Just what do you have against marriage?

[DumbledoresGirl]

All you girls who are thinking of getting married after YorkieGirl's advice but just can't bring yourself to do it, or are only doing it because of the legal implications, please explain to me, what have you got against marriage? I won't agree with you, but I would love to understand more about your reasoning.

Here is an extract from one of my favourite book's on marriage, Susan Maushart's "Wifework"

(The first half of the article is more relevant than the second. The book, I would recommend.)

I don't have anything against it.

I've done it more than once!

I cant wait to get married.

i only read the OP of the thread that Yorkie started. my objection to marriage is the cost! BUT we are engaged and we are saving(ish)

tiredemma: why?

Sorry MP I started reading it but I have a life to lead and socks to darn, you know. Give me your precis.

IT costs money. Its a rather expensive bit of paper/party. I will when we can afford it. We have been engaged 9 years - we felt that buying a house, especially in the current climate, and having children took precedence - costwise.

don't lie about having a life

anyway, my problem with marriage starts with the sock-darning

dont know really, Obv mainly because I love my DP - but also because I would like to have a really special day with all of our close friends and family.

Its not the be all and end all, we have been together 8 yrs, but we both know that its the next step for us - not until I have finished Uni though- and not until we can both decide on where ( I want to get wed in either Italy or Mallorca- he wants Las Vegas- with Elvis - not what I want im afraid!!!)

mine will not cost money

Message withdrawn

I don't feel I can honestly promise to love and stay with the same person for the rest of my life.

I also feel my relationship with dp is a private thing and I don't want interference, legislation or authorisation from the state concerning it.

A lot of my friends - who are otherwise quite sensible - say that they wanted to get married because it feels "warm and cosy" and "secure".

It changes your status with each other - in ways that are conscious and subconscious - and unconscious.

You are taken on a HUGE amount of symbolic meaning - and the end result of that, for a lot of women, is the burden of "wifework" - childcare and housework - and an unequal relationship.

MP - my comment about socks was a joke.

It surely doesn't cost much does it? What does a registry office cost? Two witnesses off the street. You don't need a big party or honeymoon - this is a legal thing you are doing.

F&Z: you don't plan to be or you don't want to be with the father of your children for the rest of your life?

I don't feel I can honestly promise to love and stay with the same person for the rest of my life.

I don't think you actually need to promise anything

But it's all there of course, with the big fat burden of cultural meaning that's attached

If comes the day that my friends and family DO know we are married, I will always introduced dp as "My second husband"

We witnessed for a couple who did just the registry thing, and handfasted. No rings.

Cheap as chips!

Message withdrawn

you don't have to promise anything. Choose your own words.

Go to the registry office and just call upon the persons present to witness that you take each other for as long as you can put up with each other if you can't promise to love them forever and be faithful.

"The study, To Marry or Not to Marry: the impact of marital status on the division of household labour, surveyed 1400 couples (1200 married and 200 cohabiting) and is part of an Australia-wide longitudinal study called Negotiating the Lifecourse.

Dr Baxter found that married couples used a more "traditional" division of labour than cohabiting couples, with women shouldering most of the indoor work and men doing more outdoor tasks.

Cohabiting men do about 40 percent of indoor work compared to 27 percent for married men, while cohabiting women do about 71 percent of indoor work and married women do about 81 percent.

This is significant because indoor tasks have to be done regularly and are much more time-consuming. And although men do 70 or 80 percent of outdoor tasks, that might only involve ten minutes a week taking out the garbage and an hour a week mowing the lawn. It's quite small and very much depends whether you're living in a flat or a house."

I am glad I am married because it meant a commitment, in full view of my family and friends, to stay with this one person for ever. I meant it. I still mean it. However, I realise that things can change.

I don't feel that marriage was the thing that changed my status. Having a child and not working changed my status. Before that, we did equal shares in the cleaning and general housework.

I honestly don't get the argument that the relationship changes after marriage. You people are so strong and liberated and determined to exercise your rights as individuals and also determined to see your partners do their fair share of child rearing, house keeping, earning, etc - why would being married suddenly turn you into a domestic slave?

I think marriage is mis-sold in fact I'm gonna call trading standards

i would never do it again (btw am still married), you sort of think that when you meet a nice man and get married then everything will be ok, but i am increasingly disenchanted with it.

Maushart unwraps a lot of cultural expectations about marriage by citing loads of studies and examples, but is also REALLY readable

(Her book the Mask of Motherhood: Why Motherhood Changes Everything And Why We pretend It Doesn't does the same thing for parenting)

Does Marital Status Make a Difference?
Housework Among Married and Cohabiting Men and Women
BETH ANNE SHELTON
State University of New York?Buffalo

DAPHNE JOHN

Oberlin College

In this article, a comparison is made between the time that cohabiting and married women and men spend doing housework, to determine whether there are differences between them and to isolate the sources of those differences. Differences in cohabiting and married women's and men's household labor time are interpreted in light of the way that marital status may affect how gender is accomplished. Using the National Survey of Families and Households, the authors found that marital status affects women's household labor time but not men's; married women spend significantly more time on housework than do cohabiting women. In addition, the gap between cohabiting and married women's housework time cannot be accounted for by sociodemographic differences between them. It was also found that cohabiting women are more like single, noncohabiting women than they are like married women. That is, the research demonstrates the uniqueness of married women. It is not simply the presence of a man that is associated with women's spending more time on housework; it is the presence of a husband.