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Original poster

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 21/03/2015 18:19

In terms of explaining this to him, I think you can say that you've noticed he is capable of generosity towards others in his life but not you, which makes you think he is not actually that attached to you, therefore it's better to end the relationship because you clearly have different ideas about how they should work. The money spent doesn't need to take centre stage. It's his attitude.

I agree with others that you've given him a chance and things haven't changed. Time to call it a day rather than struggle on with this. My DH has his faults but he is unfailingly generous and gets pleasure out of spending his money on family and friends. Your partner sounds exactly the opposite with you and you deserve better.

YellowTulips · 21/03/2015 18:20

The thing is its not actually about a few quid here and there - it's about what his behaviour signifies wrt his feelings about you.

He's proactively taking advantage of you and continuous to do so when you have told him it makes you unhappy.

The fact he is fine with making you unhappy over a few quid is totally his issue and not yours.

hollyisalovelyname · 21/03/2015 18:29

Get rid.
Life isn't a rehearsal.
Do you really want to spend yours with a tightwad who has no respect for you?
He won't change.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 18:32

"Money grabbing people often think others are money grabbing because they think they're entitled to other peoples' money, and they hate having to part with money."

yes, this was my x. I used up all my savings feathering his nest. I had no rights though, and when I challenged him about how that was not right I was told "it's all about money with you!". Sez he, with loads of in the bank, a house in his name, a salary...... and me at his mercy with two children.

Had to leave him.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 18:54

Showing how much money he gives his ex doesn't prove he's not an arse when he is fleecing you.

It sounds as if he feels he paying out so much to his ex they he's entitled to recoup money when he's with you.

Doje · 21/03/2015 18:57

It doesn't sound great, and I'd probably get rid. But.... how about one day, when you go out for a meal, say "I'll pay, you get the next one" and see how he reacts. See if he can become a little less money focused and add a but more give and take into the situation.

Might be worth a go at changing tac before you dump.

Openup41 · 21/03/2015 19:17

Awful situation. It will not improve and you will feel you somehow do not deserve any better.

I have had two mean exes;

Ex 1 always mentioned he was hungry but only bought food AFTER he dropped me home. We were young and I had an early curfew.

We went to a disco once and he bought me all of two drinks whilst holding on to one ALL night. The tight wad sipped it throughout the evening.

Ex 2 we went halves or took it in turns to pay. I was a uni student and he worked full time earning decent money. I remember going to the Chinese take away and not having enough for the meal I wanted. He ordered his meal and I had to find a cheaper deal. I felt like crap - utterly worthless.

We were returning from a weekend away and just before boarding the coach he asked for the last of my change to buy a burger as he was peckish. It did not occur to him that I was hungry. He sat and ate it in front of me. It hit me then that he did not give a shit about me. Stupid old me hung around for a few more years before ending it.

Oh yes, he also cooked a full breakfast just as I was about to leave his house in the mornings. This way he did not need to offer me anything. That stung.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 21/03/2015 19:27

"I have never met his wife (not divorced, they tried but argued over money so gave up!)."

Erm, that doesn't sound good - could he be avoiding the divorce because he knows he will have to pay her money or buy her out of the house?

How long does he plan to stay married to her in order to avoid paying out?

I think that his desire to hang on to his money is causing him to treat you with very little respect. It also doesn't sound as if he is likely to improve...

I think life is too short to be with someone like that.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 19:35

agree with twinklestein again. My x could say the amount that he gives in maintenance and he could use it to 'prove' his generosity but he is court ordered to pay that amount. he fought it tooth and nail.

mildlyacquiescent · 21/03/2015 19:39

Er... he's still married?

Quite a drip there?

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 19:43

Not necessarily, mildly - some separated people don't get divorced if everything is agreed, unless eg a new marriage is on the cards.

I think the guy is tight and inconsiderate but I don't think he's a bad father or an evil ex.

DeckSwabber · 21/03/2015 19:46

I think this all depends where you want this relationship to go. If you are looking to have a future with him, move in together etc, that is different from a relationship where you are basically pottering along because it suits.

EveBoswell · 21/03/2015 19:50

Be glad you've got rid of him. Just imagine what it would be like if you were married to him!

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 19:56

He was obviously too tight to get divorced.

Quitelikely · 21/03/2015 19:59

Id be very surprised if he wasn't equally as tight when he was married.

It's not a very nice quality is it?

Come back and update us once you've had your chat with him Smile

prettywhiteguitar · 21/03/2015 20:02

You guys really shouldn't be thinking about money this much, save that for when you live together !! ??

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 20:13

I think you can't compare the amount you both spend on birthday gifts because you are probably only now working out after a number of years what you are both comfortable to spend birthday wise. Some people go crazy at Xmas/birthdays, others are more reserved.

Why not just text him saying that you've been thinking about things and you feel that if you shop/cook at your house, he really should cook at his house - or alternatively if he wants to be lazy and avoid cooking/shopping/looking at recipes, he could save him self the time/effort of cooking/shopping and buy you both a takeaway.

Ooooooooh · 21/03/2015 20:18

I think he is projecting all his money
resentments with the ex on to you. He's trying to treat you frugally and not invest

fluffapuss · 21/03/2015 20:19

Hello Blizzardcat

I guess you have found something that irritates you about your relationship (it could be anything really)

The way he makes you FEEL

only you can decide if it a deal breaker !

His priority does seem to be paying for his ex family

Presents dont have to always cost a lot of money, I would rather appreciate the thought that had gone into a well chosen present

I agree with one of the previous comments, if you have only been together 2 years where has the FUN gone ?

Good luck

RubbishMantra · 21/03/2015 20:22

" I have never met his wife (not divorced, they tried but argued over money so gave up!). I do know how much he earns and gives in maintenance as he insisted on showing me, I think to prove he is not an arse"

Sorry, but this would worry me. He didn't want to get divorced because it cost him too much. Insists on showing you his CSA payments. To show you what a prince among men he is.

Like I said upthread, tight with money, tight with love.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 21:05

'I guess I may have to move on. I would like to give him a chance to change first, as although it isn't fair, it wouldn't take much to make it right.'

You really need a prompt? You have already given him a chance to change.

He is still married.

He is mean, except when it comes to the possibility of a divorce which may well cost what to him is a lot.

You dumped him once, but then he paid for one dinner and that makes it all good? He's gone back to using you.

I could write you a litany on how short life is, but there's no need.

This person is niggardly. He had a chance to change, he has no interest in doing so and does not.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 21:06

'proves he's not an arse.'

I'm actually laughing at this, because it's patently obvious how big a dick he is to nearly everyone else here.

BuggersMuddle · 21/03/2015 21:30

He's mean - I'd seriously consider dumping.

As to the posters commenting about cost of presents etc., I think it's perfectly reasonable to start to think (if you think someone is otherwise taking the piss) 'oh there's another example where he was much less generous than me'. In a relationship where this wasn't an issue already, it probably wouldn't happen.

HelenaDove · 22/03/2015 00:36

I bet if OP had been posting in five years time about being financially abused by this tosser....Little Monsters would have come on here and posted....."well surely there were signs of this early on in the relationship Op" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HelenaDove · 22/03/2015 00:47

I bet if OP had been posting in five years time about being financially abused by this tosser.... pretty white guitar would have come on here and posted....."well surely there were signs of this early on in the relationship Op"