HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Hobbit you may have seen on my thread that OW got very angry in court about having to share her "personal information" with me. Which is ironic really. This is the woman who impersonated me to set up a direct debit in my bank account so my H could avoid paying off DD's mobile phone contract. They both avoided prosecution over £3.00...the bank declined the take it any further as their "loss" was only £97.00 (which they repaid to me). I couldn't believe the nerve of the woman and it speaks volumes about her mindset that she thinks that I have the same lack of moral compass as her. I just want the figures, I am not interested in anything else. It is galling when they have access to your personal stuff, however, I saw it as a demonstration of how difficult things were for me. Instead, they made a list of how much I spent in fucking Aldi per week and stated that I was clearly "adequately" able to feed myself and the children. They also made a big deal of the fact that I went to the local corner shop five times in one day "proving" that I had lots of money at my disposal. The truth was, I was in such a state, one trip turned into five because I forgot everything. They are living together aren't they? He wants to be very careful about being cooperative in mediation and indeed her income and expenditure should be included in this process. I hope that is the case! Sending hugs, it's utterly shit.

Izzie - Paul Hollywood.

I hate the idea of him sharing my emails with her, poring over my thoughts re my son and finances etc, she is a social worker as well as having been divorced herself< yeah right, really caring over splitting my family up bitch>

Got the rage now, time for a beta blocker ! Catch you later ladies,

SHE'S A SOCIAL WORKER? What a fucking bitch. Seriously people like that should lose their jobs if they do something like this. I get your rage, I have it too at the moment...so angry and tearful. Maybe that's a good thing in time for Thursday hope WWK is bringing a gag and a strait jacket for me

morning ladies - sorry missed you all last night - izzie for you - keep going girl! its up & down all the way and loved your joke! not heard that before but right up my street!

i cant quite believe what is happening but have progressed to phone conversations and I can now not sleep for other reasons - at this rate it may well be a hen party!!!! bloody scary that's all i can say! will catch up properly a bit later

huge hugs to all KOKOxx

I understand. Have not commented further as certain freaks aren't even fit to be acknowledged.

Think bland mr corporate man. Dress sense erm v conservative. Last time he wore shirt outside trousers he mush have been at school. Default facial expression now jack see. But not as good looking.

Jack dee

Yes the living with ow goes against them financially. Seen as needing less to live off. My twunt nearly choked when I told him that.

Izzie Not guessing any more - too busy setting up home on my planet will have another think though as love a challenge

Hobbit I'm with the others - make sure you have all questions answered re his disclosure first. I would then be getting advice from a solicitor/someone in the know re settlement. ie what would be a likely income if you went to court, how much less you would settle for now, arguments re you having more of the "pot" - lower income, DS etc, spousal etc. Perhaps you could respond by asking what he is prepared to offer so that you may consider it?

i've been a happier bunny since finding out these figures from my solicitor as i know where I stand now. Plus have just sent him an email via the mediator requesting that we have knowledge that he has sought legal advice before our next meeting.

I have no problem with anyone pawing through my statements. They show full and frank disclosure in that I am paying DD1's uni costs that she can't meet herself, DD2's school fees and extras, the fact I shop mostly in Aldi (I like Aldi - especially the sherry!) and that I spend next to nothing on myself. and all on an income way lower than stbx's. However I don't think he will be showing my stuff to anyone - it's easier for him to just not understand it all.

Anyway DD1 seems to be doing a lot better on her 3rd set of ADs now they have started to kick in. Taking DD2 for her Camhs session today, which she seems to find helpful.

*WWK congrats on your shiny new car

MrsC hope you're feeling ok - intrigued by WWK's cunning plan - hope we get to hear it after the fact.

green thinking of you - don't you have treatment starting this week?

Yes I am also intrigued about the cunning plan...!!! If she's doing it, it's going to be very cunning and definitely a plan

Hi everyone, thanks for your input, soz I seem to have posted twice re the same thing! What a dingbat I am

Yeah, I need to to get more info on his pension cetv and stuff like that, and what he proposes to do about our son, nothing apparently, he's gonna get a great job and live independently, as far as he thinks, he "aspires " to that for him, well of course I aspire to a lot of things, but that doesn't mean they come to pass, and I need a contingency plan.

He's full of all that "management speak" , meaningless gibberish, corporate claptrap, dosent follow that up with his own family though.

I "aspire" for him to fall under a bus! Ha ha, maybe karma will bite him and her on the arse.

Hi MrsC < waves at lovely lady> , they are a vile pair of twunts aren't they? Sending you lots of best wishes for Thursday, having WWK as your Mackenzie friend must be a great support for you.

