Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

That sounds so hideous, no wonder so many of us feel so isolated talking about this. I found my latest counsellor by ringing our local Rape and Sexual Abuse centre. The waiting list for subsidised counselling is 8 months. As I was determined to get on with it the lady gave me some names but as I explained a few details she recommended one who is senior with years of trauma counselling experience. She is lovely and is very mindful of the risk of triggering flashbacks and retraumatising so takes it gently.

Yes, many. They were severely emotionally neglectful and my older sister is very mentally unwell and a bully. I told my mother about my abuse and she basically told me to shut up and get over it. I have a great relationship with my younger sister - she lives near enough to me.

I know it's hard to cut family out but it must be strange seeing them 3-4 times a year (which I think is a lot when you're not in the same country) when they treated you like that.

In a way, my mother's mental illness and alcoholism meant I felt I couldn't blame her (if that makes sense).

it's important getting the right person isn't it threads123. Glad you've found someone that works for you.

I know I need to bite the bullet and get counselling. I just can't get there yet.
I can mange with the current contact I have but am contemplating cutting them out. It's hard to take that step.

Counselling does help. Having that space to say all the horrible things that are inside your head that no one wants to hear. First one I tried specialised in CSA. Kept going on and on and on about my inner child, which didn't sit well with me - the feeling of being disconnected from that child that someone mentioned was true for me.

And I have a nappy incident to deal with, will continue shortly.

Mine started from 5 or 6 til I was 11and moved away.
I kept it to myself because I didn't know it was sex and I didn't know it was wrong
.obviously when I realised I made sure I wasn't alone with this person then we moved away.....
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the bit that haunts me the most is from the early age I found it gave me feelings and I used to go near to the person knowing they'd want me close,,,,,,,,,,when I realised what was happening I felt disgust at myself ,hence I never thought that person was wrong, I believed I acted on my natural instincts drawn to the feelings,,,,,,I think this is the first time I've even disclosed this .
I'm glad to say I blocked it all from my mind because I felt if I hadn't put myself on a plate nothing would have happened in my situation.
I remember he said to me when I was 9 " you won't let this carry on when you're older will you" ?

I was drawn like a drug and obviously as my body developed so did the urge to encourage this persons attention.
I'm not the victim unlike many , I didn't know but i chose my situation I guess, and that's how I live with it and deal with it.
It's only as time has gone by and publicity has grown over abuse, that I realised what happened over 40 years ago was an adult taking advantage in his place of trust .xx

iamneedy, you are a victim and you didn't choose this. It may not feel that way (and I totally get what you mean) but it is that way.

Paedophiles are very clever and manipulative beasts. They make their victims feel at fault and by that measure, make sure you don't report it. You craving the attention is not abnormal at all and that does not make you any less of a victim. You were a child and children are not emotionally mature enough to deal with those feelings and sexual actions so you coped in the way that best meant you could carry on. Don't be hard on yourself :(.

amineedy not iamneedy

I was ashamed because at a young age I became hooked on the feelings , in a way I couldn't wait to be alone with him.
When I realised what it was all about I was ashamed and felt sick, I couldn't look him in the face , I hated him.
He never tried anything and we acted as though nothing happened til the day he died,, he was my mums step dad,,,a gentle quiet man.
I felt sorry for him when I grew up, I had no patience to talk to him though and he was never odd with me, in fact he seemed to be ashamed too. ??

I have nominated RAVSCA (Raising Awareness of Victims and Survivors of Child Abuse) for the June 2015 Mumsnet Weekly Giving:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2377295-Sign-in-here-for-Giving-Week-2015-nominate-your-favourite-organisation-charity-or-worthy-cause?msgid=54355905#54355905

Nip over to that Mumsnet forum and vote for RAVSCA. I think my nomination is on page 2.

Victims have been silent too long - and Survivors need on-going support.

If you want to join in with the RAVSCA exhibition contact @Carl_Survivor on Twitter.

Am I needy, I felt exactly the same. You and I are victims, this should never have happened. How dare they prey on our loneliness and lack of emotional care and not value us enough to not. For years I put it down to youthful excess on my brother's part, after all who knows what happened to him at boarding school. Then I remembered I read paedophile porn novels which he kept in his room when he was approx 26y and I was 18y. I still didn't realise this was not ok, sex with children was normal to me. It's all so damaging to us. We also always acted as though nothing had happened and he died when he was 34y from a short illness. My first reaction when I heard was relief that it was all over. The horror is that it didn't end there for me, that's 26 years ago.

