HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Well done on surviving an horrific ordeal and getting justice, WWK. We all look forward to following you through into the sunlight.

Bobs suggested we all introduce ourselves and give brief details of our history and where we are in the process. I will do mine this evening if that's what we all want to do?

Also, for those with their own threads, do you want to post a link to those too?

Oh, and before I head off to work, this is also the place where we are allowed, nay encouraged, to take the mick out of the exes, whoever actually had the misfortune to marry/ live with them.

And have a general laugh.

And swear.

And analyse along with Green, our resident psychologist.

And whatever else we like. Because we too are now the Entitled Ones

Hello, my name is Hobbit, and I am the former proprietor of the bar, now taking a hiatus while I get my shit together.

My husband of 27 years left me in October of last year, after having an affair for six months with someone I considered a friend. We live in a small village and he has moved in with her just around the corner from the family home which i share with my two sons, aged 23 and 19. The youngest son has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia, and is currently battling an eating disorder.

I am just about to have my first joint mediation session.
I am a bit bonkers

A very big thank you to the lovely WWK for taking over the stewardship of the bar, she'll keep us all in line and give us excellent advice as any good 'mother ' would do. Welcome everyone, this shit is hard isn't it? X

Nice intro WWK!

morning ladies - well done well :-)

not feeling quite with it yet but have caught up on last night & have laughed at Twitter Twat -thanks hobbit & izzie resident psychologist aka "Miss Marple of Amateur Psychology".

think these hormone tablets are messing with my sleep - wanted to get loads done today but feeling spaced out.

my story - STBXH left July 2014 after denying OW for 8 months - married 20yrs, SAHM twins 14 - have company together & OW employed by him (Bast88D), - STBXH will not communicate at all, court process started, on ADs due to long standing EA although never knew it was this during marriage -diagnosed with breast cancer just before xmas & starting treatment this week.

but ladies listen up - i have been having a bit of a text flirt with someone I met saturday night so the current phrase is "well who knows!"

Hi everyone, all so busy posting on the last thread there was no space for WWK to link to this one (well done MrsC ). anyway thanks for starting it

So I'm 55, was married approx 21 years (not quite sure when you count a marriage as ending as got the Nisi a year ago on the basis of 2 yr separation)

I have 2 DDs, almost 18 and 21, both with mental health issues due to stbx. There are lots of names I could attribute to his behaviour through most of our marriage - passive aggressive describes it best. He has not contact with them - and they are happy that way as he now cannot mess with their heads.

I did over a year of solicitors, then started mediation last December. We are soon to have our 3rd joint session.

We sold our house and are both currently in rentals as he had the proceeds frozen.

OMG green - good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bobs you have really made me laugh - does wonders for the old self -esteem I can tell you!

YEY ! Go you Green < saucy minx>

hobbit - going back to what you said yesterday about all the support - totally agree - perhaps we should get together for a "mini conference" - pool ideas get drunk chaired by well - all for the benefit of our future prospects - im sure this would come under essential expenditure

Thank you for the new thread WWK. Good to hear from you and onwards and upwards for you now.

My background - I was happily married for 25 years to a man I considered lovely, kind and decent. We are in our late fifties with a DS 22 and DD 16. I found out that my husband has been having an affair for nearly a year with a much younger woman who lives very close by and who I knew and was friendly with. It also came to light that his first marriage had ended because he had also cheated on his first wife. That was the first I knew of it, he had lied to me about that too.

I ended our marriage at that point as he had lied to me throughout our marriage and I no longer believed that cheating was out of character for him. Since then I have found out that he had cheated on me throughout our marriage with a string of women.

He resumed seeing the OW the very day I ended our marriage and is effectively living with her next door. We also run a business together which is located in the grounds of our house.

I ended our marriage at the beginning of December and we are in the process of getting divorced.

One of the rules of the thread which I enjoy is to take the mick out of my ex-DH known on here as Sid.

Ooh Green! I am sure a bit of flirting will do wonders for the self esteem. Keep us posted!

Sorry all for using up the last post!! As soon as I pressed "post" I realised..... Loving the opening post WWK. You MUST put that on your VSTBXH thread...I think it will be much appreciated on there.