She is a very clever lady and will come up with the most cunning of cunning plans to help,you with your case. Love to your little one and your daughter, is he non-verbal or higher level,? As you know my youngest son has ASD, so I know how hard it can be to have to deal with all of this, and still keep stability and some measure of normality in your home life.

I sure you will have the outcome you deserve, x

Ooo a new thread and WWK is back to help us through our battles. Here is my story in brief.

STBXH had a cliche of a midlife crisis OW half his age, partying, drugs. That was nearly three years ago. Been married nearly 20 years, one teenage DS. H had been abusive to me throughout the marriage but I didn't recognise it because it wasn't that often and back then I thought abuse was only physical. But when he met OW he suddenly became very abusive and even more so when he realised I was not going to be the doormat he had expected and I was going to divorce him. For several months I endured verbal, physical, sexual, financial and emotional abuse until I was too scared and ill to stay in my home any longer and I left with DS and we now have our own place which is bliss.

I am very close to the end of the divorce process just the FH to come. Needless to say he has been as awkward as possible. I have a SHL who takes no nonsense. STBXH is like jeckle and hyde and has at times tried to alienate DS from me and that has really messed with his emotions. At the moment he's in a nice phase, friendly and charming, often asks me to get back together, OW is long gone and he's living a lonely existence. I won't ever forget the abuse and the cheating and I'm so looking forward to not being legally tied to him any more and of course getting a fair share of our assets which he has in a death grip at the moment - not for much longer.

He's full of all that "management speak" , meaningless gibberish, corporate
claptrap, dosent follow that up with his own family though

Tell me about it! One of the things I got texted was that the mix wasn't right. WTF!! I showed some of his texts to a friend, and she said it sounded like he was doing office stuff.

So let's just run this by me......Lycra Twat, Fat Twat and associated bitches get pushed under a bus by both of us. Can we arrange a conference call to set the agenda and get the ball rolling.......

Which, in teen speak means they dun bare work on their marriage, and they are just fugly mingers.

And in our language.....fuck the fuck off!

Twunts Gallery

So, if I had to pick a famous person he resembles it would be him.....

Very bland. Corporate. That look at the camera, no warmth coming through. That's why I chose that particular photo. It reminds me of the total lack of emotion he showed through some of my deepest darkest moments, when he just sat expressionless. And that cross expression that men of a certain age start to adopt.

Hair is different. He has plenty of it still, absolutely no sign of hair loss. Dark hair but with go slow grey stripes down the side.

He wears glasses now. Always wore contact lenses until a few years ago. I never liked him in glasses, and it used to piss me off that he would never go to work in glasses but would rest his eyes from them sometimes at weekends.

He was and could be reasonably good looking. You wouldn't have been disappointed previously if you had met him on a blind date. Not ecstatic, but just relieved, I suppose.

Dressed by me, he looks smart. I know what suits him. Left to have free rein to buy his own clothes....well, that's another thing that will amuse me now.

He always used to be cheerful, was always very considerate, kind, etc. Friends used to comment about how lucky I was to have such a husband.

People that know him and the story cannot believe this is the same person.

As I said, my real husband died a long time ago.

So here is Mr Cold himself. Looking at the camera and thinking of me....

Pensions

Noting what Hobbit said about CETV, there is a lot of info about pensions out there, and specific advice for divorcing women. Common advice is that you may need very specialised advice. Anyway, this is a starting point

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/pensions/11240014/Why-women-should-insist-on-pension-savings-in-divorce.html

Izzie when I saw the photo of Sven I thought that's not too bad, but reading what you wrote was very moving and quite sad. My friends and family thought I was lucky to be married to such a lovely man too.

You've written a lot on this thread that's very personal, emotional and moving. You have been through a lot over a long period of time. I have found getting it out on here helpful to me and hope it is to you too.

I think my little spell of analysing has now passed, and I'm back on Planet Izzie.

My final thoughts about yesterday are that he now has a taste of what it's like to get no reaction when attempting to communicate. And the image of him standing by the door as he was leaving, that sort of expectant, dog eyed type of expression, to be met by a blank from me......that's just a taster of what I went through in various scenarios in the past.

And over to me......whilst hard to maintain the aloofness, when my natural instinct is to get it all out.......it really is the most powerful message I can send out to him. Someone like me showing no emotion is totally unexpected. And it's the show of indifference that says to him, I no longer care, and you no longer have any hold on me.

I have plenty of anger and unresolved issues re him. But that's not for him to know. Where contact with him is concerned, I will fake it till I make it.

I don't like filling my head with all of his stuff. It feels like a chore. A time wasting one.

MrsC it is very hard when you still have a lot of feelings for him, however much common sense and everyone else wonders why you still care the feelings don't just switch off.

