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Original poster

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 21/03/2015 14:19

I think there's a saying that goes something like: "Mean with money, mean with love."

I have a huge problem with stinginess/meanness. I couldn't stand it myself.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 14:20

ps, you're not petty. And this bit makes me Shock

There's an inference that if you were a better gf you'd be treated more often.

It should be easy to dump a man who has implied that.

Thing with meanness is, I can be very frugal at times but I am very mi casa es su casa with my family because I love them. I'm frugal generally but I don't try and manipulate situations so that my friends or family bear more of the expense than I do!

Jacana · 21/03/2015 14:21

Just this...if you stay or if you dump is your choice but please go in his car. Even if you pay half the petrolHmm petrol costs do not equate actual running costs of a car. While you're putting wear on your tyres, gears, etc.etc. and depreciating, his is staying at home with no wear and tear, extra mileage, etc. at all. Bet he realises this, tooShock

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 14:22

"As a man spending a little less, he needs to be dumped?"

OP spent £60 on petrol, arranged free accommodation and he refused to pay towards petrol and still made her split dinner.

That's not a bit on a birthday present, that's mean.

YellowTulips · 21/03/2015 14:30

The thing is he's not stingy is he?

He seems perfectly capable of demonstrating generosity to anyone apart from you.

So ultimately the only conclusion possible to draw is that he is using you and has no qualms about doing so.

Actions do speak louder than words and I personally couldn't accept that his good qualities as a BF outweighed a fundamental disrespect for me.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 14:32

Littlemonstersrule. Women often pay less than the man because historically women have usually been paid less than men, and still are. If a man was not happy with a woman paying less u think he would get the same response I am getting. It should be equal, or agreed upon if otherwise.

I only compare birthday present prices as it was a very obvious difference. He was a bit embarrassed I think and said a few things about other gifts he thought of getting me but didn't (this makes it worse imo). His Christmas present to me was also much cheaper. He spent more on his mother. I am getting more and more angry about this!

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 21/03/2015 14:35

Then let him go and find somebody that meets your expectations of spoiling you moneywise Hmm

He may be mean but adding up his spending and checking the cost of presents isn't exactly the nicest trait either.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 14:35

Get angry and get shot.

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 14:38

Littlemonstersrule, you seem to be the only poster on the thread who has failed to grasp the point.

The OP would like equality - ie she and her bf paying equally.

What she has got is someone who is not paying his share, and all too happy to sponge off her. Despite the fact he earns twice her salary.

That is not equality.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 14:40

Little monsters I'm not asking to be spoiled! Just for it to be fair.

I don't naturally nitpick and I have never had to count up spending before. It has just never come up in other relationships as most people just automatically pay their fair share.

I like buying people presents, and am always spotting things I could get bf, but don't buy them anymore as he would just take them and never ever reciprocates.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 21/03/2015 14:40

Little monsters I think you are being harsh.

The presents are just an example of his overall approach to money wrt the OP.

If he wasn't so unfair about food, nights out and petrol money etc the the presents wouldn't be a issue. It's the fact that he is totally unbalanced in how much he financially invests in the relationship as a whole.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/03/2015 14:43

And equally - if he was a bit crap about petrol money but brilliant with presents, maybe she'd feel differently.

But how is it fair that he always wants to take her car but never pays her petrol? Always eats at her house but never cooks for her and makes her split the dinner bill?

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 14:46

Don't worry blizzardcat, we get it. some posters haven't read the thread that well I think.

But it costs him nothing to sit an eat at your house on the weekends he's with you, but it costs you ingredients, and the effort of cooking!

when you're at his house there's no acknowledgement of the fact that the food didn't just materialise oout of nowhere, that you paid for it with MONEY, because he expects you to pay half when you eat at. so no effort for him either.

I think you are subsidising him. Subsidising him with regard to food. and as others have said, petrol aside, his car sits tucked away while yours clocks up mile after mile.

ps, my x's maintenance towards the children is in some people's eyes generous but I spend it on the children. so he's not handing over money to his wife to go out for meals and buy herself treats. But I am on your side! I think he has saved about £20 a week by being mean and petty. That's just pointless meanness to me.