So, my name is MrsC (the formidable apparently). I was married to 14 years to a man I utterly adored and was the love of my life and remains so sadly. He left me in October 2013 with such devastating disregard, I am not sure I will ever recover from that. Some of you will have read my last thread and ongoing one and know that it's been an horrific ordeal. I have a 16 year old DD (from a previous relationship) and a 4 year old DS, born when I was 41 1/2, having been pressured considerably by my husband who suddenly decided he wanted to be a father. He walked out on us when DS was 2 1/2. DS was diagnosed with ASD in December 2014. After my husband left, I discovered his affair with OW. She is an utterly vile individual. She had worked for my brother for several years from 2000. I had no idea that my husband was in touch with her in secret for our entire marriage. Her husband was killed in March 2013. I believe that my husband was seeing her prior to that in more than a "friendly" way (allegedly). She has been extremely abusive towards me. We have had our decree nisi for a year, but after a failed attempted at mediation, I had to start proceedings and I am self repping. We have had 3 hearings (all FDA), OW is now subject to a summons, we have a new hearing on Thursday of this week where she has to hand her disclosure over to me. I don't know what has happened to the man I married. However, it wasn't just OW, there have been others it appears. I had absolutely no idea, none whatsoever. Life changing indeed!

Sounds like an essential plan to me! But where could we meet up? Green
Does anyone live in a mansion? You are all welcome to come to me in the arse end of nowhere, but unless you all brought a sleeping bag and kipped on the floor< like a kids sleepover> I couldn't put everyone up.

I used to live in a pretty big house - unfortunately now in a mid terrace so would be sleeping bags and floor here too . Mind you I have no problem with that personally (me sleeping bag, me floor!) as long as there is alcohol involved

I think we are all over the country too which doesn't help!

iwas where are you up to in your divorce process?

MrsC hadn't realised you'd had 3 FDAs so far - bummer! is the next one also an FDA? Procrastination at it's best

bobs123, indeed, H messing about with disclosure, then OW messing about with disclosure. This one is supposed to be an FDR but suspect it will end up being an FDA with the FDR postponed...we'll see. Draining, it really is. Today is the 2nd anniversary of OW's husband's death, yet she has "officially" been with my H for 19 months (and the rest!). I do wonder how comfortable it must be in that house on days like this, do they feel any guilt? Is it just an awkward silence? Revolting. Sorry, got distracted there...!

Twunt alert here. Anyone got a voodoo doll?? I'm outwardly calm despite him goading. He's gone upstairs to try find some friends. Twat. I'm enjoying doing all the ironing. Saves me having to look at him. Aaaargh v

So, Izzie aged 54, married nearly 30 years. Two DS, 19 and 22. Married to a reserved but lovely kind man. Used to be able to communicate but life's shit eventually made both of us lose the art of communication, I suppose. He became less communicative, and I became less patient, I suppose. So, late 2007, in desperation, and more as a cry for help, I ended the marriage but we stayed under the same roof. I then met someone a few months later. Which seemed to spur him on to meeting someone, I suspect via online dating. Cut to a few months later, I wanted to the repair the marriage. He resisted, then eventually ended his relationship. But I was up against the OW from hell, hugely manipulative, a professional victim, mentally unstable, and was intent on destroying the marriage. Which she finally succeeded in doing this year. He left me to move in with her on Halloween just gone. Very fitting. The years in between were the darkest of my life, I will never know how I got through the total mindfuck. He still doesn't see her for what she is. And he is still very bitter about me leaving him originally.

Meantime, under her influence, he has turned into an entitled bastard. As far as I'm concerned, my husband died when he met her.

He has hardly seen his sons since he left, as he can't deal with communication issues, especially with DS2. That relationship is damaged beyond repair. DS1 plays the game but has no respect for him.

He has been financially controlling and increasingly spiteful. He mentioned recently that he no longer feels welcome in his own home.

He has burned his bridges now, and the port in the storm OW is now his only option.

Certainly at Xmas I still used to cry after I saw him. And I was convinced that somehow we would be able to make it work. And now......the words to "I Will Survive" are sooooo true.

I have raised the issue of a financial settlement, which he delayed in doing. Since then, it has not been mentioned, and I am in no rush to head that way. We still run joint finances, joint account etc. Financially, nothing has changed, it is like we are still an item.

I have no plans to divorce him. I will retain the rights of a wife for as long as I can.

It has been made very clear to him that neither I nor the kids will ever have anything to do with OW. Not because she is OW, but for what she did, which I've not documented here, and for the sort of person she is.

I am spending my time working on the major decorating project that was in the early stages when he left. I'm pleased that I have gradually taken on things that I would never have tackled. It's important to me, when things are going pear shaped, that I'm in control of my environment, hence the decorating.

I haven't yet ventured much on the gallivanting front. Again, I tend to withdraw when I need to work through my shit.

Emotionally I have come a long way. Financially, I have my ducks in a row, as it were, know the best and worst case scenarios. I am facing the loss of my beloved holiday home. That breaks my heart. That's as low as it gets. Anything else, whatever.

I deflect a lot with humour, I'm a bit gobby and fiery. But I'm a lot calmer and happier without him. He still brings out the worst in me. Now, I'm the person I want to be.

I can no longer analyse what went wrong etc etc. I had too many years of wading through all that stuff. So I tend to deal in the here and now.

