evety evening when they skype to say good night.
I see STBXH every Tuesday when he collects the YD for the evening and every other weekend at collection and drop off.

I just wish STBXH had had the grace to drop dead. It would be easier for me - because this is like his ghost coming back to haunt me and remind me of all the anger and pain every day.

I am stuck and don't know what to do.
Well, finish moving all his stuff out and get a divorce, but it won't solve the problem of his revenant "ghost"

I still half love him half want to wring his neck.

It is such a mess.
The bastard.

Ho Donki so sorry to hear about your situation. There are others on this thread who have experience of the problems you are facing - challenging DC, cancer and losing their job. As for the moving on..well it's something that has been asked loads on hear. For myself, I started the process years ago while I was still married on that I detached more and more in self preservation. I think developing more interests, finding new friends and time all help. Other than that it's developing a state of mind where you just think "meh" every time you think of him

Sorry - I'm crap at typing on my phone

Me too...

I look forward to meh. I'm moving towards meh at a glacial speed.

Sorry to hear of your difficult time Donki. What is it with these men? At a time when you need their support and love they're off in love with their own egos. OW could almost be interchangeable so long as they supply the adoration and novelty.

Donki there are many women on this thread with experience and compassion and a willingness to help. It's a good place to be when we're going through this crap.

My twunt found the time I was spending with very ill son in hospital a useful cover for his shagging. He knew where I was and claimed he was working late. How do they live with their nasty little selves?

WelcomeDonki my love, this shit is so hard isn't it? That's our mantra on this thread, so just come and vent all your frustration here, we will understand and try to offer advice or just some hand holding when you need it. Do you have RL support? I hope so, friends and family will want to help,you if they can.

I understand your anger and despair, we all do, my husbands betrayal with someone I thought was a friend has nearly broken me, I also have a son on the spectrum, although he is 19, but we will get through this, we have no other option. Keep on, keeping on, xx

The wine and the chocolate have taken their toll over this weekend; www.someecards.com/confession-cards/stop-fatshaming-me-mirror-funny-ecard

Mascot picture of the day; as you can see Jess has been taking a leaf out of Izzies book;

AAAAAW the kittens!!

Thanks again to the ladies who replied to me the other day when I was very down.. have been busying myself this morning with laundry and noise on the TV. Am going to a zumba class later. I am in awe of all you ladies who struggle with children and abusive STBXHs etc....the early morning is over for today - thank God!

Donki I am sorry for what you are going through. Agree the best state to be in is 'meh' though it is incredibly hard to get there. All I can say is that it is almost a year for me too and I have more moments of 'meh' than I did before so I see that as progress.

Try little things to help lower contact - when he Skypes can you go outside for a bit of fresh air so you don't hear the call? Keep handovers brief - I don't allow the ex in to the house. Keep emails formal etc. I think it's true that the only real healer is time though that is frustrating to hear (trust me I know)! Try and fill your time with things you enjoy doing, things perhaps you stopped when he was around or things he didn't like. Spend some time on you, working out who you want to be.

It is horrible what has happened and none of us wanted it. But it has happened and accepting that is the first step on your journey to your new, potentially fabulous, life. He is on his own path now and leave him to it. Focus on you and your child.

And of course as the lovely Hobbs says, KOKO.

Hi Hobbit, loving the Jess updates. I went to a quiz too - and came 2nd. I even supplied two of the answers. Both wrong.

Meh.

Donki welcome to the thread - what an endless round of ordeals you've had to face. It's a wonder you're still standing! I have the impression when people talk of 'moving on' it involves packing a suitcase and catching a plane! Or is that running away?

Because that's the easier option - leave the other person to deal with the shit!

Which is what brings us all here. And boy, sometimes this SHIT IS HARD.

I'd argue you are moving on in your own way at a pace that is suitable for you. Overwhelmingly, I'd like to say 'well done' for getting through the last 14 months - they sound incredibly difficult.

I don't think we do 'move on' in any conventional sense, but rather 'move through' a long process of all the emotions of distress until we exhaust ourselves with them, or find a way of facing the demons down. I think we can fight the emotions by mentally detaching, even if we just force a reaction of 'meh' (or fuck off as I was apt to say!). A mind over matter thing of not focusing on them, but focusing on ourselves.

If I were you, start by reclaiming your home. Get them belongings out and get your divorce under way. It starts to make you feel like you're in the driving seat rather than just a passenger. It's doing something 'active' for you.

