Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Might forgetting things also be a way of protecting yourself?

Elfina That sounds really upsetting

Filbert regarding my dad, I don't know how old I was. There are a lot of gaps in my memory, it's all a bit hazy, but there are a lot of signs and vague memories that stuff happened when I was about three or four. And then I really just don't know.

I do know there was something involving another child when I was five, and an older cousin when I was about ten. Those I remember. The above I have mostly blocked out. I keep hoping I've gone mad and made it up.

Stormy I don't know why I would make it up. It's just that I don't remember enough to be absolutely sure. But I'm not sure it didn't happen either so...

Peppermint that all sounds so very difficult to deal with

Do you have counselling? I never have. And I never have talked about it fully to anyone. I have told my DH but never gone into detail.

can i join please

ghostspirit this thread is for anyone who needs, please do post when you are ready.

Filbert it is hard, I'm pretty sure I'm just in massive denial a lot of the time as i can't handle acknowledging the betrayal of it all. I am in counselling; it has helped a lot. I've not shared many details, but have been working with the after effects and disturbances within my psyche; I know my counsellor could listen to the details, but I don't have to share them unless I want to.

Would you like to try counselling?

PS I'm also a trainee counsellor myself now so I have to be in counselling - already was though in any case.

thankyou...

pepper i was training to be a counsellor as well. i finished my level 3 in cpcab. i could not afford to do level 4 :(

i have also done volunteer work for familys effected by sexual abuse

What type of counselling are you training in?

Actually it's psychotherapy, but I've got in the habit of saying 'counsellor' for some reason.

peppermint would you recommend counselling? I was offered it when my parents found out, but I and my sisters refused. We said we were fine. And I have always thought I was fine. But I do want to talk about it now. I just am not sure how to find a good one.

ghost welcome, did you find it ok volunteering? I used to do a job which involved me dealing with serious case reviews, I always found them hard (who wouldn't though...).

Sorry peppermint I see you said it helps a lot. Perhaps I should try it.

waves at everyone

I don't post regularly here, but I do follow.

I am having counselling at the moment - CBT, to be precise. It is helping me a lot. One of the things that is quite good for me is that the counsellor is starting very much on the surface with behaviours. I have to keep a timetable of what I intend to do each week, and what I actually do, and it has been very helpful in pinpointing things that I avoid doing and particularly commitments that I repeatedly fail to make. We then focus on changing those.

Gradually, as the sessions go on and I have established a calmer and firmer basis on which to work, we will start to discuss what happened and the feelings that go with it.

Sometimes it is strange not to be able to say 'But I avoid X because of the abuse!' In the past I have had counselling, and while it has helped, it has been a bit 'there, there, of course you can't live a normal life after what you have been through' and while having my experience validated felt amazing, it didn't actually help me to make practical changes. So I only felt better in a transient way. In CBT, because we haven't yet talked about the abuse, there are no excuses, no victim narratives - simply me, and the life I would like to be able to lead, and a big gap of my own negative and self-destructive behaviours that stand in the way. And because there is nowhere to hide, I feel that I am starting to make some real progress with doing things FOR MYSELF for the first time. It's tough having to take responsibility and start steering my life in a direction instead of just drifting, but I do feel a sense of achievement also.

Thank youpeppermint and everyone for your kind words.
So many times I have thought I'm not "worthy" of posting on this forum as so many have had much worse experiences than me but it seems many of us have the same thoughts.
I did try counselling a long time ago but the woman just got me to move plastic animals about in a sandbox - like a tiger represented my abusive mother and a cute duck represented a child etc. I then had to act out how I would protect the duck from the tiger etc. I could see the idea but it was all too weird!
I think Hollys description of CBT sounds A lot more useful, may look in to it further

Just caught up with the thread as I have been hiding again. Re when your abuser dies.... I think I've said earlier in the thread that my abusing grandfather (and it strikes me as I type the word that I dont want to call the bastard grand, it almost sounds like a compliment) is dead. He has been dead for over 25 years now and in a way I resent the fact that nothing can be done to make him face what he did to me, but on the otherhand he might as well be dead because I would never be able to tell anyone. I am pretty sure I wouldn't be believed and would be seen as once against being the awkward child, the one that rocks the boat and in the end the blame would be mine for exposing his behaviour, not his for abusing me.