Bobs the divorce papers have been served, signed and returned and adultery has been admitted. While I'm pleased he has stuck to his word and admitted to it which he said he would if I wanted to divorce him on those grounds I'd obviously rather he hadn't committed adultery in the first place so it was quite hard emotionally that it's official.

Izzie you are doing great. You have come a long way even since the opening of Hobbit's Bar - it is noticeable how much happier you sound in a lot of your posts now.

"This thread has been my sanity and life saver" seconded. I don't think anyone who hasn't posted on a forum such as this could possibly understand how much difference all the help and support on here makes and even just being able to vent anonymously helps.

Yes it is compulsory to take the mick out of Sid! I don't think you would want him on video! "But mostly I want to see Sid" believe me you don't!!

You're not a bitch, the OW in your situation sounds ghastly so it's not surprising that you feel as you do.

WWK hope you are adjusting to "normal" life a little bit. I would think it felt really strange when it was finally over for you after all you had to deal with. Enjoy your gallivanting in your shiny new car.

I am actually at rock bottom tonight...see thread...his latest little campaign in the run up to to a hearing has worked spectacularly this time. I have probably made a huge mistake today too. I SO needed a clear head these last few days, I am unprepared for the hearing and I wish I could cancel it. Days like these make me wonder what humans do to eachother.

Hobbit I would agree with the others and not tell your ex what you want. If you feel it would be beneficial to have some insight into his thoughts before mediation perhaps you could email him back asking what his thoughts were instead.

On a lighter note have you thought of Lance Armstrong as a joke for your ex - a fellow cheat in lycra.

I agree that it is hard knowing that they discuss us with OW. I had all the "we didn't mean to hurt you and we're sorry" nonsense and much more that he has very kindly relayed to me on their behalf. Knowing that they actually sit there and talk about me and how they think I am feeling is sodding difficult. Hope you're feeling a little better this evening. x

Green that sounds exciting and scary So much better to be kept awake by thinking about the flirting with this man that the angst with the ex. Good luck and hope the treatment goes well too. x

MrsC OW really does sound utterly vile, I am sorry. How dreadful that even buying food for your children becomes a bone of contention. Sending you hugs and

Izzie/Hobbit Sid is probably the least corporate man on the planet. Doesn't like suits, straight talking apart from lying to me for over 25 years swears a lot would make Font blush hates management speak and people who think they are better than him because they've got a flash lifestyle.

Tabby that sounds horrific, so pleased you are nearly at the end of the process and a bit of karma that he wants to you back and he's all lonely by himself good x

Thank you iwas. What started as a bit of fun re the photos, it just got me thinking today, and I just wrote what I felt.

I think putting the intro stuff got me thinking about it all again. And having read your post, I feel moved myself now, got that lump in the throat.

When my dad died it took me a whole year before I properly grieved for him. He had multi infarct dementia. It was incredibly painful and traumatic. Previous to that I would have thought I could never live without him. But, as it was, I desperately wanted him to die. Especially in the last fortnight of his life, for various reasons. i was there at the end. In his final moments, the last words I said to him were "please go Dad". And that feeling that he had finally escaped, kept me going for a whole year. And then I crashed. Oh god, I'm in bits writing this.

The point being, I am probably running parallels with the ending of my marriage. I haven't yet really mourned the loss of the man he was. I've had my moments, of course. But mostly, I'm just coming to terms with the person who he became, and being glad that I'm getting out of the nightmare.

I will be fine, though. I'm a great believer in letting the grief all come out. And it will in time. I'm my own best psychiatrist. And writing more and more personal things on here is my way of dealing with this. And publicly acknowledging certain things is my way of ensuring that I really couldn't go back, not now it's all out there. Those closest to me, they may worry about practical things with me, but none of them have any concerns for my emotional wellbeing. They know I'm strong.

I've thought about deleting this particular post, but I'm putting it out there because it's another piece of the recovery jigsaw. And I've now done with it.

Bless him DS1 came to give me a cuddle when I was crying. I said I was writing about my dad. Pragmatic as ever, he said, well don't write about it. I said, if it needs to come out, it must, to enable proper healing. He's a good kid/young man. He could easily have been one to keep his feelings buried. He used to be like that. But I've gradually coaxed him out of that mindset. I've made it clear to him that his dad is a fucked up mess because of that mentality. And I have to say that his dad leaving has made him much more able to express all his feelings. Because Izzie now runs things as they should be.

Right, I really want to break out of this naval gazing tonight. I'm going off to do a few things. Xx

MrsC don't be hard on yourself. It's hardly surprising, given the intolerable strain and situation. Taken in the context of the rest of your behaviour, and the timing etc......please don't worry. And WWK will be able to reassure you and get you in the right frame of mind, she always does.

WWK it was only on re reading some of your threads that I realised the short timescale since the ex sodded off. Wow. Even more amazed at your strength.