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Original poster

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/03/2015 16:14

For me it's not about what he's spending in who (I don't keep tally myself, just give thoughtfully to please each person) but more about an attitude which I think would be impossible to live with to develop the relationship in future.

Lydiand · 21/03/2015 16:19

RubbishMantra has commented on the "That's not how it works" statement, and I too wondered about that. Did he explain what he meant?

Such a strange thing to say.

BringMeTea · 21/03/2015 16:50

Get rid. He does not value you. You can definitely do better.

nicenewdusters · 21/03/2015 16:51

I wonder how he'd feel if his ex ended up with someone like him ? I bet he couldn't bear to think she might be spending some of her maintenance on her social life. Maybe deep down he resents having to pay maintenance (even if he pays more than the CSA amount) and so feels what money he has left should be all his ?

Whichever way you look at it, and the above isn't an excuse in any way, it's a horrible character trait. I think it shows he's holding back. Most people only two years into a relationship look forward to being able to treat themselves and their partner to a meal/present/night away. They don't do a cost-benefit analysis and get the calculator out.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 16:54

What Liand said. All this give him for half a tin of soup. Why the fuck are you having to be so miserable in your own home? The point is he dictates - 'That's not how it works' and then he doesn't pay, when he's at yours, you feed him loads and he doesn't put his hand in his pocket, when you're at his, he dictates that you go out and you pay half, when you go somewhere that requires a car, he dictates you go in yours and he never offers to pay and even refuses to, when you bring it up, he tells you it's all your fault.

FFS, life is way to short to tit for tat and 50-50 like a pair of student flatmates.

You already gave him a second chance. And he didn't change. You told him straight, he told YOU you were petty and mean.

Why on Earth waste more time with someone like this? There's nothing that redeems someone who is so stingy.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 17:09

"2) Ex (guilt but also to show what a great dad he is - even though he couldn't be bothered to actually rear his own kids so throws money at it so values personal relationships as financial transactions)"

This is ungrounded.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 17:20

nicenewdusters I reckon so. My x pays an amount that he was ordered to pay by the court but when he has the children he wouldn't so much as buy them an icecream. I have much less disposable income than he has but he would like for me to have none. That would be the idea status quo in his distorted mind. Even though I do all the parenting and work too! Confused He'd like me to be dirt poor and feels that because I'm not dirt poor, he's clearly giving too much.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 17:44

"that's not how it works" : I should have challenged him on this, I nearly said "if that is not how it works, we will go in your car then!" But I could sense the argument which would follow, we were already late and I wanted a fun night away so decided to let it go.

The way he said it was as if he thought I was money grabbing. I did make him pay half the petrol once before, but he paid in a begrudging way, 'fine, if money is so important to you'. Well, yes, money keeps food on the table and a roof over our heads.

His attitude to money would make sense if he was forking out for me, but he isn't. I think he considers the money he spends driving to my house as money spent on me, so thinks I should feed him because he has driven to mine.

He did support his wife for years and resented her not going back to work when the kids went to school. He has said he would never do it again and doesn't want a gf who would expect him to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 17:46

And Yonicscrewdriver, I agree, that comment about not being bothered to rear his kids, ungrounded, untrue. He is still very much rearing them, is an excellent dad, very involved.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 21/03/2015 17:52

Meanness is a very ugly trait

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 17:53

Doesn't it cost you money to get to his house though?

hillyhilly · 21/03/2015 17:53

Whatever his reasons or motivation, he is treating you unfairly and it is making you unhappy. You have tried explain it, he apologised, agreed to be more fair and then carried on exactly the same as before.
This is not the sign of a happy, healthy, respectful partnership.

lavenderhoney · 21/03/2015 17:54

He's costing you money. If you stay at his and he chooses not to buy food and cook, buy wine etc that's his choice but you don't make a guest pay! Especially when they happily cook and buy for you.

He's taking the piss.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2015 17:56

"He has said he would never do it again and doesn't want a gf who would expect him to pay".

And he has found precisely that in you. You were targeted OP: he saw your innate kindness and took that for being overall weakness, he sees you really as a complete pushover with MUG on your forehead. He also sounds very entitled.

He also reads to me like a cocklodger. The sex may be good and he can be charming on occasion but what else is there really; his tightwad behaviour is a big problem to you and you cannot and will not solve it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Are you really only together out of some innate fear on your part of being alone?. Is he really a habit you cannot break?.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 21/03/2015 17:59

I would hate this, because I'm generous. Dh is generous too. We used to argue about who would pay as we'd both try to :)

We probably ended up paying 50/50 on average, but both felt good and generous.

I couldn't be with someone like your dp. He would take advantage of my generosity and I'd feel aggrieved. We wouldn't be compatible. And it's not a small thing, it would make me miserable to feel I had to change who I am to protect my finances from someone happy to take advantage.

Move on. It's him not you. He needs to be with someone equally stingey.

RubbishMantra · 21/03/2015 18:00

"The way he said it was as if he thought I was money grabbing"

He's projecting his own Scrouge-ish ways on you OP. Angry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2015 18:01

"He is still very much rearing them, is an excellent dad, very involved".

And what direct evidence do you yourself have of this behaviour?. If none this is all supposition.

Have you ever spoken to his ex wife?.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 18:06

Fine, if money is so important to you'. Well, yes, money keeps food on the table and a roof over our heads

But he's the one to whom money is so important. He's the one shafting you because it's so important to him that he can't bear to part with it.

It's not so important to you, so you don't mind forking out for him.

I would just be really straight with him that he's a sponger and you don't know if you an afford to keep funding him.

Babynamechange · 21/03/2015 18:07

What attilathemeercat said. Also, and I could be way off the mark, but I wouldn't be that surprised if he isn't paying more CSA, just saying that he is. I used to know someone who did things like that.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 18:09

I guess I may have to move on. I would like to give him a chance to change first, as although it isn't fair, it wouldn't take much to make it right.

He does buy wine and food for me at his house and does cook for me, it isn't that we always go out at his, just a lot more often than at mine. And we only see each other once or twice a week, so not a big deal.

It feels like I am making this into a big deal when it really is just a few quid here and there. This situation makes me feel like I am the mean one, like I am causing a problem.

I should not have to point it out to him (again!). I will, and if he is an arse about it (again...) I guess that will tell me everything.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 18:10

Money grabbing people often think others are money grabbing because they think they're entitled to other peoples' money, and they hate having to part with money.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 18:12

You already have given him a chance OP, you dumped him over the petrol incident and he didn't change.

Why would he change now?

Don't waste more of your life in this guy, when you could be spending it with someone who is funny and as generous as you are.

TendonQueen · 21/03/2015 18:12

Look at it this way. If it's not a big thing, why is he so resistant to changing it? Especially when he earns more than you, so it should be even less of a big deal to him. But no, he haggles over giving you petrol money! If nothing else is enough to convince you that you are not the mean one, that should be.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 18:15

I know he is a very involved dad as I have seen how he is with his kids. He goes to all parents' evenings, events etc. and is involved in discussing behaviour (have heard convos between him and his ex on phone). I have never met his wife (not divorced, they tried but argued over money so gave up!). I do know how much he earns and gives in maintenance as he insisted on showing me, I think to prove he is not an arse. My ex is very definitely an arse but does pay me more than csa state because he is self employed and can afford a bit more.

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 21/03/2015 18:15

Next time you go to his say cheerfully " are you taking me out for dinner or planning to cook?"

If he isn't sharing his money and a few quid here and there means so much, he is punishing you for his paying in the past. It all sounds a bit like hard work tbh. You'll be keeping a spreadsheet next:)