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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
BafanaThesober · 21/03/2015 12:26

Dump and move on
You've asked him to change
He hasn't
He is telling you who he really is (by his actions) and he isn't nice.

Find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

MatildaTheCat · 21/03/2015 12:29

He's mean and won't ever change.

Does he have any redeeming features? Sounds utterly charmless. Hmm

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/03/2015 12:30

I loathe meanness and he is a twat.

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 12:31

I think it's time for you to treat yourself... to being single. Fuck this guy, seriously.

Franke · 21/03/2015 12:32

You don't sound petty at all. He is mean and it's seriously unattractive.

TheWintersmith · 21/03/2015 12:33

It's not about money it's about respect. So no, you aren't being petty.

I'd ditch the tightwad and find someone nicer. Sounds like a bore spending time with him.and it should be FUN.

Apatite1 · 21/03/2015 12:33

Any man who implies he'd spend more on you if you were a better girlfriend is equating you straight to monetary worth. He sounds like a mean arsehole. Dump him and move on.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 12:36

He will never change. This is who he is: a tight bastard. It was a mistake to take him back. Dump today. You are not petty. He wants you to feel this way so he can keep using you.

Quitelikely · 21/03/2015 12:38

I would not be able to tolerate this sort of nonsense.

I doubt he will be able to change his ways.

In fairness he isn't actually doing anything wrong. It just depends as to whether you can tolerate his ways with money.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 12:41

Just tell him, you make me feel cheap and used, so it's time for me to move on. Goodbye. And mean it. He knows damn well what he's doing.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 12:44

He's not just tight, he's actually costing you money and taking advantage of you. The reason you feel 'used' is because he is using you. Disgraceful.

You were right to get rid of him, and if you took him back on the basis that everything would change and nothing did, then dump him for good this time.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 12:47

Yup. And I'm sure it's deliberate that your car gets used because he's decided paying for petrol "doesn't work like that" (how dare he? Fine if he was driving, you offered and he declined, but not vice versa!)

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:48

Gah. Thanks for replies.
Quitelikely - that is what keeps me with him, he hasn't actually done anything wrong! It just feels like he has.

He is fun to be with, really great in bed, and makes me laugh. But treats me like that is all I am worth. While paying his ex wife more than he has to in maintenance. I could dump him easily if he was mean to everyone. Why is he just mean with money with me?

OP posts:
HairyPotter · 21/03/2015 12:51

Oh god! Does he have any good points? I couldn't imagine spending time with such a joyless man.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/03/2015 12:52

He doesn't respect you as much as he does his ex-wife and children, sorry if that's harsh.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 12:52

Ok, don't focus on his ex - that money is for his kids and paying more than the CSA minimum is a good sign.

If you do want to stay together, what about some kind of Kitty? So when you buy food to cook at your place, you can take something out of the Kitty. When you drive you both somewhere, you can take petrol money from the Kitty, etc. I don't know how practical it would be - pre charged cash card maybe - but it's a thought.

HairyPotter · 21/03/2015 12:53

Xposts!

Still would get shot though.

Franke · 21/03/2015 12:53

Because he doesn't respect you and he gets away with it. You deserve better.

TendonQueen · 21/03/2015 12:53

Because he's tried it and you allow it. In my book that makes it worse, as least he would be consistent if he was mean with everyone. As it is, he's deliberately withholding from you because he knows he can get away with it. Serious talk time. Either everything gets split, and he cooks and buys the food for you as often as you do for him, or it's over. If he calls you petty, tell him that if it's petty it shouldn't be a big issue for him to see it your way. Don't fall for this pseudo logic of his.

Lydiand · 21/03/2015 12:53

When someone is mean to you the resentment builds and you feel like being mean back. If you felt that he was generous or even fair, you would never feel that you were being petty, it just wouldn't arise.

He's taking the piss, and has made it quite clear that he isn't going to change.

Being tight is a big turn off in my book.

basgetti · 21/03/2015 12:53

I could dump him easily if he was mean to everyone.

He is mean to you, and therefore also your children. That should be enough of a reason for you to dump him.

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:53

He really isn't joyless, that is the thing. He is really good fun and very happy go lucky. But tight. And unfair.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/03/2015 12:54

It's no good building a life with somebody like this. He'll never ever change. I'd just end the relationship. He's just a meanie.

winterinmadeira · 21/03/2015 12:54

OP please get rid of this bloke. I had a very similar experience and it took me far too long to see him for what he was - tight with money and generally a bit of a user. They don't change in my experience.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 12:55

He has done something wrong. He has used you - free meals at yours, free lifts. For years. Don't think he doesn't know that. No one is worth that feeling, of knowing, you are being used.

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