Major deal breakers in any relationship are, as I ve discovered over the Nightmare Years, passive aggression and stonewalling.

My greatest achievements on this thread....naming it Hobbit's Bar, serving izzietinis by mistake, and ........on iwas' thread, naming Sid.

My last remaining ambition on this thread is to get a comment from Any Fucker. I just love her one liners. I was made up when Fontella appeared. I love all her comments on iwas thread. They are written with such warmth, insight and such dieprectness. And we have WWK, who I didn't realise was already a legend when she appeared. But I definitely know now!!

So, I'm onwards and upwards.....until the next crash, of course

And this thread has been my sanity and life saver. I love you all

And I'm enjoying being a single woman. Me and the kids.

Getting this down whilst fresh in my mind. Having rearranged the builder to possibly come today, and twat not having the courtesy to acknowledge, I then got a text today asking when he was coming round etc. He got quite rude when I was evasive, as it was a loose arrangement with the builder. Anyway, he decided that he was coming round and also that the builder would be here by 6.......because he knows it all, I assume!

So he gave me a smile when he arrived, the twat I mean, not the builder, and I just stayed cool. Carried on with my ironing, showed him a letter re finances,which could be an issue. He thinks not, but then he can skim read......and I like to READ......and he knows it all, as I know, so I said nothing. Wow! I bit my tongue.

A bit of chat about the builder, a barbed comment from him, then I said something that he took the wrong way, so he got shirty and called me prickly and swore at me. Now, I have no problems with people swearing as you all know but I resisted the temptation to ask him not to, as he would have done me. Because he doesn't swear. Except when he swears. But I must need to go to EarSavers. So, no reaction from me again.

So it ended up with him eventually sitting by himself in the living room whilst I ironed in the kitchen. And after 90 minutes, he declared that the builder would not be coming now. And he had things to do. So would go.

And fuck knows why he has decided that he will give me a hug every time he has seen me, as any physical contact had stopped well before he left.....but that's fuckwits for you! And he looked at me, said he was going, in an expectant sort of way. And I stayed where I was, which was a long way from him, and just said "see you". And he looked very nonplussed.

Also, from the little I said, it was clear that I knew exactly what I needed to sort with the builder.

Wow. I'm very impressed that I managed to appear so calm and detached. And he must have got the message that I'm rising above it all and am moving on.

YES!!!!

The other observation.....I have alluded before to how he has turned into his father. Not a cruel man, but very domineering. And I realised that if we were together, I would continue to fight against it. Cue WW3. Or, if I swallowed it, like today, I realised just how downtrodden it would have made me feel. I felt like that when I stayed quiet, but I did it for other reasons.

I actually pitied her for a moment The victim card is her default. But I know from what he's said before, that it only works for so long. Soon all those crocodile tears will just get him annoyed. Well, she had a major hand in twisting his personality, so she can reap what she's sowed.

He likes the fact that I have a temper. Because he thinks it makes him superior. And because it then makes him feel justified. So I removed all that from him today.

So, having stayed so restrained, may I now vent and say

FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING TWAT

And as I was humming this to myself for moral support, here it is again

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WZNyxo1fgQ

PS builder now coming round Thursday. Hopefully Twat not.

Sown, not sowed. Grammar getting worse. Must be the job!

Green how's the texting going??

MrsC Formidable no doubt. But as I'm a good one for names, I will be the first to suggest it could well change to ShitHotMrsC !! And good luck on Thursday. Although it looks like the two of them are handing it to you in bucketloads anyway.......

iwas as it's compulsory to take the mick out of Sid, may I say that I thoroughly enjoyed the comic value of his "you're fucking kidding". Any chance of getting the next one on video for my comedy hour?

The get together. I desperately want to go to iwas land. I know where it is. Oh yes! But mostly I want to see Sid. Perhaps you could ask him if Choosy can bag some more freebies from that posh hotel as all your newly single mates are coming over for a hen night........

I feel a bit sad now. Mixed feelings. Any sign of the old him is difficult. Although I tell myself what he did etc etc and talk myself out of it.

I'm a bitch in my head, but my actions are not that of a bitch. I did, in hindsight, feel a bit sorry for him. He wants me to be his friend when things have settled. But it was never my intention to downgrade my marriage to a friendship. And I can't forget the last number of years. And if the old MrIzzie were to resurface, then so would my feelings.

My old husband never deserved to be a stranger in his own house.

What a bloody awful mess.

Izzie, I just wanted to say how eloquent and heartfelt your posts have been this evening. You have done amazingly well today. Large gin for you my love. It is heartbreaking to read of these long marriages that end like this, what stupid men they are! I am sorry, also, that you are having to deal with a toxic OW. I know all about that unfortunately. Cut yourself some slack this evening...a huge achievement. He will be very unnerved and we like that, don't we wondering what the hell is going on :-) X