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Original poster

Just what do you have against marriage?

232 replies

DumbledoresGirl · 28/10/2006 20:05

All you girls who are thinking of getting married after YorkieGirl's advice but just can't bring yourself to do it, or are only doing it because of the legal implications, please explain to me, what have you got against marriage? I won't agree with you, but I would love to understand more about your reasoning.

OP posts:
rustycreakingdoorbear · 28/10/2006 20:41

As far as I can see from a quick skim-reading of what is admittedly only an extract from the book, the only actual disincentivethe author put forward for being married was that it made her (a)obey her husband (b) scrub the bathroom and (c) use a cookbook. I've been married for 26 years now and I have (a) never obeyed my husband (b)only cleaned the bathroom when I had to and (c)what's wrong with a cookbook?
P.S. I don't darn socks either.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 28/10/2006 20:41

MP - Thing is, I don't actually want to only have a cat. I just know that I probably wouldn't want to go through the whole dating thing again if dh and I split. Plus, dh is allergic to cats, so I can't have one now . I actually enjoy being married and 'settled'. It feels good.

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:42

I have other reasons too:

Religious reasons:

  1. The church does not really recognise second marriages (you can't marry in church)
  2. It probably isn't very clever to stand in front of God and make the same promises untildeathdouspart - you know, like AGAIN
  3. I like having a special bond with my ex-spouse that I don't share with anyone else, because we are still very close
  4. DP feels most of the above as well
  5. Being an unmarried family in a church environment is very big statement to make. It is controversial and I like being an example of an alternative family unit to my children.

Non-church reasons:

  1. As above, I like my children not to think that life is a fairytale where you get married and live happily ever after. I don't want them to be obssessed by the marriage "thing" and think that it is a rite of passage that they have to go through to validate themselves, their relationship or their families.
  2. Getting divorced was the most stressful experience of my life. It is hugely symbolic and devastating for families.
  3. It will mean either lying to our families or hurting our families - we would not want 'a wedding'.
  4. The darning of socks.
DastardlyDevilishDior · 28/10/2006 20:44

Well, your reasons work for you MP! (All except no. 9)

hulababy · 28/10/2006 20:44

I love being married. It certainly hasn't harmed or changed our relationship. Been married 8 years now, together 16 years. It's all been fab.

I got two wedding days - both to the same man, both very different and both wonderful!

tiredemma · 28/10/2006 20:45

hulababy- go on- tell me where were your two weddings? and why two?

expatinscotland · 28/10/2006 20:46

Do you have kids w/your ex, MP?

My ex spouse had our marriage annulled.

BUT, he admitted he never wanted kids.

Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 28/10/2006 20:47

MP, interesting thoughts. Thought I should let you know though - sock darning went out with the vote coming in!

OP posts:
sorrell · 28/10/2006 20:47

Don't be silly. Socks are £2 a dozen a primark. Who needs darning? Marriage is exactly what you make it. And you don't need to promise to be faithful, or to be married forever.

hulababy · 28/10/2006 20:47

mp - the first religious reason you give is not always the case. Some churches will allow second marriages in church - much depends on the local vicar/priest, etc.

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:48

expat: no my exhubby had a sex change

so that was out of the question

expatinscotland · 28/10/2006 20:49

That is grounds for annulment in the Catholic Church, MP, if you are a Catholic.

You would be entirely free to remarry in the Church again, should you wish.

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:49

You aren't allowed to marry in church if either of you were married when you got together i.e. if either of you were the cause of the previous person's marital breakdown

which I'm afraid I had a hand in

hulababy · 28/10/2006 20:50

tired emma - two weddings within 2 weeks of eachother. First was on safari in Kenya, just me and DH. Very private and personal etween the two of us. I knew the whole bit in church would terrify me - I don't like to be in front of people like that, centre of attention thing (odd for someone who was a teacher I know). Second was a big church blessing (catholic church) at home - for family and friends. Had informal but large reception party for 100+ guests. Wore same dress both times

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:50

yes expat I know, but I don't WANT to have my marriage annulled

I stood in front of God and the community in all honesty and made those vows - as did my husband

How can it be right for anyone to turn around and say "Well, that actually didn't count"

I want my first marriage recognised - it was a good thing and a positive thing in a lot of ways

I don't want to rub it out of history

expatinscotland · 28/10/2006 20:53

If you feel that way.

In our case, we felt that we miscommunicated. We were not mature enough to make decisions about children at the time.

These are the reasons given for our annulment.

Which was granted w/no real trouble.

tiredemma · 28/10/2006 20:53

that sounds fab hula- just what I want- a wedding away with just a handfull of close friends and then a blessing with family etc.

Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 28/10/2006 20:53

MP, not even for the future security of your children? (going back to YG's original point)

OP posts:
moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:54

The catholic church will annul any marriage where one or either partner goes into it not wanting children

it actually doesn't recognise such a marriage in the first place

cheery eh

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:55

Dumbledore: Yes we discussed it last night (as did every cohabiting couple in the country ) and agreed it is the right thing to do

hunkermunker · 28/10/2006 20:55

Nobody done the "marriage is an institution and who wants to live in an institution" gag? [disappointed]

MP, you'll only get divorced if you get married, that's true.

Because it's not called a divorce if you aren't married.

[trivialises important subject]

GraceUnderFire · 28/10/2006 20:55

Dangnabbit, no-one told me I'm supposed to darn socks!

moaningpaper · 28/10/2006 20:57

Nothing wrong with living in an institution

As least someone else does the laundry

zephyrHellcat · 28/10/2006 20:57

To quote Expat "It's not for me to decide, but I hope my children do marry. I hope they find that person and feel that feeling of 'This is it. This is the person i want to be with forever.'

No, there's never any guarantee that will come to pass, but it's a great feeling."

That's how I feel too. DP and I have been together 6 years now. We've talked about getting married but DP always said it was too expensive and I was never really that bothered. Last night I sat looking through MN as always and tonight we are choosing wedding rings. I can't wait to be honest. My Mum and Dad divorced when I was about 6 and that has made me more determined to have a happy marriage and to make my children part of a happily married unit. I can't thank Yorkie enough for giving us the kick up the a**e we needed!!

expatinscotland · 28/10/2006 20:57

If you don't want the Church to recognise it, anyhow, why not just have a civil wedding and carry on, MP?