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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/03/2015 18:42

He's a nasty piece of work Shock

What kind of person says, "I chose to treat you badly because you were so hurt by being treated badly in the last"? What kind of brain thinks like that?

You have had a very lucky escape. Well done you for seeing the signs and getting away.

If you do keep finding you attract the same types of men, have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/03/2015 18:42

In the past, not last.

YonicScrewdriver · 31/03/2015 18:44

I bet Flowers

"Acting accordingly" if you think someone is still thinking of an ex would be (a) a gentle conversation and (b) a regretful break up if (a) changed nothing. Not (c)
Belng mr stinge whilst pretending to be mr nice...

blizzardcat · 31/03/2015 18:48

I've done the Freedom Program. Clearly I failed! This ex was better than exh though, so maybe I am working up some kind of awful man ladder?

There is a saying I read on mumsnet that you should never tell a man how badly you have been treated by other men, or they will treat you the same. Maybe it is true. I don't know how I can possibly explain my life without though.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/03/2015 18:56

You haven't failed :) maybe you just need a bit more convincing that you're worth more than these idiots Flowers

IfNotNowThenWhen · 31/03/2015 19:32

It's not true blizzard. If you meet a nice man, and tell, him how badly you have been treated, he will be sympathetic and want to look after you, not add to the misery. I had a horribly stingy ex, and it just grinds you down and makes you feel like the nit picking stingy one. Not worth it.
Good men do exist, and tbh I wouldn't have said that six months ago, but I met one Smile (so far so good!)

Binklesback · 31/03/2015 20:33

Yeh he's a freeloader as far as your relationship goes. Equality is fine but you're paying far more than him. He will justify this no doubt by the fact he is paying maintenance out already (which is good) but that doesn't help you. My dad is a tight arse and it drove my mum mad til the day she died.

Quitelikely · 31/03/2015 21:36

You look at what a man does not what he says.

You saw what he did. He was tight, selfish & greedy - with you.

You are well rid. He will now be out of pocket since you aren't funding him anymore.

Flowers
FuckingLiability · 31/03/2015 21:47

He's a cunt. Only a cunt would say he was treating you the same as your horrible ex as some kind of fucked up way of meeting your expectations. And he's just saying it to get his own back because you binned him.

It's not true that a man will treat you as badly as you tell him previous partners have treated you. I've dated some utter abusive horrors, DH knows all about it and has never been anything but wonderful to me.

You are worth more and you deserve more.

blizzardcat · 01/04/2015 00:50

Can't sleep. Appreciate all your lovely replies on here. And the flowers!

I'm ok on my own, I will probably get used to it. I do want a happy ever after ending with someone lovely though. I guess it will take patience. I can't believe he was so horrible. I am kind of shocked by the whole thing

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 01/04/2015 01:00

Loving the idea of the awful man ladder. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself a bit of time, be lovely to yourself - and maybe then you'll be able to skip a few rungs. More Flowers

blizzardcat · 01/04/2015 01:21

I want to skip some rungs : )

OP posts:
maras2 · 01/04/2015 01:35

I think that you're a Star So please accept more Flowers and Cake and Wine .

CluckYouCrossAndThatBunny · 01/04/2015 04:16

I think a good man will always treat you well, and a bad man will always look for an excuse not to. Dh knows everything and is extra careful to be there for me.

I agree with, "always look at what they do and not what they say". It's amazing how different the two can be.

blizzardcat · 02/04/2015 14:30

I can't stop crying. I've got loads of work to do, but can't concentrate. How do I get over this quickly?! He is already online dating to replace me. I don't want to date, I just want to feel better.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 02/04/2015 14:48

What you are going through is entirely normal. You are grieving for your relationship.

But you know you were worth more, you are better than him and you did the right thing on calling his behaviour.

His response tells you everything you need to know.

What I find funny is: can you imagine him taking someone on a date, he is so tight and greedy she certainly isn't going to get a free meal is she? Smile

Life, when you love someone is all about sharing, being kind and giving to others. Not always monetary but money plays a big part of it.

He was too unkind. You deserve better.

Flowers
HelenaDove · 02/04/2015 14:49

OP Hes not worth ANY more of your time. He is already online dating because he is looking for the next person he can sponge off.

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