With regard to seeing/hearing the 'ghost'. I'm no one's expert on contact, however, is there any actions you can take to be 'elsewhere' (another room?, separate computer?) to avoid communications and sight of the man? (If you're not already), but also are there any activities you would enjoy doing whilst your son is otherwise distracted so you convert it into "me" time - so it's not about everyone else, but also for you. It could be daft things - watch a TV programme, play a computer game, do 20 mins of fitness shite, blah, blah, blah. So it's NOT a time for housework/chores (unless you enjoy that sort of thing)...but a time for you to indulge yourself? I'm probably clutching at straws here but I'm trying to think about how to ignore the ghost rather than focus on him. Best I can do. (I know with me that the less I heard 'other side' the better, until I got to the point that I just stopped reading his emails altogether and that made a huge difference to my emotional wellbeing). I realise when children are involved, that's simply not possible to be fully NC - so that's why I say do them at a set time a week so you can predict when you're going to have a bad day!).

It really is about tiny little adjustments and self-determination to not compare your situation to his and forming new habits. It's bloody tough though.

Iwas I saw your post on your thread detailing your 'kitten paraphenalia' list and immediately thought 'scratching post', but I see you've got one too! They are gorgeous.

living you a lesbian too? Yes, I gather I'm one as well! A bra-burning one. Apparently. meh.

ali I would find great vicarious enjoyment if you suddenly turned around and said to your twunt - "You know what? I've changed my mind. I'd like you out the house asap". I realise this isn't possible, but that is one manipulative bastard you got lurking 'round your home. He has been in charge for months, but slowly you're starting to think 'hey, this isn't working for me'. Have a think about reading the MN bible - Lundy Bancroft as some reading if you want to get to the 'bloody angry' phase bloody quickly! He wasn't totally my cup of tea, but it was enlightening nonetheless. It lists all the mindfucks that arses refer to...and how to counter them.

Twunt quote; "You need to get a grip and 'move on' that way you won't have the stress to deal with"

This was 2 weeks after he had moved out, he then suggested counselling as I obviously wasn't coping well! 2 weeks!

You can see what I'm dealing with here ladies, that's why when I hear the phrase' move on ' it gives me the rage I hate that glib script people come out with, walk ten minutes in my shoes , never mind a mile, and see how you can ' move on' .

Yes WWK a fat, useless, lazy one at that (size 12 and worked all my life). Now I find everyday is like a Kinder egg(what fucking surprise have I got today)sort of thing, today I find he has found he can actually use the telephone thingy and take his name off all household bills...because he can, to all of you out there, thanks, and yes THIS SHIT IS HARD OR THIS IS HARD SHIT we can have our rubbish days we are allowed but hopefully, no not hopefully, We WILL survive x

Hi all, welcome Donki - yet another man who thinks it's acceptable to play with peoples' lives.

My heart is saying, reach out, he knows not what he does, my head is saying something entirely different you'll be pleased to know WWK.

Feeling fragile, legalities started today -despite some talk of them not yesterday- a long night of talking changed nothing -makes it seem real. He's having some 'options' drafted for me take to my solicitor. Lucky me.

School work cannot be put off a moment longer. Hope everyone as ok today as we can be.

wiseone I know what you mean about the early morning. The sun helps a little of course but can't make it go away.

Onwards and upwards....

Agree Hobbit I really hate all those 'twee' phrases but most of all I hate your twunt for telling you what your feelings 'should' be. They were what they were, and they are what they are. Your twunt had six months to 'process' his feelings and decisions, and yet put you through the mill and severely damaged your sense of self-worth in the process. After six months, you are calmer and clearer in your thinking, but you're still playing catch up nonetheless. And you still haven't got a future planned out (unlike his Lordship FF), which means it's so hard to make any decisions. Also, you're making decisions for two (or three people, really) he's just got himself to consider. Arse.

I think, actually, you might be on to something here. He knows that he can tell you what your feelings should be and what you 'have to do' etc. So that's your mediation tactic - the minute he starts, your stock phrase is: I don't need you to tell me what I must/should/do feel. I'm perfectly capable of determining that for myself, my feelings/concerns are.... That'll kill off that approach of him leading the meeting. Ring if you want to rehearse that.