i have had counselling myself it was person centered found it crap. but that might have been because i was going for depression not sexual abuse. from my understanding CBT seems helpful.

volunteering although listening to peoples situations is not easy and its horrible that anyone has to go through sexual abuse. i did not find it that hard to volunteer and to listen. i think i sort of put a protective shiled up.

sometimes i forgive the person that abused me other times i feel really angry/frustrated. i wounder if....

the reason i have dysexia classed as having moderating learning difficulties went to a special needs school never had a chance as proper education...was this because of the abuse ie had a knock on effect to my education or was it just how it was back then in mid 80s-90s

I have 5 children by 4 different dads. because i cant stay in a relationship i dont make any effort to even try once something gos a little bit wrong. i dont try and fix it im gone...is this because of abuse or what i have been how i am anyway.

Interesting. What type of psychotherapy? Do you have much longer left til you qualify?

CBT is very hit and miss. I think you need an absolutely excellent, experienced clinician, which unfortunately are thin on the ground now in the nhs.

Yes I think that's the problem Elfina
A good friend is currently going through counselling and although she says it's brilliant there's no way I can afford the £30 per session she's paying

I don't really know where to start with looking for a counsellor / therapist etc. the list of local ones is vast and I can't seem to find any women that mention abuse on their list of things they specialise in.. Just two men. I am not up for a male counsellor.

I'm sure there'll be some sort of national organisation relating to people who've been abused. Find such an organisation's website and see if they can recommend counsellors? Worth a try. The one male counsellor I saw wasn't a very pleasant experience. He kept asking me questions, and I felt like I was answering them wrong and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be saying. I struck lucky with counsellor number three, referred by GP but she was based within a charity, so no set fees, just a donation based on what the client could afford, and as many sessions as you needed.

I would recommend counselling/therapy but, as others have said, it does depend on finding someone who suits you. I see an integrative relational therapist which I'd recommend. That said, the rapport matters more than the framework they happen to use. The person I see is male and is actually absolutely wonderful - very kind, gentle, patient and helpful.

Always sounds like you saw a jungian therapist - or at least did jungian sandtray work. I've never done it but have heard about it.

Elfina I'm studying integrative psychotherapy, have a few years to go yet (being a tad vague out of paranoia).

gbuk I'm sorry you feel so alone with everything.

Rape Crisis can potentially help arrange counselling for sexual abuse survivors, ditto the NSPCC. Some private counsellors also have concessionary/low cost places. There are other charities too eg One in Four in London. It makes me really mad and sad that survivors can't get decent help on the NHS. I asked my GP for counselling after disclosing that I had been raped in my teens and was told I didn't fit the criteria even though I had a history of depression :hmm:

:flowers: to everyone and sorry not to reply to you all individually, I did read all your posts.

Peppermint I agree the method matters less if you have a good rapport with the counsellor, just the idea of having to go through lots of 'wrong' ones before I can find the 'right' one for me is very off putting, not to mention costly (sigh)

There's no way I'd have a male counsellor. I know a good counsellor can make a huge difference but finding one is such a daunting task. I had one that I mentioned earlier who was clearly disgusted by what I had to say, who said I was abused because I was too trusting and who said I should write about the abuse and bury it (ie don't talk to her about it). I had another one who I found it easy to talk to but I didn't mention the abuse at all and towards the end it got weird - she called me "perfect" (and meant it), she told me personal things about herself and said she would miss me when I stopped coming to her. It wasn't scary just inappropriate in the sense that she treated me like someone she liked rather than a client - it spoiled the relationship because I felt I had to live up to her ideas about me.
I can't bear the thought of trying to open up to a few others before finding one who isn't shit or just not right.

I know what you mean cailin I found it so hard to open up my thoughts and feelings only to have a rubbish counsellor say not much other than "oh dear that sounds bad, I don't have experience of anything like that" and moved on to talk about mundane things!