No votes for RAVSVA yet: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2377295-Sign-in-here-for-Giving-Week-2015-nominate-your-favourite-organisation-charity-or-worthy-cause?pg=3

Thanks for the link sadwidow28 I've nominated

AmIneedy and threads
My brother abused me from age 9 till I was 12. I used to encourage the attention, I would seek him out and thought I enjoyed the abuse. It was so twisted and sick BUT I was a child and he was 17 years old when it started. He manipulated me. He made me feel what was happening was special between the two of us.

When it stopped and I became a teenager his deception hit me so hard. I went off the rails messed up at school, took drugs and generally caused my Mother heart ache.

I hate him, he ruined my childhood he took away my confidence and I am still suffering now.

Sorry for rambling but wanted you both to know how normal "enjoying" and "encouraging" abuse is.

It doesn't make us strange we were children and had our trust abused by sick people.

I have never and will never feel sorry for my brother he knew what he was doing was sick and wrong

Bumping again. Hope everyone is well.

Doing good thanks cailin. Reading John boynes 'a history of loneliness', novel about how abuse went so unchecked in the Catholic Church. Made me think about how people close their eyes as it's easier and if you rock the boat by reporting you are seen as the problem. But I'm hopeful those attitudes are changing a bit now.

I hope they are grey but I'm not entirely sure. People's ability to be blind to what's going on right in front of them never fails to astound me. I'm sure I'm just as guilty as anyone else but I do try not to be. I mean, a mum I know used to say the weirdest things at a toddler group and no one picked up at all that anything was wrong. It was only when I pointed it out to a mutual friend that she realised how strange it was and spoke to her husband who admitted she was mentally ill and struggling. Thankfully things are better now but I don't see her that much and I'm worried that things could go very bad for her at some point and that no one will notice. Equally when I was severely depressed most people just ignored it, including my family. Now, that's not unusual for my family at all, they ignore absolutely everything, but I was surprised at how others just turned a blind eye. The friend that I told recently about my abuse has basically said he doesn't want to hear it.

That's why I get absolutely incensed when I see bullshit on facebook telling people who are depressed/abused/etc to "tell someone." People tell others all the fucking time it's just that no one listens.

thegreysheep I too am hopeful that atitudes are changing. A friends DH was abused by a priest as a child, a blind eye was turned and it has had such a huge impact on the mans life.
However I do agree with cailin that some things people just don't seem willing or able to deal with. When i was at my very lowest and told some close family members about abuse it was just "oh dear but your ok now" sort of attitude. I think some people just can't accept some of the horrific things that other people have had to deal with in their lives.

Hi always and cailin you are right, that even if you tell someone people often don't listen (have found this myself), however I think the general attitudes and awareness is changing a bit and i know amoung my age group my friends who are parents of young kids would be aware and more on their kid's side.

Whereas my parents generation (well in Ireland anyway) were very cowed by authority - priests, teachers and so on - and when we reported physical abuse to them (my brother used to get badly beaten by a teacher, but not sexual abuse in this case) their attitude and what they would say was "you must have done something to deserve it" (some message to give your kids, huh?!)whereas now I think parents are more likely to stick up for their children, in many cases anyway. In Ireland at any rate, though we had such a low bar in the first place!!

"
That's why I get absolutely incensed when I see bullshit on facebook telling people who are depressed/abused/etc to "tell someone." People tell others all the fucking time it's just that no one listens."

YY to this. And one thing I've found hard is recognising that I did tell, throughout my childhood, just not with words. I told in other ways: behaviour, drawings, etc.

I'm struggling at the moment. It just hurts, you know?

Even telling people in words doesn't always make any difference. My sister told our abuser's daughter, who relayed the information to her mother, who dismissed it as nonsense.

Do you want to talk a bit about it Peppermint?

Yes I think I do. Thanks for asking cailin and for making sure this thread is here.

I was reading the 'worst thing you've ever gone through' thread and one poster said it was the loss of their lovely dad in their 20s and realising he wouldn't be around. I can't imagine feeling like that about my dad, because he is the main reason I'm on this thread. He has messed up my entire life, how is that fair? It's not. But I'm the one stuck dealing with it. (Can't report. Not enough evidence. Hopefully he'll die soon.)

I avoided that thread, knew it would upset me. Had the same question on a job application once though. Were they seriously expecting truthful answers to that one? Anyway. The thought of one's abuser finally dying is appealing. It would represent a closure of sorts. I hope, at least.