Living you too are a fat, lazy one, size 12 (well I was pre-Christmas, I'm now 10! and still dropping...). Yeah, their lists... . Next step is them invoicing you for 'investments' they made in your career! If you are genuinely (and this is key) struggling to pay the bills, then within reason you can sell some low value, no longer required/essential items. You cannot do this if you are being spiteful, so don't sell his precious family heirlooms... It does make them mad as hell, but, and I mean this, if needs must, needs must. I did and no one batted an eyelid (bar him) as long as they were around the 200 pound mark. It's all relative though.

Quotes From MLC Twunts, Update

"I am not having an affair........but I will be moving in with her"

"I'm very fond of you but the mix is not right"

"I need and I am entitled"

"Aren't you going to work tomorrow?"...........Sunday night. Had left Friday

"You need to get a grip and 'move on' that way you won't have the stress to deal with"..............This was 2 weeks after he had moved out, he then suggested counselling as I obviously wasn't coping well! 2 weeks!

You can see what I'm dealing with here ladies, that's why when I hear the phrase' move on ' it gives me the rage I hate that glib script people come out with, walk ten minutes in my shoes , never mind a mile, and see how you can ' move on' .

"I need some 'me' time, I'm tired of being unnapreciated in this house"

"We're just friends, but I'm sure she'd love to have an affair with me"

"It's all her fault"

I am not having an affair

Your client has changed the passwords to her bank account...I cannot monitor her spending

Your client does not need to spend money on insurances, maintenance costs or other costs relating to marital property as I will cover these... but he didn't

"It is not necessary for me to disclose"

"Your client has not contributed to this marriage"

"My offer is most generous. The petitioner will receive 90% of X, Y and Z and, 100% of A, B, and C. All other assets remain my property."

"Your client can live on less than £1,000 per month if she lives in a caravan...If she's sensible with money, she could manage on £500 pounds per month. I will pay her £1,000 per month for four months providing she sends me a copy of her monthly statements so I can monitor her spending. If she is sensible, I will pay her for a fifth month. "

"The affair was something for me as I spend all my time doing things for everyone else"

"If you divorce me I'll make sure everything we own goes to the lawyers rather than see you get a penny."

"She's my soulmate."

"It's not about you it's about me and OW."

"She's giving me all the emotional support that you should have given me"

"She only gave me one blow-job"

"Don't worry, I wont see you in the gutter."

"But, don't you want me to be happy?"

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

"She 'lifts'me"

"Let's make this amicable, we don't need to involve solicitors, they are just vultures"

"I 'aspire' for ds2 to live independently and financially self supportive".......highly unlikely

"My car was always going to be more expensive than yours".....double the price

"It doesn't matter if you have depression, you don't earn any money. "...... reason for why his wife should not seek medical help.

"Don't be crude. One of your failings"

"Do not bad mouth me to .....your own family" meaning my brothers

"Do you realise you are falling massively your sons by stopping them having proper contact with me"...........sons aged 19 and 22!!

Evening all. Another day almost gone. This thread is such a relief as it's the only place that I can be totally honest about this living nightmare....thank you. I feel like a juggler keeping all the balls in the air. Even with my m and d - and I can be pretty honest with them - I'm aware that HRT is my DC's father and I don't want the relationship to be irrevocably damaged. Keep thinking of all those family events.....

My long distant friend and her hubbie - who knows the situation - are friends with both of us, despite them initially being old uni friends of mine. It is tricky to be truly no holes barred - doesn't seem right. How do others cope with this? Do friends 'take sides' in the final analysis?

Anyway, think solicitor might have dampened HRT's enthusiasm for divorce somewhat. He had dinner with kids and me and was grateful and complementary despite it being a bit of a car crash. Hey ho. The divorce train has started on down the track - by him.

School work not progressing the way it should be. Do you lovely ladies find that focussing on work is problematic? Will have to pull myself together - 30 little people expect and deserve no less.

Jess and kitties able to raise a smile so keep the pics coming.

I've had a read through some older posts today - hats off to you wonderful ladies. I can tell how far you've come -WWK - wow!! Gives me strength that I'll get there too. Have a 'good' evening everyone. to you all x

"I am not having an affair........but I will be moving in with her"

Oh Izzie - how you've not done something very painful to him goodness only knows.....

My other favourite has to be the suggestion that WWK lives is a caravan. Are people really paid good money to say such things?? I think I should change the day job. Incredible!!