KaffeOgGulerodsKage · 21/03/2015 14:51

Also, Blizzard, the fact taht you've let this situation evolve over two years shows you're not the petty one. You let things slide to begin with and it's taken two years before you have begun to feel resentful. You are generous by nature and don't want to make a fuss over a few pounds but he has taken advantage of that. When I'm with a generous man, I let my guard down because I don't expect to be taken advantage of so we both end up trying to treat each other and pay for things. Each knowing that the other wouldn't want to take advantage. It can happen! I also went out with a man who had NO money and although he wasn't mean, I subsidised him becauuse he had nothing and then I thought, ffs this is ridiculous. So I stopped paying for more than 50% of anything and then he Hmm what do you know.........stopped wanting to do things when it cost him the actual market rate!! so by the time i broke it off with him the only thing he wanted to do was to go out for a walk!! once, we had arranged to go out for a walkk (but I was already feeling, this isn't right, I'm going to end it) when he was late to my house. An hour late. So I paid a babysitter to sit in my house for an hour so that he could be late. I was home by nine o'clock feeling free!

Inertia · 21/03/2015 14:51

You're not being fair. He's taking advantage.

He won't change while all you do is complain but not take action. You need to decide whether to try acting, or just accept that you are not worth enough to him for him to split costs fairly. Of course he'd rather go in your car and eat your food - you're paying! And due to paying for his demands, your children miss out.

If you think he's worth the effort, I'd try simply not providing any food at your house or driving anywhere. When he visits, give him half the cost of a couple of tins of soup and send him to the shop.

Original poster
blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 15:21

I like the soup idea Inertia! Soup it is. Hopefully he will take the hint. If not, The End.
Not sure if I have been unfair to him, he does cook sometimes at his, just not nearly as often as me. He will pick up on me being cross. I am not looking forward to explaining myself again, but worth one more go.
Thanks for all the understanding replies.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 15:25

Don't think of it as having to 'explain yourself'. That makes him sound like your boss or your teacher.

You don't actually have to justify yourself to him at all.

He's a tightwad sponger, taking advantage of you. You can either tell him that straight or not bother. It's entirely up to you.

chocolatefingersandtoes · 21/03/2015 15:27

That would REALLY annoy me OP and likely be the end of the relationship. I am a generous person, as is my DH. It's one of the things I love most about him...it's actually a really lovely trait. Stinginess is so petty and unnecessary. It shows instantly how you undervalue the other person, so offputtingAngry

Lydiand · 21/03/2015 15:45

If you are with a mean person, you end up mirroring their behaviour to protect yourself.

You then become someone that you don't want to be. It's a no win situation really.

KissyBoo · 21/03/2015 15:49

Why can't you tell him straight. If it is his turn to cook at his- tell him that's what you're doing. Refuse to go out unless he is paying the whole bill in this case.

Re petrol- tell him it is his turn to drive and you won't be.

Over all I would say he is just fuck buddy material so why don't you just use him for the sex and not bother with the rest?

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 15:56

Ltb

Miggsie · 21/03/2015 16:02

He considers himself to be more important than you by his actions.
He prioritises his ex and his mother in terms of financial value.
Therefore you are in a hierarchy of which you are 3 out of 3
Or 4 out of 4 really as his hierarchy of money spending is:
1)Himself
2) Ex (guilt but also to show what a great dad he is - even though he couldn't be bothered to actually rear his own kids so throws money at it so values personal relationships as financial transactions)
3) His mum
4) You

And you have to fight for the scraps he deals you.
When you are 4 out of 4 in someone's life, it's time to pack it in.

Inertia · 21/03/2015 16:07

Sorry, I meant that you're not being UNfair !

RubbishMantra · 21/03/2015 16:09

That remark "That's not how it works." about paying his share of the petrol is particularly arse-hole-ish. Did he explain why that isn't how it works?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 21/03/2015 16:10

Spent more on his mum's present? That's not good. Lot's of very nice people are tight (my mum is) - but that is a real alarm bell.