Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

On a job application? Woah. That's intrusive.

It will help when he dies (and anyone who wants to judge me for saying that should fuck of to another thread). But I'm kind of stressed about various aspects of that (people hassling me to go to the funeral, that sort of thing).

Yes, that does have the potential to be rather unpleasant, doesn't it? Not the sort of thing you want to be explaining to all and sundry at a funeral. Still, at least you've time to ponder what you will say. And if you do end up going, at least you'll be able to make sure he's really dead.

I'm not going. No way. I refuse to be in a room with a) my so-called family, b) people who are friends with my so-called family. Not happening.

I think worrying about this is kind of a distraction, iyswim.

Sorry I wasn't around earlier peppermint. I don't know how I'll feel when my parents die - it's something I also worry about. They didn't abuse me but they were, and are, atrocious parents. I think I'll be relieved when they go but it's hard to say - feelings are never straightforward are they.

Don't be sorry!

I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now.

How are you doing peppermint?

So-so. How are you?

Very all over the place at the moment. I having weird moments of high anxiety that come and go, which is a new thing. Mostly I feel pretty good - life's going well, no big worries, but then I'll have ten minutes or so where I'm envisioning bad things happening to the kids or where I feel I've forgotten something really important but can't figure out what. It's very odd but I'm managing ok.

How are you getting on day to day? Is how you're feeling affecting you or are you managing?

Sometimes feelings just come out and attach to things I think.

I wasn't coping at all but seem to be slightly better now - am so up and down currently

Hello. I was wondering if I could join you?

Of course, this thread is for anyone who needs it - please do post when you are ready.

I've never really talked about it, but I've noticed I think more about it since having children. I have always assumed I am unaffected by it.

I was sexually abused by my uncle from about age 4 or 5, until I was old enough to realise that I could tell him to piss off.

Sorry I've only just twigged that I had posted on your other thread as I tend not to notice usernames.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

cailin and Peppermint hope you are both doing ok. I'm struggling at the moment too. I know from the outside my life must look ok - husband house and 2 beautiful kids but inside its all falling apart.
Hello Filbert I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you

It's hard when you feel alone with it while stuff looks fine. Sorry you're struggling Always, do you want to talk about it?

Thanks Peppermint it's nothing new really, just a consolidation of lots of things.
Since DD was born a year ago DH and I have only had sex once. I've found it incredibly difficult to even want sexual contact as having a DD brought so many bad feelings about the past (which DH knows about). Trouble is DH sees it as an "all or nothing" situation as he won't even hug or touch me and rarely kisses me as he says he "can't deal with not being able to do more". I don't see why we can't still hug kiss or just be nice to each other but he just won't. Sorry this is garbled, there is so much more, I just feel like he's not interested anymore now that sex is not on the cards

always that sounds very hard for you. Having children certainly triggered things for me.

I've just started reading the thread from the start - it's really helpful. Although I do feel a fraud as I don't think what I experienced was that bad because my uncle lived far away and only visited our house (and stayed) about 3 times a year. He also died suddenly when I was 16 years old. Which was pretty great.

I also have always felt unaffected by it. I remember thinking that I would never cry in front of people or let men take advantage of me in any way (I was a bitch of a girlfriend to teenage boys).

Anyway, perhaps I was a bit more affected than I thought I was.

Incidentally, my parents found out when he died as he had written journals detailing it all. They found them while sorting his house. I don't think my mum has forgiven herself for allowing it to happen (she could never have known).

Always that sounds really hard, I'm sorry.

Filbert in my experience most survivors think everyone else's experiences count more than theirs. Any is too much; any is serious; there is no comparison.

The journals sound very upsetting.

I abandoned this thread as I felt like a fraud, and that my experience was so different to others. Maybe I should come back. Withdrawing when I'm in pain is a pretty typical pattern for me.

Agreed, we all do minimise our own experiences. I often wonder why. Even on this thread, I catch myself thinking, "I didn't have it so bad; at least it wasn't my parents." But it was regular and frequent and by current legal definitions it was rape, and it went on from when I was out of nappies to when I was seven. Of course it was bad!

Having a daughter's brought a lot of things back for me too. Wasn't so bad when she was a baby, but now she's two, only a little younger than I was when it started, and I get horribly intrusive images - sometimes involving me as a child, sometimes involving her now, and... I don't have the words to describe how hideous it is, having images like that popping into your head.

stormy actually you have just made me think... My daughter is 4 and that's how old I was when it started for me. Perhaps that is what has triggered?

Elfina you are welcome here, I hope you do post if you would like to.

Stormy and Filbert I believe it's fairly common to be triggered by current age of DCs, not sure if it helps to know that.

I can't remember much of what actually happened so I question it a lot but there's enough there that I can't really deny it.

How old were you peppermint ?

Feeling terrible today. We had a group discussion at work about a child who has been severely abused. Just sat at the station, waiting for my Train.

It's going to Fuck up my whole evening, and I hate it for that.

Peppermint, I'd imagine doubting your own recollections is very common too. I certainly do it, even though I remember sufficient to secure a conviction. I know how fallible memory can be, and I know memories can get warped and overwritten - I recall watching Sesame Street while my mother sorted lunch after nursery, but the image in my mind contains the colour telly we got when I was nine, not the little old black and white one - so how can my memory be trusted?

But stop a minute, step back, and try to think about it like someone who hadn't ever been abused would. What purpose could possibly be served by my brain inventing stuff like that? At that age I shouldn't have had enough understanding of the mechanics of sex to be able to invent it. I must have been exposed to that knowledge somewhere, and that alone is abusive. No. Kids don't make this shit up, generally.