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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
HoldenCaulfield80 · 21/03/2015 12:58

What a tightarse! Can you imagine putting up with this for the rest of your life? Get rid , if nothing else it'll save YOU some money!

Lydiand · 21/03/2015 13:00

Can you turn his meanness into a joke, and just hold your hand out and ask for half towards petrol and home cooked meals? If you can't then I don't see any future in it.

You're not responsible for him and you shouldn't subsidise him.

DeckSwabber · 21/03/2015 13:01

Do you think he might be feeling guilty about the children and ex-wife? Or hoping to get back together?

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 13:02

Exactly ^

Of course he's done something wrong. He's not paying his way, he's using you.

You can be tight yet still pay your way - just maybe a bit stingy with presents etc.

But he's deliberately costing you money that would be better spent on your kids. That is deeply selfish and shows he has no respect for you.

Why would you stay with someone who treats you badly just because he makes you laugh? There are loads of funny men in the world.

You need to value yourself enough OP to know that you're worth more than a man values you so little.

HermioneWeasley · 21/03/2015 13:03

I am tight, but fair. He is using you. He's not tight, he's a sponger.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 13:05

'It doesn't work that way,' except when it's your hand in your pocket. You got back with him, and he's still the same. Spend your money on your kids, not feeding his big gob and chauffeuring him about.

DeckSwabber · 21/03/2015 13:11

I'd suggest digging your heels in a bit. Eating at his? Lovely - but you can't afford to eat out this week so he'll have get something in. If he complains, remind him that you pay for food at yours.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 13:15

He will tit for tat. It's no way to live.

paxtecum · 21/03/2015 13:19

Just dump him. Life is too short.

cleanmyhouse · 21/03/2015 13:23

my mate was in a similar situation. she stuck it out for years. Eventually it made her hate him. The rest of their relationship was great, but this took over.

Ditch him before you hate him. He can't share, its never going to go away.

HolgerDanske · 21/03/2015 13:25

Yeah sorry he's never going to change. Ever.

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 13:36

Oh. I so don't want to be in this situation! It shouldn't cost me more than it costs him to be together.

I do think he has a lot of guilt about leaving his wife and kids (3.5 years ago, entirely his choice) so I guess that does explain why he is not stingy to them. I did think it was a great sign that he paid extra maintenance and treated them all so well. I just expected at some point the same generosity would apply to me.

Dumping him over this makes me feel like some kind of golddigger, though I know I am not.

The amount of money extra I spend is so tiny, probably a fiver a week, it seems crazy to fall out over. But you guys are right, it is about respect.

OP posts:
FelineLou · 21/03/2015 13:41

Why is he just mean with money with me?
Because you let him be mean. Dont drive him or buy him food. And expect him to pay his share like he does you.
Tell him and ignore the accusations of meanness (projection).

GoatsDoRoam · 21/03/2015 13:45

He's mean, you don't like it, you've done the dumping, you've had the talk, and the situation is still exactly the same.

If you don't like it, and he's not going to change, then your only option now is to end it.

And that's ok. Of course it's not a situation you want to be in, but it's totally ok to dump someone for having a character trait that you can't stand and they can't change.

pictish · 21/03/2015 13:50

Sounds crap really...what's yours is his and what's his is his. Confused

expatinscotland · 21/03/2015 13:52

All that tit for tatting. That is what your relationship is. I pay half, no you pay for meals at yours, no, we go out at mine and you pay half. How wearing, stupid and tiresome. He's not happy go lucky and easygoing. He's mean. He won't change.

So you have to.

loveyoutothemoon · 21/03/2015 13:53

What a loser! Dump him or be more assertive.

straighttothepoint · 21/03/2015 13:54

Ltb

Penguinsaresmall · 21/03/2015 14:02

Dump him. Being tight is a huge deal-breaker.

NoWireCoathangers · 21/03/2015 14:06

I had a similar issue with a previous partner, for 3 years I picked up the tab for most nice things we did. He was always careful with money and bought a fixer upper house, that he lived in and paid the mortgage off before he did it up. He'd just done it up. I though as he was a teacher he was on a low income. Only when, on one weekend I stayed at his and needed to pick up some emails did I realise he had just under £100k in savings in the bank! When we went out with my friends he would pay exactly what he'd eaten, when we went out with his friend we all just split the bill.

He was dumped! I met my wonderful husband within a year of dumping the cheap skate!

blueberrypie0112 · 21/03/2015 14:07

I Don't mind how much he spend on his children (or how much he give for his kids) but as far how much he spend on himself - would bother me if he is being stingy on his gf or date.

watchingthedetectives · 21/03/2015 14:14

I think above all else stingyness is a deal-breaker. It will annoy you forever.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 14:16

Because you let him be mean

He's not mean because she lets him, he's mean because he's mean.

He doesn't value her enough to treat her fairly and decently.

Littlemonstersrule · 21/03/2015 14:16

Do people really compare costs of birthday presents? Some years I spend more, sometimes less depending on what the person wants.

Expenses of dating should be split equally. Many women expect the man to pay more so if he was posting you didn't spend as much he would be told it's fine. As a man spending a little less, he needs to be dumped? We want equality just not when it comes to money it seems.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 14:16

Tell him you can't afford him. That sounds easier to say than 'I pay out more than you do'.

I agree with viviennemary, you just can't build a life with somebody like this. At the very least you need to tell him that you can't afford him. That going out with him is an expense and that is not fair on you. He probably counts every penny he spends on you and doesn't notice all the cooking you do for him, and all the miles he's driven in your car!

And if going out with him is a continuous expense, that effects your children.