HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

havent caught up on thread but just read inboxes - thank you ladies really nice comments from you all

Thursday the builder should be coming. The STBXH saw from the other day that I was perfectly clued up to deal with the builder himself.

He has previously come round to look at papers. I have envelopes, stamps, a scanner and email

Christmas. My kids are welcome to spend Christmas where they want. I choose to spend every Christmas in my own home without any contact from/with STBXH. They have made it clear that they wish to spend that time with just the three of us. My family are welcome. But they don't want a Christmas split between two parents.

Anything large that is to be collected can be bagged in advance and left inside the front door.

There is no reason for me to have any contact bar something awful happening to the kids. And dealing with the financial separation. I will only do mediation if it is absolutely essential. And I do not intend to take any part in any farce concerning a whitewashing of the facts in such an arena. I will only discuss finance. Not the past. Background info: we married, it's over, and there are no dependent kids.

Things happened last night which have rammed home to me yet again that I am happiest the further away from me he is, both physically and mentally. I want to complete that process now. No face to face contact, business only. The past is gone. And I will no longer resurrect it. I've done my analysing. I'm happy with the person I am and my part in all of it.

Now to be known as STBXH. A faceless, impersonal fact.

Good for you izzie calling them STBXH is another step in detaching - by the time its all sorted they will be long gone from our heads.

the latest episode did not put me on the floor - still nasty & completely unncessary & of more damage to the kids than being left on their own - because it again shows how little respect he has for me - I didn't bugger off to spain for a week and leave them home alone - and they are old enough for the school to consider them going on a foreign exchange - i know it is all part of the game.

You know ladies - i didn't have any sisters until now - I was doing a bit of reading about how people just click last night!! and one of the things it says is sharing and understanding some tragic event - I know have a whole bunch of you= big hugs xxx

and hobbit this is just for you - i think i've found those steel balls!

Chosen for me, but I think this applies equally to a lot of us on here

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcpEte4plbw

Hey Izzie, pleased you feeling a bit better x

i didn't have any sisters until now

So, here's what really happened when Green and I went out dancing the other night......

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PG7x8HWbDzU

And here's one to say all your sisters are thinking of you tomorrow xxx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBpYgpF1bqQ

Balls of steel eh Green, ain't you a lucky puppy! Where did you find them?
Wishing you well for tomorrow my love, take care , x

izzie hobbit - thank you both

WWK your pic is back!!! MN are messing with you

Well it's been an exciting day on MrsC's thread.

Congrats to her and to WWK for the help and support

Overjoyed for you MrsC and WWK, that foul pair certainly got their comeuppance in court today, could the man stoop any lower? The judge saw through his lies and deceit < and stupidity>

It's been a long and difficult process for you and your lovely family, but now it's the start of a new life for you all. Wishing you every happiness, x

How are you Green my love? Feeling ok I hope, from your chwaer,

Hello sister Green, hope today went okay. Been thinking of you

Well done to Mrs C, brilliant outcome and well done to WWK and the pineapple too.

How are you Hobbit?

I'm not too bad, thank you my lovely, and you? Is Sid pulling any more stunts this week? It's quiet in the bar tonight eh?

That's good Hobbit. Not too bad here, thank you. Sid's been quiet since the hotel/dog walking text talk thankfully. I think he's even realised that it's best he stays out of my way at the moment. Yes it is quiet in here tonight, must be off celebrating with MrsC. I have been out with my daughter for tea tonight.

Is it just me that uses both dinner and tea. Everyone else seems to be either or?!!

Yes, I do the same, it must be because we are old gimmers eh my love?

Pleased it's not just me. I think we must be! I'm off to bed now, sleep well hope tomorrow is a reasonable day. x

Nos dda, Iwas, x

Had a long chat with DS2 about financial matters and floated the idea of moving and the possibility of having to move downmarket. Showed him a few cheaper houses in our area and also talked about moving further out for a different way of life. Verdict, either option is acceptable to him and he's taken it all very positively. But it seems that any move will be within the same area of the country. DS2, on the other hand, is talking about making the move to the other end of the country, wants to live where the holiday home is. He means just him moving. He's talked about this before. I'm more than happy for him to carve out a better way of life in that area. I will be gutted about him moving away from me though. And it potentially complicates the financial situation. It may force me to move downmarket, hence the chat with DS2. Will play around with the possibilities over the next few weeks.

Thinking of you Green

Yes, I'm in the same situation exactly Izzie, my oldest son wants to move 'oop North, where a lot of his friends are, he dosent want to stay in the arse end of nowhere, so that is a factor in our house move as well.

Although we have 2 years yet, while my youngest son completes his uni course, although he is is on hiatus until September, due to his difficulties.
I will be devestated to have him leave, but know he will have to make his own path in life, as brothers they are close, and my youngest will tell his brother things he wouldn't tell me, which takes the pressure off me a bit.

Had incoming from FF, he's going to come and collect more of his stuff today, the rest I will take to a charity shop, or have a bonfire! That will be very therapeutic I'm sure. love to you Green honey,

Green how are you doing? Thinking of you

I think there are a few of us in the same situation with DC who might need housing, but then might choose to live elsewhere.

I know that DD2 will need somewhere for the next 4 years while at uni - and they do spend 7 months at uni and 5 months needing somewhere to live.

Re DD1 I don't know what she will do, but believe there is a good argument for providing somewhere for her.

iwas it's supper in this household! Tea for me is at tea time and dinner is much later, or used when you go out to eat.

whyme have you got your child maintenance sorted?

I'm wondering if stbx is going to stop paying on DD2's 18th birthday next month or if he will continue to the end of her schooling as it's on a voluntary basis. I have been learning a bit about getting it extended through uni, though not much help online and some of it conflicting. DC can apply in their own right I believe, or i can apply for them (not sure if I can apply for them once they hit 18 though)

Has anyone else been told that the asset splitting is separate to the maintenance and you can deal with the one and then with the other?

DD2 going on French school trip tomorrow - by plane. Being the anxious type she's pretty nervous. And me being the stressed out type atm I'm not feeling too good about it either

Can I come to the bar? My H left about 6 months ago - followed the classic mid-life crisis script but I've been hoping he might see sense. But I've realised that I've got to stop hoping now, he has very clearly moved on, but it's somehow harder now than when it all happened.

It was my DDs birthday yesterday so he's round being 'great dad' and the kids are loving it and I'm being cheerful whilst seeing him is like having a knife in my heart. I have a constant physical pain in my chest which isn't getting any less.

In hindsight we didn't work at our marriage and kids, work, doing up a house meant we didn't communicate and didn't do enough together. We were both unhappy but he's the one who called time and told me 'he didn't love me any more' and didn't want to reconcile or go to counselling etc. I am devastated.

He's actually being quite decent, there was no OW but he is dating now. It's just so hard that he's been able to walk out and move on. I know these things happen and I've just got to accept it. We were together 20 years, married for 10 and 2 DCs.

I just want to opt out of life right now.